What once was lost
Now is found
I've away so many times
Just to come back to your embrace
The only place I feel truly safe
I no longer want to run from you
I want to stay in your presence
Thank you for your mercy and grace
I no longer have to run away
I see now I'm where I'm supposed to be
Thank you Lord for forgiving me

I used to be in the dark
But you showed me the light
You showed me that your ways are just and right
And than mine are of the world
Help me to be more like you
Sending light out to all the people
And not just holding it in, extinguishing it
Helping the poor and the needy
And everyone else I see
Help me to love everyone, even my enemies
Help me be who I am meant to be

So this is what my life amounts to
Just some words on page
No one knows me
I hide in the shadows waiting
Waiting for what, I do not know
But it will find me of that I'm sure

My life is but a wreck at the bottom of the ocean
When I went down I took many with me
Few survived to tell the tale
Though no one believed such a thing could happen
Alone I rest with the dead
No one can find me, no one knows

I tried to be who they wanted me to be
But it's so tiring living up to expectation
People expected me to fail so I showed them wrong
They expected me to drown but instead I swam
Expectations are silly things
No one can really live up to them

I've loved and lost and loved again
But will this love last
If it is indeed love, it shall
Though if its not it shall surely fail as it has before
Love is a tough thing to comprehend
I comend the people that understand and have it

People give me more sympathy than I want
In fact I don't want any at all
I tell them the sad things of my life
Only because they want me to
And they want to pity me and douse me with sympathy
I do these things to make other people feel better

My heart has been torn apart and remade so many times
Stitched and sewn, broken and smashed
Over and over again the cycle repeats
I love with my whole heart, at least what's left
And I assume that they love me just as much
Though that hasn't always been the case

Abandonment is never an easy thing
Especially for a young child to understand
People tell me that it's in the past
I know that it is, but do they?
"What's past is past and I can't go back"
That seems to be my motto for life

I look ahead and I don't see much
Not that I don't think I have a future
I just don't want to know everything that will happen
People try to plot out my life
I let them try in vain
Eventually they will find out that they can't control me

I look to the past and see wreckage
With a few glimmers of hope and light
Those few times in my life when everything seemed to be going right
But eventually they too got swallowed by doubt and darkness
I wonder what my life would be like if somethings were different
But past is past and I can't go back

My present is full of set backs and stumblingblocks
But when I fall down I get back up with avengence
I have some help from family and friends
But its not much in the end
I push forward to an unseen future
And run from a horrifying past

This my life many have seen it
People could read me like a book
But that book would be in a different language and backwards
I'm not that easy to understand
But once you get me you never go back
There are few I trust and even less I love

This is my life

When I'm with you time moves way to fast
When we're apart times seems to stand still

I want to hold your hand in mine and never let go
Yet our hands never touch yours

I want to hold you in my arms forever more
But our embraces only last a few seconds

I tell you everything, you know my darkest secrets
Yet I cannot tell you that I love you

I want to watch scary movies all night long
And cuddle as we laugh at the people walking to their doom

I want to tell the whole world of my love for you
Yet how I can I, when I don't have the courage to tell even you

Everytime I say "Goodnight"
I think "I love you." but never say it
And I don't know if I ever will
I wish I had the courage to
But my nerve fails and I delete the message
I write these poems hoping that you'll get the meaning
But I don't know if you even read them
I wish I was a bolder person
But if I was bolder, would you still like me?
My heart aches for you, but I can't know if you feel the same
I could ask but I fear that you would run away
What would you do? Would you run? Would you stay?
Questions like these plague my mind
Do they plague yours? Or are you just oblivious?
Thoughts like these race through my mind
They are the reasons why I don't say
"I love you" when I say "Goodnight"

My eyes burn and are blood shot
I blame it on allergies and makeup
I've been crying for the past hour or so
My mind and body a wreck
Searching for that one thing
Something to make me whole
To make me feel safe and secure
I found it couple times a while ago
Just to have it all torn away
So many times has it been in grasp
Only to be torn away by someone or something
I've been abandoned so many times before
How can I trust again?
There's is one person I rely on
To take all my stress and pain
Do they know?
Do they know that they are the only one?
The only one I can pour my soul out to
And trust them with my darkest of secrets

I hide behind a mask of happiness
I pretend to be someone I'm not
I ask myself "Who am I kidding?"
My answer is "Everyone but me."
Then I remember the one
The one I forget sometimes
Not on purpose but they slip my mind
They are like an extention of myself
Though we are different in so many ways
In others we are one in the same

Two sides of the same coin
Forgotten over time, lost in a world too large
I wonder if they get the same feeling
Too afraid to ask I keep my mouth shut
I don't press the enter key to the message I spent an hour writing
I delete it ashames of myself
Wondering how I can be so honest with them
Yet I can't ask a simple question
One that many people before me have asked
As I sit here now I think of it
It is always in my brain, scratching at my sanity
I can only imagine what it would be like if I asked
If I had the courage a month ago where I would be
But instead I sit here terrified to ask four words
"Do you love me?"