Tears sit, poised on my lashes and threatening me to pounce as the graceful, effortless words tumble softly from your mouth and take flight. You breathe those glorious words.
Inhale.
Exhale.
I hear them, and they swirls around my head for the rest of the day, ruffling my hair, tugging on my shoelaces. Your beautiful words, new and fresh and tinted a soft pink.
They cause my breath to become like the ocean waves, shaky and shallow.

Then, I push my words from my mouth. And they fall, yes they fall, but not like yours. My words are heavy and worn and gray and clumsy and hit the ground with a tremendous thud. And you attempt to coax my words up and away into the breeze with yours. You say it will come. You say it is something learned.
But I cannot wait to learn. I cannot wait for it to come.
Because in my head your words are always spinning, mixed in with the roar of my blood rushing through my veins and the ‘Shhhh’ of my deep breaths.

I cannot take it.

I cannot take it.

I cannot breathe anymore.

My day had been laced with comfort and love
which was strange for someone like me
but I thought I would end it in the same manner.

Smoke explored our lungs
and furled around the Christmas lights.
My lids laid heavy against my eyes
as I tilted my head back and inhaled the garage
the lights
the sounds
the people.

"Oh ****."
In an instant my world shattered
as the door opened
and he walked in behind someone
and our eyes met
and I could feel my heart gasping
and my body tremble
and my hands lose feeling
so I stood up to leave.

As my friend drove I shrunk into the seat
more silent
and less visible
than a breeze.
Tears crawled down my neck
but I didn't care
I needed to get as far away as I could
before thoughts of him began to inch up my spine
and constrict my head
like they usually do
but I think it was too late.

We pulled into the parking lot
and as my friend got out I refused to move
and when he left
so did my control.
I snapped and slid down the seat
shivering
covetous
stripped
flammable
and deeply burned.

It came to a point where I couldn't cry
so I leaned against the door
shaking
as my breath creeped along the window.

I wish he hated me.
I wish he resented me
and stayed so far
even memories of him would seem impossible.

I wish I hated him
hated how he made me look like a fool.
I wish my brain vomited his existence
and any thought of him
I would melt and pour down the drain.