there was this guy
who inspired me
once upon a time
he was the reason
i even wrote
my first ever
love poem
and at first
it was serious
and then it all
turned into dust
but i was stunned
infatuated for a long time
now he's no longer in my life
and i'm over the thought
of ever needing his embrace
or his face to kiss
met him 4 years ago
september 2009
fell in love
but turned him away
because love was a no-go

cold English day
same as any other
no sun in the sky
today
the days
just get
colder

i read old messages for endless hours
why? because i miss what was ours
you were my very best friend
you were my soulmate
i hate how we let it all
simply go to waste
haven't met you
in the flesh
but i want to
next year
i want to see your face
and hope feelings re-appear
i want to feel your warmth
and just see you smile
it would make me glad
even for just a while
you are the one i see
when i look at the stars
you are the one i seek
every single night
i always wrap up
in a blanket
wishing it was you
holding me
instead of it
every night
same old thing
i miss your texts
i miss your everything
i miss you and i miss your love
you still fit me like a glove

reading messages from January
how great we were
in all our young glory

now look at us
we're like an old book
which has been
collecting dust

a fairytale
which ended
with a twist
when a
tragedy
struck
and the lover
was killed off

open relationships are pointless
like since when do you date
your friends?
i know i was one of them
but come on
since when
did you like her?
seeing your
relationship status
is quite bizarre
out of all the ones
you could choose
you chose her?

i mean, she's nice
like, i'm even friends
with her on facebook
and some place else
but still i'm
not sure
how to feel

writing happy poems isn't my thing
i'm better at typing a poem
which is saddening

some songs are unbearable to hear
they remind me of you
when you loved me
the previous year

some movies are hard to watch
they remind of the romance
we once used to have

some poems are hard to read
they remind me
of the one
i used to call mine
the one
who ultimately
left me to grieve
the loss of us

the few things that used to bring me happiness
they now seem to bring me pain
all i do is cry tears
again and again

people say your name
and it's like a bullet
through my brain

people call you my 'lover'
and it makes me want
to dig myself a grave
6ft under

it hurts thinking of you
it hurts dreaming of you
it kills me thinking of you
loving someone else
because that girl
or that guy
has no idea
just how blessed
their heart is
to be loved
by the one
i love the most
the one
who left me
hanging on
like a ghost
too afraid
to enter
the afterlife
because of the one
they didn't want to leave behind

next year, i'll have no valentine
i'll be all alone, again
i will have to witness
guys buying roses
for their girls
and ladies
buying gifts
for special guys

you were the diamond
found with a bunch of rocks
you were the emerald
found with the ashes
of someone you loved

heart was broken on the ground, sanity was nowhere to be found, the girl who tried so hard to love was now lost and confused, from all the energy she lost, all the time she spent, trying to heal someone else, who eventually didn't need her help and said goodbye to her there and then. but, no one realized her pain because the smile she had on her face covered what was wrong and helped her sustain a solid alibi and she never showed signs of strain, of heartbreak, she tried to mend herself the only way she knew how: writing stories about life as it never was. after a while, it worked. but as soon as she met someone new, it was back to that same old page, that same chapter she once tried to escape. it all happened again. she fell in love with a heart that didn't belong to her. oh, she felt her own heart break in two.

school seems like so long ago. i miss the one i called my ''best friend''..
we sat together in every class, exchanged notes every time we were bored,
always got told by the teachers to stop laughing and to pay attention.

everything was lovely. and then school came to an end,
and we both took a course in childcare, hoping we'd be close.

then, we drifted apart. she had her new friends..i was alone.
it's been years since i've last seen her. i miss her a lot.
things like this, you can never really forget.
i know people change and memories remain,
but it doesn't make it any less painful.

never knew i was so easy to forget...

the same thing always happens and it just hurts.
it's one of the reasons i write.
i write to feel something.

i don't write about people for no reason,
i write about them BECAUSE of them.

it's not always negativity,
sometimes it's the opposite.

sometimes, i praise them for being in my life,
and at times, i write about how they just ruined me.

poetry is meant to be full of emotion..
otherwise, it would be empty words.

honestly, i want to travel the world with a lover
or a friend, maybe fall in love along the way?
i want to take pictures and explore
i want to spend nights and days
with the person i love the most
maybe look at the sunset together
and look at the moon as it shines
into the beautiful night
i want a cute relationship
someone to call mine forever
someone who makes me smile
someone who makes me feel beautiful
a person who keeps me positive
someone who treats me like a princess
a person i can be best friends with
as well as more than that
i wish for that all the time
just want to feel like love is real
that's all i have ever wanted
a soulmate, a best friend
a husband maybe?
fairytales do exist
if we find the right one
that's what people say
hoping my wish comes true
and i find someone
who doesn't take me for granted
who loves me with all their heart
someone who makes me feel secure
as well as safe and happy
someone who puts my doubts at rest
someone who melts my insecurities away
a person who keeps my anxiety at bay
a person who stays with me no matter what
and doesn't give up when things get tough
someone who will do anything to make ''us'' work

just someone i can share my life with
a person i can share my happiness with

i mean, that's not too much to ask for...is it?

i like being in bed
it makes me feel safe
keeps me out of harm's way
but i'm still stuck
with an overthinking head

still, can't be worse
than a stained face
mascara panda eyes
or something else

next year, I won't be there
to speak to you when
you're utterly bored
I won't be there
sending you messages
only to be ignored

next year, I'm breaking free
going to try and find
a love that's right
a love that is worth
all my time

a part of me wants to hurt you
break your heart in two

i may not be perfect
i may not be smart
i may not be talented
i may not have the greatest heart
but ****, i am the best you'll never get

i gave you my heart
i gave you my world
but all you did was abuse it
what is wrong with you, girl?

i wrote you letters
i bought you flowers
but hell, i am done
being run over
by the one
i love

you say we're friends
but what the hell is this?
you ruined our friendship
took it for granted
honey, you left it

i am so done being pushed
way over the breaking point
all you did was leave me scarred
now i'm left with a broken heart

this is me venting
this is me hurting
this is me saying
i'm done with
the games
and the lies

friends are for life
aren't they?
no, lies
they take everything
and then throw you away

i am done pretending
that you mean nothing
because you are everything

would have posted this
on my facebook
but you'd read it
i don't want you to
you'd just comment
or like it

haven't you caused
enough damage?

spent years trying to love you
but now i am through
say goodbye to me
we are nothing
but history

no more tears at night
no more scars made
no more trying to mend
our friendship is done
you ruined it this time

longest poem of my life
and it's based on us
the tragedy which was our love
our memories, our time
our years, our hearts

you ignored my text
saying i missed your face
how did you think i'd react?
not in a way that's nice

my heart is bleeding for you
all the **** you put me through
how could you do this to me?
i did nothing but love
ever so gently

you're a heartless body
i deserve better
than to be dismembered
by a love who didn't love me

take your love, take my heart too
it means nothing anymore
you already broke me
there's nothing i can say
there's nothing i can do
except feel sadness
over the fact
that i have to
leave you

i need to let go
before i die of this pain
i won't be your friend tomorrow
it would sicken me to death
and **** me inside again

holding back tears
as i write this
never thought
i'd say these words

my heart is breaking
wait, it's already broken

i apologize to myself
for all this
never should have loved
but we all deserve
to feel like we're worth
the world

18 years of age
already on edge
suicide on my mind
death in my thoughts
i'm wasting my time
but i can't die
people need me
apparently?

my back is aching
my eyes are hurting
my throat is burning

maybe i'm getting sick
but i already was
of the love sickness

the night makes me calm
i can hear the soothing rain
it's christmas very soon
a day to look forward to
a time to celebrate
a time to start fresh
make changes in life
hoping the new year is nice

i bet you're ready
to give up on me
but i'm sorry
i can't leave
you mean too much to me

nothing is the same
changes are mean
your love is everything
don't let it all fade
this has meaning

you are my best friend
well, you once were
we used to be
free spirited kids
who thought
we ruled the world

there's something truly nice with writing long, poetic notes
it makes the baggage easier to carry and manage
keeps you from further damage
to what is already broken beneath
and underneath the beautiful surface
as a poet, i've experienced a lot
as a young girl, i grew up fast
my childhood didn't last
had to be an adult
before the appropriate age
had to feel heartbreak
and sadness all over the place
i could feel an ache in my bones
a sense of sadness when alone
cried my eyes out at home
and hid the pain away
taking showers
to disguise my tears
hoping sadness would fade
wrote about love for hours
dreamt of you and my fears
destroyed myself to cope
pain changed my view on life
and the relationships i'd had
thoughts are like knives
stabbing me deeper
each and every time

saying you broke me would be harsh
but you did make adjustments
to me, myself and my heart

it's all in the smile
it's all in the eyes
dancing in the dark
feeding the lies
dwelling on us
on dear love

tragically smitten
love, forbidden
feelings, kept
tight under wraps
because rejection
is something i can't face
you make me feel out of place
dazed, confused, in love with you
smitten, lost, broken in two
baby, you're deadly
baby, why don't you love me?
i gave you my heart so willingly
hoping you'd give me yours too
thought you did, at least thought
baby, you, i am blinded by
but my feelings for you
i'll never be able to deny
because i've loved you
for so many days and nights
that i can't help but write
and to express my undying love
just hoping you'll feel this too

maybe it's good that we have never met
so i don't have to face the fact
that you're not mine, you never were
my heart made me feel so absurd
you left me longing for you
as i did so, i fell on the ground
all messed up, in the dirt
all because i
wanted you
to love me too

no words can possibly express
how much i love you
someone which
i should hate
but i can't

the night is my dearest friend
it helps me breathe but then
4am draws closer in
and the buzz ends

the thrill of the night
it always seems to fade
as the morning dawns
makes my earlier bliss
made it feel like a charade

thoughts consume my brain
they affect my days
as well as my nights

can't get you out of my mind
i feel so ridiculous, so blind
you've got this hold on me
and i don't want to be set free
this love is worth the pain
hope there's something to gain
apart from a torn heart
scattered all over the place
trying to create a new start
hoping it's worth all this

writing about you yet again
it's all i ever do
it feels like a sin
to be so devoted
to someone i can't have
my mind is a bit scattered
but you are what matters

sticking by you
is what i'll do
even if it means
that i break in two

it's all for you
this poem is true
my love is for you
my heart is yours to keep
hold it in your hands
please feel for me
what i feel for you

don't fall in love
with a fragile poet
if you're going
to break their heart

distance makes no difference
it can't make me love you less
if anything, i love you more
than i would have done
if you lived close
you are captivating
from miles away
my heart is melting
when i hear your voice
on the phone late at night
your existence
makes me feel
so much more
alive than i
ever could
have imagined

fragile like a tea cup

sadness is a numbing sensation
leaves you emotionally frozen
you never know where you start
you never know where you end

it makes you lose touch
with yourself

it drains you so much
of everything you love

as if self-destruction
wasn't enough
it makes you crave
to bleed out
all of the
bitterness
inside

scars remain
on your skin

love remains
on your lips

memories stain
and leave a trail
of where they
were last seen

a night never goes by
where i don't think
of your blue eyes
or the way i fell
for that smile

my heart ran a mile
trying not to fall
but i fell hard
after all