You are as beautiful as
flowers in the rain,
a sunset setting fire to the sky,
fall leaves,
snow on trees,
You are so beautiful and you don't even know it

I think maybe I can give myself time
Teach myself to love you and only you
Learn the ways of isolation, confine myself to you
Maybe one day I will be able to do it without trying first
I often confuse love with loneliness
Give myself away just because I am tired of holding myself up
If only I could dig myself out of holes as easily as I dig myself into them
Digging my own grave just because it is something to do
I am trying to love you but love takes a little more work than I'd planned
I am not sure if time will be enough
Because time can't save anybody, it only adds wrinkles to your face and fatigues your body, you are only getting older
Maybe the hands on the clock are better off broken
Because imagination suddenly becomes matter and I am here standing in front of you trying to love you, and I do, so much, but not quite enough as I need to
And for that I am sorry

My favorite word is authentic
Real and happening, something still alluring with no edit
Like taking a picture of a sunset
Never having to add color or exposure
Because it is how it should be
Authentic like who love should be
Where you don’t have to pretend
Because just looking at them, everything is how it is
And you don’t want to change a thing
Love is real and happening if it is with the right person
My least favorite word is almost
Almost holds failed potential
It represents our ability to be not good enough
Almost is being on the brink of something so beautiful but falling short, this happens so much that we crafted a word for it
We were an almost, an idea misconstrued, a simple possibility that was never played out to the fullest
We could have been something - should have been something - but we weren't
And my god I want to hate you but I don’t and I don’t think I ever could
Because I somehow still think that you were my authentic

Left and Right
Two completely different things
But my love for you
Is neither left nor right
My love for you is in between
My love for you is snow when the sun is out
My love for you is a clean house with muddy floors
My love for you is a shooting star without making a wish
Confusing maybe
But real
My love for you is is indifferent
But my love for you is real

There is a space between breaths, an endless moment of infinite exhale, a calming of the storm inside of your chest, and you are there in the vacant valleys of my wonderland
You are the open field full of flowers enchanted with the smell of your cologne
You are the distinct vision of a painting hanging in a home of two people who are deep in love
You are that half second at a concert after the music stops but before the lights come back on, that half second where you can't catch your breath but neither can anyone else and you feel like a part of something
You shine so bright and I would just dim your star
I guess I am just in love with the idea of you loving me
The idea of waking up late on Saturday, I imagine the smell of coffee brewing, the sound of your fingers strumming guitar, the vision of light creeping in through a crack in the curtains, the undermining feeling that you are here with me now, still, that you never left, even though you did
I am just unconditionally and eternally entranced by your haunting presence
I'm sure that if you rearranged the sky in putting the moon, the stars, the sun, all the cosmos in an order in which they would sing it would sound just like your voice; have every dwindling planet, spinning on their axis, slow dancing around their seasons as they hum their love songs to one another, the universe is no stranger to love
And maybe love is only easy before the sun comes up because it is so easy to find yourself
When it's dark out and you cannot see through the fog
In the moment of clarity when the smoke clears and dawn approaches, everything's alright
If it be only for a fleeting second or two, everything is alright and that's enough

Curl his palms around the lower ends of my back
As an acoustic melody fractures these walls while he is sipping lust from my collarbones
Kissing my body like it is the only thing he knows how to do
Running his hands up like he is reaching for sunlight
The resonance of heavy breathing will cause monsoons in Thailand
And maybe it isn't love
But maybe that's okay
And I do still miss you all the time
And I'm trying to find a way out of this
But what if I'm trying to do the right thing but I am perpetually reading the signals wrong?
What about the grey areas?
I am trying to love myself again
But that is hard to do with hands that are not yours
Carving their names into my body
I want to love you but you just won't let me
And this is where I find my escape
This is where I have been finding my love lately

We are sitting in the same coffee shop I fell in love with him in, but it is different now. I look up and he is still looking at his hands. Eyes are on his callused palms, twiddling his thumbs and I still love him more than I ever have. He looks up with an innocence that only a child could have. I think of how he is thinking about her. I wonder if he even sees me or just the ghost of a girl he almost loved.
"You know this isn't easy for me. You know that," he mumbles, looking down again.
"Do you think this is easy for me? I have to sit here and watch you fall in love with someone else when all the while I am having to convince myself that eventually things will get better, people tell me that eventually things will get better. I can't tell you the amount of times you would have received a phone call but didn't because I knew you wouldn't answer. I don't know what you expect. This isn't easy for me either, this isn’t easy at all."
We sit in silence for a moment. I almost cry but I refuse to show any more weakness than I already have, he doesn't deserve to see me hurting. He wouldn’t understand. The silence falls heavy on the wooden floors. And after a few long seconds of it all he can manage is,
"I'm sorry."

In life we all want to be remembered as something great
To have someone look up to you
To have someone be to proud of you
And lately I've come to the sad conclusion
That no one sees me as something special
The feeling of knowing that you've ****** up
And there's no turning back
Knowing you could've been so much better than this
Knowing you could've really made people happy
Just by saying no to certain things
But when you reach the brink of temptation
You say yes without realizing the devastation
Without even seeing the danger
And one day you wake up as just another one
Just another person who didn’t listen to the advice
We were all told as a child
Never thinking this would ever happen
But here we are
Just another **** up
That's all I am

Every day I sit in the place where I fell in love with you and hope you will wander in
Because you know that is where you will find me
In the corner of a coffee shop a few miles from your house
The music playing overhead somehow echoes the sound of our laughter and whispers
Distractions overwhelming, tickling feeling, abrupt jolt of excitement
Love was rushing through my veins like a river after a thunderstorm trying to find a larger body of water to dispose to, I had been searching for you in every alley way, every vacant corner, wall flower wanderer
My mind trails off to the thought of your smile and leaves me curious as to why it did not blind me
It did just the opposite
You helped me to see the best parts of myself that I once despised
Helped me love myself, helped me believe in myself
You were so **** good at making me believe everything you said
But I don’t believe you now
I won't believe you when you tell me that you don’t love me anymore
How can I be forced to believe something I was so sure of
I knew you wouldn't love me forever but I thought you would love me longer than that
And now, every day I sit in the place where I fell in love with you and hope you'll wander in
Because you know that is where you will find me
If you were ever looking

You do something to me that is indescribable
The way your voice resonates in my chest
The simple sound of you breathing reminds me that everything is okay
Because if you are alive then I know I am too
The way my thighs unconsciously part just slightly
whenever you are around
It is no longer just my heart that is drawn to you,
It turns out so is my body
The way your touch can take away any discomfort
There is something about you that sweeps a peace over me
Funny to think that I would be empty if you left
And here I am, hollow and vacant
Because you did

I find myself sitting in the confines of my car thinking about everything except where I am going
My destination never means much unless it is somewhere to meet you
The street lights light up this highway but inside this car it has never been darker
I think of you on most days
Most days being all days
I think of riding in the passenger seat with the music too loud
But I would still shout it to be sure you knew just how much I liked the song
I think of how now I open my own door
And I never would have thought touching a door handle would be so bonding
My wrists get heavier each time I reach for it
I think of how when I was tired or scared or worried, I could lay on your shoulder, wrap my arm in yours
I imagine that you drive with your hand on someone else's thigh
And it makes me sick to my stomach
I find myself sitting in the confines of my car at a red light
And the music is too loud, but maybe it's better that way

I never would have originally planned to have fallen so hard for someone who I casually met while hungover in an Izzo's
And that he who once came on so strong would now act as if the day never occured at all

I am in love with the idea of you
I could listen to your voice forever
put you on a record and play you for hours
I want to pour all of your thoughts into a wine glass
and sip it slowly, taking in each one, swallowing smooth dreams
I want to look into your eyes
just long enough to decipher each color
to count each eyelash
I want to hold your hand in mine
and feel each crescent in your palm
I could go on about the idea of you for ages
I could talk about you like a novel I was planning to write
Draw out each word with extravagant detail
I could do it all
I am in love with the idea of you
Yet after the record finishes, each time
It is always harder to play it again
Because each word that slips off of your lips
are the lips that have kissed a girl who is not me

Throughout your life you will experience love in some form
Maybe in a one night stand, maybe in a relationship, maybe in an unrequited form
Whatever way it may be, you will experience it
Some people think that a significant other is all there is to life
Thinking that you need someone to complete you is the easiest way to get broken
You will experience heart ache and somber
There will be days where you feel as if staying in bed is the same thing as staying alive
You will learn to never take a risk and never look down
You will learn to succumb to your pillow instead of going out with friends
You will learn that love is not a road easily traveled
You will forget that there is actually some light in this seemingly dark room
Yes, love is burdensome and tiring and it will only wear out your legs causing your knees to weaken at the sound of their name
But do not make that the reason you give up because strained legs that have shuffled over a burning bridge are so much better than those who have never experienced running

I know some things seem stronger than your own will
I know that in dim light
It doesn’t seem wrong
In dim light
You are told that you can stay here
Forever but you cant
Today it seems like this addiction
Is stronger than my own will
It seems like the window to this cold compacted bed room
will never close
Letting go is one of the hardest things to learn
and one of the least taught
I have learned that the work is never pretty
But it is the only way to build the house
I am letting go today
And I hope that as I let this go for you
That you hold on to me

Loving you is spilled wine on white carpet, permanent, staining
a constant reminder of wasted sweetness and regret,
if only I had been paying a little more attention
Loving you is texting and driving, taking the risk of calamity to direct my eyes toward a little light
Loving you is loving poison that taste like sweet tarts
Addicting, my favorite, but dangerous, only seeking my annihilation
I've given myself scars by ripping the last pieces of you from my veins
I've been wanting to write to you and to explain
in some sort of logical way why I still love you
I'm sorry I have taken so long, I just couldn't really find the right words, still I am using the wrong ones
And I am sorry for that as well
My heart is still handcuffed to yours
But your love is too deep to let go of
It's the absolute surface that no living thing can touch
It's impossible to avoid
Seemingly ridiculous to want to push away from
Please don't let me slip away
Loving you is like holding onto a flame
Something not meant to be touched
Harming anything it's way
Yet so beautiful that you can't help but reach out to it
You are my flame
And I will reach to you
And you will never fail to burn me
**Every time

Lost in my mind, I am swarmed by my thoughts like an angry mob of bees who's hive has just been knocked down
Bumping me left and right, up and down
I dream of a mind as peaceful as a meadow,
As clear as a river,
As calm as a lake
A mind where my thoughts flow easily
Although instead I am in the middle of the traffic of my mind
Thoughts like cars rushing by or completely stopped
Laying on their horns drowning out any sanity I had left
These thoughts fight against me and I wonder who could possibly win in a battle against myself
I dream of a mind where my thoughts are wiping away worries and gently push me into cloud 9
I wake from this imaginary inspiration and only feel the sting of the bees piercing my skull and keeping me from ever settling this war with my own head
There is no way to escape from yourself
That is one thing I have learned
And the hardest of all

I dreamt a slow river wrapped its arms around a mountain and you smiled at me for breakfast
Still, I can feel the warmth of your ambience slipping under my skin
As the sugar in your smile gets washed over by the sea
I am sipping coffee and sitting in awe of how you manage to be so brilliant
I want to live happily in a world I don't understand with you by my side to help me decipher it
When you are miles away you are more present than anything else next to me
I've read that wherever the road takes you depends on whose hand your holding and what music you are playing and you just happen to be my favorite song
This is the part of the story where we love without hesitation, without doubt
Here and now has never been more important
Coming home to you is the 8th wonder and I strive to see that kind of phenomena everyday
You are the story I'll read every time it's raining and I forgive you for whatever you'll do to me tomorrow
Love is simple when you don’t think about it too much, it's the little things all in all
It's breakfast on Sundays when it’s cold outside and he looks like the sunrise
It's walking in the fall with leaves watching you and he smells like hazelnut
It's the miracle of waking up next to him every day and cooking him breakfast, nothing more than that

I want to describe to you everything that you are
So you will consider
Letting us redefine what it means to start over
We can relay the foundation better this time
We can stand beneath the sky and wait for the planets to shape themselves around my newly intertwined bodies
You are the first drop of rain in a hurricane
You are the misunderstood tragedy
You are striking lightning slicing open the dark with luminous allure
You are coloring everything outside the lines
You are the poem everyone feels they should reread
You are the stem from a root planted in the belief that you have done something wrong in some way
You have not done anything wrong
I want to show you everything I failed to reveal before
Open new doors, let the cool breeze some in from my bedroom window, anything to make you want to stay here
My world is waiting for you to set it on fire
So whenever you're ready
Tell me that you miss what it feels like
To light a match

Every song that I danced to in your living room when we were supposed to be studying
Every song that we danced to in the kitchen when baking
Every song that we sang in the truck
Every melody that we have ever heard together
The songs we sang along to, the one's our parents taught us
The ones we taught each other
Plays much slower than it usually would
Coming to me note by note, tickling my senses
Reminding me that I cannot call you and tell you to listen to it
And I find myself biting my lip through the frustration
And the truth is, you never really know how lonely you are until everything is going wrong and you have no one to turn to for help
Not even music, because all of my favorite songs
Used to be ours

I don't mean to care
but I don't want to not
and my indecisiveness
is the alter ego
that is going to end up
ruining me

I want to describe how it feels to miss you
But I am not sure how to explain a sensation so serene
I miss you like plants miss rain in a drought
Thirsty for the only thing that can truly save them
I miss you like a mother misses her child on their first day of kindergarten, thinking they can do without them for a while but missing their constant presence
I miss you like an ex-alcoholic misses shots of whisky
I miss you in the morning and during the day
I miss you in the small moments when I'm busy and in the dull moments when I have nothing but time to miss you more
Even when I know I will see you soon
I miss you now, I miss you and I wish I could see you a little more
And maybe miss you a little less

I want a love that
Light up the night sky and puts
All of the constellations to shame
I want a love that
Does not falter when we fall
Though love sometimes hurts
There is nothing that can break this
I want a love that
Endures every hard time
That walks through battle grounds
Hand in hand
Conquering it all together
I want a love that
Dances on my lips
Sings on my skin
Traces maps on my back
Discovering new beauties
On each other
I want a love that
Grows
Stretches, flows
Like a spring stream
Racing each other
But keeping steady pace
I was a love that
Glows
Fireflies envy this sparkle
The one in your eyes
The one in our kiss
I want a love that
Makes me want to stay in bed with you
That carries me up the stairs
That spins me around, stumbling in the refrigerator light
That helps me do the dishes
That wakes me up each morning
I want a love that
Has you in it
I want a love that
You want too

We tip toe on silent words
And I wonder if you hear me crying out to you
Underneath the casualty of our conversation
I do my best to always swallow back the words
That get stuck in my throat
I suppose there is a reason why they won’t come out
I think of you kissing her
Writing songs on her collarbones as you progress the anticipation
The way she blossoms under your rain
She was much more lenient with her lips than I was
I am sorry that this love continues to live under my breath
It is the one battle where my armor is too heavy to even lift off the ground
My arms have grown weak from pushing you away
I find myself now, trying to pull you in
But you aren’t there
And I wonder if maybe I were stronger
I wonder if you would be

I need to be kissed by someone who knows how. A kiss even softer than the hands that moved the strap off her shoulder. I will not say no to your hands. There is an unconditional longing for the luring ******* of love. Affections bats it’s eyes and a pulse of electricity climbs up your spine. Sleep in me, around me, with me. We are all museums of longings. We each have gardens growing in our chest, all of us waiting for the rain to teach us how to love. Like we once waited in the living rooms for our fathers to teach us how to dance. Like waiting for a book to mysteriously fall off the shelf as we pass by in hopes that there is another world out there where there is no small talk. We hope that they are real. We would like to miss them. Some people are like a long walk home and I like to think of myself this way. Some days I feel like smoke leaving a flame or a rooftop standing under a full moon. There are days I am sure that I am sailing in full wind and others where I am more of a loose string hanging from your jacket. Sometimes I feel things so strongly and in these times I wonder if it is possible to think someone into existence. Suddenly, I feel the night shaking it’s head and perhaps it is time to get some rest. I could wander through my own mind forever but it is, in fact, the most tiring thing I find myself actively doing on a daily basis.

He is a summer rain
A day you would rather be swimming
Out in the sun, soaking up rays into your vague veins
But you cannot control the weather
And you love it despite the inconvenience
He is snow in the winter
Beautiful and graceful
You smile when looking at it
But it takes a little more work than you planned
Shoveling the driveway, trouble starting your car
It is a hassle but one with a great view
He is you favorite television show
Funny, enjoyable at all times of the day
But sometimes leaves you hanging
Will come for a while and leave
And not return for a few days at a time
But when he does it is better than before
He is a jigsaw puzzle
Confusing and often stressful
But there is no better feeling of completing it
If you can, you try your best
He is love
Holy, sacred, untamable, fascinating in all lighting
Waking to rain, covering up in the cold
Turning up the volume
Putting the pieces together in the dark
He is everything I want
And everything I can't have

It's like playing with fire
It's like deep-sea diving
It's like playing in a hailstorm
It’s like sticking your hand out the window
Going 80 miles an hour down the highway
It's like climbing on the roof
It's like looking at the sun
It's like being blindfolded
It is such a rush
No matter how careful you are
You're in the dangerous situation
So it would only take away from the fun
It is never taking for cover,
Never backing out,
No limits, no escape plans
It is standing in the middle of it all
Realizing the risk
But never moving out of the way
That is what being with him
Is like

There are days when I love you
Days where all I want is to be next to you
To talk to you about the weather
And argue about where we want to eat
Days where I want you to choose
There are days when I love you
And I want you to know that
So in every way that I can, I will endeavor show it
I will paint a picture of your smile
I will carry you over puddles
I will be the princess in your castle
There are days when the hellos are endless
Days when music is so sweet
And the sunshine beaming through your truck windshield is the only light I will ever need
But, as there always are, they are inevitable
There are days when I hate you
Days where all I want is for you to leave
I want to scream at you for making me second guess all of my feelings for you and ask if you are doing the same for me
There are days when I wonder why I am with you
Days where I think I could do better than you
Days when your sharp tone and loud clamor of vocals in my head cut so deep I swear that all the blood will drain from my body in a matter of minutes
There are days when you make the world seem so sweet, like cherry trees and honey
The sweetest things of all are flowing within you
But there are also days when the fire that once kept us warm is burning us
Days when the sun is just another reminder that you do not shine as bright as it does
There are so many days that have already passed
They are a variety of emotions
But know that on the days where I hate you
I still love you, I just cannot not show it in that moment
Secretly I want you to stay
I promise I do

Guard your heart
Be careful who you love
We walk into infatuation like it is something playful and lovely
And at first it really is
But be careful on the second step
You will trust their hands
Fingers playing with one another as if the sweat between them will for some sort of prayer
For every finger that we let loosen, another knuckle grows back crooked
Do not hold his hand for too long
When water starts to gather in your palms, let go
Wipe them on your jeans, put your hands in your pockets
Be careful on the third step
They will show you how to swim and then throw you in the deep end
You will have no warning, nothing to catch you but the pool floor
They will smile at you from the top
Do not hold your breath
Let the air clear from your lungs
Vacancy was always something you were accustomed to
Sink to the bottom, memorize the feeling, the texture of the ground
When your lungs start to fill with water, swim to the top
Your hear will race but fall at the same time when you see him with someone else, do not let it take you
Do not let it take you
Guard your heart for the next time

She's going to be drunk and stupid
She's going to let her hair down, falling over her shoulders, smiling at the slight tickled feeling of it
She's going to dance with boys whom she will not remember the names or faces of but she will remember exactly what they were wearing
She's going to trip over herself, her knees will battle earthquakes breaking day fall of more drink or one more cigarette
She is going to smoke until she can only see a transparent outline of herself in the mirror
And she will smile, freely and oblivious to reality
She's going to be drunk and stupid
And it's going to be the most beautiful tragedy he has ever laid his eyes on

I want to light you like a cigarette
Burn the back of my throat
Scratch your way to my lungs
Tear them apart
I want to breathe you in
Breath after breath
Take it away and replace it with smoke
Dance in the haze
Kiss my teeth, leave stains as a signature
Declaring your presence
Burn my lips when you finish
Poison my body with this cancer
Watch the horizon flow up
And I press this cigarette bud down
Do not forget to leave the lighter with me
So I can ignite this fantasy, once more

I often wonder
That when you are drunk
Do you crave someone
Or do you crave anyone

you're right there
right in front of me
not even 3 feet away
although you and I are
miles and miles apart
my heart is on my sleeve
& yours is tucked away
in your blue jeans
each second crawled by
still I lost count
I tried to listen to your words
but all I could hear was myself
getting choked up
trying not to stare at you
was like trying to avoid
a flaming sunset on one of the
last days of your life
trying to forget you was like
trying to forget my own name
it's engraved into my mind
it's glued to the walls of my heart
my arms constantly crave to in yours
how can I avoid your smile
when it's the only thing I love
in the **world

Finding peace is like finding a lost chapter in the bible, it was there, waiting to be discovered, aching to be held, to be felt
Peace feels a lot like a blanket of sunsets was stitched together and laid over your heavy body, it makes you feel weightless
Peace is wonderful, so grab hold of it

I AM LOSING MY MIND OVER YOU AND I AM DROWNING IN THIS CONFUSION AND I HATE YOU FOR DOING THIS TO ME YOU *******

I hate to think that I need alcohol
To be confident around you
Without *****, I am only a coy maiden
I am fearful and tread backwards, never stumbling
I cannot trip and fall into you if my blood is only blood
This bitter-sweet poison helps me strip off my coats of paint
Freeing my inner goddess who is much more amorous
She is painted beautifully, she is dark and cunning
She carries herself with such boldness
When intoxicated, my mind does not race towards you
It is only a reminder that things can be easier
It is a coping mechanism that draws me into you but resists in such a way that restores my poise
I know that this will catch up to me
It already has in fact
But as I sober up, and only remember fragments of this puzzle we call a party
The night before replaying in my mind like a scratched up DVD
And after all of the missing scenes and mistaken context
I will always want to do it
*Again

The crowd is full of opinions
The world is full of perfectionist
The people are full of constant desire
The books are full of fiction
The movies are full of fake true love
The news is filled with tragedy
The internet is filled with hate
But you are made of light
No matter how dark your life feels
No matter what lamps have gone out
No matter how thick the walls are
No matter how far you think you may be from an open window
You do not need one
Because
You are made of **light

You can't know how this works unless you've lived it
People can throw out advice like colorful beads at Mardi Gras
But they will evidently always end up stored away
Somewhere they will not be used
Though that are beautiful and desired on some days
I do not wear them as jewelry
I have discovered that loving someone is not black or white
There is grey area everywhere you turn
You start to wonder if you wasted the colors by mixing them
There is no poetic way of putting it
When you love someone and they do not love you in return
It is only a slippery ***** of constant down fall
You often hit rocks and edges
But never hit the ground
There is an adrenaline to it
Falling through the air, bruising your shoulders
The air in times like this is a precious poison
I try not to breathe too quickly
Often hold my breath when you are in the room
I am sorry you cannot hear me when I am talking
It is only because I have found this love
More comfortable
Under my breath

As most poems go, there was a boy
Tall, handsome, with a good head on his shoulders
Ambitious yet silly, could make a crying child giggle
He had more light than any cosmo ever to lay a finger on the sky
He was incredible to say the least
And he loved me
Strong like an autumn breeze, pushing leaves off their hinges
Passionate like a kiss between two lovers who meet in an airport after months of being apart
Sweet like a teenage girls coffee
It was the most wonderful love I had ever known
But I was never sure how to return it
I was afraid like a young girl stepping off the bus after running away from home
I was bitter like ice cream melted in the hot sun
Damaged like a cell phone dropped in a river and fetched out
He was trying to ******* to life but I had swallowed so many unspoken words, I was still choking on them
And I loved him
But I was never sure how to show him
Was always trying to think of ways, spent too much time thinking, not enough time acting out
I am sorry to the boy who waited for me, showing me his favorite songs, I'm sorry for not listening to the lyrics close enough, I'm sorry they were about me, I'm sorry I never noticed
I'm sorry
And I could apologize with all the breath left in my lungs and it would still not be enough to make you come back
I've learned that if the universe does not want something to happen it wont
And maybe I just loved you at the wrong time
And maybe I was meant to endure this
I just really don’t want to
The only thing that I am sure I want, deep to the core, is you

I have discovered new changes and cravings that loving you has brought me to realize
One.
The warmth of a blanket is different from the warmth of a body and I would rather freeze to death in your arms than cover myself in fabric
Two.
As a child, I used to dream of red clay being palmed into shape
Into mountains, wind washed, carved to life
I think of loving you this way
Though it is only a childhood craft medium I can make something beautiful out of  it
Three.
I will forever be compromising myself for you
Though I know it is stupid to endeavor being well adjusted to something that is broken
But all I really want is to be what you want
Even if it means digging holes in myself
Scratching old roots out of my veins
Planting new gardens and flowers of your particular liking
Four.
Loving you is like walking across the street when you know it is not time yet, the crimson lit palm telling you that it is a time to stay still, never listening and thinking, maybe they'll stop for me today but they never do and you end up wrecked each time
Loving you is going back every day, already broken enough so why not test the waters once more
Convincing yourself that there is something different about this time
Five.
Though you are so beautiful, your smile is a light in the dark, your kiss is venomous and I know you are not good for me but there something so enticing about swallowing a poison that taste so sweet
You are a deceiving medicine that will only make me sicker
I have discovered new changes and craving that loving you has brought me to realize and these are only a few out of the many that my mind holds captive, I hope to tell them to you one day

Today I finally decided to write you the apology you deserve
I'm sorry I cannot offer you all of me
My body simply will not give away pieces of itself
Nor will my heart
I am trying so hard to love you with everything
But every endeavor falls short
I'm sorry that I am a sad excuse for love
Selling only the promise but never delivering
I tried to tell you and I sorry I'm didn't
I've been trying to speak words I could not swallow
I am a double edged razor and you cannot hold me without slicing your palms
I am sorry for placing myself in your hands
Today I finally realized, how precious you really are
And I am sorry it took me so long

I want to feel this way all of the time

The way I feel when I am with you is beyond heavenly. I do not even realize the blood rushing to my cheeks when you smile. You have no idea of the joy that it brings me to see your eyes beam like green traffic lights as your lips curled upwards, please never stop smiling, I would not mind feeling this way forever. Your tussled hair and serene disposition. How could someone not want you. I watch you as you drive and wonder if this could become habitual. I have never craved a passenger seat so much.  I taught myself not to believe in love. It was only a puddle that was pretending to be as remarkable as an ocean. You will get the bottom of your jeans wet and have to walk around in little puddles after you step out, the ones that form in your socks with every step you feel the memory of water. I am not sure why you do this to me, but then again I see exactly why. You light up when you laugh, you are charming and I want to be rescued, your breathing is a melody, I could listen to it on repeat, please never stop breathing, I would not mind feeling this way forever. I know the risk but I am willing to walk on a tight rope with a blindfold if you happen to be waiting on the other side with your hand folded out. Palm sweat evaporating into the breeze, the one that is trying to trip me up and knock me over. And though this all sounds crazy, if only you knew the way you make me feel when I am with you. It is beyond heavenly.

I want to feel this way all of the time

Falling in love is nothing and everything like they said it would be
It's mysterious and predictable
It's funny yet sad
It's song sounds like a sweet melody that
reminded you of bad dreams
It kept you awake at nigh and left you in a peaceful sleep
You see, falling in love is nothing and everything like they said it would be

I apologize in the name of you far too often than I should
I paint the picture and I am always the criminal
and you are the victim
Yet, all the while you stole my heart
I've been told that the more love you show,
the easier it is to get heart broken
And I have shown far too much love to you
Secreting my feelings for you in my back pocket
being careful not to sit down
and break what I have left of hope in tomorrow
and break the rest of what I have left of your smile
and maybe break a little more of my innocence and hope that love might be real enough to be returned by someone like you

There is something peaceful about being alone
I have learned that I don’t need anyone to complete me
I have learned that some puzzles can still be just as beautiful with a few missing pieces
And maybe one day I will find them
But for today, I am by myself
And I am okay with it as ever

Some of my best poems
are ones about you
and I am not sure
if I should apologize
or thank you for that

At the end of a wallpaper hallway you stand, bare and broken with a silver key in your hand
You can hardly believe that it has been this long since you have returned
So long that you haven't forgotten the very smell of this building
It used to be bitter, stained with take-out food and cigarettes
Now, however, you find yourself taking bigger breaths in efforts to reminisce
It's funny how some things that used to be so terrible, bring back the sweetest of memories
You think of walking downtown, the streets were littered and the sidewalks were cracked
But when he was with you, God, the sky could be falling and you would somehow still feel so safe
Now, however, you find yourself walking with your hands tucked into your chest
Never in your pockets for fear that you could not slip them out to defend yourself
Things have changed now, you see pictures of the person you love with someone else
It's a feeling that not even the most intricate of words could describe
For fear that the pages would actually bleed and it is hard to read in red now
You think of the roses that you picked up, bare stem, letting the thorns cut into your hands
You think of his hands, how holding them, everything was possible
There was something about him that made you believe in yourself
You had hope for what was ahead, no matter the obstacle, you had guidance
Now, however, you find yourself getting lost more often than usual
When you lose your sense of direction, you love everything
At the end of a wallpaper hallway you stand, bare and broken with a silver key in your hand
And you can hear her laughing from inside
You can hear him breathing

I crave the attention of a lover
Someone who will cherish my existence
Someone who will notice when I haven't replied
Someone who will miss me after I've just left
I crave the attention of a lover
who looks at me like the prized piece at a museum,
one that is guarded off
I crave the attention of a lover
who will break boundaries just to get to me
Someone who will burn holes in my skin with his fingers
Someone who will set off dynamite with his kiss
Someone who will love me to the very depths of the sea to the point where fish do not even dare to swim because of the surface pressure
I crave the attention of a lover
A lover who looks a lot like you

I too often find myself being sad
Feeling the weight of it sit on my shoulders
As the ground begs me to succumb to it
We are always allowed to joke about being lonely
But never taking a step further into it
Because no one wants to hear about your pain
There is no real interest in other people's desolation
Consigned to oblivion, treacherous waters
So tempting to go for a swim
Dancing in the rain until the flood waters drag me away
I have never felt such force pushed against me
Until I experienced you walking away from me
There is nothing more heart-wrenching
Than losing a love that never existed to them in the first place