There is something about unrequited love
A current in you will endlessly twirl
A wind will sweep you up
And at the brink of sensation
You will be shoved under the rug
You will feel disarmed and vulnerable
You will feel shrunken beneath their beauty
They will tease you and keep you hanging
The edge that you are leaning off of is slowly beginning to fall apart and you hear the audible sound of it breaking but you will risk your plummet just to be closer to them
Your heart will thump in your just like the banging on a gong and you will feel it reverberate throughout your body
But the rate of your heart beat does not change reality
They do not love you
The one thing about unrequited love is it risks it all
You could end up shattered like a glass vase
Crushed like dry autumn leaves beneath their feet as they walk toward someone else who is not you
You will feel every crack as it hits you
And they will only hear a soft, distant mumble
as you cry out beneath them
Do not turn and run
Because they might love you one day
That is by far the worst thing about unrequited love
The unknown

I'm a fool for falling for this
I'm a fool for thinking something so simple
Something so lazy and undeliberate
Could actually mean something
It was just a drunk kiss
Nothing special, nothing close to the proximity of feeling
A numbing passion, dull and mute
Forgetting it all because what's there to remember?
Nothing but misinterpreted shots and beers
Failing to recognize all of the flashing signs
I knew better but I couldn’t help myself
I've learned that life will toss you around
And then laugh when your hair gets messed up
Nobody cares for honesty after they show you what you want, nothing matters when looking at a perfect frame
Then you end up slipping in the exact moment you stop paying attention to the direction you're heading
After this there is nothing much you can do but crave the freedom you once tasted
Now, you cannot even begin to remember the sweetness
Only the bitter taste of you still in my mouth
And no matter the amount of alcohol I swallow
The burn of your tongue lingers eternally

There is something about being numb that is addicting
It is, sometimes, the only real way to not feel the pain
There is numbing medicine that we have all heard of
Anaesthesia, which means 'loss of sensation'
It is used to induce sleep, which prevents pain and discomfort
We have no problem with people using this to numb
Alcohol is my anaesthesia
It numbs my body, it numbs my mind
It pulls me into another time zone where the hands on the clock move faster
But everything else around you moves slower
All you can do is focus on the next drink coming
Rather than the pain being inflicted on you that made you go out in the first place
We all are addicted to numbing
Some sleep, some get drunk, some get high,
We all cannot deny the sweet flavor of feeling nothing
The needle piercing your skin but only feeling the cold, not the sting
The liquor scratching itself down your throat but loving the burn
Igniting a wild fire in your mouth, going down a ***** rubbed with gasoline
Numbness is an obsession
There's something so beautiful in the art of forgetting things
Even if it only be for a few hours
Alcohol dehydrates you, leaving you dizzy with a mind like a static TV
I would rather feel empty from alcohol
Than empty in the bed that we used to sleep in together
I would rather be numb in a bed next to a boy that I do not know
Rather than feeling all the glass I've stepped on walking away from you pressing into my skin while lying in bed alone

It was just a drunk kiss

Days like today make me reminisce
On the times where everything was simpler
When boys were only like bees that we chased on the playground
Not the sweet honey that we now crave, risking the sting for the little bit of sweetness that never lasts too long
The times when lunch was a sandwich and juice instead of cigarettes and cheap ***** that doesn't even burn going down anymore because you are so numb
I have been thinking about the days before these
When the world revolved around being happy instead of the constant stress of trying not to feel anything anymore
I still dream of the days when I did not love you
Days when you were not my constant thought
Days when I could go about my day and not worry about you at all
Days unlike today

Carefully disposing of things that do not hold close to me in winter weather
Slipping like ice through fingertips
Too cold to remain in one place
I am sorry that you cannot hold a grip on me
And that I tend to fall out of your hands more than I probably should
This is not an easy battle for any of us
In every war, both sides will always experience downfalls
There is never a triumph without there first being a failure
I do not remember how I started this
I do not remember the day my heart clenched on to yours at all
And I'm sorry that my heart is uncertain of its disposition around you now
My mind is drifting from the shore like a child lost at sea and I am trusting it's going to be alright sooner or later
Hoping that God doesn't disappoint me
I am not sure of most things to be completely honest
And to be blunt, I am not sure of you at all
And frankly that is all I am sure off
And for that I am sorry
Ice was never meant to be warm
Ice has always been cold
And always will be

I have finally brought myself to smile
Even if it is only in a numb form
Intoxicated, high, anything to get you out
And I only hope now that you are still reading my poems
I hope that you see what is behind these drawn shades
I hope that you can almost hear me weeping
I hope that you do not call me
Because I don't want your sympathy
I don't want you to feel bad for me and call me
Only because you don't want me to feel this way
I hope, if you ever do, that you call me
Out of sincere curiosity to how I've been doing
Acting as if you don't already know
Sitting with one hand grasping your cell phone
And the other, scrolling through my poetry page
And I will tell you "I'm making it"
That's all I can say, if you want me to be honest
Because I am
Sure, it's hard and each day it feels like a rubber band
I am pulling myself away, hoping that it will shoot me back to you before it snaps
But I am making it, none the less
Tonight, I will probably go and get drunk
Erasing you from my mind for a few hours
And I ******* hope you call me while I am intoxicated
So that I can answer and smile
Really smile, not because you called me, but because when you did, I didn't have to worry about anything
You are just another contact in my phone
And one day, that is all you will be
Drunk or sober
You will just be another person who calls

As I sit here, letting my tears race to the bottom of my chin, down my neck, swept up by my cold, shaking fingers
I sit here and wonder if this pain is sitting with you too
Are enveloped in a state of regret and guilt?
Do you feel anything at all?
There is a constant, reoccurring thought
"I am the one who did this to us"
I forget to brush away the flooding salt water from my eyes, noticing they have reached my collar
They sit there, slowing evaporating
The others escaping from my eyes making new traces on my cheeks
Before you, I would have held my breath and suffocated, choking on these shining crystals of pure sadness before I would ever let them plumage down my face
You opened up a doorway that I cannot shut on my own, not that you would ever help me anyways
This is the only language I speak to you
This silent language of grief
I am fluent in these words, distracting me from every other beautiful thing in my life
I hate you for pushing them out of the spotlight so that you could shine in their place, only in a dimmer form
Almost translucent
You are a cheap magic trick
Walking out of a trap door that I never noticed
Because I was too drawn to you
And I find myself sitting here, hating myself for it

Recently I have been reading a book
It is about two people falling in love
In the worst way
They are playful and beautiful
They are simple and extravangtly in love
Although, neither say it until they break up
This book reminded me a lot of us
We were playful
We were so beautiful
We both tried so hard to impress each other
But there is something different about us
When she leaves, he tries everything he can
To get her back to him
Building bridges, sending flowers, showing compassion
Endeavoring with everything in him to show
There was a love there, if you looked close enough
When I left
You drew yourself away from me
And as much as I hated it
I tried to get you back
But you said no
And I sit in this imaginary story
about two people who couldn't make it work
Reading about how he tried
But thinking only about how you didn't

After it all
I can really only think of one thing
You didn't fight for me
You said that there was nothing left for you to say to me
You didn't fight
You laid down your weapon
And watching me walk away
I would have preferred a bullet in my back
Than something as tragic as pain
With no wound to show for it

I wrote a poem once
My Honestly Poem (Revised)
It had a line in it that said
"I am still mixing colors, trying to find one that best fits me when I am around you
When I make this discovery
You will be the first person I call"
I ended it with two words
"I promise"
So, I intend to tell you what those colors are
They start with white
As every new canvas does
White like the color of your truck
White like sugar I put in my coffee on our first date
Downtown, PJ's coffee, you were just as sweet as that spelda, sweeter even
White like the frozen yogurt we got when we first really hung out
White like the white out I am using to cover all of the mistakes we made
Then a pinch of orange
Like the flower we stole off of a table sitting outside of Subway downtown
Like the sunset we watched on the Levi
Like the start of our pumpkin cake that I almost royally destroyed
Or like my Christmas gift, my bear who's name is Barry if you ever did wonder, like The Country Bears
Then dipped in dark red
Like the jacket I wore on our first date
Or the pants I wore on our second
Or like the plastered walls in BJ's
Or the color of your tie and my corsage at Homecoming
Then sweet, dark blue
Like the backdrop for stars that sat in the sky,
the sky we gazed at countless times
Like my blue jeans that you helped me buy
Like the color on your watch
Next, black of course
Like most of the clothes I wore
Like the majority of our attire at homecoming
Like the center of your eyes surrounded by pools of
Green
Greek like the grass we walked over
Green like the grass on the other side
I am still deciding which is greener
Green like your eyes
I know I've said it already
but I cannot seem to remove your eyes from my memory
Even after the green Starbucks where we ended it
Green was always there
Then the slightest pinch of purple
Like the color of my curtains
Like the color of my bed
The one we would lay in together and even though it was tormentingly hot we couldn't help but be close to each other
Then I realized, after all of this painting
I don't have a color after all
Mixed together
In technical terms some would say it was black
Those who have achromatopsia
Would say it was more like black and white or grey
But I wouldn't
Our love was as colorful as ever
It was gaudy and vibrant
It was brilliant, just as we were brilliant
So in conclusion, I call it opalescent
It reflects different colors in different light
We reflect different colors in different light
But in every light, we are beautiful
I'm sorry that hardly any light shines on us anymore
I hope one day it will
I hope it will shine as bright as ever
And maybe we can start back at white
As every new canvas does

I sit in a chair we once sat in together gripping the last pieces of our love in the palm of my hand
We slipped away like leaves on the side of the road
Too many others were flying past, pushing us into oblivion
We sat almost too calmly, rewriting the next chapters
Whiting them all out like mistakes we loved making
Starting on a new page would take away the memories
We brushed away the words like ashes that fell into our laps,
like spilled white whine
We did not believe the words
until we felt the dampness seeping into our jeans
I will never forget you
One thing is for sure, that even though one day I will be happy again and carefree and no longer crying over you
I will always remember your laugh
The way it slipped out, the way you lit up
I will always remember your eyes
The way they lit up like the stars we used to gaze at together
The way they smiled,
And the way they cried
I will always remember the way you held me like losing me was not an option
I am sorry that it crept in anyways
I sit in this chair, holding on to these pieces like you used to hold onto me, I am afraid that it is time to let these go too

I love everything that you do not love about yourself

I want a bookshelf
And an intimately lit living room
And as my husband and I clean the kitchen after all of those who have gathered to share fellowship have left, as we are cleaning the mess
He will stop me and we will dance in the light coming in from the room next to us
We will sway back and forth and listen to the music that isn't playing
Because we never needed an audible reason for us to be this close
As we finish off the kitchen, we will move to the living room
Folding blankets, turning off the tv, and grabbing a book
We will sit down and read
Enter our own little word's of literature while still holding hands
Pulling them all together into one fantasy
One of us will look at the clock and realize how late it is
We will mark our page and you will tell me I am beautiful
As we walk to our bedroom and turn off the hallway light
I will look up and smile at you
Because there is no greater feeling than sharing love with another person
We will crawl into bed and you will whisper into my ear that you love me
and I will say it back
and I will mean it
Because I do love you
I may not know you yet, but until we meet
I will be collecting books to place on our bookshelf
I hope you are doing the same

We all walk around
Like we have so long
Until we reach the end of our lives
Fooling ourselves each morning
"You are not going to die today, you
have a long while before that happens"
So we go about our days
Living as if we have so much longer
Too afraid to tell the truth
We waste each day if we do not live
As if we are dying
Because we are.

There are days when I love you
Days where all I want is to be next to you
To talk to you about the weather
And argue about where we want to eat
Days where I want you to choose
There are days when I love you
And I want you to know that
So in every way that I can, I will endeavor show it
I will paint a picture of your smile
I will carry you over puddles
I will be the princess in your castle
There are days when the hellos are endless
Days when music is so sweet
And the sunshine beaming through your truck windshield is the only light I will ever need
But, as there always are, they are inevitable
There are days when I hate you
Days where all I want is for you to leave
I want to scream at you for making me second guess all of my feelings for you and ask if you are doing the same for me
There are days when I wonder why I am with you
Days where I think I could do better than you
Days when your sharp tone and loud clamor of vocals in my head cut so deep I swear that all the blood will drain from my body in a matter of minutes
There are days when you make the world seem so sweet, like cherry trees and honey
The sweetest things of all are flowing within you
But there are also days when the fire that once kept us warm is burning us
Days when the sun is just another reminder that you do not shine as bright as it does
There are so many days that have already passed
They are a variety of emotions
But know that on the days where I hate you
I still love you, I just cannot not show it in that moment
Secretly I want you to stay
I promise I do

Water is a transparent fluid from which the world streams, lakes, oceans, and rain and is the major constituent of the fluids of living things
Water gives our lungs the moisture we need to breathe.
Water, therefore, is breath to life.
You cannot have too much of it.
Drinking too much water too quickly can lead to water intoxication water intoxication occurs when water dilutes the sodium level in the bloodstream and causes and an imbalance of water in the brain.
Although, you need it to survive.
People can survive no longer than 8 to 10 days without water
When our cells are starved for water, they become parched, dry and more vulnerable to attack by viruses.
Water is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year.
Water constitutes, regulates, flows through, cleanses and helps nourish every single part of your body. But the wrong kind of water -- with inorganic minerals, chemicals and other contaminants -- can pollute, clog up and turn to stone in every part of your body.
3.4 million people die each year from water related disease
That is equivalent to almost the entire city of Los Angeles.
I think water is all around us in metaphoric ways
For instance, water damage to a cell phone, computer, a book, or an entire city.
Water creeps into places where it is not supposed to be, where it is not meant to be and destroys things.
Suddenly, your screen goes white, words are smudged, people's belongings and treasures are ruined.
Water breaks things.
Water is a lot like pain.
It creeps into our life like a serpent in tall grass and fractures things that were once in perfect condition.
But the miraculous thing about it, although it is a demon, we need it to live.
Without pain we would not know pure joy.
How can you appreciate stepping to the sunlight if you have never experienced the shade.
Water is a lot like people.
70% is a person is water.
31% of our bones are made up of water.
Only 1% of the world's water is drinkable.
Some contain toxins that can be fatal to the human body.
Not every person may be able to quench your thirst.
When they leave they many leave you dehydrated and dizzy.
Not every person is drinkable.
Some people carry demons that they will introduce you to and you cannot rip them off.
These demons are not in relativity to the band-aids in your childhood.
People can cause damage like no other.
Some say that loneliness is killer.
Isn’t funny to think that the one thing you need most can leave you with more scars than you had in the first place.
Water is a lot like love.
Something we crave when the exhaustion from all of our day's work gets too heavy.
Without love we feel empty
When the body gets dehydrated it has already lost over 1% of its water
When we thirst for attention it's as if we lose an inch of security
Love is unlocking the door and flooding
Love causes destruction
But love is at the absolute brink of all things desired
Love is different temperatures
Love can boil, love can freeze, love can be just right
Love can be the one thing at the end of the day that refreshes the mind
Water is used frequently by firefighters to extinguish fires helicopters sometimes drop large amounts of water on wildfires or bushfires to stop the fire from spreading and limit the damage that it can cause
Love is the antidote to pain and the virus itself
Love is limiting damage
Love can calm the wildest fire set in someone's soul using only words
Water is such a generic liquid
Water is the only thing that hold each of us together
So when you reach the end of your journey
Remember water and all of its different forms
Remember the invigorating taste
Remember the abuse
Remember the revival
Remember it all
Because it is all there
**We simply do not look close enough

You are the evident piece of love that everyone wants
like the slice of cake with the most icing on it
You are the sweet candy that everyone craves
and the one you wish most to get on Halloween
You are the favorite book, the best seller, the one with words that you have to look up because you are not easily deciphered
Your voice, so delicate yet firm, reverberates in my skull
like a hymn in an empty church
You are the painting in my hallway that people have to ask about because, though it is beautiful,
they feel the edging desire to know what it is
The truth is that I don’t know how to describe you
Words will never be enough
I could write until my hand cramps and refuses to move the pen in rhythmic swirls to form letters and still it would never be enough
And for that I am sorry

You are the evident piece of love that everyone wants like the slice of cake with the most icing on it
You are the sweet candy that everyone craves and the one you wish most to get on Halloween
You are the favorite book, the best seller, the one with words that you have to look up because you are not easily deciphered
Your voice, so delicate yet firm, reverberates in my skull like a hymn in an empty church
You are the painting in my hallway that people have to ask about because, though it is beautiful, they feel the edging desire to know what it is
The truth is that I don’t know how to describe you
Words will never be enough
I could write until my hand cramps and refuses to move the pen in rhythmic swirls to form letters and still it would never be enough
You are more than I deserve

I am falling in love with you
And I am not sure if I should
Apologize or thank you for that
I am falling in love with you
You are teaching me something new
How to have hope
Hoping that the whole thing makes sense
Even though none of the pieces do
Hoping that we get the order right
I am falling in love with you
And this is not any ordinary love
Forget the shallow stuff, this is the deepest kind of love
The stay up late kind of love
The love that has never made life's lemons taste sweeter
I look at this love and marvel how anything could be wonderful
This love it small
But it is growing
Today we are a match
And we will one day grow to be a forest fire
I am igniting my mind with thoughts of you
This love holds every vacant space in my brain
I am falling in love with you
I hope you are falling in love with me too

In our lives we all come across a sweetness
One that we cannot truly fathom
One that will give us the cavities that we once had nightmares about but are now being welcomed into their new home because you cannot let go of the sweetness
I know that sweetness
I know what it is like to have something to fill you up
I know what it's like to love something so much that it seems to occupy every thought and every vacant space in your mind until the image of it seems tattooed on your brain
Do not let it go
Chances are that loving something so much, there is a reason behind it
I never believed in coincidence
Everything is fate, everything has a purpose behind it
If you love something so sweet
Your taste buds are addicted to that flavor for a reason
Taste it, never let it slip away
In our lives we all come across a sweetness
Usually only once, hold on to it

Falling in love with you
Simply doesn’t make sense
There's no logic to it
There's no brilliant explanation
That makes everyone suddenly understand
Falling in love with you
Is a playful game
Toss you around and laugh
When your hair gets messed up
Whoever smiles more is the winner
And the prize is only more jokes
Falling in love with you
Is something not everyone will notice
Something you can point to
But you cannot actually see
Something that’s not concrete
But not abstract
Falling in love with you
Is a little frightening
It is a scary process for sure
But I asked for it
What I have discovered about myself
Is I've never asked for something
That I wasn’t at least just a little bit afraid of
Falling in love with you
Is an easy task but hard work
I cannot help but do it
But in the midst of the ease
It is taking a lot more energy
Than I had ever planned
And I do not mind
You are the match that lights my fire
You are the calm in the storm
You are the hope in my seemingly distraught life
And I do not plan on letting you go
I will tie you around my wrist like a precious balloon
I will handcuff you to me like a criminal
I will hold you like you are the only warm thing in a snow storm
I am falling in love with you
And I do not mind
Not one bit

In life we all want to be remembered as something great
To have someone look up to you
To have someone be to proud of you
And lately I've come to the sad conclusion
That no one sees me as something special
The feeling of knowing that you've ****** up
And there's no turning back
Knowing you could've been so much better than this
Knowing you could've really made people happy
Just by saying no to certain things
But when you reach the brink of temptation
You say yes without realizing the devastation
Without even seeing the danger
And one day you wake up as just another one
Just another person who didn’t listen to the advice
We were all told as a child
Never thinking this would ever happen
But here we are
Just another **** up
That's all I am

I think it is hard to define true pain
We all have those bad days
We all have those bad nights
We all feel pain but in what context is it real
In moments when you feel hopeless
Those who you hope will comfort you
Will come up with excuses
Will say that others have it worse
Will tell you it's not that big of a deal
When you go to the doctor for pain
They will ask you to measure it
On a scale of 1 to 10
That is considered normal and necessary
We are told that tears are only salt water rivers
That will flow and drown your skin
But they will dry
Letting the crystal evaporate into the sunlight that makes everything better in the morning
Tears are no small thing to me
I believe that if something aches you enough
That your eyes produce water to show this
That your body knows that you cannot stand the dry desserts, you have to drown sometimes
In everything, we are told that it's not as bad as we think
That we should see what other people are going through
I do believe that their pain is real
But I do not believe that mine is meaningless
I still feel just as they do
My body does not listen to these excuses
I cannot train myself to always be happy
Because I am so lucky
I know that I am so lucky
And I am thankful
But my pain still matters
I am stuck giving myself scars by ripping it from my veins
But I am not going to keep my pain in a box
Do not tell me that this pain is only an advocate for attention
We've all paid the toll in exchange for rites of passage
Maybe I am misunderstanding the meaning of pain
But I believe all pain is real
If you feel it, it has to be there
Pain demands to be felt
So feel it

Understanding what we feel
Is so difficult
And other people asking
Assume that it is so easy to decipher
When in reality,
Words will never be enough
To truly describe the maze-like riddles
Going on in your head

An endless amount of wanting to see you wanting to be with you all of the time but an endless amount of fear to tell you because I do not want you to see me in need
I want to be able to stand by myself with you in the other room
I have to be prepared if you ever decide that you have gotten sick of me
If you ever decide to walk away
I don’t know how to even consider the thought of you leaving because I have wrapped myself up in our movie days
I have become too accustomed to our Wednesdays
I have gotten so lost in this peace that you bring, that the mere idea of you taking it away is frightening
There is an endless amount of wanting to see you and wanting to be with you all of the time and I do want to tell you
And I am working to get to the point where I do
You will know when and
I pray it is soon
because I've learned that in asking comes receiving
And confession brings good things
So maybe, when I tell you
You will agree
And I will spend less time missing you
And more time being with you

My addiction to you
You say, at least
Is small
That it is a mere grain of sand
But what you do not understand
To me
It is a mountain
It keeps me awake at night because
I feel I am hurting you
I'm sorry if I am
And you secrete it behind smiles
And jokes
My addiction is strong
And I do not know how to loosen my grip
And for that I am so sorry

One.
If I could
I would wash my skin in the endless sunrays
that your hellos bring
I would open the window to this cold bedroom
And let in the November wind to blow out all of the candles keeping us in dim light
So that you couldn't find your way out to leave
Two.
Lay me down
Tuck yourself in next to me
So that not even cold weather
Could take away from the warmth
That you bring
No heater or blanket could ever
Keep me like you can
Three.
I have found myself missing you
But being too afraid to say so
Four.
I am so scared to lose you
So scared to be another hit and run
Do not leave in the wreckage
My insurance does not provide for this
Destruction any more
I have grown tired of this too
Five.
You see, once enough pain happens
You tend to try and be careful
To have the eye of the tiger
And avoid future wounds
But you came in like my best friend
Do not leave as an enemy
Six.
I am sorry that I cannot help but smile
Whenever I look at you
But you are so beautiful
And I am so lucky
And when such a treasure is in my line of sight
I cannot help but marvel at it
Seven.
I am also sorry that I am so fragile
You call me beautiful
And all I see is a glass vase with seemingly
Beautiful flowers in it
But everyone else is unaware
Of what is holding them
We look only at the beauty of the color
And not the clear fragility that keeps them alive
Eight.
I will cross my fingers
Until the bones splinter at the bases of my wrist
And hope that as my heart runs away with me
That you are willing to come along
Nine.
I am learning to take risks
And not look down
Only at you
Ten.**
I falling for you hard
Hoping that your hands will be my safety net
Loving you takes a little more work than you planned
But I have learned that things that take work
Are the only things that are really worth something

Opening windows to let in the air that we never thought we would need to enter because our lungs
could surely sustain us from the wind but not from this
This storm that has occurred took me by surprise
and I am not able to sustain myself
I have been learning to stand up straight without anyone else's help but lately I have found myself falling a lot
My hands are always shaking
My knees tremble because they cannot hold this weight
Always slipping in the exact moment
when I stop paying attention to where I am going
I have learned that pain is not worth anything more
than the words you can dig up to describe it
I am crumbling like a palace of cards
It only takes a light breeze
To knock me over
Completely

It is easy to worry
About almost everything
Clothes, appearance, love
We tend to find a problem
In all things
But I have discovered that worrying
Is like a treadmill
You are tiring yourself out
But you're also staying in one place

Loving carefully
As if the world was holding
Both of your ankles
Ready to pull you down
From underneath
As soon as you mess up

I know some things seem stronger than your own will
I know that in dim light
It doesn’t seem wrong
In dim light
You are told that you can stay here
Forever but you cant
Today it seems like this addiction
Is stronger than my own will
It seems like the window to this cold compacted bed room
will never close
Letting go is one of the hardest things to learn
and one of the least taught
I have learned that the work is never pretty
But it is the only way to build the house
I am letting go today
And I hope that as I let this go for you
That you hold on to me

What I've learned is you can never be too careful
You think that everything is fine
You think that no one will ever know
How many walls have been built and
Knocked down inside of your head
You can never keep something hidden forever
No matter how careful
All secrets will step into the light
Eventually

I am young
I haven't met my worst days yet
Nor my best
I haven't done much
I'm only a young girl
I lie to myself often
I cry a lot
I cry about things that people
Should never cry about
Like spilled milk
I laugh in uncomfortable silence
I laugh at things that most people
May not find funny
I laugh when I try not to cry
To remind myself that there is still room
For a smile at all times
I do not worry about my past
I tend to worry a lot more about my future
No one can calm me down
Better than my little brother
His innocence and light-hearted attitude
Makes me realize how sweet life is
I don’t think life is a box of chocolates
Not everything in life is sweet
Sometimes you lose people
Sometimes you lose yourself
Sometimes you just lose
And sometimes you don’t have other people
Who are going to be able to help you up
My advice for you is
Learn to zip up your own dresses
And put on your own bracelets and necklaces
You will not always have someone to do it for you
I'm only a young girl
I don’t know much
But I learn something new everyday
I have learned to live life as it comes to you
Don’t take anything for granted
Because you will miss the small things
You will realize
The small things were the big things after all

I have been trying to love you slowly
Like painting a picture
Exercising each color
Mixing different ones
Covering over mistakes
Learning from them
Loving you slowly
Like learning to ride a bike
Starting with training wheels
Until I can balance myself
On my own
Loving you slowly
Like writing a book
Using metaphors
Fixing the grammatical errors
Learning that each and every word
Has a deeper purpose
Loving you slowly
Like using a needle to dig through
A granite wall
Like emptying the ocean
Using only a teaspoon
Like putting out a forest fire
By spitting on it
Loving you is a slow process
I want to realize the significance
I want to focus on every detail
I want to keep this love alive
For as long as I can bear
I know that we are not to the point
Of calling this love

But slowly, oh, so slowly
I know we will get there

Lately, I have been discovering how to be happy
I am experiencing tiny moments of blissful peace
I am learning to stand without anyone else's help
I am looking beyond the ruins of my old habits
And heading straight towards the reconstruction
Making new blue prints now and using brighter colors
This process is slow, it's true
It will not be a quick recovery
Being in the dark so long, too much light can be blinding
But I am not turning around
In fact, I regret those times where I have chosen darkness
I have wasted too much time not being happy
But I have found that once you find real joy
It is hard to walk away from
I am getting better at smiling when people expect me to
And not wanting to cry as often as I did
My reflection is looking more beautiful than it has in a long time
I have discovered that the greatest beauty secret
Beyond make up and fitness and money
Is being happy
When you truly have something to marvel about
Your complexion clears, your eyes reflect light
Your smile is like the eastern sunrise that occurs after a long night of rain
So thank you to everyone who has helped me here
For picking me up despite my heaviness
Despite my occasional refusal to stand
Despite my sporadic mood swings where I am upset beyond real reasoning
Thank you
For not letting go of my hand as I swore I was fine
You will never truly realize all that you have done
And I don’t know if I ever want you to
Just know that I am thankful beyond all words

My Honest Poem:
I was born August 11th at 10:58am
Being born on this day, means I am a Leo
I read my horoscope religiously even though I do not even know what a zodiac sign actually is
I'm 5'5"
I couldn't live without green tea or coffee
And I'm a sucker for a boy with a nice smile and honest eyes

I am still learning how to speak up
I often keep my mouth shut when I'm expected to talk
And talk when I am expected to keep my mouth closed
My eyes are constantly scanning for possibility
My arms are reaching for experience
I do not believe most things unless I have tested it myself
Theories were never my best attribute to the conversation

I am a handful
Most people who have known me for a while warn other people to stay behind the caution tape because
My life was never a pretty journey
I tend to make most of my problems bigger than they actually are but when people ask I say they are only small things that are simply no big deal

I am taken by my failures and astounded by my fears
I wish I did not have any at all
Although, I do, I fear almost everything
I fear what I know
I fear what I don’t know
Secretly, I get really nervous when people stand close enough to hear me breathing
I am irrational and complicated
I apologize for things I shouldn’t
And I often find myself wanting to cry but never allowing myself to because it is step down on the food chain

I am dangerous in the setting of love
The idea of it is so beautiful, but nothing that should ever belong to someone like me
I fall in love so easily
And I am still not sure if this is a curse or a blessing
I get carried away by promises that not some do not intend on keeping
Including my own
I am sorry that grip is so fragile, I am working on getting stronger

My name is Alexis
I love frozen yogurt
And laughing at my own jokes
Even if I am the only person laughing (which is most of the time)
I am insecure about my body, my personality, even my laugh
I smile even when I am not actually happy
Although recently I have discovered what it feels like
To really smile
Certain people are teaching me new things such as how to be truly happy
And I do not intend on letting them lose
I hope they do not intend on slipping away when I am not looking

My hobbies include:
Worrying about my future
Writing poetry about people I never intend on reading to them
And wanting to someone to show me I am beautiful without the words

I have found myself lying down a lot lately and not because I am tired or
craving affection or because my back hurts
Or because I feel like staring at the my ceiling
I sometimes lay down, because I can hear my heart beat so clearly when I do
I can almost see it bursting from my chest
I know God has something else for me
Because each and every time I lay down
My heart never fails to remind me, I am still alive
I am still a living and breathing piece of art
My life is a large canvas that still has a lot more work to be done on it
And I do not intend on leaving it as a rough draft
I am still mixing colors, trying to find one that best fits me when I am around you
When I make this discovery
You will be the first person I call
I promise

It's like playing with fire
It's like deep-sea diving
It's like playing in a hailstorm
It’s like sticking your hand out the window
Going 80 miles an hour down the highway
It's like climbing on the roof
It's like looking at the sun
It's like being blindfolded
It is such a rush
No matter how careful you are
You're in the dangerous situation
So it would only take away from the fun
It is never taking for cover,
Never backing out,
No limits, no escape plans
It is standing in the middle of it all
Realizing the risk
But never moving out of the way
That is what being with him
Is like

I want to describe how it feels to miss you
But I am not sure how to explain a sensation so serene
I miss you like plants miss rain in a drought
Thirsty for the only thing that can truly save them
I miss you like a mother misses her child on their first day of kindergarten, thinking they can do without them for a while but missing their constant presence
I miss you like an ex-alcoholic misses shots of whisky
I miss you in the morning and during the day
I miss you in the small moments when I'm busy and in the dull moments when I have nothing but time to miss you more
Even when I know I will see you soon
I miss you now, I miss you and I wish I could see you a little more
And maybe miss you a little less

This is a lot harder than you think it is
As humans, we like the idea of us being able to jump into things and handle it
No tutorials or real practice
Just the notion that you've got it under control
But truth is, we can only handle so much
People around us can only handle so much
We may love the concept that we don’t need any help, that we can do whatever we and it'll always work out
It wont
Taking things slow is a lot harder than you think
Knowing the speed limit
Only makes you want to exceed it
Putting a boundary lines only makes me want to cross over it
Taking things slow is tough, it's true
But the best things take time
I believe that
And this is the best things

I look forward to being in love with you
I look forward to kissing your sunlit skin
To laying on your shoulder as we ride in the car
To holding your hand when mine gets cold,
When yours gets cold
I look forward to going out on the town
and showing you off to the street people
Unfamiliar faces who will never truly grasp the beautiful being that I believe you are
I look forward to smiling at you
When you are not looking
When you are too busy driving or looking at something on your phone or simply stuck in a day dream
I look forward to different times of day with you
To coffee in the morning and music at night
To watching the pink and orange in a sunset glow and linger, to watching the sun creep up in the east
I look forward to this peace
I look forward to being in love with you

I think too many people try to fall in love
Everyone has made it to be a painful feeling
A feeling of incompleteness and constantly worrying if they love you just as much as you love them
My advice to you, don’t be afraid to fall in love
It is not so much painful, just risky
If you like living life close to the center, no edges, no chance of slipping or tripping over your own feet to tumble down into the unknown
Or would rather walk on the sidewalk than the street
I would suggest that you do be careful
Because love is tightropes
Love is knocking you over
But love is trusting that person to help you back up
Love is dangerous, or else it wouldn't be so fun
No one looks forward to doing rational things
The speed limit is over rated
I think love is no seat belts or headlights
Love is no safety net, love is never knowing is someone is actually going to catch you but trusting that they're paying enough attention to
Too many people today, try not to fall in love
My advice to you is, do not be afraid to fall in love
It is the greatest mistake you can ever make

Today I finally decided to write you the apology you deserve
I'm sorry I cannot offer you all of me
My body simply will not give away pieces of itself
Nor will my heart
I am trying so hard to love you with everything
But every endeavor falls short
I'm sorry that I am a sad excuse for love
Selling only the promise but never delivering
I tried to tell you and I sorry I'm didn't
I've been trying to speak words I could not swallow
I am a double edged razor and you cannot hold me without slicing your palms
I am sorry for placing myself in your hands
Today I finally realized, how precious you really are
And I am sorry it took me so long

I was born August 11th at 10:58 am
Being born on this day, means I am a Leo
I read my horoscope religiously even though I do not even know what a zodiac sign actually is
I'm 5'5"
I couldn't live without green tea or coffee
And I'm a sucker for a boy with a nice smile and good posture

I am still learning how to speak up
I often keep my mouth shut when I'm expected to talk
And talk when I am expected to keep my mouth shut
My eyes are constantly scanning for possibility
My arms are reaching for experience
I do not believe most things unless I have tested it
Theories were never my best attribute to the conversation

I am a handful
Most people who have known me for a while warn other people to stay behind the caution tape
My life was never a pretty journey
I tend to make most of my problems bigger than they actually are but when people ask I say they are only small things that need a little tweaking

I am taken by my failures and astounded by my fears
I often wish I did not have any at all
Although, I do, I fear almost everything
I fear what I know
I fear what I don’t know
Secretly, I get really nervous when people stand close enough to hear me breathing
I am irrational and complicated
I apologize for things I shouldn't
And I often find myself wanting to cry but never allowing myself to because I see it as a sign of weakness

I am dangerous in the setting of love
The idea of it is so beautiful, but nothing that should ever belong to someone like me
I fall in love so easily
And also out
I love the chase but I do not know that to do once I catch them
I find that this is something I need to apologize for but never do

My name is Alexis
I love frozen yogurt
And laughing at my own jokes
Even if I am the only person laughing (which is most of the time)
I am insecure about my body, my personality, my laugh even
I smile even when I am not actually happy

My hobbies include:
Worrying about my future
Hiding behind a silicon mask
And waiting for someone to tell me I am beautiful without it

I sometimes lay down, not because I am tired or craving affection or  because my back hurts
I sometimes lay down, because I can hear my heart beat
so clearly when I do
I can almost see it bursting from my chest
I know God has something else for me
Because each and every time I lay down
My heart never fails to remind me, I am still alive
There must be a reason for that
I believe that there is a reason for that

We will have to keep quiet about this love
A love story never to be published
Never to be seen by anyone
Always closed doors and deleted text messages
Always turning off the camera
Always turning off the light
We will have to keep quiet about this love
Because not everyone is ready for it
Everyone except us

This is not a poem about you
So do not so much straighten out your posture
When your name arrives
This is not a poem about you
Or about how you make me feel
Though I would love to talk of it
As I could for hours
How your tender touch makes me shiver
How just being wrapped in you
I feel as if the oceans waves have crashed over
In the most beautiful way possible
It is a rush and it is calming and roaring
With oh, the desire to kiss you
But this is not a poem about you
It is not
About how the craving of lips
Never failed to occur after we dismiss each other
Or how at night the sound of your voice echoes in my head
I replay little moments where it looked like
You maybe, sort of, almost loved me
This is not a poem about you
Although, I wish it could be
I am sorry for writing too many
I am sorry for enclosing my writing to being
Only about you
This poem is not about you
Although, those that are
They are my favorite

Loving you is my favorite mistake
One I would never take back
Although I have kept up this act, that it wasn't a problem
I know it was a bad decision on my part
But I do not care
I will love you even more
Because our hearts never worked well with erasers
And I think that mistakes like these
Turn out looking a lot better
Than the way we're "supposed" to be
Kind of like changing the ending to a bad movie
You'll thank us later

I never thought I would fall in love with you
You are the unobtainable, best friend
You are captain friend zone (or you were)
You are sweet candy that will rot my teeth
You are sneaking out my window at night with the understanding that I've already been caught
You are risking it anyways
I never thought I would fall in love with you
Because you are so annoying
But oddly enough, I crave you
I crave you in the mornings when I wake up to a cold room
I crave you at night when my mind refuses to sleep because thoughts of you are like caffeine
You have the audacity to be beautiful even when everything around you is not
I never thought I would fall in love with you
But I think I did anyways

If you would have asked me what I though love was a year ago
I would have responded with one word
"Pain"
Love is late nights and damp pillows
Something that you find in the romance of hazy coffee houses and broken cigarettes.
Something that you get burned up in
Something so unobtainable people crafted a word for it
Unrequited
Love is cavities, love is hurt
But then I came across a boy
Who is now starting to change my mind
He shows me that love is acceptance
Love is joy
Love is waiting by the phone, love is finally calling and hoping that they answer
Love is a shared song that you can both cry to
Love is comfortable silence
And now, as I think about it more
Love is beginning to look
Love is beginning to look a lot like him

I look forward to cigarettes
Habits walking back into my life
Those I spent everything on
Just trying to push away for good
All of my endeavors failed
But they calm me down
Carrying stress away like a helicopter carrying someone too injured to wait longer for any other form of transportation
Carrying me like a mother holds her first newborn child, being especially careful, don't drop it
The spark of a lighter like a firework
A sweet flame, always comforting,
whispers,
"you couldn't change
even if you wanted to"
And I sit here
And in one hand, holds an escape to my pain
And in the other
My own throat