Some advice I would have given myself last weekend
One.
If something feels wrong, do not do it. When you want to call him, hand your phone to your best friend because she can do less damage with it then you can.
Two.
When he tells you he was interested in someone else, do not reach for the alcohol. I know that it hurts but you will feel worse in the morning and it is not worth it, it never was.
Three.
When the stench of cigarettes and cold sweat tattoos itself on your skin, do not wash it off. Let the odor sink in until you realize that it is one that you do not need.
Four.
When you feel tired, go to sleep. Though staying awake seems like the more fun option realize that your body is setting into fatigue for a reason.
Five.
When you want to jump out the window, don’t. The ground seems so close but it isn't. When your friend pulls you away do not walk back.
Six.
Pick yourself up, wash the aroma of last night from your back, listen to it disappear into your shower drain, let the water be too hot. Close your eyes and focus on the memory tearing from your body, last night was a lesson, learn from it and move on.

A love that is not tangible
One that stands just close enough to reach for
With the illusion that it is close enough to touch
It isn't
It is sweet and lures you in like a blind man to beautiful music
I look at him, wide eyed gaze as my heart seizes inside of my chest
Lips pursed in expectation of what may never be
The way my knees break at the sound of your voice
Like I am bowing down to God
I save your words, tucking them into my pocket because
I only hear something so gentle and alluring so much
And suddenly the anxiety of truth wraps itself around my chest
Reminding my heart beat to slow because it is no use in getting so worked up
Over something so unattainable

There is a boy
His skin is a warm dawn on the eastern mountains
His smile is the flick of a match in isolated darkness
He does not hold to the world, only the people of it
He cares for those with heavy hearts
But deep love is not one among his many skills
He never really fell, only tripping others to fall into him
I do not know how to leave him alone
So for now, I will wait here, collecting dust,
if only it means I will touch some of his particles that fall on the floor

Fear sits in a chair across from me
Eyes peering through my skull
I wonder what he is looking for
My body tenses
A spark of tingling is lit at the tip of my toes
It climbs
Clawing at my ribcage, gripping my throat
Flooding my mind
As I try and convince myself that the wars in my head
are crafted from divine reason
My body tenses more
Fear, still staring, smiles
Because he's found what he's looking for
A face of boy, sitting there in the vacancy of my brain
And I would have cried
But I've learned that there is no use in getting your face wet
Over a silly, inconsistent boy

I was never good at coping with severe pain
I only magnified the existence of it
My heart pounded into my chest like a plane crashing into a building
You will never get used to someone not loving you
Of course, we say it will get better and that you will feel renewed, refreshed once you finally move on, they promise that it will be okay
But how am I supposed to trust these people that never knew you
I've tried to let go, to throw away the things at the bottom of the box
To burn and let the ashes dance in the wind off to some better place
But each and every time I spark the lighter, I end up burning myself
Instead

The way the world sees a woman today
Is quiet strange to me
It is survival of the prettiest in the hallways
Death of them on the streets
Playing the first game we learned how to
Twirling our hair to the boy with the cigarette in his mouth
Because the bad ones were always more alluring
Wearing a short skirt in the city is like driving without a seatbelt
Girls are taught to survive by using our bodies as weapons
We convince boys to love us the only way we know how
Because what good are words when he can't see your mouth
We know the answers but do not raise our hands
Let someone else take the victory
Male kindness is so alien to us we assume it as a cat call every time
And after you have given your body away to countless boys,
each one taking a piece of you
That is when you will realize how badly you needed them to see the whole picture clearly
You will greet the mirror like a criminal in a line up
Do not think that this is your fault
Do not think that this is his
Strip your clothes, get into your shower and wash off his scent
Let it linger for only a moment but not for too long
Wipe your face, comb your hair and let all of the crippled reasons bleed out on why you should give yourself up again
Remind yourself of your value
And get dressed

Early morning coffee on the front balcony
Where the smoke dances with the fog
You never liked to get up this early
But something was different about today
The ideas lingered in the air
And you watched and waited for one useful
So you could grab hold of it and put it in a poem
See the words stack on top of one another
Like bricks of a castle you once dreamed about
Fragile but holding such strong will to shield its princess from harm
There was something about this Saturday morning
Something that set it apart from the rest
Maybe it was the smell of rain on the pavement
Or the dewdrops on your balcony railing
Maybe it was the way you simply couldn’t get comfortable in bed
Maybe it was because last night
You slept in it, alone

He was so quiet and I could tell he was nervous
I kept walking and I could feel the sweat gathering on his hand
I clench it tighter
The scene, however, was breathtaking
A long wooden bridge with white paint peeling and wrinkling of old age, intimately lit with candles dancing in a light breeze
The sun was falling in the west
And so was I, more and more each day for this man
It amazing what he does to me
The water beneath us, singing as it rippled within itself
I listened to the hum of each footstep of ours, almost in sync
I turn to him,
"Are you okay? You're being really quiet."
"I'm fine, just a little anxious, that’s all."
We are coming to the end of the bridge and I see a table
Draped in a thin, dark blue table cloth with two lawn chairs
There's orchids in the center, my favorite flower
What I love about orchids are the petals themselves are so exquisite but their stems have to be held up by little clips, they are beautiful but they cannot stand on their own, like a lot of other beautiful things
I look back up at him as he slips his hand out of mind, wipes it on his pants and pulls out my chair smiling like a child on Christmas morning
I look at him in that moment as a strand of hair falls over his forehead
I can see the color and shape of my perfect life
The house, the children, the arguments over the curtains are all fading away with that one smile of his

I was so nervous, I literally cannot bring myself to talking
I mean, the things I would usually jump to have already been discussed
The weather, how her day was, how beautiful she looks
Well, I wouldn’t mind telling her that again
The bridge creaks with each footstep of ours as if it is imploring for our bodies to sink into the water beneath it
The trees were swaying just enough for the leaves to rustle with each other but lightly enough for me to still hear the sound of her breathing
The sun was falling in the west, I gazed at it
An alluring sunset burning up the atmosphere
Speaking of burning, my hands are sweating so much
I would tell her how sorry I was but I think she already knows
The sound of her voice startles me a little but I play it off... I think
"Are you okay? You're being really quiet"
****, I am being really quiet
"I'm fine just anxious, that’s all"
We are coming to the end of the bridge and everything is just how I hoped it would be, the table from my dad's shop, the dark blue table cloth from Sears, the orchids in the center, her favorite flower
I slip my hand out of hers which was a lot harder than I expected it to be, I just don’t want to stop touching her
I wipe them on my pants nonchalantly and pull out her chair
Honestly, I've stopped trying to not smile
I can't help myself, it's amazing what she does to me
I kept looking at her and wondering how lucky I could be to have found someone who reminds me of sunlight even on the rainiest of days
I swear in a world of black and white, she would still have color

Something has been going wrong with me for a long time now
My life used to be overflowing with potential
Nothing could stop the greatness I was heading towards
But something did
I wasn’t always a hollow thing
I was once overflowing, abundant in joy and hope in all things
Life was sweet and I couldn’t get enough
But now everything has changed
People talk to me like I am dead and I have to remind myself that ia m not, that I am still alive
Life crippled into unfinished meals on the table
Languages dried up
Seeing old friends that only loved who you used to be
I am an empty vessel that no one wants to touch
But I have reached a unmarked line
Crying out, begging me to try again
Revive my old self that was stolen by intoxication of the wrong things
Light the candle and watch it burn
Inhale the scent of lemon cherry blossom
And begin to hope, begin to make myself believe
That second chances are real
And that maybe this is mine

We arrive at a beautiful bridge,
lit with candles and dressed in flower pedals
It doesn’t look like a very far walk and I wouldn’t mind if it was
Every second with him is one I cherish
I turn to him as he puts the truck in park and unbuckles
He's smiling out of control, I wish I knew what he was thinking
He wipes his hands on his pants and steps out
"Looks like we've finally made it you grump," he says to be playfully and still smiling
"Well it's about time," I say as I unbuckle and reach for the door handle without thinking
He looks at me with a stern look and says, "What are you doing? In all the years we've been together have you ever opened your own door?" God, has he always been this fascinating
I feel like I'm walking through my life with this immaculate creature
I mean how could he even still want me after 4 years?
He shuts his door and I can see him smiling as he walks around the front and to my door, swift movements as he runs his fingers through his hair, I swear I could watch him walk in circles around this old truck
He reaches for the door handle and holds out his hand to help me out
This is basically a routine thing that we've done since the beginning but every time is just as sweet as the first
He reaches in the back and grabs something
"Look away!" He demands, so I do
He has a picnic basket and has tucked something into his pocket
I think nothing of it and we head towards the night
The moon illuminating the walk way and the autumn leaves crackling beneath our feet as time begins to slow

We finally arrive, thank God the candles haven't gone out yet
This **** bridge was so risky but it's where we met
She probably doesn’t remember, but I do
It's not a very far walk to the end, though I wish it was
Walking with her is like walking with all the light in the world
I cherish every second, she makes me feel like life is worth living
I see her turn to me and I'm so nervous but somehow manage,
"Looks like we've finally made it you grump"
I can't stop smiling, but neither can she
That's a good sign right?
"Well it's about time," she says as she reaches for the door handle
"What are you doing? In all the years that we've been together have you ever opened your own door?"
God, I don’t think she's every looked so beautiful
She looks down, giggling as she places her hands in her lap
There's something about the way she laughs, it's so playful and light, it's like a song that gets stuck in my head
I don’t know how she still wants me
I swear walking around the front of this truck is the longest walk ever
I run my fingers through my hair just to tease her
I open the door and reach for her hand, I hope she doesn’t feel the sweat layering them, I don't think I can bear to tell her why
I reach into the back of the truck and shout
"Look away!" and thank God she actually does
I shove the box into my pocket and grip the picnic basket
I hope she doesn’t have any ideas, not yet at least
We head towards the night
The stars in the sky lit the way, they looked almost like a map
The leaves crackling beneath us sound like fireworks
The ones she's always loved
We continue walking and I can almost feel time begin to slow

It's been two hours and we are still driving
The radio has repeated the same songs over and over
My seatbelt has grown too tight around my right collar bone
And my mind has fallen into my lap due to my eyes focusing too ******* the scratches in the window rather than what is behind them
I turn to you and ask,
"Are we almost there? I know I've asked you a billion times but I'm so hungry and my foot's asleep."
You look like an angel, draped in a white t-shirt, almost glowing
I cannot get enough of your aura and scent of burnt pine cones
You turn to me and lick you lips
"We're almost there, just be patient."
Your mouth forms a slight smile as you turn your head
And here I am melting in the passenger seat
I have never been so captivated by someone
I could watch him drive for hours and never get sick of it
As I'm looking out the window I see him smile out the corner of my eye as he glances at me
Oh there has never been a sweeter feeling
I can feel my body loosen and I feel as if I could slip right out of this seatbelt
I don’t think he knows what he does to me


It's been two ours and we are still driving
The radio has the repeated the same songs over and over
My seatbelt is cutting into my neck
And my hands are getting tired of holding this steering wheel
I feel as if they are numb and my left foot has drifted asleep
I see her turn to me and ask,
"Are we almost there? I know I've asked you a bullion times but I'm so hungry and my foots asleep."
God, she looks like an angel, her golden brown hair spilled down beside her face, framing it perfectly
She smells of vanilla and spearmint gum, I can't get enough of her
I turn to her and lick my lips
"We're almost there just be patient."
I smile because I just can't help it
The way she makes me feel is like nothing I've ever felt
Her whole being entices me
I could look at her for hours and still find new details that I love
I glace at her and smile, God, she's so beautiful
Oh there has never been a sweeter feeling
I can see her body relaxing as she lays her head back on the seat
I don’t think she knows what she does to me

There is a boy
He has velvet lips sweeter than honey
Enticing green eyes, shining like the full moon at the nights peak
His hair, dark and lustrous, has a sheen like fine hardwood
Like a waterfall of autumn leaves
His smile ignites a fire in my stomach, burning, growing
His aura is captivating, I could talk to him for hours
Everything about him grips my attention and I do not know how to get away and I am afraid to relive an unrequited love story
There is a boy
I barely know him at all
But the little things have always been the biggest
And maybe something so alluring,
Something that can mesmerize me this much
Well, perhaps maybe it was meant to

I can only imagine what it is like to love you
To watch you walk down the hallway to my kitchen
The soft thuds of you shoes and the wood floor
Sounding almost friendly as if it the reverberation is shaking hands with the walls
To see your hands slip into your pockets as you look down and smile at your feet
You slip one hand out of your pocket and it climbs the air to your hat as the other hand runs its fingers through each brown strand and gently places the hat back on your head
Only swift movement and light breathing
To see you driving down the highways of the city
One hand on the steering wheel, while the other fools with the radio, endeavoring to find a perfect song and stay on the road at the same time
Then I can almost see myself reach out and grab your hand when you've slipped up on a song that I liked
And you would look at me and smile
Eyes tightened and lips forming half of a crescent moon
As the timidity in your mind turns your head back to the road
A red light comes up
We both have never been more happy to come upon a stop
You turn and look at me, lean in, lips locking
Hands condensing into each other
This kiss sets my skin on fire and fills me with the life I'd never known I was missing
Suddenly a car horn interrupts us as laughter fills the air
Oh how incredibly lovely it is to be diverted by strangers
When we were once strangers ourselves
And today we may be strangers
The ones who are sitting at red lights behind people in love
Laying on our horns with somewhere to be
Today, that may be us
But before long, that could be you and me
Who are being interrupted
At a red light

There is something so intoxicating
About fooling around with someone that you love
Who does not love you back
It sounds ballistic and ludicrous
That you could give your body away so easily
To someone who isn't careful
With how he takes it
There is no genuine gentleness
There is no slow rhythm
Only anticipation and hope that he does not drop you
I am only giving myself away because I love the way your hands hold me
You do not grip or restrain
I am free to leave whenever I want
And so are you
And that is the most freeing, yet heart wrenching thing of all

There will be a day, coming to you soon
When your world of black and white turns to color
The pages in your childhood color book
Will be scribbled outside of the lines
Every inch will illuminate pigments of joy
Carelessly erasing blankness
Replacing it with animation
There will be a day, coming to you soon
When the gaps in your soul will be filled
Like pouring water into the glass
Whether it be half full or half empty
It will be overflowing
There will be a day, coming to you soon
When the words that fell out of your mother's mouth
Taunting and baneful, each criticism will melt beneath this new light that you have found
Do not give up yet
Nothing is as hopeless as it seems
There will be a day, coming to you soon
When everything will be okay
Don't miss it my love
Don’t miss it, please

My love is a building
The foundation beneath it was laid carelessly
Workers smoked and drank, they were unaware and sweetly intoxicated
My love is a building decaying in rain or snow
It cannot withstand such trouble
It is a strong yet fragile house
A lovely uncouth prison, a clumsy little girl's doll house
My love is a building
It is hidden and silent like folding a sheet of tissue paper
With every winter storm, it shivers in the wind
I am sorry to my love
For not taking care of you
The wallpaper withers, falls onto your creaking wood floors
As dust gathers in the basement
Laying particles of the atmosphere over old pictures and mementos
I still have your necklace
And I will hang myself with it around my neck
From the stairwell  
Because everything else in this house
Is falling apart anyways

The green in his eyes are a radiant emerald. A green that pushed through snow reminding you that spring was coming. That churning, passionate green that ocean turns during a storm. A green resembling the color of the forest after it rains. A luminous layer of water lays over the leaves, giving them the exquisite form like the eye of the Wizard of Oz. A soft green like an old sweater that's been washed too many times. A piercing green that made you stop to look again after a glimpse, one that made you look twice because once could never satisfy. Sunlight plays inside of them, dancing with pools of pine. Your eyes lure in innocence and twist it into ivy vineyards. I cannot resist them, I never could.

A sunrise it created by broken pieces of light hitting the atmosphere
Igniting the sky with flaming orange, leaving people in awe
I have never seen a sunset quite like the one I've seen today
Approximately 39,000 feet in the air and finally I see it
Painting over black and navy blue with warmer colors
Burying the darkness in something more hopeful
I think about my plane ticket
I know, this is odd to think about when looking at something beautiful
But I think it is important to remind yourself on how I got here
It is only a slip of paper, it holds a date, a name, a seat number, a destination, a departure time
But it does not talk about what you will experience
A plane ticket is only the introduction to the show
The ticket does not promise safety or a sunset or a sunrise
The ticket does not tell you who you will sit next to
The ticket is all of the general information, it is the instructions
It is all taken by chance, the ticket is only the stepping off point
I encourage you to think of your life like this
Do not skip the plane ride because of fear or uncertainty
Because you could miss one of the most beautiful views of all

Even when I am drunk
And I do not know what I am doing
Even when I cannot see clearly
Even when I cannot walk straight
When I am drowning in obscurity
And my façade falls on the ground
And shatters like a glass picture frame
Even when my blood turns thinner than water
Swimming in alcohol, wading in the diluted pool
Even when I stumble
Tripping over myself
I am a hand grenade
If you touch me the wrong way
I will lose it all
I will give myself up to you
Surrender like a body on a cross
Succumb to this eager craving
That only alcohol makes me acknowledge
Shoving it in my face
Reminding me that I still love you
Even when I am drunk
And I do not know what I am doing
Even when I cannot see clearly
Even when I cannot walk straight
I will always be able to run to you

The ocean to come people is seen as an enemy
A vast area covered with salt water mysteries
We have not discovered all that is hidden beneath its thresholds
Oceanic breaths pulling in innocence
Their mothers tell them not to swim out too far,
Do not dare go where I can't see you honey
The ocean is filled with hundreds of thousands of known marine life forms, there are many that are yet to be discovered, some scientists suggest that there could actually be millions of marine life forms out there
We, as humans, are so fearful of the unknown
Fleeing from an form of uncharted findings
We run from things that we have not yet given names to
Breaking waves roar for attention, sometimes names will never be enough
That is the hardest thing to learn and the least taught
The ocean does not push away intentionally
Waves may crash over you but it will always apologetically draw you back in
The taste of salty air will engulf all of your senses
You will feel as if you are drowning but the water is only merely covering your ankles, you will be afraid, as we all are, feeling small-scaled and young
But panic isn't an emotion
And fear is not a battle plan
The ocean will hold you like the hemming in a backyard hammock
Wrapping you up until the smell of your mothers perfume fades into seawater
Filling your lungs, capturing, swallowing you whole
The tide will lace in your veins, you will try to erase all you have learned about the not knowing that lives within it
And suddenly, as time hangs suspended on the sunset wall
You will ask yourself, if people are so scared of the ocean
Why do they still swim?
Because love is stronger than pride
And some people will give anything
To be held
Even if it means drowning

Intoxication is so bitter-sweet
Blood slipping out of its form
Inundating in alcohol
And there is something so sweet about swimming in the thin liquor
But something so bitter
In the fear of drowning

I want you to call me when you're drunk
When vision is blurred and words are slurred
When your mind is running and tripping over its own feet
Throwing misspoken sentences right out of your mouth
I want you to call me
I want you to tell me that you miss me, tell me that you haven't forgotten about me yet, tell me that this drunken conversation is one you have been rehearsing for months
I would never want you to tell me these things sober
I want you to call me when you're drunk
I only want you to call me because you are lonely and are craving any sort of attention, I do not want you to mean anything that you say
I want you to call me when you're drunk
Cascade this façade all over your barstool
Run your fingers through your hair in distress and lack of affection
Call me and tell me everything on your sweet mind that I once knew
Call me and remind me of it all
And I want you to do this when you are drunk because I do not have to worry about this fight dragging on, we will settle this tonight and you will not recall it
I will able to nod my head and smile and not miss you anymore
This is the brink of intoxicated exhaustion
Call me when you are drunk
And reveal the secrets you've hid away in your heart
But I want you to wake up the next morning wondering
What spilled off your tongue, and why my name appeared lit up on your phone
I want you to call me when you're drunk
And not remember any of it
Do not call me in the morning
**Do not call me ever again

Loving you is so bittersweet
It is like running on a fractured ankle and thinking this will help it heal
It is like ringing the doorbell to an abandoned house an expecting someone to answer
It is the only thing that all of the songs are right about
Loving you is quiet
I could never do it out loud because the thing about unrequited love is it does not dare to speak up, it cares more for holding its breath rather than wasting it
People tell you that if you love someone, you should always tell them
But I fear that telling you something so audacious would only scare you away
And I cannot bear you leaving
I would rather love you from the corner of my eye rather than the blur from salted crystals seeing your backside as it walks away from me

I am learning that even though you love someone
It is better to leave them
If it only brings anguish on you
Casting spells that will forever bind you to misery
They will tell you to change your name
And you will want to do anything to make them love you
Because they asked you so nicely
And you are so naïve to the sound of their voice
It is like a gospel choir in an empty church hall
You are drawn to anything seemingly beautiful in isolated settings
But after all of the fun and games
There is always a loser
So I am going to travel miles and miles, leaving behind dirt clouds in my rear view mirror, throwing your name out of the window
Sort of like lighting the last match just to watch it burn
Let his face linger for just a second longer
But do not let it tattoo itself on your brain
Tattoos are not temporary
Neither is love
And I have learned that though you are permanently scarring my memory
Eventually, you will fade away
I hope that eventually
You will fade away

You will not expect it
You will be out with friends
When the news of her existence accidently spills
All over your barstool
Do no wipe it away
Let it tear through the leather,
And stick to all of those who choose to sit there when you leave
You will want to down three more shots of cheap liquor
Then three more, as many more that you need to throw up tonight's words that climbed out of your friend's mouth and into your shot glass
You will mumble regrets into the toilet bowl as your liver aches because it is your punching bag in times like these
You will want to call him and will go as far as holding the phone in your hand with his number dialed by memory
Do not call him
He does not want to hear your drunken proclamations of amour
He does not care for you, no matter how many times your heart has tried to convince you that he does
If he did you would know it because the small things would be the obvious ones
You will wake up the next morning feeling fatigued and cold but though you are in agony you will look forward to more alcohol
Because the burn in your throat is an easier pain to bear than the thought of him kissing someone else
Reality laughs at your consistent attempts to run away from it
And will always be there, standing in the door way the next morning

I think everyone will in their life reach a point
Where the burden is too heavy for such a steep incline
When your insides churn and stir with every new assignment
When the flood gates of your mind are opened with every step
This world's gravitational pull suddenly is so much stronger
So we go and we let out our anguish, brushing off the demons that dance on our shoulders, releasing the clenched fists onto dry wall
Chocking on responsibility so you swallow it away with liquor
The bar stool you sit on is pulling at the black seems outlining it
The bartender is busy with orders, the man next to you has just taken off his wedding ring and you are only here to leak the stress out of your veins as your blood begins to drown in alcohol
Surrendering to another shot, downing it without realizing that you do not need any more because you can hardly mutter "Can I get two more?"
Never realizing, never tapping out, just losing yourself until the survival instinct inside of you convinces you to go and get it
So tonight, when the weight of this week begins to break your collarbones
Succumb to the wine in your kitchen
Succumb to the bottle of ***** at a party
Succumb to it all
Because that is the one thing this stress cannot stop you from doing, it cannot stop you from leaving it under the pillow
What you do determines your life
Do not succumb to sleeping with a boulder on your back

I have discovered new changes and cravings that loving you has brought me to realize
One.
The warmth of a blanket is different from the warmth of a body and I would rather freeze to death in your arms than cover myself in fabric
Two.
As a child, I used to dream of red clay being palmed into shape
Into mountains, wind washed, carved to life
I think of loving you this way
Though it is only a childhood craft medium I can make something beautiful out of  it
Three.
I will forever be compromising myself for you
Though I know it is stupid to endeavor being well adjusted to something that is broken
But all I really want is to be what you want
Even if it means digging holes in myself
Scratching old roots out of my veins
Planting new gardens and flowers of your particular liking
Four.
Loving you is like walking across the street when you know it is not time yet, the crimson lit palm telling you that it is a time to stay still, never listening and thinking, maybe they'll stop for me today but they never do and you end up wrecked each time
Loving you is going back every day, already broken enough so why not test the waters once more
Convincing yourself that there is something different about this time
Five.
Though you are so beautiful, your smile is a light in the dark, your kiss is venomous and I know you are not good for me but there something so enticing about swallowing a poison that taste so sweet
You are a deceiving medicine that will only make me sicker
I have discovered new changes and craving that loving you has brought me to realize and these are only a few out of the many that my mind holds captive, I hope to tell them to you one day

This is an indispensable love that has tied itself to me
Handcuffed my tired wrists to its strong pull
It is luring me in and I am trying to convince myself
Maybe I can walk away from this before it is too late
Before I am completely bound
Before this small cuff turns into chains
Love does not let you see it adding more custody
You will not realize the urgency until you cannot move
And I feel as though, maybe looking at you too long
Can cause a ******* that I will never escape from
And I am not sure if I am ready to be bound to you
While you are still bound to her

Loving you is the closest I have ever felt to flying
Yes, of course, I've been on an airplane and have jumped on a trampoline
I have had short lived experiences of being airborne
But loving you is long and drawn out flight
It feels as if the hands on my clock have arthritis
Like a bottle rocket pressing between my lips
Counting down the seconds that pass exceedingly slow
Waiting for the explosion
For the collision of my lips to yours
I have been waiting for far too long it seems
But maybe time is yet again using me as a martyr to prove that it does not care for your disposition or circumstance
Time only arrives when it knows it is needed
Time is never late or early
I am soaring through this love with only me, myself, and I
And I am waiting for the day where you believe that you too, can fly

Someone stopped to tell me that I was beautiful today
A complete stranger, someone who crossed my path for a second but decided they could not leave satisfied without spilling out a compliment into my lap
I wasn't sure how to pick it up at first
I smiled and said thank you, combing a piece of hair behind my ear, trying to hide the timidity in my posture
Thank you, to whoever you are

I want to write about my grandmother's hands
And how they have performed through life
Maneuvering with wooden spoons as steam permeates into her skin
Worn and wrinkled but still beautiful
Scrubbing stubborn leftovers off of glass plates
Tucking in weary children in dim lighting
Crawling into bed, gripping the end of the covers, pulling them over herself, keeping warm in winter weather
Wrapping herself up, placing her hands under the cold pillow
These hands have mirrored warriors
Marched like marines, held other hands, they have been kissed
They have been clenched into fists
They have been burned by aluminum pans
Slaving away for her family
These hands only want the best for you
These hands have wiped away tears
These hands have trembled at what they could not prevent
My grandmother's hands are still at work
The longest career imagined, laboring through the world
Layering themselves in survival
Her hands have experienced life in many different ways
And I will continue to read them like a story book
Until they go cold

More and more people each day give up on trying to be happy
It has become a tedious chore that many no longer want to do
It was something you would add to your to-do list for the day
"Be happy," it reads
And each morning you wake with coffee too hot to drink
And a vague memory of last night's lust toward sadness
It will baffle you how morning is not that much different
The sun is out, it is a brighter landscape but your body is still in the closet darkness
Eyes that narrow at any source of light
It was never like this before
And, as every morning, you think back to that feeling
Where happiness would sweep over you and you did not have to look for it
Before "Be happy," was written
On a list

Can you remember who you were,
Before the world told you who you should be?

There's something haunting about you
I could watch you all day
And never get sick of it
Like staring at such an intricate piece of art
Finding new details with time and memorizing all of mixed colors that were used to create something so beautiful
Each of your breaths are fistfuls of stones dropped in my throat and anchored in my chest
The way you smile with such sincerity and light-heartedness like an innocent child
I know that you are no good for me
I know there is more to you than the precision that I see
I know that you will only hurt me
And I know that I should walk away before the ground crumbles beneath me
But there is a hope that you will be the one to catch me
Before I plummet
A hope I will hold onto until I fall

There is infatuation and reality
Infatuation is knowing he loves you more than anything
Maybe baseball or his mom but you, you know his love is strong
Infatuation is a short lived love that exists while they are still perfect to you, that exists while you think that he has no flaws
And you love the little ones that you see
Infatuation is flying, soaring through clouds, feeling them brush the back of your hands, kissing your body with empathy
And then there is reality
Reality is realizing that he is like the rest
Never holding him to a standard to be different
Because he is only a boy
And boys will do what boys will do
They will look and flirt and crave and push
He is only a boy
You have to realize that he is not perfect
He has more flaws than the pimple on his chin or his crazy ex-girlfriend
Think about him
Realize that reality is knowing who he is
Not who you want him to be
Your mind is creative with love and this will be hard for you
But realize, please realize, that he is not different
He is only a boy
But that does not mean he cannot love you
He can love you with everything he has
Love you with all of his whiskey breath and cologne sprayed for any pretty girl that is drawn to it from across the party
He can love you like plants love fresh air
His love can grow, spread like roots digging themselves deeper
Reaching for a place to call home
He may love you, but love is not perfect
Love has its faults and failures
It is sometimes messy and will leave empty promises in the palms of your hands, do not hold on to them
You will want to grip them tight, squeeze until the broken pieces mend back together crooked
Reality is realizing you cannot fly unless you are in an airplane
There is no such thing as superman
This is reality
This is not your fantasy
And I know that is hard to hear
But know that even though love is strong, lust will sometimes win
It is not an even playing field
It never was

I do not remember how I fell into this
I only remember you being at the bottom
Of this hole

I hate love and how it is so deceiving
It lures you in with a promise that this will be just like the movies
Giving us an image in our minds
This will be something so sweet
But instead it just cuts the roof of your mouth
And leaves a bitter aftertaste on your tongue

I want to feel this way all of the time

The way I feel when I am with you is beyond heavenly. I do not even realize the blood rushing to my cheeks when you smile. You have no idea of the joy that it brings me to see your eyes beam like green traffic lights as your lips curled upwards, please never stop smiling, I would not mind feeling this way forever. Your tussled hair and serene disposition. How could someone not want you. I watch you as you drive and wonder if this could become habitual. I have never craved a passenger seat so much.  I taught myself not to believe in love. It was only a puddle that was pretending to be as remarkable as an ocean. You will get the bottom of your jeans wet and have to walk around in little puddles after you step out, the ones that form in your socks with every step you feel the memory of water. I am not sure why you do this to me, but then again I see exactly why. You light up when you laugh, you are charming and I want to be rescued, your breathing is a melody, I could listen to it on repeat, please never stop breathing, I would not mind feeling this way forever. I know the risk but I am willing to walk on a tight rope with a blindfold if you happen to be waiting on the other side with your hand folded out. Palm sweat evaporating into the breeze, the one that is trying to trip me up and knock me over. And though this all sounds crazy, if only you knew the way you make me feel when I am with you. It is beyond heavenly.

I want to feel this way all of the time

I have learned about the world
And it's history, know where the landmarks are and the 7 wonders
I know that it holds beautiful, walking legends
People who want to change the way the system works
I think about their hands
Hands learn more than minds do
Hands learn how to hold other hands,
How to grip pencils, how to mold poetry
Hands are the maps and compasses on which we navigate our way through life, they are the guide, they are the ones who endure the working
Each callused palm, each cracked knuckle
Hold a story, one you may not think about as often as I do
Hands twitch and tremble
Hands pick you up
Hands praise
Hands catch you on your way down to fall
Hands clench in fists, hands open wide
Hands are learning more each day about their limits
Do no underestimate the power of a persons hands
Hands touch, hands break things, hands also glue them back together
I have learned about the world and it's history
And look forward to reading the hands of people who live in it
For that is the greatest learning experience of all

I often find myself wondering
If you have forgotten about me yet
If I am a closed history textbook after the year has ended
If I am the chapter in the book you skip over now because you know only useless information is provided
I wonder if you look at your watch and think back on the times we used to share
Wonder if you recall the late night phone calls
Wonder if you remember the sound of me weeping
I wonder if you ever think about how my lips would have tasted if only you'd ever gotten a sample of them
I wonder if the girl after me could satisfy you in a way you knew I never would
Your secrets are not sitting in the corner, they are in the light, I know how it feels to want to be filled up when you are so empty, I wonder if she did that for you
I wonder if you're happy that I am gone
I wonder if you wonder about me
About my happiness
I often find myself wondering the most however,
What you will do next
With someone else

I crave intimacy
Delicate touches that reach into me like pressing down on an old mattress, feel my skin cave in, hear it creak and cry out
Make this sound into a melody
One that I will sing to myself on nights that you are not here
I crave intimacy
Drawn out conversations about the future and the past, avoiding mistaken mishaps and leaning over boundary lines
Racing towards insanity, or racing away from it
Whichever you would prefer
I crave intimacy
Dancing in the dim light coming from the television screen in the living room, neither of us are very good at it so the laughter is much more consistent than the skill of our movement
I crave intimacy
Kisses on my neck that send lightning bolts down my spine, there is something about lips touching the bases of what holds your head up, it makes you want to fall into them
Kisses on my neck from your lips would make me never want to stand again, I can only imagine the paralysis
I crave intimacy
Simple sometimes, simple as going out to lunch and splitting the ticket, or sweet glances in the car, or showing you my favorite songs, or even soft skims of the back of our hands as we walk side by side, a marvel that neither of us were expecting
I crave intimacy
With someone who does not push me past my limits, someone who respects my hazardous past, someone who does not question my ability to walk, even when I know that I can't
Someone who believes in me
Someone a lot like you

Unzip yourself, step out of your façade of a body
Wipe off your coats of paint
I want to see every part off you that you hide from other people
Let me read your rough drafts and kiss your faults
Let your pride fall on the floor
Do no reach to pick it up instead reach out to me
I am holding out both my arms as far as they extend
And I hope that my arms do not detach from my shoulders
From the pressure my body is exerting to touch you
Do not shelter yourself from me, I am begging
I know that we are not ideal or perfect
But some of the best stories come from the worst nights
So let's write poetry together
With the way our bodies loop together like cursive letters
Copy and paste your old drunken stories onto the pillow case
Let me trace love letters on the back of your neck
Give you sweet bruises, and then paint over them so no one will see
I know, I know that we are not ideal or perfect
But do not leave tonight without us uncovering the reason why
we can't be

And as of now I have finally realized
I was drunk off of only you
And you were only drunk

There is something peaceful about being alone
I have learned that I don’t need anyone to complete me
I have learned that some puzzles can still be just as beautiful with a few missing pieces
And maybe one day I will find them
But for today, I am by myself
And I am okay with it as ever

Lately I have found myself pulling out arrows and throwing them back at cupid because although you are not supposed to pull the weapon out of the wound, I refuse to remain in this
I would rather bleed to death than drown in love

Thinking about love is like throwing thoughts into vast emptiness
I used to be a hopeless romantic but now all that remains is the glimmer of love that has fallen out of my chest like a dot of glitter on the ground that catches your eye, you may look at it for a second but eventually you will find yourself stepping on it

I used to believe in love
But I do not anymore
Because of you
I do not believe in love, at all

My arms are wide
Capturing fire as the wind blows
When I am with you I feel as if I can take flight at any moment
And I am still unsure if it is because you lift me up
to where I can smell the clouds
Or if you are about to push me
Over the edge

There are the worst days
There are days when you want to fall to the floor, melt into it, feel each floorboard sink into your bones, feel your skin succumb to nails and creak when someone steps on your hip bone, feel it break just a little as the pain raises up your veins
There are days when you mind will disintegrate in the flames that are burning up your eyes, light a match just to watch it burn do not let go of it when it reaches the tips of your fingers, let the heat fold into your flesh
There are days when getting out of bed is a survival tactic because if you just lay here you will feel your lungs collapse on themselves, feel your breathing slow, let the ceiling fan spin in your head until you are too dizzy to remember why the day was so bad in the first place, feel your
There are days when you will want to give it all up, watch the smoke rise from your body, see the translucent form of yourself leave your room leaving the door open, hoping you will follow it but you do not, you never do
There are the worst days
But do not fear them
Because thought there are the worst ones
There are the best ones as well

There is no way to train your heart to realize when someone means it
when they tell you that they love you
No way to teach your mind to pick our small details in their posture or
the way their left brow twitches right as the word 'love' slips off of their tongue and out of their mouth
Though it would be easier if we could just know when someone is actually in love with the structure of your soul
Who really understands the meanings behind all of your fears and passions
Someone who does not succumb to pressure and says it to make you feel safer but instead only saying it when it is true because though not hearing it back is hard, hearing it fall and shatter on the ground beneath you is a lot more painful because you have to pretend that you believe it, have to pretend that this is real and the only this falling on the ground is his pride
And in most cases, you do believe this, because you will convince yourself that your love is enough for the both of you to share
Though you know you feel more, it is okay because your overflowing cup will fill up the empty space of his
Do not fool yourself
You will want to do everything is your whole being to make this work but love only held on one side is not love at all
Regrettably, there is no way to train your heart to realize when someone means it when they tell you that they love you
But there is a way to know
Do not believe them when they tell you
Believe them when they show you
That is how you will know