I saw him today
He looked just as he did months ago
He hair was all in his face instead of slicked back
His shirt was tucked in and he was wearing a belt
He looked like his old self again
The one who I knew, really knew
I understood his brief sigh, could wrap my mind around his gentle smile
Could wake up to his breathing
I had never loved someone in such a way where it consumed me
He was delicate, fragile, but could stand in his two feet with no effort
And I loved when he was drunk, stumbling into my arms
It was the only time I ever really held him if only for a fleeting moment
I wish I had never known him before the change
It would be easier for my lungs to collect air
If I hadn't tasted his secrets, hadn't washed my hands in his laughter
If I hadn't met the boy who cared so much for the world
He never faltered in his genuine approach, never had to even try to be a light
He just was
I know that in this drought I will have to move on from him
But it is hard to walk away from something you once found such solace in
He was a thunderstorm
Could put me to sleep in troubled times, the sound of his rain
But the echo of his thunder was enough to wake the dead
The destruction he left behind him was merely a walk through an empty hallway
He had no idea what he had done to me and still I think he is oblivious
I do not want to tell him
Do not want him to feel pain or remorse for a girl he swore he'd love forever
I've learned it is easy to believe the things you want to hear
I was deaf to every motive that was not to my liking
I should have seen it coming from the moment he said he was just too busy
Hectic schedules are likely dry seasons and the sand of our hourglass had run out
Time had slipped off of my fingers like rain drops off the window of a car speeding down the highway
Flying by but moving ever so slowly
Evaporating had never seemed so malicious and
I saw him today
He looked just as he did months ago
He hair was all in his face instead of slicked back
His shirt was tucked in and he was wearing a belt
He looked like his old self again
The one who I knew, really knew
But I don't know him anymore
And he
Does not know me either

Pain is river inside my bones
The art of unrequited love is it paints with dry brushes
Cracking the valleys and bones of your canvas body
Careless in acting of one thing but being another
Cupid is ******* irresponsible
I'd swallow poison if it tasted like you
Most of the time I'm scared to death
But I'm quite a fool for love
Curled in a ball sipping wine about you
Staining my lips that yours have yet to touch
I talk to trees about you
How I wish our love would grow like vines
Intertwine our bones, reach up
Do not leave the sky so soon
My tears are all over this city
In every coffee shop, vacant parking lot, public restroom
I drown out these desert concrete streets with your name on my tongue
You're exactly the madness I need
But I am fire breathing, I will not tell you what I am feeling for fear of burning you
******* my words with stutters and cheeks so red you mistake them for roses
I know that you don't love me
And that I am frequently a bother to your active lifestyle
I am sorry for being the way that I am in ways that you do not favor
I would meet with every voodoo, black magic, magician, wizard, witch, sorcerer
If they could mold me into someone you would want
It's pathetic I know, that I would tear off parts of me that I earned and once loved because some love is stronger than other and triumphs if it means it will be returned for it is the greatest beauty in this world
Where one does not question actions, dig deeper into conversation, body language
It is something I have not yet experienced and I had hoped it would be you to make the change
This is the sound of a mind coming undone, the twisting feeling of a migraine mixed with a bullet and you grandfathers old bottle of whiskey
I do not take this lightly, and I need you more than I need another cigarette
This is not a love poem
I am not trying to make you love me, I am not trying to tell you that I do
I would hate for you to have to bare knowing that you are the reason someone's soul is breaking
Would hate for you to feel guilty if feeling was to be possible for you
I hate you for making me feel so barren, deserted, hollow
I feel if I trip over one more misguided assumption I will fracture the whole structure of my body
I am a ribcage with no sharp corners to trigger your concern
I never imagined love would be so painful
As a child, I would paint pictures on the walls of my bedroom with stick figure lovers and hearts booming from their embrace, holy and sacred, untouched with the truths of reality
I know that when we are young we are naïve
And I am still young and I am still naïve
I will believe you even if I know that I shouldn’t, I will not mark boundaries because it would make me want to cross them
I cannot see how far I've come
Cannot see the surface, cannot see the sky
I feel I am being swallowed and you are taking flight
Tell me how the weather is, I hope it is wonderful
And I hope that you, in search of someone better, will find them
And that you will fall so far in love you wonder if the surface is now only a conspiracy theory
You are so deep in romance that mediocrity is unspeakable
I hope she loved you better than I did
Because, though it is hard for me to say this out loud, I didn't give you my best when I had the chance
So maybe she is smarter than me, maybe she will give you what you've deserved this whole time

I sit in the November congelation
Hair risen on my skin, shivering under its frigid grip
The wind whispers a name and I cringe beneath the thought of you
And how if you were here I wouldn't be so cold
Your touch warms my skin
I shake my head in effort to clear the memory of your hand in mine
But there are very few things that can distract such a one sided love affair
I think of your burnt caramel dark brown hair falling over your forehead
Pale skin softened by the light of the rain
Eyes, green peering right through me
And that mouth that turned up corners in curiosity
You are an eternal misconception
I guess I have fallen in love with the idea of you loving me again
I know we existed once in a different lifetime
A few months ago where maybe we were meant to be together
But pieces of us have died since then and I'm not sure if we'll fit together anymore
And I know I have to stop trying to make us
You unraveled my inner dandelion,
Watched me dance on the night sky,
Helped me befriend the moon
I was so in love with you
Let me today show that I can do something right
I can love you better, I can love you and show you more
Endeavor with the deepest parts of me, spill open my heart
Open this book and read it to the end
I want to keep you safe, I want to keep you here
Even fragile hearts are strong enough to hold on to something as big as love
Your beauty punctured my soul and there is no antidote
Sometimes the only cure is the thing that infected you in the first place
Is it wrong to want to be centered when we are so unbalanced
You speak to me like a flightless bird, wounded and nearing extinction of emotion
You are the sweet whisper that is selling the promise of love but never actually delivering
You are swearing that everything will be okay but never doing anything to help me
I've learned that love comes when love feels it should, even when it is wrong
I have been re-watching old memories in hectic static and the rewind button isn't working
They say that time heals everything
But what am I supposed to do when it feels like the hands of my clock have arthritis
I remembered the last time he arched his mouth in my direction
He smiled the way Lucifer might smile, moments before he fell from heaven
Then, he stood straight up, shut my car door
The sound of the door slamming shut was as loud as a cannon firing in my ears
I was so oblivious to your discreet malevolence
I never in a lifetime would have imagined you
The unwoven leather material rubbing warm, gentle against my skin
Comforting me when fear was at my grip
The driven wonderland filled with my favorite songs
The happy hearted musician who played them for me
The open book, turning page, signed off, detailed, immaculate
The one person I could see myself loving for the rest of my life
You are the one who made me so unsure if it was one worth continuing

Falling in love is like driving without a seatbelt
You are vulnerable to any casualty, fatality, you are unprotected from chaos
I never understood people who drive without seatbelts
I never understood their courage
It must be nice to feel so safe, you have to invent new ways to put yourself in danger
He was thunderstorm
Exciting and powerful yes but violent, unpredictable and ultimately short lived
He would look at me the way a tsunami looks at a beach house
And all the while I am thinking it is a nice day for the beach
I never did see it coming, not that I ever could have
Love blinds you, blurs your vision, it makes you forget to pay attention to the dangers and direct your focus to the wonderful
I only wish I could have heard the sounding of alarms, could have escaped the burning building for I set it on fire
I have found I am quieter now
Not as ambitious, not as outgoing, not as much laugher hangs in the air above me
With him, most days I could grab my voice and swing it like a hammer but now I pick it up like a shard of glass scared of what might happen if I didn't hold onto it carefully
I have recently been asking myself if sorrow is an art we should pride ourselves on sharing
That we should not fear failure of broad shoulders, we should not be afraid of pain
Throw pity parties in collection of bitter humans
The kind of party where no one is close but everyone is friendly tonight
Love ties come under
Romance is not relentless in appearance
A kiss does not last forever
Passion dies down
Jokes stop being funny
Coffee is too strong
Emotion shows little respect to your inner organs
Affection lies down into its grave
Sometimes the things we would die for are the ones that end up killing us
And now, I find myself driving for hours without my seatbelt on, holding on to nothing more than the steering wheel and endless thoughts of you

I have spent nights drowning in liquor and the language between us that we never learned to speak out loud
I have underlined the catch phrases
The clues, the insiders, the unspoken declarations
I have swallowed syllables, swallowed shots
Injected my body with the way you sound on the phone when you're tired
I leave my phone downstairs so I can't call you in my sleep
At night, intoxicated and stubbornly confused I am a little less broken
Numb to the humility of unrequited love
Shake hands with cupid in back seats
And talk with him about his aim
When it is dark out, somehow I can still breathe
The constellations hanging heavy over my head offer enough comfort to keep my eyes dry
But I always love you in the morning
More than the morning before
Somehow in my brief unconsciousness, you are still alive
I often wake up in a pool of *****
I am so tired of this endless spiral to no where
I am tired of spilling your name out all over my mattress in a drunken sickness in the middle of the night
Early hours of the morning, before dawn
I recognize my reflection by name but not by spirit
And maybe love is only easy before the sun comes up because it is so easy to find yourself
When you are dazed and drowsy
Worn and wavered
Your senses take flight in essence of the indispensable atmosphere gripping the tips of your fingers
Let the smoke rise, ashes fall
Let the clouds dance over the moon
And when the sun comes up
Dawn creeps in, shadows step out of hiding
I sit up, not quite sober, in recovery of trying to remember how to forget your name
I sit up, giving myself enough time to adjust my eyes
And in just the right lighting I can see the your tall figure standing in my room looking at pictures I've hung on the wall
The paintings, the posters, the letters
I look at my hands
Shaking, cold, fatigued
Fix my gaze on my veins
This is my skin, not yours, and yet you are still under it
I am unconditionally and eternally entranced by your haunting presence
You are a ghost in the night that watches me sleep
But you are only a figure of dust in the morning
Leaving again