Lately, due to lack of sleep and immense heartache
I have been drinking more coffee
In attempt to avoid dreaming of you because it is so brutal
You are still here with me
Or you are on your way back
But when I wake, you are doing neither of those two things
This is my skin, not yours, and yet you are still under it
I am well aware of the blood running through the tunnels under the sheets of my skin
But I am not sure how they work
And I am not sure of why I still love you after you told me there was nothing left here for me
And yet I keep returning to see if you have changed your mind
You see, my definition of love
Is going back to an abandoned home everyday
And finding vast vacant spaces but still searching every corner, bedroom, kitchen cabinet, for a clue
And though each day, you find nothing
You think that today is going to be the day
That they may have left something behind on where you can find them
But you do not want to be found, you do not need to be
Sometimes, in just the right lighting
I can see the your tall figure standing in my room looking at pictures I've hung on the wall
Sometimes, I spend so long thinking of you
I don't realize that the music has stopped or that the wine is gone or that it's 4am again
How terrible is it that 95% of the ocean is undiscovered and I wish it was like that with you
But I know everything about you
The things that make you cringe, certain noises that make your ribcage shutter
Certain smells that bring back a memory of your grandfather at Christmas
And I am tired of hearing the same song play over again in my head
I am tired of spilling your name out all over my mattress in a drunken sickness in the middle of the night
I am tired of hiding myself behind drunken nights that are as never as fun as they sound
I am so tired
So in essence of oblivion, in grace of all distraught love poems, in complement to the sound of his voice replaying itself on my car radio
I will fix myself one more cup of coffee
Because I just can't bare going to sleep
I can't bare slipping away from reality any more than I already have

I would stop smoking for you

Daydreams have become common occurrences
I am sitting in the driver's seat of my car at a red light when suddenly
A vision of him sitting on his front steps, long legs stretched out and crossed casually at the ankles
Eyes bright and watchful, still piercing even from a distance
His smooth complexion, a reflection of his mother's
He smiled, gentle like a child, playful, toying with my mind like a cat with a ball
He was so beautiful and he didn’t even know it but I did
Snap out of it
I am lying in bed, sheets tucked at my sides, head resting on the edge of my pillow
I look to my left to see an vacant resting place and suddenly
A recurring thought of him there like he once was
Hands tucked just beneath his cheeks
Spread out, stretched wide like a trampoline
I could feel the warmth of his body radiating towards mine
Opening up, chest full while vibrations of giggling humming, rising to the ceiling like steam
The sound reverberated to my ears as if he really were here
Close, next to me curled up like it used to be
Snap out of it
I am in a coffee shot, fumbling through sheets of paper
Scribbling words I won't remember, finished up work I should have done hours ago
I glance up at the empty chair across from me
Suddenly he is there
Laptop open, hiding the writing on his shirt
I could see his collarbones peeking through
He would sigh and look down, grinning
My feet propped under the table onto his thigh
He told me I was distracting him, trying to be quiet about it
Whispering loudly, stop it while laughing through his teeth
Snap out of it
I can't snap out of it
I can't stop the recurring thoughts of you
I had taken you everywhere I love to go and it is hard to find new places in such a small city
I have had to find new music, listen to the scraps of songs I loved years ago before I had known you
Still the lyrics somehow bring me back to you
I can never escape, I am locked in a holding cell and I fear this will be a life sentence
I will tell my children about the boy who convinced me life was all about loving
And then who later made me feel so absent of air
I swallowed the guilt and it weighed down my stomach like a rock
I questioned if I'd tried hard enough
If I had done a little bit more, pushed the boundaries, exposed myself
Stripped down of righteous cause and let you see
I was so in love with you
I still am
Daydreams have become common occurrences
Each one, a little worse than before

As most poems go, there was a boy
Tall, handsome, with a good head on his shoulders
Ambitious yet silly, could make a crying child giggle
He had more light than any cosmo ever to lay a finger on the sky
He was incredible to say the least
And he loved me
Strong like an autumn breeze, pushing leaves off their hinges
Passionate like a kiss between two lovers who meet in an airport after months of being apart
Sweet like a teenage girls coffee
It was the most wonderful love I had ever known
But I was never sure how to return it
I was afraid like a young girl stepping off the bus after running away from home
I was bitter like ice cream melted in the hot sun
Damaged like a cell phone dropped in a river and fetched out
He was trying to ******* to life but I had swallowed so many unspoken words, I was still choking on them
And I loved him
But I was never sure how to show him
Was always trying to think of ways, spent too much time thinking, not enough time acting out
I am sorry to the boy who waited for me, showing me his favorite songs, I'm sorry for not listening to the lyrics close enough, I'm sorry they were about me, I'm sorry I never noticed
I'm sorry
And I could apologize with all the breath left in my lungs and it would still not be enough to make you come back
I've learned that if the universe does not want something to happen it wont
And maybe I just loved you at the wrong time
And maybe I was meant to endure this
I just really don’t want to
The only thing that I am sure I want, deep to the core, is you

When you first told me you didn’t love me anymore
It was more violent than anything I'd ever imagined
My blood turned to ice
Tears stung my eyes
My heart rate quickened, it felt like someone was gripping my spine
The weight of the words hung heavy in the air between us
I was in disbelief that what you had said was real
That you would tell me you were just joking
That a smile would cross your face and you would remind me of the time you once said you'd never leave
You would remind me of how you meant it
When you first told me you didn’t love me anymore
I felt like a piece of wood at the moment an ex strikes
My whole body tried to tear in two different directions
My stomach was lurching as though I had dove into a bottomless pool
It seemed too twisted to be reality
When you first told me you didn’t love me anymore
Everything within me acted on instinct as though my very survival depended on it
I was so angry, I was so vicious
A wounded animal will tear you to pieces if it's ever cornered
The words spilled out of my mouth like peroxide on an open wound
I felt like I had swallowed poison
But too many words were lodged in my throat, restraining the bitter taste inside of my mouth
When you first told me you didn’t love me anymore
The words put an instant chill on my humiliation
Because I told you I loved you
The words fell into my lap like spilled white wine
Wasted, deteriorated
I have never felt so much remorse in my life
When you first told me you didn't love me anymore
It was more violent than anything I'd ever imagined
Still I am in recovery, I fear I will be for a long time

Every day I sit in the place where I fell in love with you and hope you will wander in
Because you know that is where you will find me
In the corner of a coffee shop a few miles from your house
The music playing overhead somehow echoes the sound of our laughter and whispers
Distractions overwhelming, tickling feeling, abrupt jolt of excitement
Love was rushing through my veins like a river after a thunderstorm trying to find a larger body of water to dispose to, I had been searching for you in every alley way, every vacant corner, wall flower wanderer
My mind trails off to the thought of your smile and leaves me curious as to why it did not blind me
It did just the opposite
You helped me to see the best parts of myself that I once despised
Helped me love myself, helped me believe in myself
You were so **** good at making me believe everything you said
But I don’t believe you now
I won't believe you when you tell me that you don’t love me anymore
How can I be forced to believe something I was so sure of
I knew you wouldn't love me forever but I thought you would love me longer than that
And now, every day I sit in the place where I fell in love with you and hope you'll wander in
Because you know that is where you will find me
If you were ever looking