If only I could say this out loud
How our prior affair continues to draw breath in my mind
It is barely survuving and I am aching to restore it
It clings tight to my shoulder
Claws digging into my thin cotton t-shirt
I never imagined I would have to endure this
And here I am in a perpetual state of misery
If only I could say this out loud
How this distance is tearing me to pieces
It's as if I am the bridge and she is the earthquake
Ripping me apart each crumbling rock at a time
I am breaking before I was ever finished being built
If only I could say this out loud
How my chest is always heavy
And my stomach is always tightened
As if sooner or later my body will stop working
Have my organs cave in on themselves
Have my bones snap and you will only blink
If only I could say this out loud
How I love you
I know I shouldn't now
But all I can think about is you
And I cannot bear to say it
Looking at you, I cannot bear to say it
Out loud

You do something to me that is indescribable
The way your voice resonates in my chest
The simple sound of you breathing reminds me that everything is okay
Because if you are alive then I know I am too
The way my thighs unconsciously part just slightly
whenever you are around
It is no longer just my heart that is drawn to you,
It turns out so is my body
The way your touch can take away any discomfort
There is something about you that sweeps a peace over me
Funny to think that I would be empty if you left
And here I am, hollow and vacant
Because you did

And if he says he misses me then maybe we can just start over
Relearn each other's name and how to articulate them to the letter
I will retell you stories of my childhood
and you can laugh like you used to
We can learn how to tangle our bodies together so intricately that this time they will not undo
And I'm not saying that this will work, I know that it probably wont
But logic doesn't mean that I don’t miss you and right now I don’t give a **** what logic has to say
Just tell me you miss me and I swear I'll come running
Tell me you miss me and we can fall all over again

I dreamed that I am stuck in a room with you and her, falling in love over me, letting your amour brush my skin like a knife and I wake up thinking it is just a dream
I know, however, that is isn't
People keep telling me that it will get easier knowing that this is all there is but I can't even get out of bed
My stomach does not ache for nourishment
My limbs grow weaker by the day
I cannot bring myself to the realization that you have left, gone, moved away with no plan to return
Even if a man misses his old home that does not mean
he will move back into it
My room has grown cold from the door always being open
I can hardly sleep because my bed is so empty
I have lost the memory of your body once being there next to me
The outline of your shoulders has faded to grey
I am sorry my love is almost as bad as my memory
I shut you out with a silence that you didn’t understand
Neither did I, you were not alone in the profound confusion
I missed you the second I stepped out of your truck
But I learned it didn't matter the amount of hope I had
I planted hopes all throughout my garden that only
remained lonely seeds
I know that this doesn’t make any sense
I know that we may never love again
But that does not keep me from holding on to the sleeve
of December
I wish I could tell you why my grip is so tight on it
But I can't
In fact there are a lot of things I can't tell you
A lot of things I wish I could
I only write them down
In hopes that you will read them

When he says that he no longer wonders what your lips taste like
A light switch will go off in your chest
A firecracker, time bomb, grenade, explosion, beating of drums
Drop the ball in your throat, feel it sink down into your stomach
You will appear to be quiet on the outside
Your ribs will break one by one and shards are going to crumble into each other like buildings falling to the ground
You will have to hold yourself in your own arms
You will howl and collapse like a dying star and remember that he was the Earth and you will continue to heave even after your body can no longer produce salt water tears
You will remember things more vividly now
The way he looked at you when you were singing in the car
The way he pulled you in when you tried to move away
The grip of the handle as he opened the car door
The way his lips felt on your neck
You are going to remember the temperature of standing in the road, you are going to remember the embrace, you will remember looking up at him
You will remember it all as if it is a movie playing in your brain
You will remember how he slowly glanced at the world
You wonder if eye contact would ever break
When he says that he no longer wonders what your lips taste like
Tell him that you no longer wonder either
Tell him this even though you do

I wonder if he misses me
I know it sounds insane because she exists
But I wonder if at night he is somehow reminded of us
The way we lingered over one another
The sweet torture for both of us
The way we wrapped up like tying a knot at boy scouts
I wonder if he has rid the remnants of our love
Or if they are held holy to his left side

I will swallow poison before I admit that I miss you
Though it is a woeful truth
I cannot bear to say it out loud
I think back on the time you once said you loved me but came to later find I was far too heavy to keep carrying in your pocket
I did not fit as well as I should have
I still do not understand the way you think
But I hope you think of me often
Remind yourself of our song we listened to on repeat
Ponder on the feeling of my fingers sliding into yours
Funny how easy it was for them to slide away
A light breeze could separate them
Lately I have been bending my fingers backwards until they break because I am slowly realizing I am incapable of holding on to things anyways
I swore I would still be standing by your side right about now but something happened somewhere along the way and I watched those plans disintegrate in the palm of these fragile hands
I will not admit that I miss you, though I dreadfully do
What I fear most however,
Is that you will wake up in the middle of the night missing me
And it will be far too late