Today you will wake up anxious
Roll out of bed a little more gracious than usual
Stretch your back, pull your shoulders back
Take in a deep breath, exhale and smile
Check your phone to see if she has left you a message
You think of how she will look tonight
Double check to make sure the reservations are still intact
Make sure that everything will go as planned
But then again, even if it doesn’t, you will still be with her
Today you will avoid me
It will be different from the rest of the week
You will be too busy preparing to reply
Your mind will wander towards an image of her
You know she will look better dressed up than I ever did
Today you will put on a button up shirt
Tuck it in your slacks
Wash your face, look in the mirror and grin
You cannot wait to see her
Today you will put on a tie
And will be sure it is the perfect length
You will make sure it is not too tight
Make sure she can get if off if needed
Today you will go out
Dance the night away with her hand in yours
You will be nervous the whole time
Because you don’t want to mess up
But even in the midst of your anxiety
She has an aroma of peace about her that can always calm you
She is better than I ever was to you
Today the universe is reminding me that you are a love I have long lost
She will look in the mirror, smile in practice for pictures
I cannot look in a mirror anymore  because all I see are the parts of myself that you got sick of looking at
My sober mind blushes at the thought of you dressed up
But I cringe at the thought of you kissing her
I wish you a safe night, fun, exciting
Be careful, and I will try to be careful too
For my night will be much more dangerous
Locked away in the confines of this unusually cold bed

A whisper punches you face
You never imagined something so utterly transparent would hurt so much, he says,
"I've moved on," and the words slip off his tongue like your feet beneath you as you're standing on the ledge of a building

I dreamed that you would answer when I called
We would talk for hours like we used to
You would insist we meet in person
I would agree without hesitation
I dreamed that you would open when I knocked
Wouldn't even check to see who it was
You knew that it was me, you did not care to see me through glass
The door would swing wide and we would embrace
Lips locking, I dreamed they would, they never did
I dreamed that you would give when I asked
You wouldn't even have to look
You knew exactly where you placed it
You knew you were soon going to give it away
But love was always a hard thing to find
And lips were so much farther than they seemed
I could feel your breath touch my mouth and so could you mine
A phone call often goes to voicemail when someone doesn’t want to pick up, when someone is busy, when someone doesn’t want to talk
I dreamed that this would be a lot easier
I am still dreaming, sometimes about you
But most of the time, about us

Addiction is seeking comfort in that which is destroying you
I have found I am addicted to loving you even though you are gone
I find myself craving your attention and my mind is begging me to avoid you
Because it knows better than my heart does
I fall for the simplicity in our text messages
The soft comments and compliments that are so friendly
You know how frail and thin my skin is,
How do you expect your words to not cut right through it
We joke and kid and laugh and seriousness will creep in but never for too long
I cannot describe my feelings the day after a rainstorm or how I feel when the sun sets early in the winter
And I cannot describe my feeling when I am talking to you
It is something sweet, like it is getting better
I am blossoming but this rain on some days is far too heavy
On some days it hurts me and you do not even notice
In this story you are the one who moves on and finds a girl who doesn’t write her thoughts onto paper instead of admitting she has them
I am the girl who's hand is always numb do to the constant writing about the one who has moved on to something better
I am sorry I could not love you like I wanted to
I am dealing with the consequences of letting you go
And this addiction to you is killing me
I have done real drugs and smoked and drank and I know what it is like to crave something every waking minute of the day yet with you
I have never been more afraid
Of overdose

They told me I was humble
Showing a modest or low estimate of my own importance
Having a tendency to decrease my dignity under others
They were telling the truth
My stature of one not as a boulder but a pebble
I am smaller to others, crushed underneath
They tell me it is a good thing
To place others above myself so I do not conquer them
Pushing them up even if I am falling
Unprivileged behind those who need love more than I do
It is selfish to not be humble
They tell me that I am
I wonder if that means I am weak
Or if that means I am strong

Her head bobs along to a song you can't hear and you wonder what she sings in the showers these days
She used to joke saying that singing wasn't her forte but you always loved the sound of her Sunday morning humming
You wonder who listens to her talk about the stars at night or who carries her home when she's drunk
She used to ramble on about her future and smile when she was upset
In her vulnerable times she put periods at the ends of her sentences
You wonder if anyone notices now the stress behind her proper grammar
She reminds you of the way the mountains change colors when the sun goes down, only lasting a few seconds and barely long enough to photograph
Her love did not last very long in one piece
It carried on when she left but you never knew about it, did you?
When she walked out it was like a tornado in your mind finally hit you and knocked you off your feet
The ground was a lot closer than you thought it was
Love will do that to you
Her hands grip her blue jeans and she keeps her head down when you pick here up, not so much a white horse just a white car
She is the poem everyone feels they should reread
And you have, you have read through her often
Memorized the lines like it was a monologue you had to preform
You wonder if she misses you
You wonder if she still listens to your favorite song
You wonder if she knows that you still listen to hers

Your first love gets you raw, open, and naïve
Your first love sits with you until you head finds a home in the crevice between their neck and shoulder and you want to stay, more than anything, you want to stay
Your first love carries you to the car because your feet hurt
Your first love will dig up the secrets you kept buried, your first love wants to know it all
Your first love will listen you’re your favorite song in place of their
Your first love will levitate your well-being, make you float and flutter
Your first love will tell you that you won't fall
Your first love will introduce you to heartache, loneliness, what goodbye feels like
Your first love makes breaking an arm sound like a walk in the park
Your first love is the one that you convince yourself that you are over but you never really are
Your first love promises they won't forget you and you believe them until you see them kissing someone else