I once told the story
Of the little boy much too big to be called little
Who would stand over his parent's bed
When his father had nightmares
And would put his pudgy hands on his father's chest and say
"But I love you, but I love you, but I love you"
I once told the story
Of the young adolescent boy
Who watched his older brother give his life to drugs
Watched him be dragged away to penitentiary
But he would still call out
"But I love you, but I love you, but I love you"
I once told the story
Of the teenage boy
Who had been told that his sister had been *****
Who held her in his arms weeping
And he whispered to her
"But I love you, but I love you, but I love you"
I once told the story
Of the lonely young man
Who was surrounded by people
He couldn't bring himself to smile
He felt that all the joy had been ripped from him
Because it had been all his life
But he sat on his knees and cried out to his god
"But I love you, but I love you, but I love you"
But today
I now tell the story
Of a man no longer plagued by his past
Living the life he has always deserved
And I stand before him today
And watch his marry his soul mate
The man who always loved finally had love for himself
And he says his vows with excitement and vigor
Saying
"Because I love her, because I love her, because I love her"

Envision this. You are older now, face wilted but still beautiful as it was fifty years ago. Your walking stick has become your lifetime apprentice and recollections flutter around in your head like the butterflies that once resided in your stomach. Most days you cannot remember what you like in your coffee or what you'll have for dinner. Some day's it is harder to breathe than most and on occasion you have to sit because standing becomes too much of a chore. You realize how true it is that you never do forget the people you loved when you were younger. You may not remember breakfast or yesterday's weather but you remember the fifty year old summer breeze and complaining about her hair in your face. "I wonder if she's happy," you say, and people mistake it for mindless rambling. "I hope she found what she was looking for."

The subway stairs will trip you up, make you slip, make you fall
They will hold you hostage, hold you close
Brush against their hand rails, let the feeling of other hands rub off on your palms
Sweat will gather on your back as you walk further down
It is too cold out and too hot down
Body heat radiates off of children and their mothers
You feel the gust of wind hit your body like a preachers knees hitting the floor
When the subway arrives, it is submitting to the sound of its breaks
It is telling you to stop where you are and fall into me
The doors open wide
They remind you of your mothers open arms
You step inside checking to see if you are going in the right direction
It never hurts to look twice
The subway trains will trip you up, break you down, make you weak
You will look and see quiet people, there are far too little people laughing
You wonder if it is the cold weather
You wonder if it would be better if it weren't so cold out

You can't know how this works unless you've lived it
People can throw out advice like colorful beads at Mardi Gras
But they will evidently always end up stored away
Somewhere they will not be used
Though that are beautiful and desired on some days
I do not wear them as jewelry
I have discovered that loving someone is not black or white
There is grey area everywhere you turn
You start to wonder if you wasted the colors by mixing them
There is no poetic way of putting it
When you love someone and they do not love you in return
It is only a slippery ***** of constant down fall
You often hit rocks and edges
But never hit the ground
There is an adrenaline to it
Falling through the air, bruising your shoulders
The air in times like this is a precious poison
I try not to breathe too quickly
Often hold my breath when you are in the room
I am sorry you cannot hear me when I am talking
It is only because I have found this love
More comfortable
Under my breath

I return home in a gaze
And I think back on
The way he holds the steering wheel
Arm stretched out like a bridge reaching for direction
I think back on
The way he turned and looked at me
In effort to explore the decaying garden in my head
My body was aching to touch his
My mind knew better to keep my head down
I think back on
His smile that lit up the dark insides of the car
I know that it has been said time and time again
But man, if only you could see his
It would change your whole perspective on what light truly looks like
I think back on
The road in front of us
The sound of the engine humming in my ears
The distant melody of his breathing
I know that this sounds insane
But sometimes going insane is the best way to love
I think back on
His eyes, like a car crash
I know I should look away by I cannot bring myself to do so
I wonder if you see disaster in me as well
My heart beat turns pouring rain in my chest
I never did appreciate looking into them everyday
Now your eyes are a precious sight, an infrequent gift
I will try not to take them for granted
I think back on
Us, you and I, together
I am not as capable as I once was when I had you
I find myself aching for the sunlight in your arms
My love for you now is like an apartment I cannot afford
A love that will take you down
There is not a day that goes by where I do not question myself in the name of you
I swear if we love again, I will love you right
Though that is deemed on the brink of impossible
I will never lose hope
Real love never truly does

Lately I have been searching for inspiration
Waiting patiently in the corner of my bedroom
I trail the walls, paint them different color in my mind
Wonder if I can write about change
I stand back in Times Square
Gaze at the lights, follow the people, count their footsteps
I wonder if I can write about the city
Then I find myself checking my phone
Email overflowing, social media always the same
And your name
I wonder if I can write about you
And I can, but I know it is only empty words
Because I know you won't read them

We tip toe on silent words
And I wonder if you hear me crying out to you
Underneath the casualty of our conversation
I do my best to always swallow back the words
That get stuck in my throat
I suppose there is a reason why they won’t come out
I think of you kissing her
Writing songs on her collarbones as you progress the anticipation
The way she blossoms under your rain
She was much more lenient with her lips than I was
I am sorry that this love continues to live under my breath
It is the one battle where my armor is too heavy to even lift off the ground
My arms have grown weak from pushing you away
I find myself now, trying to pull you in
But you aren’t there
And I wonder if maybe I were stronger
I wonder if you would be