Loving you is like explaining where we store and access our memories
Like trying to describe what water tastes like or the color of a mirror
It doesn’t make any sense at all, it is difficult to decipher
Collectively bleeding from imaginary cuts that you do not even know that you gave me, you thought you did nothing wrong
Brushed away the uncomfortable silence on the car ride home
Listened to the humming of your engine as if it could drown out the sound of my heartbeat that quickened at every red light
I am not strong
I am all bark and only bite on accident
I cannot fight back because I am afraid you will abandon me as if you haven't already, I am trying to convince myself that you are still here
Is bravery supposed to feel like you guts trying to slide out of your fingertips
I am so scared to talk to you because I worry you will mistake my name with hers, I am worried you will do it on purpose
It is hard to speak confessions in other accents
So why am I trying to tell you I love you in her voice
I will stop bringing your name up in cups of coffee
Pour in the sugar, let it taste too sweet I will cringe at the bitter aftertaste
I know that this is not going to make me feel any better
I am pacing my steps trying to get away
Will not stop running until I stumble
My legs are crumbling beneath me it reminds me of your walk
How your knees grow weak at the sight of her
I am sorry I am not her kind of beautiful
Forgive me for loving you despite your love for her
And I will try to forgive myself for the same

Some advice I should have given myself before I loved you
1.) He will sound like he means it and it is everything that you want to hear, do not mistake misguided desperation for affection as truth.
2.) Love is stronger than pride and if he does not treat you like the brightest star he has ever seen he is not the right one.
3.) This world is like sugar, it may crumble easily beneath you but do not be afraid to taste it, do not confuse it with salt.
4.) In life, if you love someone, you will do anything you can to keep it but you cannot take someone's heart and enslave it. Love is a ***** game but it is not love when it is forceful.
5.) Your eyes have seen more than his take time do notice, be careful with those who do not recognize detail in little conversations.
6.) Before you give yourself away to someone, make sure that they will take care of you. You are fragile and need all the passion that the waves have for the ocean shore. Someone who will be able to describe the color of your eyes to a room full of blind people. You deserve so much more than you think you do.
7.) Do not confuse a spark for love. Love is supposed to feel like igniting a firework that never ends. Do not mistake love for infatuation.

You are the sound of church bells on Sunday morning
You are spilled sunlight and soft mouth
You are boy with a waterfall smile
You are masterpiece I hope to paint on day
You are the extra mile, the giver, the compassion
You are drugs cleverly disguised as a boy
You will be my first home, the song I listen for at sunrise, the first place that I will be content to dwell in

I am waiting for a love worth holding on to
Each tick of the clock reverberates throughout my body
I often try to convince myself that I can find love on my own if I look hard enough
But real love is the kind that you do not have to search for
I have learned that scrounging up what looks good enough
Will only teach you that you should not build a house out of scraps
Sometimes I try to color myself different shades to fit into someone else's art work, sometimes I forget about my own color
Because we all want to be what everyone wants
But we end up wanting everyone and not knowing our own name
So I have decided I am waiting
Patience falters every now and then
But I know someone will see constellations in my birthmarks soon enough so until then I promise to do my best in not painting over them
I will find myself in my abstinence, regain all of my strength that I gave away in beds that are not mine
I know that eventually  someone will notice that light on my skin even if it does not shine that bright to some
A light is still a light no matter how brilliant it may look
This will not be an easy journey for me
I tend to hold my heart out in my hand and anyone who reaches to grab it, takes it, I hardly ever put up a fight
I love too easily for someone who wants to wait but I do
I have sat by too many telephone, received no phone calls, resulting in too many damp pillows and tears stains on the sheets of paper that I write about those whom I love on
I am waiting for someone who will fill me with joy more than they put me in agony
I am waiting for someone who will kiss me and not taste past lovers on their tongue, someone who will not be able to kiss me without smiling
Someone who will love me when I am a still day
Someone who will love me when I am a hurricane
I know that uncertainties are abound in life
And I know that this waiting may never truly end
Though while I am here, loving myself in this isolation I will think of how I will love you, the man whom I know is out there somewhere
Perhaps he too, is waiting for me

I thought I was over you
Thought I let your name go out the window
Watched it disappear in the rearview mirror clouded with dust
But I've learned that when love leaves it does not always she the shotgun door on its way out
I have been trying to tell myself that the door was closed
By refusing to look at it
I haven't quite figured out how to love you  out of paper yet
Only because words spoken out loud can easily be mistaken as lies
My voice is like a volcanic box of chatter
I'm equivalent to spontaneous combustion
Spilling words onto this paper like smooth run cold conversations and blocks of ice in slow motion
I wonder if I miss you only because I cannot have you anymore
You have filled something in me that is still full even though you are gone
I know that this is ludicrous to feel all this after one day of seeing you
But there is something that triggers in my ribcage
With face to face contact
I am sorry for letting my love for you spill onto the floor
It never belonged there
I thought I was over you, I really did
But frankly, I am not

The most horrifying thing
I have ever discovered
is that the way he feels about her
is the same way I feel about him

I had a dream
that your love for me was deemed authentic
it was suddenly real and possible
I watched your affection for her fade like a summer sunset
when the day was feeling too long
We yearned for stars but were only fed clouds
I had a dream
that my feet did not trip over themselves at the sound of her name
because it was followed by the sound of mine
leaping up above it
I had a dream
that your hands opened up, fingers intertwining with mine
letting not even the evening breeze separate this immaculate fantasy
I had a dream
that you held me like the hemming in a backyard hammock
the crackling of a forest fires romance
the peak of midnight hit my body
like a hammer hitting a nail
with no intention to hit it again
I know that this was only a dream
because reality was standing in my doorway this morning
looking me in the face
I had a dream that you loved me
But I woke up knowing that you stilled loved her