When they asked me if I loved you
I could feel a hole forming in my chest
My heart was digging to the bottom of my ribcage
So they it wouldn't spill all of its secrets
I imagine the word "yes" flowing from my body
Like water pouring from my lips
When they asked me if I loved you
My jaw crumbled like wet sand
My tongue and breath did not remember
How to work together in order to form words
I did not know how to lie to them
It's like I can feel my teeth begin to decay
When you acidic name slips through them
When they asked me if I loved you
I hope they would try to tuck the question back into their pocket
Maybe if I stayed quiet long enough they would
The uncomfortable silence was beginning to be noticeable
I never meant for this to sound so much like shot gun
When they asked me if I loved you
I could feel the pressure against the walls
The flood was far to overbearing
I will love you until I don't anymore
When they asked me if I loved you
I told them that I didn't
Simply because I find it useless to soak
A bath of room temperature love
When you mix hot with cold
The climate is never pleasing
I have learned
That when someone asks me if I love you
To always say no
Just to resist the risk of the words traveling to your ears
I cannot bear for you to know that I still love you
Even though you have left
You have filled something in me that is still full
Even though you are not here anymore
When they asked me if I loved you
I responded calmly
Acted as if it was a punchline I saw coming
Acted as if it wasn’t breaking my spirit in two
Acted as if I was fine with answering
"No."

They say to
write what you know
but I'm just so
sick of
tragedies

I hate you for looking away every time I look at you
As if seeing my face brought enough guilt to turn your head
Your neck was never stronger than your mind
I know that I am not as beautiful as she is but you can at least treat me like I am still a person
I am still a person
Despite my hallow chest that has been swallowed by the authority I have given to men who seemed trustworthy enough
My heart is a stone, it is hard and dry, desperate for recovery
I cannot handle such pain on a daily basis
I hope that you do not look at me anymore
Because it is only adding hope to my absolute oblivion
I hate you for looking away every time I look at you
Do not look at me at all
If you are only doing to drift your head to another disposition once I recognize it
And decide to look back

The backyard fence stares me in the face
Pushing each splinter into my hands
I read its cracks like my grandmother's favorite novels
I want to see each footnote that was left there for someone else
The worlds "a wall never stopped anyone"
Are carved into the third post
I look down at my hands
They are shaking with blood and I cannot wipe them off
For the fear that these splinters will seep deeper into my skin
My life holds an uncertainty to it
Grips every piece of lust in its hands
Pulls it in, through my rip cage
Does not care if it cracks on its way inside
Anyone would drive through a locked gate
If something that they needed was behind it
I try to lie to myself often
Convince myself that this is only a little set back
That everything will be okay eventually
But I have found that repeating these words after every falter
Is getting very old
It only seems to get worse
I was told once that God does not show you the whole staircase
Only the first step
And I am trying to live by this
Trying to take one step at a time
But I have been climbing for years and I feel it decaying beneath me
I am only waiting for the tipping of the cup
A feather can break a bridge if it has endure enough
The backyard fence stares me in the face
I realize that I have not done anything in my life
Worth telling stories about
But I want to oh so badly
I want to leave this world with a backpack
One that carries every memento, every scrapbook, picture frame
I want to show my grandchildren the novels I have written
For them to read, see the footnotes
As if they had written them
Themselves

Guard your heart
Be careful who you love
We walk into infatuation like it is something playful and lovely
And at first it really is
But be careful on the second step
You will trust their hands
Fingers playing with one another as if the sweat between them will for some sort of prayer
For every finger that we let loosen, another knuckle grows back crooked
Do not hold his hand for too long
When water starts to gather in your palms, let go
Wipe them on your jeans, put your hands in your pockets
Be careful on the third step
They will show you how to swim and then throw you in the deep end
You will have no warning, nothing to catch you but the pool floor
They will smile at you from the top
Do not hold your breath
Let the air clear from your lungs
Vacancy was always something you were accustomed to
Sink to the bottom, memorize the feeling, the texture of the ground
When your lungs start to fill with water, swim to the top
Your hear will race but fall at the same time when you see him with someone else, do not let it take you
Do not let it take you
Guard your heart for the next time

Do not confuse hands for a safety net
You will trust that the fun is worth the fall
Will trust that the holes are small enough to still catch you
Will trust that you won't slip right through them
Will trust that it is a sturdy landing to sink into
Will trust that they love you just as much as you love them
But despite everything that will decieve you
Despite the amount of confidence you have in someone who looks so sweet do not mistake the first bite for the bitter aftertaste that follows
Do not confuse hands for a safety net
Because they are not
They are only hands

I have noticed that you only pay attention to me on the days that she pays none to you
On the days when you are craving affection from anyone who will deliver it to you in the worst way
When she cannot follow through with the promises she tells you on the nights that she feels like it
I hate myself for still loving you on the same days that she does
The days where you are glued to her side simply because she will let you
You told me, "You are everything I want in a girl, but I still love someone else"
I am learning that even though I may love on the same day she chooses to, I will not succumb to your beckoning call anymore
I know that I am only mimicking you answering to her
I am working on getting strong enough to press decline
So the next time you call me, I will pick up the phone
Hold it in my hand, feel the humming vibration reverberate throughout my body, down my spine
I will let it go to voicemail
Because there is no use in letting someone drink the rest of your water
When they are on the brink of dying from dehydration anyways