It was just a drunk kiss

Days like today make me reminisce
On the times where everything was simpler
When boys were only like bees that we chased on the playground
Not the sweet honey that we now crave, risking the sting for the little bit of sweetness that never lasts too long
The times when lunch was a sandwich and juice instead of cigarettes and cheap ***** that doesn't even burn going down anymore because you are so numb
I have been thinking about the days before these
When the world revolved around being happy instead of the constant stress of trying not to feel anything anymore
I still dream of the days when I did not love you
Days when you were not my constant thought
Days when I could go about my day and not worry about you at all
Days unlike today

Carefully disposing of things that do not hold close to me in winter weather
Slipping like ice through fingertips
Too cold to remain in one place
I am sorry that you cannot hold a grip on me
And that I tend to fall out of your hands more than I probably should
This is not an easy battle for any of us
In every war, both sides will always experience downfalls
There is never a triumph without there first being a failure
I do not remember how I started this
I do not remember the day my heart clenched on to yours at all
And I'm sorry that my heart is uncertain of its disposition around you now
My mind is drifting from the shore like a child lost at sea and I am trusting it's going to be alright sooner or later
Hoping that God doesn't disappoint me
I am not sure of most things to be completely honest
And to be blunt, I am not sure of you at all
And frankly that is all I am sure off
And for that I am sorry
Ice was never meant to be warm
Ice has always been cold
And always will be

I have finally brought myself to smile
Even if it is only in a numb form
Intoxicated, high, anything to get you out
And I only hope now that you are still reading my poems
I hope that you see what is behind these drawn shades
I hope that you can almost hear me weeping
I hope that you do not call me
Because I don't want your sympathy
I don't want you to feel bad for me and call me
Only because you don't want me to feel this way
I hope, if you ever do, that you call me
Out of sincere curiosity to how I've been doing
Acting as if you don't already know
Sitting with one hand grasping your cell phone
And the other, scrolling through my poetry page
And I will tell you "I'm making it"
That's all I can say, if you want me to be honest
Because I am
Sure, it's hard and each day it feels like a rubber band
I am pulling myself away, hoping that it will shoot me back to you before it snaps
But I am making it, none the less
Tonight, I will probably go and get drunk
Erasing you from my mind for a few hours
And I ******* hope you call me while I am intoxicated
So that I can answer and smile
Really smile, not because you called me, but because when you did, I didn't have to worry about anything
You are just another contact in my phone
And one day, that is all you will be
Drunk or sober
You will just be another person who calls

As I sit here, letting my tears race to the bottom of my chin, down my neck, swept up by my cold, shaking fingers
I sit here and wonder if this pain is sitting with you too
Are enveloped in a state of regret and guilt?
Do you feel anything at all?
There is a constant, reoccurring thought
"I am the one who did this to us"
I forget to brush away the flooding salt water from my eyes, noticing they have reached my collar
They sit there, slowing evaporating
The others escaping from my eyes making new traces on my cheeks
Before you, I would have held my breath and suffocated, choking on these shining crystals of pure sadness before I would ever let them plumage down my face
You opened up a doorway that I cannot shut on my own, not that you would ever help me anyways
This is the only language I speak to you
This silent language of grief
I am fluent in these words, distracting me from every other beautiful thing in my life
I hate you for pushing them out of the spotlight so that you could shine in their place, only in a dimmer form
Almost translucent
You are a cheap magic trick
Walking out of a trap door that I never noticed
Because I was too drawn to you
And I find myself sitting here, hating myself for it

Recently I have been reading a book
It is about two people falling in love
In the worst way
They are playful and beautiful
They are simple and extravangtly in love
Although, neither say it until they break up
This book reminded me a lot of us
We were playful
We were so beautiful
We both tried so hard to impress each other
But there is something different about us
When she leaves, he tries everything he can
To get her back to him
Building bridges, sending flowers, showing compassion
Endeavoring with everything in him to show
There was a love there, if you looked close enough
When I left
You drew yourself away from me
And as much as I hated it
I tried to get you back
But you said no
And I sit in this imaginary story
about two people who couldn't make it work
Reading about how he tried
But thinking only about how you didn't

After it all
I can really only think of one thing
You didn't fight for me
You said that there was nothing left for you to say to me
You didn't fight
You laid down your weapon
And watching me walk away
I would have preferred a bullet in my back
Than something as tragic as pain
With no wound to show for it