I wrote a poem once
My Honestly Poem (Revised)
It had a line in it that said
"I am still mixing colors, trying to find one that best fits me when I am around you
When I make this discovery
You will be the first person I call"
I ended it with two words
"I promise"
So, I intend to tell you what those colors are
They start with white
As every new canvas does
White like the color of your truck
White like sugar I put in my coffee on our first date
Downtown, PJ's coffee, you were just as sweet as that spelda, sweeter even
White like the frozen yogurt we got when we first really hung out
White like the white out I am using to cover all of the mistakes we made
Then a pinch of orange
Like the flower we stole off of a table sitting outside of Subway downtown
Like the sunset we watched on the Levi
Like the start of our pumpkin cake that I almost royally destroyed
Or like my Christmas gift, my bear who's name is Barry if you ever did wonder, like The Country Bears
Then dipped in dark red
Like the jacket I wore on our first date
Or the pants I wore on our second
Or like the plastered walls in BJ's
Or the color of your tie and my corsage at Homecoming
Then sweet, dark blue
Like the backdrop for stars that sat in the sky,
the sky we gazed at countless times
Like my blue jeans that you helped me buy
Like the color on your watch
Next, black of course
Like most of the clothes I wore
Like the majority of our attire at homecoming
Like the center of your eyes surrounded by pools of
Green
Greek like the grass we walked over
Green like the grass on the other side
I am still deciding which is greener
Green like your eyes
I know I've said it already
but I cannot seem to remove your eyes from my memory
Even after the green Starbucks where we ended it
Green was always there
Then the slightest pinch of purple
Like the color of my curtains
Like the color of my bed
The one we would lay in together and even though it was tormentingly hot we couldn't help but be close to each other
Then I realized, after all of this painting
I don't have a color after all
Mixed together
In technical terms some would say it was black
Those who have achromatopsia
Would say it was more like black and white or grey
But I wouldn't
Our love was as colorful as ever
It was gaudy and vibrant
It was brilliant, just as we were brilliant
So in conclusion, I call it opalescent
It reflects different colors in different light
We reflect different colors in different light
But in every light, we are beautiful
I'm sorry that hardly any light shines on us anymore
I hope one day it will
I hope it will shine as bright as ever
And maybe we can start back at white
As every new canvas does

I sit in a chair we once sat in together gripping the last pieces of our love in the palm of my hand
We slipped away like leaves on the side of the road
Too many others were flying past, pushing us into oblivion
We sat almost too calmly, rewriting the next chapters
Whiting them all out like mistakes we loved making
Starting on a new page would take away the memories
We brushed away the words like ashes that fell into our laps,
like spilled white whine
We did not believe the words
until we felt the dampness seeping into our jeans
I will never forget you
One thing is for sure, that even though one day I will be happy again and carefree and no longer crying over you
I will always remember your laugh
The way it slipped out, the way you lit up
I will always remember your eyes
The way they lit up like the stars we used to gaze at together
The way they smiled,
And the way they cried
I will always remember the way you held me like losing me was not an option
I am sorry that it crept in anyways
I sit in this chair, holding on to these pieces like you used to hold onto me, I am afraid that it is time to let these go too

I love everything that you do not love about yourself

We are critical.

We find flaws in
everything we see
because nobody
wants to write
about perfection,
even though sometimes
we wish we could just stay
staring into that
unblemished surface.

2. We are never satisfied.

We live our lives upon
mountains of
scrunched up
bits of refill and
ideas we gave up
trying to
express.

3. We never forget.

We write words about
eye contact made
three months ago
that we replay over
and over in our minds
even though it
stopped
being relevant.

4. We are fickle.**

Our emotions flash
from one
to the other
like strobe lighting that
disorientates us
until we feel as if
the world
will never be still.

5. We are exposed.

We don't know how
to keep our feelings
to ourselves so
we'll write them
down for
you to find
'accidentally'.

6. We are vulnerable.

We wear our
hearts on our sleeves
and won't lift a
muscle to fight back
if somebody tries
to break it
because we thrive
from the pain.

7. We will never stop.

We will never stop
feeling and
we will never stop
hurting,
we will never stop
breaking and
bleeding and
loving
even though the cycle
is endless
and we know what's
coming next.


We are addicted
to agony,
but we agonise
for the art.

I want a bookshelf
And an intimately lit living room
And as my husband and I clean the kitchen after all of those who have gathered to share fellowship have left, as we are cleaning the mess
He will stop me and we will dance in the light coming in from the room next to us
We will sway back and forth and listen to the music that isn't playing
Because we never needed an audible reason for us to be this close
As we finish off the kitchen, we will move to the living room
Folding blankets, turning off the tv, and grabbing a book
We will sit down and read
Enter our own little word's of literature while still holding hands
Pulling them all together into one fantasy
One of us will look at the clock and realize how late it is
We will mark our page and you will tell me I am beautiful
As we walk to our bedroom and turn off the hallway light
I will look up and smile at you
Because there is no greater feeling than sharing love with another person
We will crawl into bed and you will whisper into my ear that you love me
and I will say it back
and I will mean it
Because I do love you
I may not know you yet, but until we meet
I will be collecting books to place on our bookshelf
I hope you are doing the same

We all walk around
Like we have so long
Until we reach the end of our lives
Fooling ourselves each morning
"You are not going to die today, you
have a long while before that happens"
So we go about our days
Living as if we have so much longer
Too afraid to tell the truth
We waste each day if we do not live
As if we are dying
Because we are.