In life we all want to be remembered as something great
To have someone look up to you
To have someone be to proud of you
And lately I've come to the sad conclusion
That no one sees me as something special
The feeling of knowing that you've ****** up
And there's no turning back
Knowing you could've been so much better than this
Knowing you could've really made people happy
Just by saying no to certain things
But when you reach the brink of temptation
You say yes without realizing the devastation
Without even seeing the danger
And one day you wake up as just another one
Just another person who didn’t listen to the advice
We were all told as a child
Never thinking this would ever happen
But here we are
Just another **** up
That's all I am

I think it is hard to define true pain
We all have those bad days
We all have those bad nights
We all feel pain but in what context is it real
In moments when you feel hopeless
Those who you hope will comfort you
Will come up with excuses
Will say that others have it worse
Will tell you it's not that big of a deal
When you go to the doctor for pain
They will ask you to measure it
On a scale of 1 to 10
That is considered normal and necessary
We are told that tears are only salt water rivers
That will flow and drown your skin
But they will dry
Letting the crystal evaporate into the sunlight that makes everything better in the morning
Tears are no small thing to me
I believe that if something aches you enough
That your eyes produce water to show this
That your body knows that you cannot stand the dry desserts, you have to drown sometimes
In everything, we are told that it's not as bad as we think
That we should see what other people are going through
I do believe that their pain is real
But I do not believe that mine is meaningless
I still feel just as they do
My body does not listen to these excuses
I cannot train myself to always be happy
Because I am so lucky
I know that I am so lucky
And I am thankful
But my pain still matters
I am stuck giving myself scars by ripping it from my veins
But I am not going to keep my pain in a box
Do not tell me that this pain is only an advocate for attention
We've all paid the toll in exchange for rites of passage
Maybe I am misunderstanding the meaning of pain
But I believe all pain is real
If you feel it, it has to be there
Pain demands to be felt
So feel it

Understanding what we feel
Is so difficult
And other people asking
Assume that it is so easy to decipher
When in reality,
Words will never be enough
To truly describe the maze-like riddles
Going on in your head

An endless amount of wanting to see you wanting to be with you all of the time but an endless amount of fear to tell you because I do not want you to see me in need
I want to be able to stand by myself with you in the other room
I have to be prepared if you ever decide that you have gotten sick of me
If you ever decide to walk away
I don’t know how to even consider the thought of you leaving because I have wrapped myself up in our movie days
I have become too accustomed to our Wednesdays
I have gotten so lost in this peace that you bring, that the mere idea of you taking it away is frightening
There is an endless amount of wanting to see you and wanting to be with you all of the time and I do want to tell you
And I am working to get to the point where I do
You will know when and
I pray it is soon
because I've learned that in asking comes receiving
And confession brings good things
So maybe, when I tell you
You will agree
And I will spend less time missing you
And more time being with you

My addiction to you
You say, at least
Is small
That it is a mere grain of sand
But what you do not understand
To me
It is a mountain
It keeps me awake at night because
I feel I am hurting you
I'm sorry if I am
And you secrete it behind smiles
And jokes
My addiction is strong
And I do not know how to loosen my grip
And for that I am so sorry

One.
If I could
I would wash my skin in the endless sunrays
that your hellos bring
I would open the window to this cold bedroom
And let in the November wind to blow out all of the candles keeping us in dim light
So that you couldn't find your way out to leave
Two.
Lay me down
Tuck yourself in next to me
So that not even cold weather
Could take away from the warmth
That you bring
No heater or blanket could ever
Keep me like you can
Three.
I have found myself missing you
But being too afraid to say so
Four.
I am so scared to lose you
So scared to be another hit and run
Do not leave in the wreckage
My insurance does not provide for this
Destruction any more
I have grown tired of this too
Five.
You see, once enough pain happens
You tend to try and be careful
To have the eye of the tiger
And avoid future wounds
But you came in like my best friend
Do not leave as an enemy
Six.
I am sorry that I cannot help but smile
Whenever I look at you
But you are so beautiful
And I am so lucky
And when such a treasure is in my line of sight
I cannot help but marvel at it
Seven.
I am also sorry that I am so fragile
You call me beautiful
And all I see is a glass vase with seemingly
Beautiful flowers in it
But everyone else is unaware
Of what is holding them
We look only at the beauty of the color
And not the clear fragility that keeps them alive
Eight.
I will cross my fingers
Until the bones splinter at the bases of my wrist
And hope that as my heart runs away with me
That you are willing to come along
Nine.
I am learning to take risks
And not look down
Only at you
Ten.**
I falling for you hard
Hoping that your hands will be my safety net
Loving you takes a little more work than you planned
But I have learned that things that take work
Are the only things that are really worth something

Opening windows to let in the air that we never thought we would need to enter because our lungs
could surely sustain us from the wind but not from this
This storm that has occurred took me by surprise
and I am not able to sustain myself
I have been learning to stand up straight without anyone else's help but lately I have found myself falling a lot
My hands are always shaking
My knees tremble because they cannot hold this weight
Always slipping in the exact moment
when I stop paying attention to where I am going
I have learned that pain is not worth anything more
than the words you can dig up to describe it
I am crumbling like a palace of cards
It only takes a light breeze
To knock me over
Completely