Suicide seems so bitter-sweet
Bitter: You are dead
Sweet: You get to choose when
Although I have craved
That simple taste of death
I was never brave enough
To end it all at once
So I have substituted that bitter-sweet death
With the bitter-sweet taste
Of a lit cigarette
Killing myself slowly
One inhale at a time

The crowd is full of opinions
The world is full of perfectionist
The people are full of constant desire
The books are full of fiction
The movies are full of fake true love
The news is filled with tragedy
The internet is filled with hate
But you are made of light
No matter how dark your life feels
No matter what lamps have gone out
No matter how thick the walls are
No matter how far you think you may be from an open window
You do not need one
Because
You are made of **light

like falling into a pool of ice
the sudden shock is overwhelming
the sharp needle like stinging
constantly getting tighter
closing tight like locked jaw
clenched fist, gripping air
you are my winter water
you make me go so still
I almost don't exist
*I almost do not even exist

You and I
We are indifferent
We are dumbfounded by feelings
We are two people in the same room with nothing to talk about
Confounded by misunderstandings
Believing the lies while choking on the truth
We are two people who never wanted to face the concrete reality
Always wanting the other one to speak up first
You and I
Sitting in silence

if only I had the second chance
if only the cards were in my favor
if only life were as simple as air
I promise that I would love you
like I have always wanted to be loved
I would give you my sole endeavor
to always keep you smiling
I never want to see a distorted disposition
you deserve to be happy all the time
so if I am not included in your happiness
that is okay
just as long as you are
always
**happy

Friday night
Window open
Cigarette lit
Praying that the house is still asleep
Hoping to maintain the good girl reputation
Maybe they wont find out
But then again too drunk to even care
My mind is unconsciously running out of reasons why I should stop
The addiction is too strong
The persuasiveness is at its all time high
And the regret remains at the bottom of an empty bottle
I hide myself behind drunken nights that are as never as fun as they sound
I want to forget it all
So I cross the lines that I drew to keep myself away
Not even thinking of going back
Not even wasting my time on the fact that the more I do it
The more permanent the thoughts become
You are engraved into the concrete of my mind
And I still
Constantly
Tell myself that if I just keep going
If I just keep pushing myself
It'll all go away
But it doesn't
Every time
It comes back

It's not that I hate you because I truly do not
And it's not that I want you to move far away because I don't think I do
And maybe it's not that I want you to never smile again
Because everyone deserves to see sunlight indoors sometimes
I just want you to stop coming around
But then again I wish you were closer
I am so indecisive with what I want from you
I want you to go away but I'll still crave you all the time
And I want you to come back but what if you leave
Loving you is walking on a tightrope with no safety net below me
And every few seconds you wonder what would happen
would anyone catch me
if i just slipped up
and fell