Tell your heart to hold on tight
There's going to be a storm tonight
Nothing can save you
Though you've done no wrong
But you'll drown in the flood
Before too long
Your knees will buckle
And your hands will shake
You'll lose your breath
And your voice will break
Do what you can
Save what you hold dear
But don't fool yourself
You won't be coming back here
It's hurling toward you
Like a bat out of Hell
The feeling inside you
You know all too well
It begins to get dark
As you cling to the last bit of light
It's hope against hope
No one to make it all right
Just go to the window
And look up at the stars
You'll find me there
If you try really hard
It may seem like a dream
But it's all too real
You've laid yourself out
For the vultures to steal
Promises made
Soft words were spoken
What is it they say...?
"Promises were made to be broken"
Disenchanted and frail
Distant gaze and skin so pale
It's almost over now
Just take your last breath
It feels sort of like sleep
But it's actually Death

When people say
"I'm not out of the woods yet"
It means they're still not healed
Still tangled
Still mangled
Amongst the trees and branches
Roots tripping them up
Pine needles in their hair
Trying to clear a path to escape
Darkness
Blurred stares
Is it an accident that you ventured in?
Was it curiosity that led you out the door?
Circumstances beyond your control?
Or do you continue to amble aimlessly
down the same path of treachery you walked before?
When leaving a trail of breadcrumbs only leads you back to your past
Wouldn't you rather be lost than home safely this time?
Do you heed those warnings and beware of the Big Bad Wolf in the woods?
Do you betray all that is in your head and your heart?
Or do you do as you should?

You'll always have your say
You'll eventually have your peace
While I die inside in silence
And choke out my beliefs
Better that I drown
As long as you don't leave
Hanging by a thread
Easier to let it die until it's dead
Anger doesn't even begin
To describe the ****** up state I'm in
Haunted in an attic
Feeling like an addict
Desperate to connect
Even when it feels like there's nothing left
Paint peeling off the walls
Recurring dreams and the engine stalls
Crushed like crumbs beneath your feet of fury
Pushing past my need for time because you're in a hurry
Sick house filled with filthy corners and spiderwebs
Drowning out the voices in my head
All of it (like always)
Would have been better left unsaid
Wasting away like a corpse in this empty bed

I know the world has been cruel to you
I know your heart gets heavy at night
But there is a way to make it through
There is a way to make it all right
Just let your dreams become your hopes
And let your hopes become your reality
Take my heart into those precious hands
And walk with me
Just walk with me

Keep painting my roses with your passionate red
Promise me you'll keep me safe and secure
Even when I'm tied down to your bed
Keep loving me through the darkness
Give me your ugliness and your beauty
And I'll keep your secrets
I'll give you a place to rest your head

I know it all gets crazy
And it doesn't look like it will end
But when you let yourself believe
Your enemy becomes your friend
Just take it as a challenge
Be strong - you know you are
When it all comes crashing
We'll stand there laughing
And counting shooting stars

I know it all seems upside down
And I know there doesn't seem to be a way home
But there is a way to turn it around
You just need a place to rest those weary bones
Just let your reality find a place in me
Let me be whatever you need me to be
Take my heart into those precious hands
And walk with me
Just walk with me

Where are you
I keep looking for you
Even as you tell me "we'll make it through"
I want to believe you like I always do
In this bed as I lie
Strangled by the sheets and the darkness in my eyes
Feeling like I could die
(Sweet relief, such sweet release)
Waiting for you
Watching for you
Wishing I would find you if I looked behind me
But I'm still waiting
"In this bed of spider webs
I think of ways to change myself"
Through these long, dark nights
Alone despite living together
Walking with the same painful limp
Parched lips
All skin and bone
Starving for a little glimpse
of the day you'll finally find your way home

"Limb by limb and tooth by tooth
Tearing up inside of me
Every day every hour
I wish that I was bulletproof

Wax me
Mould me
Heat the pins and stab them in
You have turned me into this
Just wish that I was bulletproof..."

"My heart is a tomb
My heart is an empty room
I’ve given it away
I never want to see it again

And all your words could save me
But keep your love away from me..."

- Chelsea Wolfe

"I taste death in every kiss we share
Every sundown seems to be the last we have
Your breath on my skin has the scent of our end
I'm drunk on your tears baby can't you see it's hurting

Every time we touch we get closer to heaven
And at every sunrise our sins are forgiven
You on my skin this must be the end
The only way you can love me is to hurt me again
And again
And again
And again..."
- Ville Hermanni Valo, H.I.M.

"Drained by the anger and grief
Fazed by the envy and greed
The secret cries for a release
The lucidity hidden deep in sweet pandemonium..."
- Ville Hermanni Valo, H.I.M.

"Lay in my grave with me my love.
We'll die side by side,
hand in hand.
And our ghosts follow us in the winter,
And the winter is taking us down."

- Chelsea Wolfe

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing."

- anais nin.

Once upon a time in a magical place
Not a single tear ever touched your face
There was no pain or suffering
No broken promises or fears
Only dreams and wishes
and the sound of laughter in your ears
But heartbreak comes unexpectedly
I try hiding it away until it breaks free
Filled to bursting
My tears come through
With regret from the disappointment
I have created in you
There is no one on Earth
Who touches my heart like you can
The way you hold me
The way you help me
The way you care and understand
My home in your arms is the only saving grace
I may not be perfect, but my heart
is in the right place
Just try to remember to give sadness equal space
And I'll try to brush these angry tears from my face

everything is so great and so perfect, until it isn't.

I settled in
And I settled with it
I had logic when I drifted off
But an entirely different shadow casts its cruel light this morning
As I rise and realize
The Silence
The Unknown
The taste of limerent panic
Devours everything in its path
And in its wake
Like a flood
I had logic when I drifted off
Logic when we last spoke
Logic when we kissed with hope
And now
My mind is crawling
with the worst possibilities
Triggered
and riddled with evil trickery
My eyes are open too wide
Searching in this vicious darkness
For you
Like wind through the trees
I'm left breathless in the breeze
Unsettled and sleepless
Weak in the knees
It's always this way on nights like these

Likened to abandoned theme park
Once fond memories cracked like abused porcelain
Affections taken over by invasive species
The fragrance and flavors once beloved, now poisoned and tasteless
My only want was to finally build a real home with you
A sanctuary
To capture a sense of pride and ease within the walls of our first attempt at creating this space together
To build something meaningful
To have a combined sense of accomplishment
What we are going through makes me think we do not bring out the best in one another
That we don't even like each other
That we are starting to become some angry sense of entitlement to our feelings instead of acknowledging the experience and skills we each possess and allowing them to be demonstrated
That incessant reference to one's opinion
Shouting from the rooftops just to be heard, right or wrong
The begging to just be
Respected
Cared for
Supported
Fought for instead of against
Overwhelmed by the demand for control
The chaotic pattern of pain
The bickering
The embittered, defensive replies to the simplest inquiry
The pushback against a simple difference of view
The lack of compromise because the war to be right appears to be more important than being happy
Sick to death of the exhaustion and sleeplessness and isolation
Happiness ruined by blame and selfishness
A creeping death, like a filthy air filter, will eventually have its way
So sick of contemplating a life beyond depression instead of living it
A life without a broken back
Without a broken voice
Without a broken heart
Starting to forget what it used to feel like to walk without the sting of these burdens around my ankles
Pulled into a stairwell of despair and breaking every bone on the way down
The constant ache
The stress from tiptoes on thin ice
The cuts from the shattered glass of the window pane
The threat of never recovering
Imminent with each misstep
Building upon an already cracked foundation
A landscape of burned out Earth, choking on the drought
Homeless dreams in littered streets
Dreams of you
A starving canine with your ribs showing, escaping reality by wandering the street for scraps
as I lie in wait, "slowly killing myself" as you look on
Past me
Through me
Those framed glass shards and their tattered curtains
Might as well be my body, my heart, and my soul
All in a seemingly endless, untenable state of disrepair
Scrubbing at the flaws until my hands bleed with no way to get the stains out
Gasping for breath with the hope of a new day
Stifled by the devastating collapse beneath the mountain of rubble

this house is making me sicker than any virus could.

3:33am
again
screaming nightmares and terrors
telling false tales of the heart and grave errors
wide awake while the world sleeps
my heart pounds and my weary eyes weep
wide-eyed and staring at the white glow of the screen
wondering why and what it all means

She said, "You will always be too much of something for someone: too big, too loud, too soft, too edgy. If you round out your edges, you lose your edge."
Sounds so easy to "just do YOU" to someone on the outside.
She told me to be careful, but not fearful.
She told me to be mindful, but not thoughtless.
She thinks I really know how to live, even when I feel like dying.
And now I feel forced into change, because if I don't, it means I'm not trying.

I loathe Tuesdays.

I guess it slipped through my fingers,
Watched it sink into the water and drown
I've got no more fight left in me
Heartbroken, disenchanted, beaten into the ground
Oh, it's such inspiration
This feeling of desperation
Grasping at something I'll never have again
Filled with loss and mourning at the thought of the end
Trapped inside the shell of a broken spirit
Isolated in this silence, and feeling safe within it
"It's You, It's You, It's all for you"... and nothing else
Condemned dreams and broken promises to myself
Eyes wide open in the dark
Wishing there was a way to get back to that spark
I'm just a broken horse, no trace left of that willful girl
My soul is at half-mast
A life lived trying to live up to the past
Dead behind the eyes, reality finally realized
It's gone so far, it feels like there's no way back
Drowning would be such sweet relief,
just want to let it all go black

I find more comfort in my solitude than from "friends".