It's the first day
And I was shaking so bad I could hardly speak
It's getting worse
And I don't know how to live a normal life anymore
It's like everything inside of me is talking all at once
And I can't focus on one thing because everything is vying for my attention
It's a constant, nagging, festering worry in the back of my mind
And it's slowly stealing my joy
It's taking over
And that scares me

I say "I'm just tired"
Because I can't tell you
I can't tell you how I just want to cry
All the time
Because sometimes I feel so hopeless
Because sometimes I feel so different
Because I'm strange and left out and rejected
I can't tell you how my heart is broken
That the most beautiful boy I've ever known doesn't want me
Because I can't tell you what I did
Because I don't want you to see the ugly inside of me
I can't tell you how I hate my body
That I nit-pick and try to perfect it every second of every day
Because I feel trapped in this physical shell
Because I just want to be beautiful
I can't tell you how ashamed and alone I feel
Because I'm different
Because I'm an oddball and I don't fit in with any of my many groups
Because I'm never good enough, never bad enough
Because I'm never enough
I can't tell you any of this
Because I don't think you really want to hear it
Because I don't want to burden you
Because I know I'm being stupid
Because I feel too insecure to tell anyone anything
Because I don't trust people anymore
Because you'll just hurt me
I can't tell you any of this
So instead I'll say,
"Nothing's wrong. I'm just tired."

Today was hard
Girls in teeny tiny shorts
With teeny tiny legs
And teeny tiny waists
And long, strong hair
And beautiful faces
And me
In all black
In a baggy shirt
With thick legs
And a big ****
And dry hair
And an ordinary face
And he's there
And he's beautiful
And don't forget that other one,
he didn't want you too
And why would they,
When there are beautiful, tiny, perfect girls to love instead?

There's something beautiful when you find that emotional release
Your lungs are aching, your legs are sore
Your face feels hot, your tears cold
You shake your hair out of your face
Push yourself harder
Just run
Away from hopes and fears
Away from daydreams and broken promises
Away from betrayal and self-hate
Away from shame and humiliation
Away from what might have been
Run until your lungs ache
Until each breath is a knife in your chest
Until the air feels like water, drowning you
Until your eyes are so blurry you can't see where your feet are landing
Then your tears come faster
Your sobs come louder
Your breaths grow quicker
And you're crying up to the sky
"Why, why me?"
And you have a million reasons why it could, and should be you
Why it should be you to feel all this pain
But there's that part of you that reminds you...
Everyone deserves happiness
And you're a part of everyone, right?
If only you could just stop crying

It was crash and burn, just like I knew it would be
But I dived in anyway
Foolish girl, foolish me

I felt beautiful
Weird, right?
For me at least
Then I saw her
The one you really love
Not just your second choice
She shines like the sun
And she was beautiful in her pining for you
And I was wretched in my shame
She is beautiful, pure, pristine
And I am ugly, *****, unclean
I tried to take what wasn't mine
I hate myself more for wanting you still
Why do I delude myself into thinking you would choose me?
Over her?
Impossible
I can't even have the pleasure of a daydream
For it is too far-fetched,
Even for me,
To dream that you would choose me over her
Dreamer that I am
I no longer even have that escape
And I just can't understand
What would make you change the way you act towards me
You, romantic of all romantics, acting like any other boy
That makes me think
That I must be worse than any other girl
Because why am I not good enough for your sentimental love?
The love that I crave more than anything
Barely a week, and you broke my heart
It was crash and burn, just like I knew it would be
But I dived in anyway
Foolish girl, foolish me
Living out a pre-conceived tragedy
But you wanted me
That much is true
But it's not enough
Not for me
Its just not enough
I want all of you
I want to hold your hand
Push your hair off your forehead
Feel your arms tighten around me
Be on the receiving end of all your smiles
Be the one you talk about to your friends
Be the girl you post those silly quotes about
I thought that...
No, I hoped that you might fall
Since I was so willing
But maybe this is my fault
Cause I never let you see
The inside, the layers, of what I wanted us to be
And then there's that hope again
That this was all a miscommunication
That you'll call me again
But then I remind myself of her
And her shining, golden beauty
And I remember me
My anxious, awkward insecurity
And I fall back down again
It's enough that my stomach is in knots
And I can't eat
Because every time I do the food is thrown up the incline, thrashed around a loop-dee-loop, and back down again
Hope & Despair
Locked in a desperate tango
Marching their way through my body
Leaving me cold, shaking, tearful, awake, and lonely
But it's my own fault
I shouldn't have gone for what I knew I could never have

You.
Are.
Beautiful.
I wish you could see
The strength of your own beauty
Freckles, bright blue eyes, wispy strands of hair framing a beloved face
A gentle smile, the kindest of smiles
I love nothing more than a kind smile
Laugh lines and battle scars
They all add up to who you are
And you are beautiful
And you are made all the more beautiful because of what you are inside
Your inner light is so bright
So beautiful
So glowing
You positively sparkle
A peak at your eyes can show you that much
See it there? That little gleam? The glisten of your infinitely beautiful soul?
I see it, you know
We all do
If only you could too
If only you could feel the tender love I feel for you
How much I wish I could make you love yourself as I love you
How all I want is for you to be kind to yourself
Because I know how hard it is to be your own worst enemy
And you, my dear, are too kind to be anyone's enemy
Let alone your own
So I beg you to look a little closer at yourself
And look at all the people who love you, at those who surround you
They're drawn to your gentle, shining, sparkling beauty
Like moths to a beautiful and kind light
You are so precious to all of us
You are a blessing and a gift
You are beautiful
You are beautiful not for just one particular thing,
But for everything
You are beautiful in all that you are
And you are loved