It's that time again
The sun has been wiped out
Clouds loom all about
Never bringing the sanctity of rain
Just blocking out the light, increasing the pain

And here I sit
Alone, lost, unsure, insecure
Trembling with fear
At what is coming near
Because I know

I know that things will fall down again
I know that my mind will crush itself again
I know that I will hate and despise
And slowly realize
The true mess inside my head

And just when the clouds threaten to break
And unleash their true potential on me
And when through my tears I cannot see
I find a shred of hope inside my soul
A tiny light that may be dull...

But it's there, I swear

So now I tug
I push and pull and cry and it swells
Magnificent hope, like I was never unwell
It beams forth and lights through my eyes
And that is when I realize

I will fall again,
This is true
There's nothing that I can do
But if I endure, if I survive
I'll be greatful for the next day, when I am still alive

BROKEN!
CHEAP!
USED!
DISMISSED!
UNWANTED!
NOT NEEDED!
NOT WORTH IT!
DON'T BOTHER!
There's nothing left anymore
And yet, there always is
You think there's nothing
But there's always just enough to take
Take more
Please
Leave me as a shell
Bury me
I never want to get up again
I'm so tired
All
The
Time
Never enough sleep, never enough of nothingness
I just want to stop
But stopping is my biggest fear
If you stop, you can't be fixed
So instead I will become
A little bird
Feather light bones,
Barely there,
Nearly gone...
A feather
And then I can be blown
Far, far away
Away from you, him, her
Away from it all
Above it all
At peace, at last

And you know,
I never met a sunset I didn't like
I loved every sticky sweet evening
Every bug, and every firefly
And it's so hard to say goodbye
Cause I never met a summer night I didn't like

I guess this is me
Open, inviting
Face up, arms spread
To the heavens
The stars
Only you, solid hunks of fire and ice
Can pound out and alleviate my sins
And lord, have I sinned
Gave everything away for nothing in return
A promise made to one who didn't deserve it
A decision made that could never be undone
Why by the cow when you can have the milk for free?
Silly metaphors, silly questions
For a pain so real and raw
A surgery started but not completed
A body left open, skin peeled away
Vulnerable
I can't help taking it all
All your good, your bad
Your moans, your cries, your sighs
Do with me what you will
I care too much to fight
I am too soft
Too sensitive, too open
I'll be broken before I know it
...
I fear I already am

Let's start with that simple equation
1 + 1 = 2
But what if it's 1 x 1 = 1?
There are two factors, but in the end, there is only one
I love him
But he doesn't love me
Two people, there's love, but the girl is left alone
He doesn't want me
And why should he?
Chubby, pink face, limp hair, imperfect makeup, awkward tendencies
Who can blame him?
I don't.
But that doesn't mean I don't still want him.
Doesn't mean that he doesn't fill my stomach with butterflies,
That his voice doesn't make me smile,
That seeing him makes my day that much better.
And all I can hope is that he doesn't know.