You told me you loved me yesterday
but I understand if something changed.
I'm wearing the perfume in the gold bottle today
instead of the one in the blue
and I curled my hair --
but you always liked it like that, so maybe I'm wrong --
perhaps you still love me.

ok
no
no
no
i'm not
i haven't been
and i never will be
but i'll pretend
sink deeper into the recesses of mind
the darkest corners
walls made of  loathing
and anger
and envy
no
no
no
i'm not okay
"I'm okay."

just hormones
i tell myself
not real pain
not a big deal
but everything hurts and i want to die
just hormones 
hiding behind eyeliner
it masks the red 
i wasn't crying
allergies
mine are bad this time of year
i wasn't sad
why do you ask?
how ridiculous
i
don't
get 
sad
i don't need help
 i just need some time alone
no people
just the static crackling of a car radio a few yards away
a talk show with the volume **** turned too loud
screams and laughter from where my friends stand
they aren't like me 
they don't want me
i don't want them
i'll hide in a corner
hide behind a mask
of eyeliner
and lip gloss
cloaked in shadows
drip drip
goes the water
it's cold over here
but hidden
nobody can see me
i'm just another person on their phone
clipped into technology 
indifferent 
not in pain
just hormones 
i remind myself
you aren't really hurting
the slightest touch will turn your eyes into waterfalls
so stay hidden 
stay safe
it's ***** over here
bird **** on a window
how is it that even possible?
moist
disgusting
guarded by 6th graders
to afraid to approach me
but i can feel their eyes on me
creepy pasta
is what they discuss
as they beat their violin strings
with their bows
unpleasant noises
there's my mom's car
pulling up
get ready
smile
energy
brush your hair back
natural
act natural
"How was your day?"
hard
"Fine"
it's just hormones.

Wishes  are for children
Dreaming also
Reality is too strong to ignore because it hits you everyday
Reminding you that it's always going to be there
And there isn't time to wish and dream.

Because maybe I don't get enough sleep
and spent too long putting ships in bottles that line the office floor
the room is a single headache
someone is saying something

at a hardwood table this was commissioned
get edgy get angsty
because the typical teenage crisis is such a classic appeal--
I want to be atypical please god just atypical
without kicking down the doors of a cardboard institution
and being labeled something worse

Starched collared shirts and five point essays
parabolic paranoia burning through my throat
my voice cracks mid-presentation
ten points off
oh the shame

Because ain't this real life
(you'll use this information later)
you're entire future rests on this testexampapermotherfuckingpowerpoint
get to college get a job get happy--
dropout

maybe I'll push drugs instead
--get happy get happy--
relief packages sold behind brick buildings to younger versions
the 2.0s

it's hell isn't it, kid?

good luck

the t.v.'s only on to drown out the silence,
and to give my ears some kind of noise.
this candle's only burning to hide your scent,
and provide light in this empty room.

the clear bottom of this empty Captain stares back at me,
bragging its victory.