Who knew that all of the sensations were real?
The ones that we all find foolish.
We find that all of the words are staged, until we become part of the play.
The extremes become the means to our existence.
A broken heart? Who would believe such a thing?
Such an impractical diagnosis.
An empty mind? An impossible conviction.
A pain so sharp, a knife so long and wide, that all that is left remains numb.
Doubtful at best.
All of these disbeliefs thrown into an everyday life.
The disbeliefs that were experienced from the other extreme not long before.

Who would believe love can stop time?
That it could defy the rules of nature and create the calm after the storm?
That it finds life when death transpires?
That it could bring two lives into one?

I did.

I believed it all, and what a fool I have been.
So now I have lost all faith,
all trust that these feelings can coexist with our everyday lives.
I am a fool who has been deceived. A fool who has lost meaning even in deceit.

And now I remain numb in the storm of reality.

Alone.

As we all start, and we all end.

You have been the greatest risk in my many investments.
Such insignificant ventures were crowding my record,
Taking up space and giving little value.
But even in failure, I never was fully spent.

It was when I gave you all I had, that I gave away my own warning.
The one that reminds us that having nothing to lose just leaves us all worthless.
The one that explains why you cannot ask for more without a fair exchange.
But there once was a time I would always find the value in what was worthless to most.

I thought of the beauty that would come alive out of destruction.
I thought of the sun when it hid behind the clouds.

I believed in the ultimate victory after the seemingly endless fight.
I believed that pain would always fade into another pleasant day.

I saw the diamonds in your eyes.
I saw treasures in the wreckages.

I found meaning in every moment, every thought, and every dream.
And it fooled me into searching for something more.
It seized me when I thought that quitting while you are ahead was only for the quitters.
But the false pretenses fooled me into thinking there was always another stop to the next milestone.
There was always more to give in hope of that greater return.

But when I first left my safety zone, I was not aware that I was the destruction.
I was the dark cloud covering the sun, the fight against the better day.
The rock covering the shine of the crystal, the wreckage that washed and hid away the treasures.

And when I gave all I had, I lost my way, I lost my direction.
I lost the map that would always guide me towards the next milestone.
I lost all that I had saved, all I once preserved.
And with nothing left to give, there is just no merit.

As I crumble under the wreckage,
All I see is my initial investment.
An insignificance
A dead weight
A depreciating value to all that I once saw.

How I miss that beauty.
How I miss that hope.
How I miss believing that my guide had no end.
How I miss the treasures I would trade to keep going.
Just for one more stop. One more mile.

How I miss you.

You are my greatest endeavor, to a life I never envisioned feasible.
The greatest exception, to prove all my certainties untrue.
Yet this new conviction still brings havoc to my soul.
Is there some reservation I refuse to unleash?

I have lived with such a calm breeze gliding me through life in ease.
I never stumbled through the turmoil, or let the air lift me from the ground.
When the wind came, I walked forward, I never dared go against it.
To fight through a weightless load, to provoke simplicity, gamble with the slightest of chance,
those were the risks I was never willing to take.

My prudence kept me sane, it kept me grounded.
Deal with the pull, don't push destiny.
A deathly game I would not play. My heart against my mind.

Yet this windfall fought its own fate.
It enticed me to battle the cool breeze, to walk the opposing route,
struggle through the hurricanes, and survive the spin of the tornadoes.
And when the storms lifted me off my feet, I let them.
When the wind was my enemy, I teased its disposition. I laughed at its dispute.
No longer was any game worth not playing.
Life was now a gamble, and I would conquer its challenges. I would be the victor of its trade.

Because when you swept me off my feet, you left me in such disbelief.
You told me you cannot fight fate. And I now believe you.
Because the wind became my friend, and together we soar.
Into your arms it thrusts me, averting my fear, and pushing me to gamble.
This storm I will face. These chances I will take.

What do you believe?
How could you believe it?
Do you believe in me, do you believe in you?

Define faith and tell me what you see.
The **** it says.
The pain, it all lingers.
The lies it tells.

So stop lying to me.
Stop the deception before it glorifies.
Before it resurrects itself in you, in me.

What comforts you when you lie to my face?
What do you have that lets you fall asleep peacefully beside me?
What do you hear when you tell me you’re in love?

Because I don’t believe in you.
I don’t believe you.
I can’t sleep
I can’t close my eyes.
I can’t hear because I just can’t listen anymore.

Never did I realize how blind I have been.
That the look you gave her is the look I always wanted from you.

I created a fog, a dark haze, and it clouded my better judgment.
I blinded myself from reality.
I created a dream, this beautiful dream where you and I could be.
and I am now waking up to my nightmare.
Still half asleep, avoiding the inevitable.
Half of my subconscious continues to sleep,
continues to live in denial while the rest move on without me.

Because I remember finding you talking to her.
You say you do not care, but I would do that for you.
And I remember the words you muttered under your breath,
hostile towards her new love that is not you anymore.
You say it does not matter, but those are words I would speak for you.
And as time progresses, the path seems to get clearer.
I find the strength I let go of, thinking that being weak and vulnerable would be alright.
But it never was okay.

To be blind again is all I long for. How weak does that make me?
Seeing clearly means seeing pain in the beauty that stood before the haze.
Seeing clearly means waking up from my dream,
and living in this nightmare.
Where I am the last one you will see.

And by then it will be too late.
It will be too late.

I fought a long war before you saw my victorious nature.
I fought the tough battles, some easier than others, some more vile than could be conceived.
I mended the wounds, and I replaced the bandages time after time.
I survived the countless challenges, but still found no meaning in the brutality.

I could not understand the merciless disposition.
For it all hurt as much as the one before it.
The cuts infecting the wounds that never were truly restored.
There was no time to heal, for this war found no end.
The battles were never won, just gruesome disputes to forget in time.

But I never forget.

There was no peace and no common ground.
I am the enemy, and the others lived maliciously.
I lived with no ally. I lived with no hope.
I am the less fortunate in the fighting world. The minority amongst the strengths.
There were days I woke with fear, days I woke in despair.
Nights I lost my ability to control, and nights I had no influence of my surroundings.
I have been a slave under the dictatorship of many.
And never did I feel safe. Never did I feel as if I was my own fighter.
And the morning it was all taken from me, the morning I almost lost it all,
I vowed to win the battles, I vowed to win the war.
The fight towards the better life, the fight for freedom, the fight for an ally.
The fight to the triumph that you needed to see inside of me.

For you are my true ally, and together with such vigor,
we will diminish the wreckage in our way. And we will win it all.
You and I against the world.

Life goes on for most, but her pain persists.
Her pain is more profound, more sustained than most.
And she hides it every time she is faced with another.
She hides it until she feels comfort, and releases the demons inside,
believing that maybe this time it will be different.
But it never is.

The demons grow stronger every time he walks away.
They haunt her dreams, her thoughts. There is no escape.
But she never loses hope.

She believes it when she tells herself, "This time is different."
And she truly believed it this time. She thought she would be saved.
Because she prolonged the exposure to ease the fear in him.
But now simply watches as the cycle comes back 'round.

She sees him pushing away, looking for another less daunting.
And she watches it again and again,
but this time just waits to give up a little more strength without any trepidation.
She stares in her drink and takes another sip as she watches him slowly moving away,
just waiting for the next cycle to start its course.

I woke up this morning feeling out of the norm.
I could not fathom why this was as the day went on.
But sometime around midnight it all came back to me,
it was my most recent dreams. They sunk into me like knives through the heart.

I was on a rollercoaster, alone in a dark space, the neon lights clouding any incentive.
I closed my eyes in complete terror, and I watched our history speed by in the darkness.
Around and round I went, wondering why I had ever bothered.

And when it was all over, you were waiting outside.
You saw me, noticed my panic, and you fled without looking back.

There was a time nothing could tear us apart.
You were the opposite strip to a magnetic field, constantly pulling us together,
even when every piece of matter wanted us to part.
And I loved our connection, I loved the pull that would never let me go.

But when I opened my eyes, I knew. I was the one pulling.
I was the positive to the negative that became one neutral state.  

Even my subconscious sought to warn me of the anticipated destruction of our magnetic attraction.
And I wondered what possibility there would ever be that you could accept your polar opposite.

Yet I fear the next dream will simply show me the end of it.
I expect no outcome, I expect nothing at all.
For my life is dedicated to attracting a negative, something to become one.
And without you, I am nothing. Living without meaning, living without possibility.
Simply awaiting the next time my mind spins me in circles,
and brings me to my greatest fears, and also to the worst of them all.
Life without you. This is where I say goodbye, as the black hole takes me into bewilderment.

I long for my days to end, so I can lay my head back down.
The few days that I can get myself out of bed.
I look forward to the dreams, the nightmares, anything to escape this world.
The ability to lose myself, lose all control.
Lost in the dreams that seem to accentuate the world more than reality.
Dreaming of being the driver steering off the road.
Because when I open my eyes, and I see the world as it truly is,
I realize something.

I am not the cure to a better life for you. I cannot completely diminish the wrongs, the pain.
I can only create more doors. A treatment rather than the full alleviation.
I may open windows, create a cool breeze, but I will never be your final choice.
I will never be the worthy among the many alternatives.
I will never be the drive pushing you out of your comfortable zone, the one behind your wheel.
You may relieve my pain, assure me I would go to all limits,
leave me only one door to choose from with absolute certainty it is the only one I want,
but that is not where you are.

You tell me I am wrong, tell me everything is going to be okay,
but the truth comes out time and time again.

Because I go the extra mile, and I take the extra steps,
and you just remain still,
contemplating which door to walk through next.

It was an early Spring afternoon when the rain was trickling down my cheek.
And then I realized, I was unaware of the last time I saw the rain.

I felt its warmth, its peace, its romantic disposition.
As if I had missed so much time, and I was unsure of where it all went.
But this was not like the rain I once knew.

I walked under the dark clouds, alone through an empty field,
with just one small ray of sunshine guiding me to the unfamiliar.
And when the field came to,
I did not feel any trepidation. I felt I had been brought to shelter.
The beauty that exposed itself to me, as if I would never be of harm,
it was so delicate. It trusted me to care for its vivacity.

And in that moment, I knew. There was a reason I could not distinguish the rain.
It cascaded itself over me as if it was my own sanctuary.
And it was. Because I had been here many times before.
Except before, the rain was not my safety, it was my dejection.
I had not felt this rain because in times they were tears,
now simply a shower of rejuvenation. Transpiring itself into a new dream.

The best part? I could not tell you.
Its abrupt ending woke me, and I was lying next to you.
And I swore I had dreamt of this moment, too.
The subconscious designs its own form of perfection, and you,
You are mine.

In the darkest of moments, there is one thought that saves me.
The thought of you, and a look you give me.
Whether it is across the room or right in front of me,
you do something that takes it all away, all of the bad.
This look stops time. It blurs our surroundings.
In a crowded room, you make me feel like you and I are the only ones there.
You scrunch your forehead, and you soften your eyes.
You give me this smirk as you tilt your head, until you cannot help but smile.
And I never take my eyes away from the beauty in yours.
The power of that one look, the power it has to melt away the pain.
It is the slightest moment, yet it freezes time long enough for me to grab hold of it.
And I hold onto that feeling, that memory, with dear life.
Because it saves me when I am low, and it brings me back up.
Just the slightest look is all it takes for you to move me so deeply.
It is your touch that makes me shake. Makes my mind race and my heart beat faster.
I lose my focus and lose the ability to make sense of anything, to find any meaning,
because all I can see is you. And you are my only focus. You are all that makes sense.
It is being in your arms that makes everything feel real, and better than what anyone deemed possible.
These constant sensations, uncontrollable sensations, they show me how great you really are.

No one has made me feel time actually stop.
Frozen in time, I will never take my eyes away from you.  
And I will give you everything, I will give anything,
to let you know what the world looks like when time stops.
Such a beautiful perfection, and all it takes to get there is the look in your eyes.

I see you everywhere.
Colorblind to my surrounds,
You're more vivid than this world.

The colors, they are so brilliant,
In this life of black and white
But then I saw you in a different shade of light.

You kept it all to yourself,
took it all away from me.
I asked you to color in my world,
so you turned it all gray.

You took it all away from me.
You never wanted me to see the colors.
You thought seeing more would open my eyes.
You thought I would find meaning past you.

So I watch the seasons go by,
unaware of the abundance of time passing by.
Oblivious to the Summer radiance, the serenity in the Fall.
The delicacy of Winter, and the vigor in Spring.

I watch the winds fly by over the water, just another shade of gray and white.
Unmindful of the chill in the air.
A lifeless world.
Because you never wanted to share it with me.

I told you slow was manageable.
I told you I understood.
So forgive me for waking up feeling like time should no longer be wasted.
Because suddenly I realized that you never took the time to understand.
And suddenly I was aware that true love does not waste.

It began when I felt myself pushing away in my mind.
But it manifested itself in that extra space between us when we sat by the water.
And then was when I recognized how I hold you a little less and just a little less tightly.
I recognized how I no longer search the crowded room for those eyes,
or gaze at your face every time we drive.
Because I can't ever feel the pain again, the pain that is far too familiar.
And I saw it coming when I finally looked around the crowd.

I was suddenly aware of how much I have given,
and that now I have nothing left.
The more I let go of, the more I thought I would get something better in return.
The more I thought that the love I wanted was worth more than everything I could ever have.
But with nothing left to give, I still do not have what I struggled to attain for so long.
With nothing left to give, I realize that I never stopped half way, I just kept going.

I kept going so far that you did not even have to blink an eye.
So far that it pains me to have come to the realization,
that it is time to turn around.
Go backwards on what brought me so far, and what could have brought me further.
But everyone needs the slightest incentive to keep going.
And you never even blinked an eye.

Words are meaningless to most,
those who do not truly understand.
Yet they can be just as deceitful to those who look for wisdom and worth.
Those who want others to give them the answers to the questions they cannot find on their own.
And the ones most deceitful are the ones most generic.

What does not **** brings strength. Do you feel stronger?
If you do not succeed, keep trying. Yet insanity is defined by just this.
To have loved and lost. Is it better?
Because when all you do is lose, what is left?
A broken memory, a broken heart, sheer frustration.
And when you cannot succeed, why go mad?
Why let the one you love go, when you should really be fighting for their want to stay.
Because when cheating death leaves you paralyzed, what is the point to lose, to go insane?

It's a beautiful world
When you can see the beauty.
It's a beautiful life
When you see past the *******.

So pick your head up,
And look around you.
This is right now,
And you're never going to get it back again.

What do you get out of looking down?
Why shut your eyes?
What are you looking at when you can't really see?

You give away too much,
You give it all away now.
And when someone comes searching for it,
You'll have nothing left to show.

So take a look.
Open up your eyes.
And realize you still have something.
Understand that beauty will always be there,
As long as you are looking for it.

Give them all something to find,
Than they will never make you feel blind.

Love is a privilege, never to be exploited.
It heals, it protects and secures. It does not spoil.
A passionate fire, tender and devoted. A single adoration.  
It is the light that guides those who have been lost and those who yearn to be found.
It is hopeful. It brings beauty to those who cherish it.
It is taken when it is given, reciprocated with no distress.

Yet this is no give and take.
And the lights can be turned off as easily as they turned on.
Blinding the hearts and minds that once saw the vibrancy in the infinite possibilities,
and creating an imbalance in the once stable world.

I have lost myself in a darkness, no longer aching for an illuminated path.
Only searching to disable these waves of affection drowning my thoughts.
And soon I will find, a lack of passion, a lack of hope,
they do not lead to hatred. They simply leave me numb.
With a pain so unbearable, that there is nothing left to trade.

The light has taken itself away from me, the spiteful light,
leaving behind only the memories of the last visible shadows that once were you and I.

And as I fade into the obscurity,
I stand alone with no hope to be found again.

I gave you a taste,
And since then you’ve been killing my senses.
Gave you a piece,
And one by one they dissipated into oblivion.
I see a little bit less,
And ignore the murmuring whispers.
Until I lose all control.

I carried the weight,
I put it all on my shoulders.
I handled the load,
Drove it out of your reach.
Untouchable to your delicacy.
A heavier burden than I could lift.
Until I lost control.

I watched the nights go by,
Awake yet barely alive,
Living to keep you pleased.
So tell me, are you pleased? Are you pleased?
My head’s spinning,
My body’s shaking.
And now I’m out of control.

There is a significant person in my life,
one of which I have no acquaintance, one I do not truly know.
Merely an image my mind refuses to distinguish from the blur.
For even my waking life could not conceive the truth of the night he knew me.

Yet the image still lurks its way into my dreams,
the ones most surreal.
It subsists always in a threatening manner.
The road not to take, the wicked to the just.

It leaves me with no escape in my own world.
I cannot evade myself from this blur for long.
I cannot shake the feeling I felt that fateful morning.
I cannot disregard a loss of innocence in adulthood. An unnatural sensation.

I will never be able to ignore the physical pain I endured.
As much as I cannot see, I feel twice as much.
I could not explain where the pain came from, but I suffered through it days on end.
And the pain in my mind, the one subsiding itself into my head day after day,
nothing will restore the virtue I once held onto.
Nothing will cover my shame.

Years have passed, yet I have come to know,
that time does not heal all wounds.

Can love be defined in one true form?
For this love is the greatest masterpiece
Architected by the moments that stop the beating of our hearts.
This love is the cool breeze on a hot summer day,
the beauty in the sunrise after an agonizing night.
This love is a true release,
the one that brings the relief of all of the tension and heartache.
A reminder of life in the midst of all the pain and loss.
The most refreshing comfort in an uneasy world.
A repair to all that is broken, mending all pain, all wounds.

This love cannot be explained in a moment, or in any given time,
For it is infinite. It is timeless.
Immortalized by the host of my heart.

I only wish you could understand this enchantment,
the constant thrill in every thought, the spell I am under.
An illusion so powerful, that trickery only seems contrary to deception.

Your charm has this resilient influence over me.
All of my old tendencies seem to have disappeared into the flames,
the ones turning to sparks that rise above us under this summer twilight.

Because around you, magic transforms to life.
There is no reason, no rhyme, no hidden key out of plain sight.
There is just you and the reflection of my memory,
placing your image in my home.
Reminding me that magic may still remain.
Reminding me it still exists.

Every cornerstone in life leads to a disbelief,
yet you are the one that brings it all back.
The one making me believe in the magic that typically does not subsist in adulthood.
The one who made the feelings simmer for years, until they began to boil
And that heat keeps me warm,
It heats the passion, that led to this love.

This greatness, it keeps me alive.

Do you see it in my eyes?
Do you sense this feeling?
Do you feel how every time I look at you, it all gets a little lighter?
The world around us becomes weightless,
And the only thing holding it down is this weight inside of me.
This weight that makes me feel like I'm getting a little bit higher,
and changing the laws of nature.

Nothing can exist in this space and time.
Nothing can ever be beautiful enough to survive against it.

Yet here we are,
Once two worlds apart, now colliding into this lawless splendor.
Losing the sense of reality,
Yet living with absolute clarity.

Because nature in anarchy creates this passion.
This vibrant world,
Where we are the only ones who can find meaning in senselessness.

Shame on you
For dragging me down this empty road.
Shame on me
For getting on the ground.

You used to drive me,
And now I'm on empty.
Now all you do is drive me away,
But I've got nothing left to get me there.

This power, it runs me.
But the miles are wearing me down.
Looking for a way out,
But only finding myself looking for the hand that pulls me.

You have this energy,
Peaceful yet spiteful.
You use it against me,
You know when to use them.
Knowing which way I'm trying to turn.

So now I've lost my drive.
I let go of the wheel.
Heading off course,
Heading towards a crash I can see coming.
But I never stopped pushing the gas.

The shame, it's all mine.
Down to the ground again.
Down to the ground.

We have traveled thousands of miles, seen the world in different lengths.
Crossed the ocean to see some divergence in the world.
We went our separate ways, yet found our back way to each other.
With no incentive and no logic,
I found myself in your arms again.

For we may have been across an ocean, in a different world,
an unrecognizable locality, but I still found my true home.
The place I feel safe, the place there is comfort.
No geography can place a distance between us,
and not due to any numerical implication.

Because even across the world, there you are.
The one waiting in the bus station, and knocking on the hotel door.
The one walking me off the train and seeing me off to a flight.

But eventually reality would set back in. Across the ocean we would go again.
And my only expectation was that the close proximity would bring us further apart.

But now, in this place that was my home, you are more my home than ever.
For you are no longer waiting on the end of a one way trip,
you're the one next to me. The one behind the wheel steering us towards a better place.
And for the first time, there is this sense of control.
Seeing you next to me, not through the tinted window or a heavy door, just your hand in reach,
makes me thankful to be alive every day, to wake up every morning,
and know that you will never be an ocean away again, as long as we are on our way together.

Ask me about the first day,
And I'll let you know.
Ask me about the last day.
Just try asking.

I watched.
I watched it all.
Because I feel the pain in everything.

And I drank it all away,
I thought I was waterproof.
And I let it all go to flames.
Though, I knew I wasn't fireproof.

Life on edge is no longer for the thrill.
No need to ask me twice.
Life on edge is no longer a risk.
No need to ask at all.

**** me before you thrill me,
I can't take anymore.
**** me before you thrill me,
I can't love you anymore.

You're a fatal poison,
A repentant temptation
Lethal to my instincts,
Compelling to my greatest desires.

I'm sick at your touch,
I'm sick at your taste,
but without it, I go hungry.
This life, I can't endure without you

Why do you have to be so cruel?
You're making me go mad
Why do you entice me?
I can't get you out of my head

Fire or passion?
Love or hate?
All I'm seeing is red.
Disillusioned by your charm,
And there's no way out of this.
There's no way out of your bed.

I hold onto one penny with dear life.
Looking in no one would exactly understand why.
I have held it with me for over a year now, as my reminder.
Something so meaningless, so worthless to any other,
is worth more than everything to me.

You left it behind one morning, and it was all I had of you then.
And it was the morning I knew how much you were worth to me.  
Because every time you left, I had nothing to hold onto anymore.
After holding on all through the night, and pulling myself closer to you,
even when there was no meaning between us,
I always needed a part of you with me.

Because though we seemed disconnected to those looking in,
though we seemed to lack meaning or worth,
You meant everything to me.
And that penny is my reminder.
A reminder of the beginning of this priceless love we now hold even dearer.
And now that is what stays with me,
every time you walk out the door.

This time I know,
you will come back to me.
And this time I know,
you are worth more than every penny in this world.
But I will still never let that first one go.

Pace is a matter of tracking time.
It tracks the heart racing, and it is circumstantial.
The best things in life can speed up the heart's pace, yet so can the worst.
Running away or running forward will lead to the same rate.

But what game are we playing here?
What line are we trying to cross?
Slow and steady may win the race,
but only if you are playing the game.
And I find no need to find that finish line,
because I do not believe there is time to lose finding the way there.

All I want is to take advantage of this very second,
and track the rate of my heart at this very moment.
And I want to grab hold of you and let you know,
that if this second was spent away from you, my heart would no longer beat.

I want to let you know that in this second,
no one loves you more than I do, and no one ever can.
I want to show you that every second.
Because time is not to be wasted.
The clock will stop.

And when it does I do not want your time to be spent without knowing.
Without being aware that you were the one to make my heart race,
make it slower, steadier, and at times, untraceable.
Yet your only goal is to win the game, slow and steady.
Wasting every second that should matter more now than when the clock started.

The pulse in my veins,
it trickles down
With every beat of a heart.
Keeping in harmony
Until it all just sounds a little more scattered
Until it falls into turmoil

You're changing the paths,
and out of the norm we go.
Losing our way,
Never looking for our way back.

My temper, it's rising.
Frustrated, distressed.
The pulse is getting stronger.
The heat in my body pulling me further from familiarity.

You make me lost.
Why do you let me go?
How did we get here?
Can we ever make it back now?

No, no. I'm never coming back again.

When I tell someone I am different than most people,
I do not mean I am better. I do not mean I have lived more.
I mean it as a warning.
Take caution before you want to get inside of me.
Because when you do, there is no turning back.
And when you do, you will see the pain that I see.
You will hurt until you cannot hurt anymore,
and eventually this will lead to our demise.
Whoever you may be this time around.

Because when I say I am different,
I am the only one aware of the reality behind it.
The difference in me hides behind the lies.
It scares away with a single threat.
And it destroys every bit of humanity inside of me.

The difference in me is disguised by the outside world,
and deceives the smartest of men.
Because it digs deeper.
So deep that it will never leave.
The pain never departs from my soul.
And soon enough it always shows itself,
only long enough to scare away whoever dare try to fix its need for destruction.

My vengeful heart will never let you stay.

I remember the first time I saw you.
The image still lingers in my dreams.
The late summer sun radiating off your face,
your beautiful brown eyes captivating my entirety with such force.

I remember the first time I spoke to you,
My legs quivering in fear, and you were oblivious to my infatuation.

I remember the first time I kissed you,
The small sound you made, the smile on your face,
And you were unaware how much I longed for that moment to last.

I remember the first time you realized my heart was yours for the taking.
You told me I was brave, and I laughed in silence at my own terror.

I remember the first time I realized I love you.
I remember the exact moment.
I took hold of you, and kissed you like I never had before,
because I knew nothing could ever feel better than that precise moment.
And I let the memory prolong itself until I could see you again.
And as I watched the mountains roll by, alone, and lost,
I never lost sight of you. I never lost the image of your smile,
the sound of your voice, the feel of your touch.
The hope you made me feel. The safety, the fearlessness.
Because with you, I am never lost.
I am simply on a never ending road with a love so strong,
That I will never lose my way again.

You thrive over your ironic nature, your one true joy.
You find humor in others' misery.
The oppressor of the oppressed,
The killer of dreams unborn.

But did nature provide you with the biggest irony of them all?
For I am you and you are I.
And in my reflection I see the look in my eyes, in the eyes that are yours.

Repulsed by my own true self, I live in disguise.
For life in this masquerade is more bearable than the veracity beneath the masks .
More can be endured knowing that a disguise can fool the rest.

Yet you are never the fool, are you?
No, because where you stand is always the best for everyone,
and where the rest of us are is simple foolishness.
If it is not your bright opinion,
it is imprudent, it is brainless, it is deceitful.
Because clearly the world is too dense to survive against the mind that is yours.

In plain sight, you are the man that gives his all to provide for the rest.
Beneath it all, when the masks are stripped from the distressed,
all there is, is anguish in the dreams that never saw the light of day.
You killed it all.

So enjoy your triumph, you finally prevailed.
While the rest of us try to pull together whatever dignity lies behind the strangers,
and move past your loving paternal ways.

Nearly days have passed, yet it feels nearer to a lifetime.
Time has no meaning in your presence, for it is never wasted and cannot be measured.
And so your absence leaves distress within my heart.
Hours pass by, mocking me with their lethargic ways,
each second lingering more than the one before it.
They leave me restless, as I await the next moment I see you.
Because missing you is not simply just being without you.

I miss you as the moon and the stars miss the night sky,
and the flowers miss the Spring.

I miss you like the morning misses the dew,
and dreams miss the depth of a subconscious mind.

I miss you in more ways than the world can miss its existence.
But nothing will ever compare while time is in progression.

For time is now my greatest enemy,
and I invite its effortless defeat.
The moment your eyes meet mine,
and it stops directly in its ongoing path of sorrow.

Can't you see, that I am tired of starting over again?
Tired of starting somewhere new time after time?

I long for the unoriginal.
Give me the old, give me the outdated and the used.
Give me anything but the pristine, for that feeling is more overdone than any of it.
I no longer want the pure. I no longer want what is considered fresh.

You have been a friend of mine, a friend before a lover, a lover while a friend.
You have seen my scratches and my wounds in development.
You witnessed this faulty course of mine, and you watched me spoil in my steps.
I am damaged goods. A consistent imperfection.
And we went through the new-found appeal, the sinful temptation, time and time again.
We opened many books, reaching no further than the first chapter before setting them down again.
Never did we make it to the next part of the story.

The next stage after the original becomes a simple custom. A natural tendency.
I crave this routine. I ache for what I already know. My one true desire.

Because no matter how practiced we may seem,
you never seize to surprise me, and give me something new every day.
You know my weaknesses, my defects among the new models, yet here you stand.

I do not want fresh, no. I do not want brand new. Because you remain flawless, a true classic.
The shiny new toys, the ageless archetypes, none of those compare.

I want to grow along side you. I want to become the paradigm of a lasting survival.
I want to fix the defects so I can mend a new mold, a brand new version. The new to you.
Original, fresh, unmarked and undamaged. A new desire. And something worth your embrace.
To be the supreme prototype in your eyes, never out of date. And never to expire.

You kiss me while I’m down,
Kick me while I’m still standing.
You’ve got it all backwards,
You’re turning me upside down.

What do I have to do to stand upright?
Thinking on my feet is useless
When all the blood is rushing to my head.
So I keep my eyes on the ground, and I go on.

Legs to the clouds,
Head underground.
None of this makes sense.
None of this is ordinary.

Time is of no essence when you’re always looking down.
Never back, never forward, never right now.
You believe in your own perceptions,
And I am only what I can see from here.

To my savior,
the one who extracted me from the water
as I was drowning in a pool of misery,
And granted me the reminder that life still exists, and its beauty is not too far gone,
even as the feeling of death held its firm grasp around my heart.

My savior, who showed me my reflection from over the desolate water,
reminding me that I have been good all along.

Hardly any time has passed since I felt my veins flowing a thick blackness through my heart's chambers.
But now I bleed out all of the pain.
And I watch as the darkness turns to its natural state,
As the rest of the obscurities all just seem to disappear into the shadows,
interchanging themselves with a profound brightness.

I can see the illuminating sun reflecting off of the clear ocean,
away from the confinement of misery.
Its radiance gives me this warmth, this tenderness.
I lay my head back and close my eyes to take it all in.
And when I open them I see you, a glowing light around you as you walk my way.
And all I can hear is my heart beat faster, drowning out the sounds of the water,
drowning out what misery ever transpired.

I find comfort in the flow of the pulsation.
No longer so bleak, but vermilion.