there are four main symptoms
of post traumatic stress disorder
as defined by the government

1. Reliving The Event

in order to be taken into consideration,
you must have the shiny badge
labeling you as a veteran war hero
and then,
your brains are picked to pieces
in order to determine
your value to them

nightmares never go quite like people imagined
not all nightmares are rough, rude and jarring
some are sudden gasps
bed wetting and the shame
knowing if you close your eyes,
you'll see them over you,
poised and ready to spring

flashbacks, as well, may be soft
though they cut just as deeply
but to others,
you look tired
or as if you're daydreaming
(and you are,
but it's not all lilacs)

and his face,
his name,
sets you back twenty paces

2. Avoiding Situations

this is perhaps the most false
because with post traumatic,
there is no escaping
it is an inferno that spread
and left third degree burns
and these left pain
(and not just on yourself)

3. Negative Changes in Beliefs and Feelings

sweet words
for such ugly circumstances
no matter the trauma,
whether a bomb explosion,
an auto wreck,
or ****** abuse,
this leaves the most damage

no one mentions the fact
that in many cases of trauma,
it is often repressed
but the feelings remain,
(so, ten years later?
vague pieces?
half forgotten whispers?
yeah, that's why it's hard)
until they boil up and explode

there is something that changes,
somewhere, something snaps
and a part of you dies
while a hideous part blooms  

perhaps,
the most difficult part
is finding yourself valid
whether you are sixteen or sixty
you are valid

the memories may be hazy
and ill-fitting
but it happened
and there's no avoiding that

(i remember...

... partially)

4. Hyperarousal

scientific name for insomnia
for purple bags under bloodshot eyes
and nails bitten to the quick

(stop screaming,
you're making me nervous)

another failing grade,
and another, and another
until you fail the course
but your energy is sapped
from sleepless nights
so you don't care
(and you probably won't later)

jittery feet and flapping hands
not just in autism

the things they never talk about
is the cold, hard truth

that you may find yourself
ten feet into a bottle
or buried in a haze so thick,
it may as well be smog

and the phrase,
"pull yourself up by the bootstraps"
conjures a noose
wrapped around porcelain necks

no one speaks of the bumpy road
and how it is so **** hard to cope
because it is viewed as shameful
(lies)

or how they leave you,
because they cannot cope
(**** them)

the hardest part?
validation and acknowledgment
(it really happened,
and it's okay)