two summers ago we sat in dark hallways and you shined a flashlight through my palm and traced the veins that threaded my fingers. we kissed like children, with closed mouths and open eyes and searched for answers in the bottom of an orange bottle of pills. you wept the first time you tried to touch me and i flinched away because in the world i grew up, a hand laid on my skin became punishment. you faded away at the end of a rope after too many years of a heart that bled with the pain of someone much older, a sacrifice for the uncreated child you longed for and i was alone in the same hallways in which we used to brush hands

there was one hazy Sunday morning where I woke up and called the boy I loved and he asked me to marry him and I didn't know how to say no to men yet. 3 months later he whispered with his body tangled with mine while he thought I was lost in sleep that he was afraid that we'd be married for years and one day he'd wake up and I would be gone without a trace because I can't handle relationships and feelings and love and I grew up alone and I can't stop craving owning my own heart. I wanted to be owned body and soul but I couldn't let myself go without digging my claws in one last attempt at holding on to the only thing that will ever be mine. what you'll never understand is this: girls like me with tiger guts can't be conquered, no matter how much we want to. when the only constant in your life is a deep and abiding addiction to reliance on yourself, relationships become a secret battle of how much of your heart you can hide from your lover and pray they never shine on the darkest parts of you.
this is a letter to you: you, my first love, my empty-hearted lover, no longer my anything. my life has become intertwined with yours and I'm still learning to pick my story apart from yours. a letter of repentance, of forgiveness, of pleading. a letter to tell you that you were right and I never could have stayed in your life and your bed for a lifetime.
(never quite) yours & all the love I don't understand,
girl

a prayer for every broken heart
a prayer for every sob that threatens to fill your throat as your eyes betray the flood rising in your chest
a prayer for every stranger with track marks in their wasted forearms and eyes hollower than their stomachs
a prayer for the weak, a prayer for the helpless, a prayer for the strong
a prayer for every time he hit her and a prayer for every time she didn’t move an inch
a prayer for the blood on the thighs of a girl who was torn by a drunken frat boy who never learned to hear “no"
a prayer for every sin of the heart
amen

it was wednesday
was the first time i told you i loved you
my eyelashes fluttered against your cheekbones

it was wednesday
the first time i fell in love
your hands against mine
and you called me your queen
i laughed because i knew
we were 17 and love is an illusion
but it felt good anyway

it was sunday, actually
when my heart cracked and i told you
to never speak to me again
and i ******* meant it
your knuckles were white and your fists were red
but i was more afraid
of your heart than your hands

loving you felt like a fire that thawed me
but it was all i could do
to keep from screaming
when the ceilings began to collapse
and smoke poured from my mouth
pain feels good
but only for a second

it’s been months
almost a year now
i don’t know why i can’t get you out of me
you’re still in there somewhere
smoldering away and for me
it’s still a wednesday
and im telling you i love you