The warmth of the sun
The colors of the rainbow
The hope of a new day
Rushes through your veins

It’s quiet in the eye of the hurricane
Time stands still
The storm and winds can come
There’s nothing better than this moment

No words can express the wonder that you are
Unbroken, untouched by darkness
From this moment I knew
You’re my heart, beating, fervent and constant
You’re a breath of fresh air in my lungs
You’re my little piece of heaven

Nothing else seems to matter now
I will be with you in every step of the way
I will guide you, I will protect you
I will hold your hand, hold you close
I will make you fairy wings to fly
I will watch you run, I will catch you when you fall

I watch you sleep, peaceful in my arms
In a place where nightmares cannot touch you
Where love envelops you
Where all there is, is the warmth of the sun
You lead where you will, my love
And I will follow you…into the light

I’ve lied to everyone I know,
I’ve kept it all inside,
My damage doesn’t even show,
It became easier and easier to hide

You were different
You accepted me from the start
I couldn’t hide anything from you
No matter how hard I tried

You loved me when I am mad
You loved me when I am sad
You loved me when I cried
You loved me when I lost my mind

I know you love me with all of your heart
But I am sorry, I am so sorry
To have to lie to you now
And tell you that I don’t love you back

This paper is clean and pure
Just like your heart
My ink is dark and heavy
Just like my soul

Once splintered, cracks remain
No matter how you mend it
I refuse to mar your beautiful spirit
Make you bear the stain of my love

I love you too much for this.

Feeling at a loss, incomplete
An integral part of me, missing...

You, my darling, only you
You are the blood that rushes through my veins
You make my blood boil
That my body sings with pain and pleasure

You are my fantasy, my obsession
This distance rips me apart
For I am tethered to your side
Your half, your friend, your lover, your slave

Even this torture I will endure
As long as you are part of it
Even though you may reach the ends of the earth
I know you will find home in me

Love me, hurt me
The only way you know how
Holding nothing back, selfish and selfless
Insatiable

I can almost feel you, my love
The warmth of your breath
The pulse of your heart beating...

I cannot stay away, nor do I want to
You call out to me
You lure me in

I am but only human
I cannot fight these overwhelming feelings
I miss you so much it hurts...

You were there, just for me
Hot, steaming, full bodied
I just couldn't resist you
I could almost taste you...

I held you close
You melt the chill with your warmth
I inhale your essence
I wet my lips in anticipation

You scald my lips, but it doesn't matter
Your bittersweet flavor is delicious
I close my eyes, not minding the rain outside
I luxuriate in your comfort

For a moment, time stands still
No worries or distractions
A little escape into solitude and sweet serenity
Just me and my perfect cup of coffee

We met under a hopeless circumstance
But somehow, you seem so familiar
And yet it almost frightens me too..
What if I disappoint you?
What if I can't follow through?

While my words are sincere,
I know how words can hypnotize and enchant
How they enter some special place in the mind
Mixing with dreams and desires,
Distorting whatever the reality might be.

Be careful. Be cautious.
I don't, above all, ever want to hurt you or cause you pain.
I'm human and I have failings.
I'm afraid you might expect too much of me.
I worry that I might let you down.

And yet at the same time I say that,
I hunger for your words, for your love and your surrender.

Blessed is the heartache
That eroded your skin
To reveal your bleeding self beneath
With the other fears, of rejection, of physical pain,
Of losing your mind, of losing your eyes
Bleeding words, painting, making music

When the world suddenly turns upside down
You plunge deep to swim with the stars
You are not afraid of the darkness
Knowing it makes the light shine brighter
Proximate, Intimate, Infinite...
And when I taste your poetry, I kiss your name

Boy:  I saw her today
Girl:  I bumped into him earlier
Boy:  She's never looked better
Girl:  He still looks the same
Boy:  I couldn't stop staring at her
Girl:  He couldn't even look me in the eye
Boy:  I was happy to see her
Girl:  I felt awkwardness on his part
Boy:  I gave her a big smile
Girl:  He was being polite
Boy:  I asked her how she was
Girl:  It was just small talk
Boy:  I remembered the good times we had
Girl:  He's probably happier now
Boy:  I still love her
Girl:  He doesn't care for me
Boy:  I mean it
Girl:  He never meant it
Boy:  I want to see her again
Girl:  He's just saying that
Boy:  I want her back
Girl:  He's moved on
Boy:  I held her close, hoping she'll know
Girl:  He hugged me, then he let go
Boy:  I asked if I could call her later
Girl:  He said goodbye
Boy:  I lost her  
Girl:  I love him so much...

Seems like it's getting harder to believe in anything
Stirring and blurring, the truth and the lies
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
That I don't know what's real and what's not
That I can't trust myself anymore

Dancing around the stories we tell
I tell myself you're better off without me
My life isn't easy, and it hurts remembering
How it felt to shut down
How it felt to be utterly alone

Love is a ruthless game
I thought I had him all figured out
His misery was looking for some company and I was there
He showed me games I didn't want to play
I was a toy he left aside and threw away

I've never thought I'd get this far
When there's no one to help me now
Lost in all my troubled thoughts
Get along with the monsters under my bed
But my heart is full, I believe that there's hope buried underneath it all

So I went to find you, always find my way back to you
Just my luck...
Found something real that's out of touch
It might be selfish, but I don't dare let go
I just want to be by your side
If only these broken wings could fly

When she was 5
She drew a picture with the colors of the rainbow
It made everyone happy
Her teacher gave her a "star"
Her parents gave her a kiss
And tucked her in, warm and snug
Dreaming of fairies and princesses

When she was 15
She took a picture where everything was black and blue
It made everyone uncomfortable
Her teacher took her to the counselor
Her parents gave her punishment
She tucked herself in bed, with bruises and welts
And waited for the horrible nightmares to begin

When she was 25
She painted a scene where everything was gray and bleak
She didn't show it to anyone
But continued to see the counselor
Her boyfriend continued to beat her
She passed out in the living room, knocked out cold
With no dreams, nor nightmares to spare

Now she's 35
She wrote some words in red
Hoping for someone to finally see
She didn't visit the counselor, didn't take her medications
Life finally beat out all the fight in her
She saw herself covered in a sea of crimson
Warm fluid running down her wrists
Her vision began to blur
As she welcomes this final sleep

So here I am again, after all these years
Back when I last saw you
I left without looking back
I have changed in so many ways
Older, perhaps a bit wiser, but certainly different from the person you once knew
Time and space took care of that

I remember the first time I laid eyes on you
You seemed easygoing, unassuming...safe
You didn't seem like the type to hurt me
You didn't seem capable of destroying me

You ignored my warnings
You slipped through my defenses
You stole my heart, my soul, my spirit
You took me, and never let go

You held me as I struggled
For who could want someone like me?
Damaged, jaded, pushing you away
Daring you to go, to find someone else

I thought I didn't deserve you, you see
I would only taint you, I might change you
I was also afraid to get used to you and your love
Only to have a gaping hole when it's all gone

Still, you stayed, constant in your love
You didn't say much, but you showed me more
You made me believe that I could be worthy
You made me hope that this could last

Of course circumstance has its own cruel joke
My world came crashing down when I found out
When you told me, stoic and solid as ever
That you were terminal

You humbled me, made me feel so small
There was nothing to do but wait
No surgeries, no medicine, nothing I can do
Heaven won't even listen and give me a miracle

I'd die for you
If that would give you more time
You sadly smiled and squeezed my hand
Said "I'd rather you lived for me."

So here I am, where I last saw you
Where I laid you down in a casket
Where I left the best part of me
Holding on to my last breath until I see you again...

Something always brings me back to you
In a circle, It never takes too long...
A heart doesn't realize what it's missing
Until something or someone makes it whole again

And you hold me and you break me
You pull me in and you push me away
You say you need me then you leave me
You always kept me guessing, always unsure of my footing

I try to free myself from you
And I find I take two steps back
No matter what I say or do
I'm always drawn like a magnet to you

Do you love me because I'm fragile?
Even when I thought that I was strong
You've never made up your mind about me
And I lie to my heart, thinking that you felt it

Nothing haunts us like the things we didn't do or the things we didn't say...

I wanted to write a letter to my best friend, and realized I don't really have one. You know, that someone you've known all your life, someone you share your hopes, fears, secrets, and dreams with. Someone who knows and understands the real you, and accepts you for who you are. Someone you trust with your life... Well, I don't have that, although you are the closest one I have to that.

Remember the first time we talked? You were confident and brash. I was awkward and shy... I thought (and I still do) that you're the funniest, most interesting, and most genuine person I've ever met. As the years went by, the jokes we shared became second nature to me. But I always get this feeling that there are parts of you that are kept hidden and unreachable. I'm quite sure you've thought the same of me. Other times, when I am fortunate, you let me see a different side of you, I get a glimpse of just how brilliant you are... It takes my breath away and my heart constricts painfully.

There's a doubtful, insecure, and hurting side of me that I struggle to control, for fear of appearing weak and needy. I always felt that I was never good enough, for you or for anyone else. I'm a mess of self hate and dark thoughts, and I have to battle my demons each day. I do know that you try to help me overcome the things that I deal with... I want to heal, to be compassionate, forgiving, kind, and strong in spirit. I want to be brave and fearless, to venture to know every aspect of you. I want to be able to take risks, even accept being vulnerable. If only I'd stop hiding behind secrets and things I don't say, then maybe, just maybe, we could have a deeper sense of friendship that we crave from each other.

Sometimes I want to cry. Not the silent and controlled tears, but loud and unrestrained sobbing. I want to let out all the pent up pain and grief and rage inside. I want to cry for myself and for others, for the tragic and ugly things humanity has to suffer through. I want to cry until I've let everything out, until I'm spent and empty, ready to be filled again.

Other times I turn to you. For comfort, for reassurance, for a distraction. I hope dealing with me isn't too much of a burden for you. And selfish person that I am, I don't think I've ever done the same for you. I can be oblivious and dense at times. The other half, I don't want to overstep the boundaries we've set up. I wouldn't want to set your world on fire, even if I was being burned alive. But it doesn't mean that I don't care. On the contrary, you are so important to me that I am afraid of ruining whatever this is that we have. You'd tell me if you need me, right? Please know that if you call, I'd do everything in my power to be with you and anything I can to help you.

Still there are other times when I lie awake in bed in the wee hours of the morning when I wonder what it would be like to fall asleep in your arms...

I know that I'm lost and searching, and God knows when I will be at peace with myself, but I'm trying. I won't hope, because hope is a passive-aggressive son of a barnacle. Everything is amplified a thousandfold when hope is shattered and I'm left feeling alone and wretched, to pick up  the pieces. Instead I will believe, because believing will drive me further that hope ever could. It tethers me to something real, so I can wander but not get lost... That's the beauty of faith and belief, I guess. It gives me a sense of purpose, a direction. So I will hold on to my last scraps of strength with my whole being and believe. My life may be tough, but I'm tougher.

Please be patient with me, my darling.
Know that in a sea of people, my eyes will always look for yours.

It's 9 AM on a weekday
I'm going to play hooky and stay
Lounge on the bed like I have all day
Skin against the sheets, hair tumbling in waves

The smell of freshly brewed coffee with a hint of caramel
Awakens my senses and I stretch luxuriously
I see the source, a steaming cup of bliss
Delivered with a shy smile and a sweet kiss

You lead me by the hand
Out of your cabin in the woods
I find on a warm wooly blanket
Some china, silver, and crystal set for two

You start tickling me, like a devilish five year old
I retaliate with glee and abandon
Running around until we fall to the ground
The beating of our hearts, the only sound

We spend the afternoon talking and building dreams
Around us fall the red and golden leaves
Wishing for fireworks to light our clear sky
A magic shroud for where unicorns lie

We end the day with your head on my lap
My fingers through your hair as you take a nap
As I write a poem of what you mean to me
And this easy breezy day, just for you and me

I've been fighting for so long
I have shattered views and broken bones
Those closest to me
Hurt me the most, Burned me to the core

I smile, though I feel like dying
I'm frozen to the bones, still I keep on going
Shackled by my demons and fears
I hurt myself more than anyone could ever dream

You are the light to the dark side of me
The gates of Heaven could open with a single kiss
These emotions play with me dangerously
I would kneel at your feet, if it meant you'd love me

Even when the darkness subsides, shadows still remain
It's hard to believe you're not a phantasm...fleeting, then gone
The doubt coils around me, choking me
Its sick cadence infecting me, taunting me

I feel like I've known you all my life
Perhaps even before that...
I feel like we're meant to be together
Even though we're far apart

We walked alongside each other
Fingertips nearly touching
The silence envelops us...comfortable, warm, safe
The way I've always felt when I'm with you

You turned to me and made a funny face
For the first time I laughed freely and openly
And as your chocolate  gaze fell on mine
I knew you're what I've always wanted, it felt right

For it held patience, forgiveness, kindness
The way you have always cared for me
It held strength, resolution, and a promise
Something that I hoped was enough for you and me.

I held my breath in anticipation
As your lips met mine in a sweet melting of souls
I was mortal, and your kiss changed me
I reached upward to hold you close...


And clutching only cold air.

I'm bored and weary, at times on the brink of insanity
Being this way for the longest time
Feeling desolate, despondent, and lost
Feeling wretched and ****** at a cost

I am locked in this small space
Enough for just me
Not daring to scream out loud
As I whipped myself scarred

I long to break free from this cycle
This chokehold I'm in
I have no one else to depend on
I have to be brave enough for me

I long to feel the sugary sand under my feet
Fill my lungs with clean, fresh air
Sense the warm sun caressing my pale skin
To flourish, to thrive, to feel so alive

How long I have been frozen, I couldn't tell
I know I should stand on my feet
Take a step, perhaps two
Keep going, even if I stumble and fall

The door is open, inviting and alluring
Can I do it? Can I make it?

I had wanted to write
About happy times
Something cheery and bright
Perhaps even inspirational

Sadly I seem to be blocked
My train of thought stopped
Feels like hitting my head
Against a concrete wall

Happiness, happiness...
The thing that comes to my mind
Is you, and only you
And since I don't have you anymore,
How can I possibly write of happiness now?

"We accept the love we think we deserve..."

Plunging feet first, head last
Immersing myself completely in your atmosphere
Impulsive,bold, and open
With no reservations, no pride
All caution thrown to the wind

A meeting of minds that are attuned perfectly to each other
A melting of kindred souls
The thrill of my falling into your gravity
My lover, my precious.
How do you make me burn for you?

A passionate combustion, a sweet torture
An illicit warmth, an aching pain
There is a longing, a desire so strong it is almost palpable
A longing to be close, to touch and be touched
To find meaning and warmth in another's embrace

You make my heart melt, You set me on fire.
I drink the soul from your mouth,
All your pleasure and pain and everything you feel.
I won't let you go until I have it.
Taking your anger, your rage, your hurt
Turning it into an apology, a pardon, a penance

And when my heart is sated, I take you in my arms,
I hold you close and kiss you and tell you what you mean to me,
Kiss your lips and eyes till you fall asleep,
Knowing tomorrow is another day for us.

This is not an escape
Nor is this my surrender
This is my happy ever after
If only you were here

When I was lost and broken
You found and made me whole again
When I felt I couldn't go on
You proved the strength I had in me

But now I'm sinking,
Hanging only by a thread
Let me crash and burn
Let me fall for you

Please, please turn around
Give me a reason to let go
We can make it last forever
If only you were here

...Out here on my own
But I know I'm not alone
Your spirit lives on in me
I just wish you were here

It is the secret fear of being unlovable that isolates me
Of not finding it
Of not recognizing it
Of not being deserving of it
Of not being capable of it

It paralyzes me at that precise point between sleep and wakefulness
Digging its talons into me
Keeping me captive at that area where dreams dissolve into nightmares
Whispering its rabid venom
Consuming me, driving me to near madness

I cannot recall at what point I actually awaken
It's realism disorients me
The fear stays with me, just beneath my skin
Wanting, waiting...always just waiting
My lover... My monster

This is the last tear I would shed for you
I don't have any tears left in me anymore
The depths of my pain go beyond crying
Aching and throbbing as I bled

All I wanted was a little kindness
A little compassion, a little acknowledgement
It was a mistake on my part
To even consider you capable of any

You told me  I was worthless
A waste of time, A waste of oxygen
You repeated it like a mantra
Cursing my existence
Until I, too, believed it to be true

You were systematic in your hatred
You abused my body, my mind, my soul
You attacked me incessantly until I shattered
Now an empty, broken vessel of the person I once was

You cannot hurt me any more than this
You've taken all I have and more
I have nothing else to lose
I simply don't care anymore

So I close my eyes, and let go
Of the final breath I had been holding onto
As I welcomed the cold night, the darkness
...


...I hope I've finally made you happy now.

I think it's time to let go, to finally move on
Our conversations have long since become awkward
The silence has been deafening for quite awhile
We have become different people, strangers with a shared past
But before I go, I just want to let you know...

That it always felt like home with you
That with you, I feel like the person I want to be
Instead of who I am right now
That you give me hope, despite all I've been through
That you make me appreciate life, when waiting for death is all I've known

I will give you a smile and embrace you
Wish you a good life, one that you deserve
As I learn to stand on my own feet and weather the storm alone
Maybe stumbling, maybe falling, but moving on, always moving on
All the while just trying to make sense of it all

...yet when I'm alone at night, teardrops fall as I yearn for you once more
...wondering if you miss me like I've always missed you

She is master of the game,
aggressive, fearless, confident
It was simple black and white
She always triumphed, never slowed down
She is master of the game.

"This streak can't last forever,"
" If something can go wrong, it will go wrong," they would say
But she was smart, skilled, and driven,
A dangerous combination
Failure never even crossed her mind, let alone her consideration

Challenges excited her, she lived for the thrill, the adrenaline rush
This was the one thing she was good at
The rest of her life may go to hell
She may be able to give up everything else
But this was her passion, her vocation, her calling

She thought she was invincible

... She wasn't.

She was humbled by a little soul, born too young, too soon
She wanted to be his champion
To fight for his life
She did everything by the book and more
Countless procedures, sleepless nights, fitful dreams tormented her
All so she could give him one more day, one more breath

He fought valiantly as well
He exceeded all expectations
He proved the tests wrong
He made her hope that another success was coming
That the dawn was fast approaching

No one saw it coming
He succumbed after 6 weeks
Six grueling weeks of punishment
Maybe he was just tired of fighting
Maybe it was something she overlooked
Maybe there was something more she could have done

Maybe, maybe, maybe...
The venom of that single word coursed through her veins
"You did everything you could," they said
Then why, why must he pay with his life?
Why was it that, if she did everything right, this was the result?

Why was she the one alive?
When every breath she took reminded her of the one he lost
When losing at the game meant a life lost, a future destroyed?
When defeat meant grief, suffering, and pain?

Maybe she wasn't master of the game after all...

I like your wit, your charm
I like the way you think
I like our conversations, our banter
I like our like-mindedness...
It's the perfect base for a friendship
You had me appreciating each and every moment together
And I kept coming back for more

Our lives couldn't have been more different
Our worlds couldn't have been more apart
But something in you resonated with me
You listened to the words I said... especially the ones I didn't
You understood, without having to be told
You made me feel like I wasn't alone
That deep down we were the same

Through my pain, through the ache
You were my one constant
You made me believe that I was worthy
That I was so much more
You showed me that I can be strong
That the future doesn't have to be so bleak
You gave me faith... You gave me hope

Your words speak to me
They reverberate with something deep inside me
It goes beyond the superficial layer
Touching a part of me I didn't know existed
I pushed you away at first, too afraid of this connection
But you make me want,
You make me feel...

I am falling in love with your words
I am falling in love with your mind
I am falling in love with your soul
If your whole is greater than the sum of these parts...
Perhaps, I am falling in love with you too

Unable to rest, tossing and turning
It's past midnight and it's raining
Troubled mind filled with thoughts of you
And of a love that I once knew

I remember it like it was yesterday
I said I needed a break, just for a while
I walked away without you knowing why
When I said "break" I really meant goodbye

I am haunted by the things left unsaid
You were the one, my only
The timing wasn't right, you see
The person that I was wasn't ready for you

I've made my decision then, I've made my bed
My heart is in turmoil for the choice I've made
I won't fall apart, I can't fall apart
(Oh, God!)
You've destroyed me...

I tried to stay away but I cannot forget
I love you...so much, and more
I never got over it, I cannot get over it
I don't have the strength to resist you anymore

I'd leave all this just to get you back
But I'm stuck, reliving it over and over again
Hoping you could hear me
Hoping you'd give me another chance
Hoping that when the daylight comes
It'll lead me back into your arms
Where you make every pain I went through
Worth it, just to be with you

In an alternate reality
In another time, another place
In another circumstance
You'd still be part of my life

You'd share my happiness
Partake of my sadness
Be with me in times of boredom
Hold my hand during my bouts of madness

When I felt worthless
Remember what you told me,
That I was the best in everything that mattered
You made me feel golden

Now there's only emptiness
Only cold and numbness within...
It's not as bad as it seems
It only hurts when I breathe

I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough
I'm sorry I wasn't brave enough
I hope you know what you mean to me
I hope you feel that I think of you
Do you miss me, like I miss you?

My car is parked, my bags are packed
Yet my heart chooses to look back
Facing the shadows of the past,
The ghost of a man,
And a love I shouldn't carry anymore

Should have seen it coming
But you kept me guessing
Until your lies became my truth
Still my heart burns for someone,
Apparently the wrong one

I told myself to let the story end
That my heart would someday belong to someone better
But when you said "Darling..."
It's a vicious little word that slays me
Keeping me from walking away

I came undone
It hurt me more to leave you
When all I wanted was to love you
Perhaps one day, I will be okay
Have the strength to finally end this

...just not today.

A long while ago, I thought I would do great things
Be a person of significance
Able to change the world
Invincible

Funny how Life humbled me with her sisters
As Circumstance is a partner to be danced with,
Murphy, my shadow, stalking my every move
And Failure, though not fatal, left me bruised and scarred

I now see myself without rose-colored glasses
Perfectly imperfect
A puppet, bending over backwards, allowing myself to be manipulated by my three companions
Feigning indifference to every heartache I've felt

Invincible me was shattered...
That's the thing with destroying something,
You can't piece it back perfectly
No matter how much you will it

My reflection taunts me each day
An imitation of how I wanted me to be
I'm just as confused, just as scared, just as insane as the next person
Just one in billions of souls trying to soldier on

And soldier on... And soldier on...
Wishing and hoping and praying
That I become stronger, braver, better
I'm not done yet, I'm not done for

Not perfect, but not hopeless either.

It's over... just like that
Two little words that you dropped so easily
How could it be so simple for you
To give up and walk away?

All I wanted was your heart
To allay my fears and calm me down
Yet it's the one thing you couldn't give me
Because you weren't capable of loving

I am devastated and overwrought
I need you to shake me
Or wrap your arms around me
Holding me together, holding nothing back

But you were distant and aloof
In full control of your faculties
In full disregard as I cried
Not needing anyone, not even me

Where does this leave us in the aftermath?
I am still feverish with passion for you
You are still cold with indifference
How do I get over you, over us?

Here you stand alone with your thoughts
Not believing you could be whole again
You try to tell yourself that you're okay
Deep down inside, you don't believe what you say

You feel that perhaps it's too late
Scared that somehow, someone will find you
Break you, watch you bleed
Then leave you behind to pick up the pieces

It's going to be a long, long night
It's going to be darker than it should
The bleakest of seasons , a time for tears
Colder until the morning light appears

Please don't hide away
Follow your heart, don't be afraid
Think of what could be, what would be
If you'd rewrite the role that you play

I believe you've got what it takes
You're magical, beautiful, incredible
I know that you're much stronger than you let on
I know you're brave enough to get through this

I will be waiting for you on the other side
Out of the dark, out of the rain
Where it's almost paradise...
I'll be waiting to be with you again.

Take me to Neverland
Let me be lost forever
Where I can fly away
Go on an adventure or two
Not caring if I am missed or not
I'm better off never knowing...
Than having someone strum my heartstrings
Until it breaks
Leaving me to pick up the pieces

I've been slapped, hit, and kicked by life
Several times over
Until I kneeled in surrender
Exhausted, defeated, empty

I don't even recognize myself anymore
Bruised and battered, Sore and bleeding
In pain, in so much pain...
the depths of which I cannot comprehend anymore

You tell me I must stand on my own
That I should fight back
That I can walk away
If only I wanted to

I do, I really do want to be free of this hell I'm in
It's just that...It's been like this for as long as I could remember
I am frightened that I may not know how
I am terrified to fail, and suffer the repercussions

I look in the mirror and see
Haunted, sad eyes, filled with the past
Never hoping for a better tomorrow
A prisoner in my own skin

I have nothing to offer you, no promises to be made
This is me...imperfect, damaged, maybe beyond redemption
But please don't give up on me, please be patient with me
You're my little piece of perfect in my messy life

I pray for strength, I pray for courage
I pray to God to make all the pain go away
But I think, that I may be able to endure
As long as I have you with me.

I'm just missing you tonight
As the rain beats its staccato rhythm
I just wish you were beside me
Warm, comforting...home

In this minute that is neither night nor day
I wonder how you are, so far away
That I cannot touch you or hold you close
That we cannot even share the same moon

It's selfish, I know, that I miss you because...
You make me stronger, braver
You make me feel, you make me hope
You make me love myself a little more

I'm selfish, I know...
I wonder if you feel my thoughts
If you're thinking of me too
If...

Birthdays are times for festivities, for being with family and friends. For me, it's a lonely time. Again, I'm spending it at the hospital. You tend to get this feeling that you are surrounded by so many people, colleagues, nurses, patients... yet you feel so alone... Still, the impromptu party we had more than made up for the loneliness. SOOO many food, the colorful wrappers and the gifts inside, the bantering and bickering, as well as funny stories and reminiscing... It's amazing how people cope, and end up feeling  celebratory.

...Then a woman comes, just about to give birth, and in 30 seconds, party's over and we deliver a baby girl...

I stare at the baby I hold in my arms. It's a blessing to be given the honor, the opportunity to see new life unfold, to see the first gulp of air, hear the first ***** cry, have this moment when she looks in my eyes and I have this feeling that she can SEE me... For a second, it's just me and my baby, before the cooing from the parents, before the cord is clamped, and I give her to the pediatrician.

Thay say that we doctors save lives. Sometimes, the patients save ours...

I felt torn between the past and the future. Looking at old pictures while I was back in med school, I miss the way life was so much simpler then. You wake up, grab a cup of coffee, attend classes, go to lunch with friends and hear the latest hospital gossip, attend more classes (while pretending NOT to be asleep), then simply hang out before going home. There was a sense of freedom in the predictability and simplicity of life. Then, it was okay to goof off once in a while.

Now, I face responsibilities, expectations, and the unpredictable. A mistake can lead to consequences I dare not think about. My nights are filled with fitful dreams... I have changed, and so have my friends of long ago. We are separated not only by space, but also by the hurried pace of our lives, our jobs, our families, and the people we have become.

I have never felt more lonely or alone than today...

Then a small surprise, I receive a message from a friend I haven't heard from in years. Words of support and encougement in a couple of sentences. Just what I needed. Serendipity, coincidence, or fate? Imagine, me, hanging on to a couple of sentences written by a person half a world away!

As usual, my thoughts have run away with me. Perhaps I needn't worry so much. If a hapless **** can grow in the most unfriendly circumstance, then perhaps I, too, can brave my way through all this.

How touching it is that we send our loved ones pictures of ourselves. It's as if we want them to see what we're giving them: our presence, our physical selves. We can't, at this distance, give them our hearts and our emotions. We cannot give them our touch and our kiss. We can only send them these promises, these offerings. It's all we have to give until that time we can give them everything else.

It's Fathers's Day and it makes me think about parents in general. About how they are wired into loving this mass of cells, a parasite, if you think about it strictly by definition, from the moment of conception. Labor and delivery are punishing to go through for the couple; moments of excruciating pain, with the loss of blood, sweat, and tears. And still, just a single cry from the source of all that pain, somehow brings happiness and a feeling of peace in them.

They are only human. They make mistakes. Not everything they do is right, but they mean well. There will be always be rules meant to be broken, battles meant to be lost, unjust punishments, and hurtful words.

I just want you to know that you are appreciated, despite of....because of...

If only I knew how it would end
If only I was certain of how you felt
If only you believed what I said
And if only when I tried to fix things, they became better

If I knew how to show my feelings
If I knew how to make you believe
If I knew how to make you happy
And if I knew how to make you feel loved

If letting you know how I felt didn't cause me to be numb
If making you believe didn't make me a liar
If making you happy didn't leave me sad
And if making you feel loved didn't make me alone

Things would have never reached this point
No one would ever blame you for not caring
No one would blame me for not thinking
Maybe you and I would be better than this

"I don't think about you"
Even when your mere name makes my heart ache
Even when I wonder how you are
Even when every little thing reminds me of you

"I don't miss you"
Even when I wanted to talk you each day
Even when I see you in my dreams
Even when I wish I was with you instead of someone else

"I don't need you"
Even when the sound of your voice makes it hard for me to breathe
Even when I lie awake at night needing comfort
Even when it's painful to keep myself from you

It's the only way I can protect myself
From falling for you any further
I might crash and burn
I might never recover...

So I put my heart aside
Try to go on living without you
Do you even think of me sometimes?
Do I even matter, or am I just an afterthought?

Water pours down in a torrent
Hot and scalding
Thawing the chill in my body
Melting the ice in my heart

Little drops like a thousand little fists
Beating out the day from me
Beating out this dull ache
that is my constant companion

Water nourishes my parched spirit
Floodgates open and wash my tears
As my sins and lies flow down
Circle the drain and cease to exist

I close my eyes, let the sensations take over
This warm, wet embrace
A cleansing of body, mind, and soul
Making me whole again

Living is easy with eyes tightly shut
A suit of armor all around
Walls built ten feet high
Where no one can touch me, hurt me, destroy me

It's hard to remember the people we used to be
You once told me that I'm beautiful
But in every silver lining, there is a cloud
I'm not perfect, I'm hardly worth it

Now you tell me I'm a victim
Salvation is just within my reach
All I have to do is try harder
It isn't working, it isn't working...

Turn around and walk away
Don't look back, don't go astray
There's nothing left here that you want to see
The things I've done are far too ugly

You push me, You make me nervous
The sound of your voice makes it harder for me to breathe
Go easy, don't rush me
Do I deserve any of this at all?

I can't fight this anymore
The darkness is creeping in
Just hold me and keep me calm
Just stay with me a little while longer

I can't fight you anymore
I'll take what I can get
Even if you fake this
Even if you hurt me in the end
I'll take what I can get...

Phases of faces, captured moments and instances
I pass by, so swiftly, so fleetingly
Caught in the crossroads of paradigms and decisions
I stood paralyzed, terrified.

I meet intense eyes that bore through me, knowing me, knowing us
A smile as warm as the sun that has the power to melt me
Your presence is strong, comforting…strong, unsettling…strong, terrifying
You have me without even trying, you mesmerize me.

You bring me to my knees with a sigh,
you can crush me with a word.
You can bring me to bliss with a touch,
you can bring me to ecstasy with a kiss.

You command me with a whisper, I am drawn to you
You break down my china walls, one by one
You undress my layers of failed expectations
Of shattered dreams, and broken hearts

I stand before you, naked, vulnerable
I look away, not bearing for you to see
My helplessness, my hopelessness
All my imperfections, my fears, my desires.

You wipe my tears away, and kiss my bitterness away
And yet the fear descends on me…I’ve been here before
Fear of hurt, of betrayal, of disappointment
Fear that this is all an illusion…or perhaps just my delusion

And so I put on a smile, cool and composed
Hide behind my fast-paced life, run far away from you
Going so fast, so fast…so I won’t think, I won’t feel
Until I fall, exhausted, to sleep a dreamless sleep

I need the noise, the meaningless clanging
For in silence, the longing creeps in…
To be in your arms, just us and nothing else…
Nothing but warmth and the sound of our hearts beating.

So I welcome the numbness, welcome the pain
Punish myself for the choice I’ve made in my weakness
Someday I will find my happiness, someday I will find my strength
Somehow…I will find you again.

You crept up to me
Stealthily, silently
Occupying my mind
My dreams, my desires
Taking my heart
Unnoticed, unaware
Making me yours
Completely, entirely.

You say you like my smile, my laugh,
The way my eyes sparkle,
My cheerfulness, my optimism
My energy similar to an Energizer bunny

Sunny, funny, quirky me
Life is a party, life is a beach
Look beyond the smile, that infectious grin
Do you dare to see what's underneath?

A multitude of scars, my testament to pain
A muffled scream of panic and fear
Tears in my eyes, mirrors of grief
Blood rushing through my veins, my struggle to live

Black and blue,
Sore and battered
From nightmares and dreams
Failures and triumphs

Do you see me now?
Or do you see things you don't want to see?
Is it such a horrible sin?
To be honest and free?

Come and see me
Sing me to sleep
Come and free me
Just hold me close tonight

I know there aren't any monsters under my bed
But there are many of those in my mind
Just waiting to bring havoc and pain
Distorting my perception of reality

You always bring me comfort
In every little thing you do
Stay with me a little while longer
Stay until I see you in my dreams

I reach out to someone I cannot see
Longing for some form of connection
Wanting some sort of warmth
Adoring you from afar
  
You are my moon
A part of you always hidden
A part of you untouchable
Forever out of reach

I want to know you, to understand you
But I don't want to change you
For my heart has eyes and is not blind
I see you, and I love you just the way you are

Life is too short for me to be afraid
Of falling or catching fire
I'll allow myself to be open
To experience joy, sadness, passion, heartache, contentment
At this hour, which is neither night nor day
I promise myself to be brave, be strong, be true
And let you know each day
Even though I cannot be by your side
That you are cherished, that you are loved

I sit across from you
Holding my breath
Searching your face
Your eyes
For a sign

I have laid my cards at the table
Without any apology
Holding nothing back
Leaving myself
At your mercy

You can get up and walk away,
Stare me down into submission,
Hold my hand in empathy,
Or embrace me in acceptance
I am defenseless, vulnerable...

I waited for you...
While the clock ticks
It's steady, lifeless beat
Drumming in my head

I waited for you...
Maybe you forgot
Perhaps you've been hurt
Which would've been worse?

My heart skipped a beat when I finally saw you
The man of my dreams,  then and now
I was just about to tell the girl beside me that you’re my life
But she spoke first, “I’m his wife.”

I pretended to be deaf when I heard you.
I pretended to be blind when I saw the two of you.
I tried not to get hurt when I was supposed to.
Seeing you both, I hoped that I was the one with you.

I wish I'd never met you
I wish you’ve never been so sweet
I wish you weren’t too special
I wish you never became my world.
I wish I didn’t love you.
The problem is I do.

I wish I could write
Of beauty and perfection
Of the sheer power of your eyes
That takes my breath away

I wish I could write
Of happiness and peace
Of the comfortable bliss
Of coming home in your arms

I wish I could write
Of love and affection
Of what you make me feel
Of what you mean to me

My words are sorely lacking
Never enough to tell you
That being with you is exquisite and exhilarating
That you light up my life in every way
And I love you with my entire being