Water pours down in a torrent
Hot and scalding
Thawing the chill in my body
Melting the ice in my heart

Little drops like a thousand little fists
Beating out the day from me
Beating out this dull ache
that is my constant companion

Water nourishes my parched spirit
Floodgates open and wash my tears
As my sins and lies flow down
Circle the drain and cease to exist

I close my eyes, let the sensations take over
This warm, wet embrace
A cleansing of body, mind, and soul
Making me whole again

So here I am again, after all these years
Back when I last saw you
I left without looking back
I have changed in so many ways
Older, perhaps a bit wiser, but certainly different from the person you once knew
Time and space took care of that

I remember the first time I laid eyes on you
You seemed easygoing, unassuming...safe
You didn't seem like the type to hurt me
You didn't seem capable of destroying me

You ignored my warnings
You slipped through my defenses
You stole my heart, my soul, my spirit
You took me, and never let go

You held me as I struggled
For who could want someone like me?
Damaged, jaded, pushing you away
Daring you to go, to find someone else

I thought I didn't deserve you, you see
I would only taint you, I might change you
I was also afraid to get used to you and your love
Only to have a gaping hole when it's all gone

Still, you stayed, constant in your love
You didn't say much, but you showed me more
You made me believe that I could be worthy
You made me hope that this could last

Of course circumstance has its own cruel joke
My world came crashing down when I found out
When you told me, stoic and solid as ever
That you were terminal

You humbled me, made me feel so small
There was nothing to do but wait
No surgeries, no medicine, nothing I can do
Heaven won't even listen and give me a miracle

I'd die for you
If that would give you more time
You sadly smiled and squeezed my hand
Said "I'd rather you lived for me."

So here I am, where I last saw you
Where I laid you down in a casket
Where I left the best part of me
Holding on to my last breath until I see you again...

I felt torn between the past and the future. Looking at old pictures while I was back in med school, I miss the way life was so much simpler then. You wake up, grab a cup of coffee, attend classes, go to lunch with friends and hear the latest hospital gossip, attend more classes (while pretending NOT to be asleep), then simply hang out before going home. There was a sense of freedom in the predictability and simplicity of life. Then, it was okay to goof off once in a while.

Now, I face responsibilities, expectations, and the unpredictable. A mistake can lead to consequences I dare not think about. My nights are filled with fitful dreams... I have changed, and so have my friends of long ago. We are separated not only by space, but also by the hurried pace of our lives, our jobs, our families, and the people we have become.

I have never felt more lonely or alone than today...

Then a small surprise, I receive a message from a friend I haven't heard from in years. Words of support and encougement in a couple of sentences. Just what I needed. Serendipity, coincidence, or fate? Imagine, me, hanging on to a couple of sentences written by a person half a world away!

As usual, my thoughts have run away with me. Perhaps I needn't worry so much. If a hapless **** can grow in the most unfriendly circumstance, then perhaps I, too, can brave my way through all this.

Birthdays are times for festivities, for being with family and friends. For me, it's a lonely time. Again, I'm spending it at the hospital. You tend to get this feeling that you are surrounded by so many people, colleagues, nurses, patients... yet you feel so alone... Still, the impromptu party we had more than made up for the loneliness. SOOO many food, the colorful wrappers and the gifts inside, the bantering and bickering, as well as funny stories and reminiscing... It's amazing how people cope, and end up feeling  celebratory.

...Then a woman comes, just about to give birth, and in 30 seconds, party's over and we deliver a baby girl...

I stare at the baby I hold in my arms. It's a blessing to be given the honor, the opportunity to see new life unfold, to see the first gulp of air, hear the first ***** cry, have this moment when she looks in my eyes and I have this feeling that she can SEE me... For a second, it's just me and my baby, before the cooing from the parents, before the cord is clamped, and I give her to the pediatrician.

Thay say that we doctors save lives. Sometimes, the patients save ours...

Boy:  I saw her today
Girl:  I bumped into him earlier
Boy:  She's never looked better
Girl:  He still looks the same
Boy:  I couldn't stop staring at her
Girl:  He couldn't even look me in the eye
Boy:  I was happy to see her
Girl:  I felt awkwardness on his part
Boy:  I gave her a big smile
Girl:  He was being polite
Boy:  I asked her how she was
Girl:  It was just small talk
Boy:  I remembered the good times we had
Girl:  He's probably happier now
Boy:  I still love her
Girl:  He doesn't care for me
Boy:  I mean it
Girl:  He never meant it
Boy:  I want to see her again
Girl:  He's just saying that
Boy:  I want her back
Girl:  He's moved on
Boy:  I held her close, hoping she'll know
Girl:  He hugged me, then he let go
Boy:  I asked if I could call her later
Girl:  He said goodbye
Boy:  I lost her  
Girl:  I love him so much...

You say you like my smile, my laugh,
The way my eyes sparkle,
My cheerfulness, my optimism
My energy similar to an Energizer bunny

Sunny, funny, quirky me
Life is a party, life is a beach
Look beyond the smile, that infectious grin
Do you dare to see what's underneath?

A multitude of scars, my testament to pain
A muffled scream of panic and fear
Tears in my eyes, mirrors of grief
Blood rushing through my veins, my struggle to live

Black and blue,
Sore and battered
From nightmares and dreams
Failures and triumphs

Do you see me now?
Or do you see things you don't want to see?
Is it such a horrible sin?
To be honest and free?

Feeling at a loss, incomplete
An integral part of me, missing...

You, my darling, only you
You are the blood that rushes through my veins
You make my blood boil
That my body sings with pain and pleasure

You are my fantasy, my obsession
This distance rips me apart
For I am tethered to your side
Your half, your friend, your lover, your slave

Even this torture I will endure
As long as you are part of it
Even though you may reach the ends of the earth
I know you will find home in me

Love me, hurt me
The only way you know how
Holding nothing back, selfish and selfless
Insatiable

I can almost feel you, my love
The warmth of your breath
The pulse of your heart beating...

I cannot stay away, nor do I want to
You call out to me
You lure me in

I am but only human
I cannot fight these overwhelming feelings
I miss you so much it hurts...