I mean what is the great thing anyway, an amazing friend told me, " it gets your mind off things." that may be true but those things that are getting pushed away by the business are just going to keep coming back and theyll never go away until i do something and i can only think of one thing that i can do and im afraid to o that so the things wont be going away any time soon. I guess it does give you temporary relief from something that can consume every ounce of your being jus by thinking. wow this made no sense at all im sorry. later alligators. ;)

why is there a stereotype in which guys are supposed to be manly and girls are supposed to be girly, and before i get into that i must ask what does manly and girly even mean and why must we make them gender specific roles. Manly is supposed to describe someone who is strong and brave and built and ****, yet it is meant for guys only like why cant a girl be brave and strong and built. Girly is used to describe girls who are small and cute and makeup and pretty and quaint, yet it is only supposed to be used for girls, if a guy wants to be anything defined under that word is ridiculed for being different, but what in the **** do you think gives you the right to say that the way someone acts or dresses or looks makes them weird or an outcast, if a guy likes to wear dresses and make up that doesnt take away from his value as a human and if you say it does go **** yourself because i dont want your opinion here. And another thing. How The **** can you think for a second that someones ****** preference can make them less than human or even below you, because there are 7,000,000,000+ people in the world and if you think anyone is any more insignificant than you, you are literally to stupid to insult. i used to be a huge homophobe and was totally for gender roles, but ive realized my opinions were oppressing someones happiness and that is not okay. i hope that everyone can forgive me for my past self and warmly embrace my new me. have a great morning.

this was the first goodnight. i wrote that last bit for her, bt she was to tired to read it. i understand completely and its perfectly fine, but it still hurt... i cant really say i expected her to be all super upbeat about talking to me anyways so i feel like this was a long belated goodnight. She was asleep when i finished it, i should of just let her sleep, but no i had to wake her up i had to bother her like always. i know i annoy her a lot and that she probably didn't want to talk to me but, she was only doing it to be polite. I'm listening to stolen dance - Milky chance, its 4:37 am, i have to drive for 7 hours two the beach and I'm leaving in 3 hours. i haven't slept in 35 hours. i don't know how I'm going to do it. that had nothing to do with anything but i felt like that'd be something good to say. idk why I'm dumb. I'm useless. id be better off dead. i wish i never meet people that way i wouldn't get attached and i wouldn't get hurt when i mess things up. i hate myself. i wonder if i can make pancakes without waking anyone up. why the **** am i here? what is the meaning of life? 42!!!. shut the **** up. I'm tired of annoying people. what is the worst part about me? whats the best part? is there a good part? why can't i hide my emotions like everyone else? why is everyone so rude to each other? Why are ******, gay, stupid, ugly, ******* used in everyday vocabulary of teenagers and adults like how old do you have to be to understand that using word to spread hate is not going to get you anywhere in life and thats not okay.      I hate goodbyes. the main reason is because you never know if it is actually the last time you'll ever talk to or see that person again. the worst part about them i hate is what if you don't get to say goodbye what if you were die without saying goodbye. or how you never said goodbye you jus stopped talking to me and left me to wonder what i did to deserve it knowing completely that its because I'm a terrible person who doesn't deserve to speak to someone as amazing as you. **** I'm hungry. I want Taco Bell right ow, id get a number 6 ( two steak chalupas a soft beef taco and a baja blast freeze)that order makes me happy. i like being happy, i don't know why i don't do it more often. maybe its because i cant look in the mirror without thinking there is nothing good about me. i like how i could **** myself knowing very well that people would miss me and people would cry at my funeral. I don't know how the **** i got here from goodbye. you said goodnight i said bye. you don't love me, i never stopped. I'm sorry i do i cant help it. we used to love each other, a lot, and i wish that never changed. i want this to be as long as possible but i also want this to be over. i will do my best to never do wrong by you, but you know that wont happen. in listening to Bad *** - kid ink, its 4:57 am. i need to sleep but i cant. i'm sorry for everything I've ever done to you you never deserved anything i ever.

Im depressed. Im lost while sailing in a sea of dark thoughts and my ship is filling up with water. shes not really paying attention to me which is okay cause its the begining of something that might last but it also might fail miserably sending me into a farther downward spiral into depression and comptenplating suicide but thats normal for me. im not tired in the sense of sleep, i am tired of hating myself and being hated on by every single person in the world even though you havent forgotten the little things but at the same time i feel like we dont know each other in the slightest. that makes me sad and i hope i dont say the wrong thing before i get the chance to know you again.

**** the word whatever its a terrible word. i hate it because people only say its whatever when things are wrong and i dont think people should sugar coat things, if something is wrong just say it, especially if its with me im always here to talk no matter who you are what youve done in your past i am here to talk if you ever need to talk. i am a huge hypocrite to this though. i always say its whatever to cover u being really disappointed, or sad about something. if every one just said what was wrong instead of trying to hide it, the world would be a much better place.

I just put new contacts in so it makes it look like i was crying but i swear its just the contacts. i don't even like crying anyways, and its not that its unmanly cause thats ******* ******* I've seen some of the toughest moherfuckers in the world break down and sob so if you say its not okay for guys to go **** yourself with a cactus because thats like saying its not okay to express feelings and emotions and i used to think that and i know how wrong i was. But besides all that crying *****. like really it is worse than stubbing your toe and splitting the toenail. id much rather be happy and smiling but hey life is life and i cant change how others react and that doesnt make sense im sorry. goodbye thanks to anyone who actually read this.

I'm still sitting here but this time I'm able to write I can say things that don't invoke emotion or lack of it. I can keep a decent convo and i am saying things that are well thought out and meaningful (I think), yet I can't get over the overwhelming cloud of depression hanging over my head. This is all I've wanted to happen for the past month+ yet I feel like it's wrong like it's some kind of weird taboo, we're FaceTiming now, I'm rambling this is bad. **** me. **** me to the lowest circle of hell. I think I'm going to write a lot tonight.