"it's been almost a year,"
that's what they always say
as an effort to help me forget about you.

but it's been almost a year,
and i think i'm missing you again
and i know i swore to myself
that i'd stop writing about you,
but not enough shreds and scribbles
can erase the fact that to this day
you're still my muse,
you're still the only reason i have
to keep writing,
to this day, you're still here.

maybe you're drowning
in the ink of all my pens,
maybe you're engraved
on the pages of every piece of paper
that i write on,
or maybe your face just naturally resembles
all the clouds i look at,
maybe i've just been hoping that
you're looking up at the same sky as i am,
but i know that your skies
are thousands of miles away from mine,
and no matter what i do,
the sunshine there
just won't replace the rain here.

see, they keep telling me,
"it doesn't have to be this hard,"
"it doesn't have to be him"
but thing is, even during those times
when i didn't want it to be,
still, it's always been you.

and i know that
if it had been anyone else,
i wouldn't lose hours of sleep again
i wouldn't have to worry about
time differences either
i wouldn't have to wait for calls
that are way long overdue
and i certainly won't have any problems
missing you;
but i guess i've always been
attracted to complications.

but it's so late
and my thoughts are in disarray
and since i can't be there
to say these things to you
i ended up writing them down
like how i usually do.

soon, we'll be walking under
the same old skies again;
i guess asking you to be patient
would just be selfish,
you probably just stopped waiting.
or maybe you never even have.

*-djs

Sometimes I wonder,
How can someone at fifteen years old
Go through depression?
How someone so young
Can already be exhausted
Of the world they still haven't known
And sometimes I think,
Maybe it's not real
But I am living example
I wonder, maybe, it's just a phase
But phases last years not a lifetime
Maybe it's genetics,
From each branch and every leaf
In the family tree with a chemical imbalance
But how come they don't understand?
Sometimes I think,
Maybe it's the people around me
And so I isolate myself away from everybody
Feeling relaxed but not quite happy
So maybe it's the surrounding,
So every few months I always end up moving
And I don't trace my steps I don't look back
I just keep running and running
From everyone and everything
The friends who were always there listening,
Relatives who were sometimes annoying,
And a lover who'd kept trying,
And everytime I leave they ask why
And tell me you are so confusing
But I don't answer back
I just keep running and running
Until I realize,
I'm running away from my problems
And the problem is myself.
So maybe young people with depression
Do exist, and I am one
And maybe there's no way out of it
Because my depression and I live in unison.
Merged together, stuck with one another
Struggling to live in a body
That keeps getting uglier,
Trapped inside a skin full of scars and blisters
That I have not once considered
How to make them all better.
Because it's who I am, it's my home
With my melancholic half
And half a soul of my own
Pain and depression
Are really the only things I've felt and known.
So maybe it's possible and it does exist
The only place it doesn't
Is in my sleep and in my dreams
And when I wake up
My sadness alarm tells me,
Welcome home!
Sorry it's not a sweet one though.

*-djs

2 a.m.
the alcohol starts to consume me
and the worse side of me prevails
flashes of anger, neverending madness
so i drink the sadness away
drowning memories of you in this bottle
flushing thoughts of you astray
now i'm nothing but nauseous
but i can still see you and your stupid face
and i scream and yell
these drinks have done me nothing but rage
and as i start to take my final sip
i start to crumble and break
cry as many tears as i've drank
sob as many breaths as i've had to take
extracting every single burden
in this horrible, vulnerable state
so i guess these bottles are my excuse
to let the hurting go away
but thoughts of you drive me insane
and though it's not enough
this will at least ease the pain
it's almost 4 a.m.
i'm still waiting for the sunlight's rays
still anticipating for better days

*-djs

if words are food for the mind,
then here is a glimpse of mine
if words are drugs for the brain,
then here is why i'm so pained.

abandoned, abhorrent
abnormal, absent
abstract, abuse
addicted, anxious

betray, bitterly
blank, blasphemy
bloodless, breakdown
breathless, brutal

captive, casually
catastrophe, cautiously
change, cigarettes
crucial, clueless

damaged, dangerous
deadly, disastrous
disheartened, disconcerting
dramatic, dreading

eager, eccentric
ecstasy, eerie
effete, effortless
embittered, excess

faded, failure
faintly, fallacy
faltering, fatally
fearfully, finally

garbage, gawky
gibberish, gloomy
gone, goodbye
graphic, gratify

hallucinate, harshly
hazy, heartless
hectic, helpless
hesitant, hit-and-miss

idiotic, idly
ignorant, intimacy
illogical, imaginative
infatuated, intoxicated

jealousy, jittery
journey, journal
joylessly, judicial
junk, juvenile

keen, killing
knavish, knocking
knockout, knotty
knowingly, knowledge

laborious, lacking
lame, languishing
lifeless, literature
lovelorn, lugubrious

madness, maintenance
make-believe, malaise
mean, melancholic
mellow, melodramatic

naff, naivety
nameless, naturally
nauseous, nebulous
neglected, nervous

oasis, objectionable
obliged, obliterate
oblivion, obscurity
obsolete, one-and-only

pacifist, pained
pale, panicky
paradise, paralyze
passionately, passively

raging, ranting
rationalize, raving
realistic, reasonable
rebellious, reckless

saboteur, sadness
sake, sameness
sanity, satisfactory
scar, steady

taint, tangled
tasteless, tearful
telling, temperamental
terror, theoretical

unaffected, uncanny
uncommon, unconsciously
undesirable, uneasy
unfortunate, untidy

vaguely, vanish
vanity, vanquish
versatile, vicious
violence, voracious

waiting, waking
walkout, wanting
wasteful, weary
withering, wrecking

if words are food for the mind,
then you've seen a glimpse of mine
if words are drugs for the brain,
then no wonder i'm so pained.

*-djs

See whenever I think about you
I stop breathing
And when I'm with you
Your oxygen starts filling
And filling and filling me in
Until I'm bloated with air
And I just want to give back the rest to you
So that we both can share

*-djs

I roll over
  
to my side

                                         just to realize

you're not here.

                                         So if I can

                                        only be with you

                                        in my dreams

please don't ever

wake me up, dear.

*-djs

They say love comes unexpectedly
But they never told me how it leaves
Suddenly, painfully, helplessly

And this is just another poem about you
But unlike the other ones from before
It's the last of it all, with no more

See I already felt it coming
Long before it all fell apart
Before it shattered my living heart

Usually in books, they talk about heartbreaks
Emotional stress, vulnerability, and crying
But they never mentioned physical heart aches

The throbbing, and the sobbing
And what feels like a bullet clashing
Every millisecond, pounding, literally breaking

And it's something chocolates can't fix
And obviously, neither will the chick-flicks
Something not even sleep could do the trick

I've realized we grew apart
Became distant, not just because of the miles
Already separating us apart

And I know I've pushed you away
Leaving you in dismay
Unsure of tomorrow, scared of yesterday

But I didn't know you knew
Knowledged of the game I've put you through
Unaware that you could hurt me too

Now all's been said and done
I've lost the better part of me, my number one
My lover, my bestfriend, all gone

Unlike other scenarios, I choose to act differently
I aim to take it well, and not selflessly
I won't let my vulnerability get to me

And now I know better
Right now pathetically missing you
Wouldn't do

And someday, hopefully
We'll meet again, in a parallel universe
Within each other's existence, unknowingly

Maybe then, in another life, I could love you

But for now thank you for the pain and tragedy
I needed it for my poetry.

*-djs