"it's been almost a year,"
that's what they always say
as an effort to help me forget about you.

but it's been almost a year,
and i think i'm missing you again
and i know i swore to myself
that i'd stop writing about you,
but not enough shreds and scribbles
can erase the fact that to this day
you're still my muse,
you're still the only reason i have
to keep writing,
to this day, you're still here.

maybe you're drowning
in the ink of all my pens,
maybe you're engraved
on the pages of every piece of paper
that i write on,
or maybe your face just naturally resembles
all the clouds i look at,
maybe i've just been hoping that
you're looking up at the same sky as i am,
but i know that your skies
are thousands of miles away from mine,
and no matter what i do,
the sunshine there
just won't replace the rain here.

see, they keep telling me,
"it doesn't have to be this hard,"
"it doesn't have to be him"
but thing is, even during those times
when i didn't want it to be,
still, it's always been you.

and i know that
if it had been anyone else,
i wouldn't lose hours of sleep again
i wouldn't have to worry about
time differences either
i wouldn't have to wait for calls
that are way long overdue
and i certainly won't have any problems
missing you;
but i guess i've always been
attracted to complications.

but it's so late
and my thoughts are in disarray
and since i can't be there
to say these things to you
i ended up writing them down
like how i usually do.

soon, we'll be walking under
the same old skies again;
i guess asking you to be patient
would just be selfish,
you probably just stopped waiting.
or maybe you never even have.

*-djs

Sometimes I wonder,
How can someone at fifteen years old
Go through depression?
How someone so young
Can already be exhausted
Of the world they still haven't known
And sometimes I think,
Maybe it's not real
But I am living example
I wonder, maybe, it's just a phase
But phases last years not a lifetime
Maybe it's genetics,
From each branch and every leaf
In the family tree with a chemical imbalance
But how come they don't understand?
Sometimes I think,
Maybe it's the people around me
And so I isolate myself away from everybody
Feeling relaxed but not quite happy
So maybe it's the surrounding,
So every few months I always end up moving
And I don't trace my steps I don't look back
I just keep running and running
From everyone and everything
The friends who were always there listening,
Relatives who were sometimes annoying,
And a lover who'd kept trying,
And everytime I leave they ask why
And tell me you are so confusing
But I don't answer back
I just keep running and running
Until I realize,
I'm running away from my problems
And the problem is myself.
So maybe young people with depression
Do exist, and I am one
And maybe there's no way out of it
Because my depression and I live in unison.
Merged together, stuck with one another
Struggling to live in a body
That keeps getting uglier,
Trapped inside a skin full of scars and blisters
That I have not once considered
How to make them all better.
Because it's who I am, it's my home
With my melancholic half
And half a soul of my own
Pain and depression
Are really the only things I've felt and known.
So maybe it's possible and it does exist
The only place it doesn't
Is in my sleep and in my dreams
And when I wake up
My sadness alarm tells me,
Welcome home!
Sorry it's not a sweet one though.

*-djs

2 a.m.
the alcohol starts to consume me
and the worse side of me prevails
flashes of anger, neverending madness
so i drink the sadness away
drowning memories of you in this bottle
flushing thoughts of you astray
now i'm nothing but nauseous
but i can still see you and your stupid face
and i scream and yell
these drinks have done me nothing but rage
and as i start to take my final sip
i start to crumble and break
cry as many tears as i've drank
sob as many breaths as i've had to take
extracting every single burden
in this horrible, vulnerable state
so i guess these bottles are my excuse
to let the hurting go away
but thoughts of you drive me insane
and though it's not enough
this will at least ease the pain
it's almost 4 a.m.
i'm still waiting for the sunlight's rays
still anticipating for better days

*-djs

if words are food for the mind,
then here is a glimpse of mine
if words are drugs for the brain,
then here is why i'm so pained.

abandoned, abhorrent
abnormal, absent
abstract, abuse
addicted, anxious

betray, bitterly
blank, blasphemy
bloodless, breakdown
breathless, brutal

captive, casually
catastrophe, cautiously
change, cigarettes
crucial, clueless

damaged, dangerous
deadly, disastrous
disheartened, disconcerting
dramatic, dreading

eager, eccentric
ecstasy, eerie
effete, effortless
embittered, excess

faded, failure
faintly, fallacy
faltering, fatally
fearfully, finally

garbage, gawky
gibberish, gloomy
gone, goodbye
graphic, gratify

hallucinate, harshly
hazy, heartless
hectic, helpless
hesitant, hit-and-miss

idiotic, idly
ignorant, intimacy
illogical, imaginative
infatuated, intoxicated

jealousy, jittery
journey, journal
joylessly, judicial
junk, juvenile

keen, killing
knavish, knocking
knockout, knotty
knowingly, knowledge

laborious, lacking
lame, languishing
lifeless, literature
lovelorn, lugubrious

madness, maintenance
make-believe, malaise
mean, melancholic
mellow, melodramatic

naff, naivety
nameless, naturally
nauseous, nebulous
neglected, nervous

oasis, objectionable
obliged, obliterate
oblivion, obscurity
obsolete, one-and-only

pacifist, pained
pale, panicky
paradise, paralyze
passionately, passively

raging, ranting
rationalize, raving
realistic, reasonable
rebellious, reckless

saboteur, sadness
sake, sameness
sanity, satisfactory
scar, steady

taint, tangled
tasteless, tearful
telling, temperamental
terror, theoretical

unaffected, uncanny
uncommon, unconsciously
undesirable, uneasy
unfortunate, untidy

vaguely, vanish
vanity, vanquish
versatile, vicious
violence, voracious

waiting, waking
walkout, wanting
wasteful, weary
withering, wrecking

if words are food for the mind,
then you've seen a glimpse of mine
if words are drugs for the brain,
then no wonder i'm so pained.

*-djs

See whenever I think about you
I stop breathing
And when I'm with you
Your oxygen starts filling
And filling and filling me in
Until I'm bloated with air
And I just want to give back the rest to you
So that we both can share

*-djs

I roll over
  
to my side

                                         just to realize

you're not here.

                                         So if I can

                                        only be with you

                                        in my dreams

please don't ever

wake me up, dear.

*-djs

They say love comes unexpectedly
But they never told me how it leaves
Suddenly, painfully, helplessly

And this is just another poem about you
But unlike the other ones from before
It's the last of it all, with no more

See I already felt it coming
Long before it all fell apart
Before it shattered my living heart

Usually in books, they talk about heartbreaks
Emotional stress, vulnerability, and crying
But they never mentioned physical heart aches

The throbbing, and the sobbing
And what feels like a bullet clashing
Every millisecond, pounding, literally breaking

And it's something chocolates can't fix
And obviously, neither will the chick-flicks
Something not even sleep could do the trick

I've realized we grew apart
Became distant, not just because of the miles
Already separating us apart

And I know I've pushed you away
Leaving you in dismay
Unsure of tomorrow, scared of yesterday

But I didn't know you knew
Knowledged of the game I've put you through
Unaware that you could hurt me too

Now all's been said and done
I've lost the better part of me, my number one
My lover, my bestfriend, all gone

Unlike other scenarios, I choose to act differently
I aim to take it well, and not selflessly
I won't let my vulnerability get to me

And now I know better
Right now pathetically missing you
Wouldn't do

And someday, hopefully
We'll meet again, in a parallel universe
Within each other's existence, unknowingly

Maybe then, in another life, I could love you

But for now thank you for the pain and tragedy
I needed it for my poetry.

*-djs

I walk down the city lights
Guided by the starry night
I don't know where I am
And I don't know where I'm going
I just ought to see a a stunning sight

                               I walk down the dark avenue        
                     Along with the disappearing moon
                                        I don't know where I am
                      And I don't know where I'm going
                                    I'm just hoping to find you          

Why is he here
                                                  I finally found her       
 
I don't want to be near him
                             
                              I've waited so long to hug her

I'll take a run for it

                                         Why did she disappear

I'm walking down a dark avenue
Without a sight of the moon
I don't know where I am
And I don't know where I'm going
I just want to find my way back to you

                        I'm walking down the city lights
                                 Along with the starry night
                                      I don't know where I am
                    And I don't know where I'm going
                                      Letting you go was right

*-djs

under these thick covers
and above the soft pillows
i sink, and stay, and slither

alongside of the frozen window
and behind the closed doors
i look, and lay, and let go

crushed by thin walls
and these low ceilings
i find, and forget, and fall

though deep down this beauty
overcome with sleep
and yet i'm still queasy

because these covers
still have a scent of you
lingering all over

these popcorn ceilings
still have the vision of us
together smiling

and this plain white door
it's still waiting to be opened
cause it knows there's room for more

for you.

the blankets don't provide enough warmth
and extra pillows are still around
and this bed is still too big for one

but you're gone
and i know i'll only be with you in my sleep
after all that's been said and done

and though sleep is for the weak
the idea still fascinates me
being temporarily dead seven nights a week

but if it means having you by my side
i'll choose the real thing instead
cause i can't sleep without you even if i tried

*-djs

Lately I've been catching myself missing you,
So much. So much that it hurts.
Lately I've been...
Gee, I don't know?
Awful?
Rueful?
Sorrowful?
Dreadful?
Except... I'm not really "full" at all.
I'm nowhere near full.
I'm empty!
It's the same as what came out of my mouth,
When we both said goodbye:
Nothing!
Like that time you'd kept gazing at my lips,
Then my eyes, then back again, and vice versa.
And what came out from the intensity,
Lust, passion, that kept creeping in the room:
Nothing!
Like that time when we were just about to confess
Our oh-so-undying-love for each other.
Okay, maybe it wasn't undying,
And maybe it wasn't love,
And maybe we weren't about to spill out anything,
But you get my gist.
There was nothing spoken between us.
Nothing!
It's the same as that time,
I was sitting uncomfortably at my rooftop,
Staring and loosing myself,
At the sight of the moon and the stars.
Wondering if you're staring
At the same moon and stars, too.
And I'm hoping you are just so I wouldn't feel alone.
Then I think...
Then I remember...
The stupid timezone separating us.
And now I'm back with nothing.

And the worst part?
That wasn't even a "was".
That was the "now."
That is the now.
And every so often,
I catch myself staring at one of those stars.
Whispering to them,
Stories we wrote, stories we created.
Bragging to them,
How great I think you are.
Telling them,
To look over you.
Forcing them,
To watch out for the girl chasing after you.
Wishing upon them,
That I could be the girl you chase after instead.
And it's times like that,
Times like now,
When I have ten things going on in my head
And I'm pretty sure
About nine and a half are about you.
And I sit there,
And I tell them,
I miss you.
I still miss you.
But it's daytime,
And there are no stars,
And there's definitely still no you.

*-djs

Two star-crossed lovers.
Which from the very beginning,
Were never right for each other.

He was a mysterious boy,
with eyes that could easily destroy.

                                        She was a confusing girl,
                           that can get stomachs in a whirl.

He was the bad-boy kind,
unacceptable to others' minds.

                                      She was too good for him,
                                       too bubbly and outgoing.

He hid something,
he wasn't strong even from the beginning.

                                                She hid her part, too
        she was happy outside but inside won't do.

He trusted no one,
all faith in him was long gone.

                            She was broken due to the past,
                              with memories that didn't last.

But he loved her,
loved her like no other.
No intentions of another.

                                            And she did the same,
                                         her love grew everyday.
                            With no telling him in any way.

He'd long to be with her,
though he knew she deserved better.

                                       But she needed him only,
         to understand and protect her from many.

He spoke barely,
not letting traces of emotions flee.

                                               She liked the silence,
          but not as much as she liked his presence.

But he had problems of his own,
unable to fix her sorrows.

                        She was delusional, self-conscious
                  thinking he'd never accept her issues.

He simply couldn't resist,
despite the never-ending risks.

                                            She was drawn to him,
                             like gravitational pull filling in.

Happy or sad,
he wanted her just as bad.

                                                           ­  Bad or good,
                    she wanted to be with him for good.

                       They were two star-crossed lovers,
                           That were so wrong, yet so right
                                                To love one another.

*-djs

Talking twenty-four-seven
Kissing like there's no end
Being around your presence all the time
And you say we're just friends.

You forbid me to see other guys
Yet I could just see jealousy in your eyes
Wanting to be my only one
Then you toss me away, is that so wise?

Crossing the lines of being protective
With me, you're just beyond possessive
But when we get down to business,
**** you're more than aggressive.

But the way your eyes travel around me
How your hands linger all over my body
Doing the exact same routine twice a week
Making love, just friends, steadily.

One night you treat me like a princess
And the morning I wake up you say I'm a mess
We've got to stop this, whatever this is
We're too loose, fragile, and reckless.

And aside from our enclosed relationship
We still manage to keep a friendship
But whenever you mention your other "friends"
It just makes my heart rip.

Within our complications and misfits
We're still each other's favourites
And you say we're just friends?
I'm tellin' you, that's bullsht.

-djs

he'd picked up all the pieces
putting her back together
and fixed all her mess
with a non-promising forever

she was a seed planted
and so was he
she was plain in red
but he'd already figured her beauty

she was a flower child
and he was a stem sturdy
she was an artist in the wild
and he'd admire her blatantly

she had blossoming petals
and he had growing leaves
she was special and above all
his only reason to live

she was a ****** rose
and he was ordinary left with nothing
but with her every cut and dose
he was there to stop the bleeding

she was a dying flower by may
and he'd just started blossoming
she kept pushing him away
until the day he'd stop trying

i was the wilted flower
and he was the beautiful one
i needed him more than ever
but he was long gone

*-djs

running my hands
through your messy hair
leaving trails of kisses
on your neck, your back
heck, even the air

your hands lingering
all over parts of me,
once hidden and untouched,
kissing and mending
the scars on my body

my lips pressed onto yours
gently, passionately
a sweet taste
grasping movement,
driving me to insanity

your securing arms
taking full control,
making me feel like home
wanting more,
taking over my soul

our bodies intertwined
moving in the same pace
sharing the same heartbeat,
intoxicated, addicted
filling in a lustful place

storms of kisses
hurricanes of love
a needy touch,
exchanging smiles
forming one, or ten, thereof

those moments we've made love
remembering makes me sick
but ****, in a good way
a breathtaking way,
this feels so nostalgic.

*-djs

These words are going nowhere,
Just like I am.
These sentences end here,
And so do I.

*-djs

i am starting to get bad again
my heart ceasing to an empty end
yet my mind's overloading
satisfied with drugs, pain, and dying
uncontrollable shakes
forced harming to wake
no signs of courage
restless and wornout image
my heart stops beating
and my head starts pounding
i am starting to get bad again
and i am craving for my dead end.

*-djs

Dad, daddy, father?
What am I to call you, sir?
A hug, a handshake, a slap?
How am I to greet you, pops?

"Happy father's day!"
Is that what you want me to say?
"I've missed you throughout all these years!"
Is that really what you want to hear?

What am I to do when we meet again?
Tell my failures, tell my accomplishments?
But do you even deserve to hear any of these?
When you've been gone for all these years?

Why did you leave me, dad?
Was I not good enough; was I that bad?
What was wrong with me that you had to leave?
Did you even feel any regret or grief?

When I was younger I thought you were dead.
That's what I believed though it was unsaid.
And now that I know better,
What's your reason to render?

I just wish I could've known you.
Your name, or what you went through.
Only once, I've heard from you.
But that doesn't suffice for the chances you threw.

You were my first role model, daddy.
Cause of you, I don't get hurt easily.
I've learned leaving someone is inevitable.
And that hurting them is forgivable.

You taught me that love doesn't exist.
All love comes to an end, leaving a bitter mist.
I've learned everyone will disappoint you.
Although they're not supposed to.

You've created, within me, a monster.
Aren't you just proud of your daughter?
Because of you, I know that I'm worthless.
And everyone I value, will leave me regardless.

Now my heart's filled with hatred.
The suffering you caused has ended.
I'm not vulnerable anymore, daddy.
Now you're nothing, not even a memory.

So, dad or daddy or father,
The man who left and threw me away.
What now? What do you want me to say?
Happy Father's Day?

*-djs

My most beautiful flower
Unnoticed allure and grace
But I let it wilt and dry away
Drenched and empty vase
Like your heart I left to break
Each day I wished and prayed
To witness your blossoming face
One night per year I hope to stay
But it can never be the same
Because all flowers die of age
Inevitably leave us in dismay
I just wish I'd taken care
Of the flower I loved in every way.

*-djs

I wish I could capture the moment
We exchange glances and smiles
     Creating sparks,
                     and fireworks,
                                   and fireflies.
Admiring you for what seems to be an eternity
Captivated by your face and beauty.
How the sunlight adds a perfect glow to your skin
     Defining each curve,
                     and each lines,
                                   of your face and body.
Unconciously staring at you in just pure adoration
Unable to fathom your perfection.
How the dead silence brings yourself out perfectly
     Hands in your pockets,
                     your lips sealed tightly,
                                   dimples showing slightly.
Mesmerized at your sweet, kindly, innocent acts
Is there anything that you lack?
How your flaws makes you as perfect as can be
     Postured restlessly,                    
                     beauty mark on your back,
                                   messy hair swaying swiftly.
You're soft-spoken within such a great humbleness
Doesn't change you nonetheless!
How unawareness effortlessly makes you perfect
     "Angelic-like music,"
                     "striking like static,"
                                   "scars are beauty from tragic,"
You see the good in everyone me being one, yet-
You don't realize how beautiful you are
And that's what makes you perfect even from afar.

*-djs

You; the roots of all my hurting
The cause of all my suffering;
You are deserving to die!
Within your bashful self
And drowning lies
Just another demon
You deserve to die!
Let me take the great honour
To even help you
I promise I'll stay true to my words
Let me be the tightening
Sharp thorns
That will remove you
From the face of this world
For you deserve to die!
Let me rip
Your cold freezing heart
From the body
I once saw as art
But no more! No more!
I will be the one to rip it off
Your narrow enclosed mind
As useless as your presence!
Undesirable essence!
You deserve to die!
And I will put together
Your mouth
And judgemental eyes
That say nothing but lies
Insults, hatred, and doubts
You deserve to die!
And for all the countless pain
You've brought to me
I will be the one to let you die!
Countless of times
But no! You cannot die just yet!
You must suffer along with your regrets
Undeserving of an end
Nor forgiveness
I curse you!
You deserve to die slowly
Tortured by your own self
Killed by your wrath
Within the darkest
Of the most evil world
Over and over and over again!
And some may say
I'm full of anger and fear
But I swear, oh I swear!
I will not stop 'till you disappear!

*-djs

He; who's as broken as can be
Justifies as one to ease me
Whose goal has always been to flee
He; whose life's shattered apart
Makes me look forward for a new start
Whose mind wanders from darkness to art
He; who with a deadly heart a stoic stare
Rescued me from a world of despair
Who stays emotionless to be fair
He; who was naive and truthful
Fixed me and thought I was beautiful
Who but classified the earth only as dull

Me; whom he trusted and loved on his own
Abandoned and sabbotaged and left him all alone
And for that I deserve to die within these stones

-djs

An albatross around my neck
Carrying my guilt my burden
O, am I yet a wreck?
Blame me, blame me!
For I am in fault
Mistaken disastrously!
My luck my love have abandoned me
Left all alone, deserted
Stranded and unwanted by many
Everywhere there's chance! There's chance!
To change to live for blessings
There's chance! A chance for my penance!
Yet all that surrounds me
Full of bliss and love and happiness
But I still cannot have a taste of any
My biggest sin still lingers here
Haunting me
Filling me with fear!
Taking its revenge on me
One by one leaving its foot marks
Slowly but surely, successfully!
O dear, o dear heavens!
Where am I to find hope?
Have I been completely forsaken?
O dear heavens, hear me out!
I am not deserving but please oh please
Do I have to scream, yell, or shout?
Please say, what am I to do?
Put entity back to where it used to be
Or even sacrifice myself for thee?

*-djs

losing my mind like before
my heart's going blind to mourn
no room for more!
closing its door,
filled with fear and horror
sounds in my head ashore?
not my voice but yours?
as every part of me sores
making its way to my core
ruining my spores
my insanity roars!
and the madness pours!
and the pain explores!
stop! i can't take it anymore!
i promised i'll be fine, i swore
to you over and over some more
but what can i do it's uncalled for?
my sickness takes the score
i'm destroyed and unhappy and more!
what is there to adore?

*-djs

just a couple of bottle of pills
to recover me from being this ill
thought i'd survive
thought i'd prevail and thrive
abandoned by my only happiness
didn't know it'd come to this
tell my ma i love her
and take care of my brother
tell my pa i forgive him
i'll be in a better place now watching them
tell my good friends i'll miss them all
and my enemies to start crying and crawl
for this is their fault they are to blame
along with my demons they're not ashamed
tell my lovely boy i do
though he didn't ask i'm sure he wanted to
tell them all i'll see them soon
i'll be a star watching them along with the moon
tell them all to live their life happily
since i never got the chance to be
and now my Great Father take me with you
take my soul and cleanse it too
i know this is a sin i've just committed
but i just wanted to be safe happy and uplifted

*-djs

You are the meaningful kind of poetry
That intimately speaks to me
Without a complaint or dilemma
Willingly writing each stanza

You are the best-selling story
I would love to be
Blissful lines joyful ending
Never tired of reading for living

You are the descriptive paragraph
Analyzing beauty in pain on my behalf
Something I deeply desire to feel
But unfortunately is not real

You are the ten-paged essay
I have been writing since May
Aspiring for motivation
Leaving no trace of emotion

You are the type of fiction
As close as I would find to perfection
Only found within my literature
Not my real life adventures

*-djs

to those times we layed together
side by side and serene
savouring the presence of one another
my head at ease in your chest
hand-in-hand feet all tangled up
comfortably within your longing caress
my bare skin against yours
shyly but surely
and i could not ask for more

to those times shared with our passion
filled with adoration and lust
and yearning for the true thing just lovelorn
they said we were mistaken
they said we were too young
but how would they know if we still haven't
yes we were out of our mind
and yes we were craving
intertwined inseparable and maybe even blind
labelled as silly as can be
but if love meant wacky to them
then we might've been just beyond crazy

to those times we bonded
all my dilemmas all my burdens
seemed to be all mended
for all my sorrows all my hardships
you gave nothing but strength
and took care of every little bits
laughed away our pains
smoked away our lives
in a sense shared the same brain
compatible within our sanity
understood and in relation
and likewise within our irregularity

to those times we've fought not each other
strong willing and dedicated
we fought together
to stop our melancholic thoughts
love and live in tranquility
and prevail with all our worth

to those moments that we were one
together or conjointly or in unison
we were intoxicated and infatuated
can't you remember, my dearly beloved?

*-djs

A place like this would be perfect
   Somewhere bright and warm
With a tint of a crisp cool breeze
A background not too colourful not too dull
     Where the sun kisses the horizon
Toning a pink sky with little stars soon to shine
And the moon waking up to let the sun breathe
Sounds of swaying leaves and dancing branches
    Rich earthy smell of a mid-spring evening
       Birds chirping lakes rushing in a steady pace
      Some place where you and i can laugh away
A scenery where i can look at you in pure
   Admiration under the sunset
Where you can see my imperfections
       And good qualities at once
A place we can transform into our own utopia
    We can just stay still and hold each other
  And appreciate all that surrounds us
          Never wanting to leave or walk away
    Some place like this is perfect
Where we're always going to be young
      And lost and unaware
     And absolutely
   Tremendously
Infatuated

*-djs