i missed you so much it ate at me like a parasite, unnoticed, hollowing me from the inside out, until i saw you again and then the hole it created, as you so effortlessly filled it up.

there's a dull ache that you can hear underneath my words
if you listen closely,
i don't speak very often anymore
but i still say a lot
to those who are trying to hear me.
this is true on most days.
other days there is an emptying hole
behind the phrases i utter
and anther worse in place of the ones i don't
but no one can see that,
not even the ones who want to,
because on those days no one can see me,
the hole has swallowed me up
with every word
i was too afraid to say.

you were able some how to shift me
when i hadn't spoken to anyone for weeks
you still figured a way to turn me on my side.
i know everything is a mess now
and that regret build high walls
but i am thankful for you,
i don't think i ever said so.
i should have said so.
you taught me so much
i never knew about myself,
and that was the least of what you did for me.
thank you for gently walking into my head
even after i said no one was welcome.
after it all, i am thankful.

i was never good with an embrace.
i never knew how to find a comfortable grip.
i'm so used to staying far away
that i haven't learned what it means to
share a space with anybody.
but somehow in spite of myself,
you found a way to stand upon
the creaky floorboards of my mind
and leave foot prints on every blank sheet
my mind uses to release the words that have
always entangled me.

an air of disappointment in the breath before I speak. sorry Im not strong enough to bring this out from underneath. you can see it spelled in black, behind the things that I sing. then lack of explanation, intention and retreat. forgive me, im cryptic, all of this is new. I’m learning how to walk again but I can’t keep up with you. let me lie down, let me sound a smile in your ear. tie it up like puppet strings and pull away my fear.
because the moon carries a fresh terror, and I’m taunted in my sleep. for what i hide from myself, what im faced with in my dreams. an uneven change of pressure in the space under my chest, failing to contain those little broken breaths.
now promises are pennies to me, I melt them for their zinc. can’t take your glassy eyes on me as I’m standing on brink. dark blue sky and last month’s winds, in the air under my palm. you’re in the window ‘cross the street and im half way gone. trembling in fear, desperate screams from two floors down, I’m shaking, making heavy steps, to an awful heaving sound.
go back inside your bedroom, look away and do it now. ‘cause I don’t want you to remember what I looked like on the ground.
again back in darkness, heart still pounding, fear still real. I’m left with only memories of that rusty window sill.