you tell me so often,
how badly you want me to be okay
that i have become afraid
to let you down

and every time you ask,
"how are you doing?"
i try to smile and i lie
because i want to give you what you want

but i dont know how to be okay
im doing all that i can
so i give you second best
they say, *ignorance is bliss.

numbers and measures filling my head
constantly counting, always under fed
i think that you notice me
shifting my plate with a fork
but you dont notice me
fainting in the bathroom
or crying in bed
i dont think you notice
when i skip meals
and run for an hour
but i cant stop
even though i feel miserable
and my head always aches
i cant stop
even though i am consumed with numbers
and it haunts me when i wake
i cant stop
though i've made promise again
and i always feel weak
i cant stop
because i want this, that number
to be lower than i've seen.
i want to disappear under my sweater
and feel light in your arms
i've gotten used to feeling dizzy
grown to like all the harm
so i'll shove off your worry and
i'll lie when you ask
go again until those digits
are smaller than my last.

you stayed with me all night,
watching me sick and miserable
and enduring my terrible moans,
you studied my face
and the inconsistencies of my breath,
and at the end of it all you still said,
'you looked gorgeous last night,
im so glad you're okay.'

shaded windows and broken mirrors
gliding paper, too soft to hear
you're on the bed
rambling off words
but i'm clinging to the corner
trying not to be heard
sick with shallow breathing
scared that i will faint
i didn't want you to see me
so i asked if you could leave
but you were slow and wouldn't go
so i headed for the door
but when i turned the corner
i couldn't see anymore.

there was a time when i could feel you through the miles
and despite it all my heart felt warm with the thought of you
but now i feel like the distance has doubled
and i feel so far away
from you
and from everyone else

there was a time when your words were enough
whispering that im the only one, your favorite girl
but after all the hours that pass between your apologetic updates
i doubt that i matter
to you
or to anyone else

words are not enough.