Dear Father,
I wish I knew you. Give me a name to call out in the night, because sometimes I just need someone here. I wonder if it would break your heart to know that I don’t remember you. All I remember from life before is bits and pieces of swords flying, echoing words, and a mess of emotion splattered in the grass. I remember the tree, the huge one to the right of the field. The grass would burn my legs as I ran through it, I could run so so fast. Base camp was my home and I lived for the fire that lit up the night. I miss the music that floated through the air.
I know you knew that I wouldn’t remember much when I entered this world again. But I know if it was reversed I would still hate the fact that we are not allowed to take all of our memories with us. I keep recognizing strangers on the street, and I don’t know how I know them but it’s like I can name their every fear and joy just from looking in their eyes. I want to know them, did they come with me? Did I follow them? What happened to my team? I have so many questions that I know I have the answers to somewhere in the back of my soul. I hurt my mind trying to dig farther back then this human brain will take me. I am so restricted here, I can only think so much, and run so fast, and say so many things, and feel such basic emotions. My mind wants to think at the speed of light. My legs want to carry me across the geography of the earth in a matter of minutes. My voice wants to rise above the dull roar or life. I want to feel more than sadness, and happiness, and anger. I want to feel things that humans don’t have words for. Pain is very much the same, I still love it, I still hate it.
Teach me everything again. I have been told that you can get your memories back only when disconnecting your soul from your body but I want to know everything yet stay here. I have found beautiful things here.  Love takes over your body here, you can feel it everywhere when you fall. They call it falling, but I think a lot of times its more like flying. I remember flying a little, and maybe I could fly back then because love was more than an emotion but a state of being. Father, I think I miss you. I think I miss everyone. Strings come out from the center of my being and every so often I find someone who is holding the other end. I have become attached to entirely too many people who have only been in my life for the smallest fraction of time. But..I can’t let go, I can’t stop wanting them to be a part of my bones, a part of what holds me up on this earth. In particular, I love three people. And I think that’s enough to help me to fly again. Unfortunately two of them have gone, and the third is on the brink of going away.
I could not stop any of them. I wanted them to be happy so bad. I left the door open trying to let them see the light of the world outside. They walked out into the sunrise because I cannot compare to a beautiful day.
I have been told that I was sent here for a purpose, I want to change the world. But I’m not sure how. Father, can you help me? I need something to push me in the right direction. I can only do so much by myself and I need hands to guide me.
Will you help me down here? I need someone by my side, I know I have Michael and Gabriel and Ariel and Elizabeth but maybe I need not only companions but maps.
Sometimes I don’t want to go on anymore. I want to be lifted back up into the sky. Learn everything again. It’s so filled with pain down here and I feel so weak. I want to be released, let go again. I am not afraid of death because some days it feels better than life. Life is heavy, and I’m used to walking on air.

Maybe it is better that I do not know you.
Because then maybe I would call for help in a language you would understand

And you would have to leave me here.

I guess I just wanted you to know I love you Father, whoever you are, wherever you are, I think about you sometimes.
I just wanted you to know.

you always said I lived right beneath your collar bone
straight above your heart,
not in it but over it
I was only the supporting weight of one of your shoulders  
I think I forgot to tell you that you were both of mine
but I also feel you missing right at the center of myself
I let you take up too much space

Maybe you replaced me by now
you're whispering your secrets to some other girl
or boy
at any rate someone who isn't me
or maybe you just put in a slab of iron in
I wouldn't blame you
it would be much easier to deal with than I am

is it even socially acceptable to cry in the shower over someone who hasn't contacted you in three weeks?
Is that okay?
I think I'll do it anyway
The worst endings are the slow ones
that drag out for weeks or months or years
the ones that leave you wondering how one person can leave your life without a trace
I would do anything to breathe the dust of your skin again
you didn't even leave me that much

I miss you
the way that you feel deep within yourself
I told you that once
I don't remember what you said
but it wasn't what I wanted to hear

I love you
and not the kind you think
the kind that makes me smile at your voice
and the kind that makes me feel safe in your presence
the kind that makes me want to sit next to you in silence and listen to you breathe
I love you as a human
and don't get me wrong
kissing you was great
but I would take it all back
just to have you here
not with me
but next to me

It gets heavy all alone

and when I die
compose a symphony in my voice
transfer my soul into a violin string
and my heart into a timpani drum
as long as I can be heard I will never be
truly
gone
you told me once you would name a gun after me
if you stumbled across one that spoke in my voice
and if you can hear my name in a gun shot
you can find it again in a broken chord on a piano
because
I used to be a composer
but every melody was about you
people rest in sound waves
and it's time I was found again
just like I found you

and when I die
bury me in sheet music
and leave me under the concert hall
so that I will never go without
music reverberating through my bones
I've been told my eyes are gold
if you look at them in the right light
but if you gave me room to breathe again
they might become the color of the land
I am rushing over
in bass line
one that you created
with your own two hands

and when I die
and you hear what you have created for the first time
I hope you fall to your knees
in a spotlight
on the stage you stand
because you have just realized
that I am more alive now
than I was when I was breathing

and when I die
I will not really be dead

now will I?

when someone says
they want to get to know you
make sure to tell them how
you're named after a character in your moms favorite book
that your favorite color is vibrant red
or that you spend your free time sitting at the pier
but make sure you don't say
that when people call your name
it sounds like they are addressing a stranger
because there's been a graveyard
growing inside you
since age twelve
and that you spend a lot of time
deciding what the date
on your headstone will be
and don't explain
that you love vibrant red because
it's the color of relief
when it's dripping down your wrist
and don't let them know
that when you sit on the pier
you daydream of tying rocks to your ankles
and going for a swim