They sing a lullaby
Of living a life with no ringing
Your head clear as the sky
And your eyes, light as can be

Only they leave out the tears
And skip the chorus we know so well
The one with too much swearing
As they sing the sun so swell

Where are those words
The ones that detail our true self
The raw and naked, stabbed with a sword
How the moon sways down,
Kisses us awake
Leaving us wanting more

Or are we ignoring our wounds
Making up for lost time
We repair our sight
As if silence destroys all trouble
And this is the end of our fight

Or can we sing the open tune of our pain
And skip this terrible lullaby
Covering up my shame
I am tired of these lies

Or am I the only one,
Silently suffering
Screaming out sonnets
As I sit down and cry

steadfast, free, happily i am running
towards the light, towards the happiness of life
young, fresh, yet so brave
until one day it all just happened

i told myself to be much more careful
but i was drowned, i almost died
along those fake words i heard
along those false feelings i felt

i am young, i was young
i didn't know, i was in your jail
abused, hurt, tricked, and cheated
yes i am young, but i am not stupid as you think

attracted to the flawed actions you make
attached to the poisonous words you take
tied by the thorns of your arms
i almost died in your hands

but it was not too late
to think about the other things in life
it is not just about you, i know there is much more than you
there is much more than this

i am healed, i am free, and i am feeling young again
i was once drowned, and it will never happen again
because i already know how to swim
in the ocean of insincerity

*b.a

the little things i never see
were the best things about you
i don't know, i never knew
that these things are glitters inside your jar

it's me staring at you
perhaps you never notice me
but at the deepest ocean of your eye
i saw the most wonderful thing

i never knew, i never knew
that you are this certain
i didn't get it to the point, i am just above the ocean
perhaps i should have swam deeper

i was clingy, i was impatient
that i never noticed the little things
behind your strings, behind your round eyes
behind your heart

it is just you, the special you
beside me, behind me
it is the most wonderful thing
that i never saw, that i never knew, that i never felt

but now i know, now i know
that the shadow behind you
was the stigma of your love


*b.a

accompanied my father to a massage center
i saw these people wearing orange shirts
some are looking down, some left, some right
i didn't have the idea, i didn't know

how much is this
it's fifty

that moment i knew, i saw, i heard, i felt
that these people have the darkest days of their lives
that there are black blankets covering their eyes
they are blind men, i leaned down, i prayed

two kids ran inside the center
daddy do you want to eat?
no son, i still need to work here
but daddy you're not yet eating since 12 pm
i have to work son, go get your mother

i don't know what to feel
perhaps these kids are just six or eight
they are so young, yet so brave
i don't know what to feel, it's just sad

at that moment i realized
that within these two eyes i am lucky
i am blessed
we are blessed

we see the sun rise and set
we see how the clouds look like and how they move
we see the birds fly high, we see the colors around us
but some don't appreciate it

at that moment i realized
i realized that i was more blind than them
because i never saw the beauty of appreciation
i never knew that i have more than black blankets than them


because i was blind
because we were blind

*b.a

I wouldn't dare to let you look into my eyes
For the secrets I hide and the lies I trust
Are fragile in my current state of mind

I wouldn't dare to let you sneak a peak at my soul
For it is broken and no longer whole
As I scramble to preserve all that is left of me

I wouldn't dare to let you have a hold on me
For I could never truly stay
The moment you get too close I back away and start to leave

I wouldn't dare to let you know how I truly feel
For my emotions would be my undoing
And my carefully woven threads are already loose

I wouldn't dare to let you step so close to me
For I wouldn't be able to stop myself
From keeping you close to me and never letting go

I wouldn't dare to let you into my heart
For I know that if I even begin to, I wouldn't stop
and I would let myself love you
So completely
So deeply
*For all time

Hello sad clown
You must peel that irony off your lips, you thieved it from me.
Your grotesque eyes bore through don't they?
If so, why am I not all bones yet?
Hollow noises would ricochet would my flesh would turn weary of holding me.

Hello sad clown
With your frown- upside down-
Is your plastic as tensile as my heart seems to be?
I would slice a knife beneath your sloping eyebrows, so you wouldn't see what I have.
It was pretty as hope and it decided to **** me.

Hello sad clown
Do you miss your happy shadow?
Or does it leech around in sadistic mockery murmuring things about your past?
I would lend you all my heart-cheats -
But they would involve the blackness of your soul or inside your eyelids.

**Mirror mirror on the wall,
Am I the saddest clown of them all?

all my selfless acts are acts.
and always cause a scene.
i dont kno how to be virtuous and graceful simultaneously,
but i kno how id lke the play to run.
as something serious and remote from me.
my involvement in a beautiful smile gives me one half its width.

your father is a morbid man puddy. .. . but morbid can be good if you accept it...
..how can it be good?idunnoimnotmakinganysense............   ..  ..    .well.   i guess if youre in the right mood or in the right setting.(i pictured people. a woman mainly. with dark hair. and everyone had glasses of red wine and were laughing in a short hysterical way. and i realize these people arent representations of people ive seen act like this, theyre representations of me. i kno that feeling which makes that laugh. when hearing stories or seeing pictures or videos of people dying suddenly or getting tortured and the abuser maybe dismembering himself or herself after or committing an interesting suicide which we love to hear about and the sickening brutality and pain and fear and cringing you feel is instantly replaced with a swift too swift and sharp laughter. and these stories are real, otherwise its just silliness or boys being boys with their sick imaginations and saying it just for attention or to be funny or weird.. and we all might question ourselves slightly but either Time or Exposure to the Wicked World or most likely the validation of our indecencies with everybody else's  because its a whole room laughing lets us feel better about it each time but then more ashamed of our withering virtue until we forget. and something to understand from the remark "but either Time or Exposure to the Wicked World or most likely the validation of our indecencies" ad its there is no difference in this matter between the options 2 and 3 because we are the Wicked World. and all 3 are just things we waste. and if not laughing sharplyand loud and insane maybe some of us are at least being entertained while wailing in a definite cringe or exasperation or i dont kno but it is blended with the jovial air of the room. and people and family members laugh with and comfort and joke with eachother like a pride or a flock or any group of animals showing their young 'here.its ok.its an apple. you can touch it. it wont hurt you. its our food.' but we say "c'mere, the foundation of this world and all its agony will rip you apart, so here, learn how to find joy in it otherwise youll be too effected and will need to be discarded from normal happy people who kno their happiness comes first. because thats how we work as people and as a group. now here, have a drink. we pretend it helps and seek it out against our better judgment because we dont want to exist because weve become nothing in place of the wide range of terrible emotions we should experience when seeing the world for what it is.. ourselves most of all." and i guess that is what i pictured. the average happy people. family people. nice house and aunts and christmas people. and i kno im biased but nothing in this imagery matters. i was supposed to capture just the thoughts which i actually spoke to myself or my dog or whoever but now i have a brick-sized moving picture of my interpretation of happy family americans and other nations and just everybody.  but im no different. deep down anyway. deep down i am selfish and scared and come to the conclusion that the world is too complicated to be fixed and were too dumb to fix it reguardless and more so we are filled with souls which shift too often which we must only watch drift away moment to moment leaving us with many things but definitely a healthy amount of selfishness and, well, psychology i guess. we can figure our race and ourselves out as much as is possible and maybe even be right about some things, but knowing what drives us and feeling compelled are unrelated. too constant of a shift are we to be anything describable in correct terms and too unknown is the future to kno wut form our shift could bring us to. ..this is all absolute nonsense. i started rambling world. u gave me a mouth and i started rambling with it. i am definitely equal to a baby human or animal just shrieking into the world because, well just because its alive. so im a baby with no way of managing my existence other than making sounds because there are ears everywhere and peeing where i lay because its inside of me then it comes out because im unaware of my functions and we all send scattered unfinished nonsense to eachother and they send their own version of it back to the human and we manage to make ourselves sick and destroy our home and we're like an ant colony with no coordination.) and then something about laughter is sometimes a coverup for discomfort, so laughing from something morbid is not good. but then again it is still a laugh, and wut is the point system for laughing goodness and thats it the end jesus christ stop. *******. later. txt me wenever. have fun at ur party. i hope the weathers nice up north and not too cold cuz i kno u hate the cold. and im probably a boring **** saying cheezy things trying to act natural and nice and caring but i have my own agenda and am too unnaware to kno that and therefore will never be able to change for the better because i am a stupid human who thinks they have something figured out about every moment of every day but cant really do anything. cant see myself how others see me and cant feel the right way ong enough to accept it and constantly contradicting my conceptual and moral and spiritual universe and will never realize that 99.9 percent of the time my thoughts are of things like rocks and puffy things and shooting myself in the head and im hungry and **** that ***** and... im such a loser. if i dont start acting and living like a straight shooter my only outcome down the road will be lonelyness, heartbreak. regret. shame. and many other bad things where everything i love is either ded or has abandoned me because i am now a man and there is no such thing as abandoning a man but i am alone and want to die and i do. i **** myself and im ded. and there is no heaven and i have no soul and no one knows im ded and the passerbys and police officers and coroners who kno that im ded dont kno my name. so everyone i ever loved who havent loved me for years will die years down the road with families who love them and i will never cross their minds again. and i will deserve it. and i will pray for satan to devour my flesh and feel a demon inhabit my body along with my terror.