I climb onto the bus
5 days of rain.
I have no destination
but I think I will enjoy the ride.
the water distorts the windows
like peering through old, warped glass.
I am running away
from my life
the people I know
to find a new
place
state of mind
job
person
life
I don't know what I want.
one of those, I think.
I don't know the purpose.
I sink farther into my seat.
I am unstable, like a table with three legs.
buses do not feel emotions.
I am a bus.

I watched him read
my little blurbs
no doubt seeing
whispers of his fingers
tracing its lines.

'it's not the
best thing
I've ever
written,'
I said.

I've always wanted to travel the world.
So I will trek,
Across your skin,
Sail through your veins,
And climb over each goosebump.
Your bones will guide me,
So that I don't lose my way.
I'll explore the ridges of your lips,
And swim in the pools
That are your eyes.
I've always wanted to travel the world,
But your heart
Is where I'll make my home.

build walls of dark blue sweaters and sweet frosting
tell yourself that the arms that bind you are safety
tell yourself that you deserve the quiet

i am a mistake
i am born of skewed accusations and dusty windowpanes
the words that keep slipping through my lips dictate that this end is the one that i belong to
my bones belong to the silence, and i to the ground.

this is my last call.

a,
you are so strong, stronger than i ever was. it's been the best part of my life watching you grow, and i hope you learn from all my mistakes. give the bunny kisses for me.

b,
i can picture how your face will contort the same way i can picture the flowers. with this hand i'm ruining all the chances you had for success, and for that i apologize.

m & i,
you beautiful souls. it was because of you that i made it so far out there. i miss you every single day, and it's because i love you so that i had to leave. you deserve the lives ahead of you.

d,
why did you have to hurt me so much? i was only ever trying to please you. i'm sorry that i kept making so many mistakes. i can't say that i forgive you for all of yours quite yet, but know that this is not your fault.

f,
you are the brightest face on this planet, and i love you so much. my sweet little baby girl, don't lose your light. don't let them break you.

c,
i was done for from the start, and i'd be lying if i said that i couldn't see the way i held so much hope for you. back then, i never thought it'd end like this. i wish i could kiss myself out of your memory. i'm so sorry.

m,
you are the last thing that's making it hard to loosen my fingertips. please try not to cry. you are my best friend, and you've helped me stay strong for nineteen beautiful years. but it's time to go.


i want you to remember how my eyes were. please don't forget my silly jokes and unwanted questions. hold them close to your heart and be grateful that the girl you love is now safe. then, please, let me go.



ag.

fingers numb
as I wait for the bus
while snow falls.

my heart thumps
and blood circulates
to keep me warm.

my soul comes alive
even when I am physically
numb.

an inner fire burns
within me
to keep me warm.

I am free even
when I'm
numb and cold.

i've broken other peoples' hearts
in a vain attempt to understand
how you broke mine
how you could love me
then leave me
with nothing but a cold shoulder
as a consolation prize

and i still don't understand
because i mourn for those
whose hearts i've broken
and i want to love them
even though i can't

but i'm not a mindreader, so tell me:
did you want to love me or
was leaving really so easy?