I had resigned myself
to nothing real. To not feeling. To not needing.
And I was so sure I would be fine.

but YOU found the cracks
and a well timed wave
… of something …
hit like a train.
knocked out all the delusions of contentment

now, stuttering, gasping, dazed

and that lovely light in your eyes
threatens the dark I have become accustomed to

and I just don't know what to do...

no one ever
has affected me
quite so quickly

quite so dramatically

3 days after meeting you
I found myself
drunk on the floor
surrounded by pastels and
charcoal smudged, scribbled
sobbing
puddle of tears and ***** hands

because of you.
That lovely light of you. With flirty grins and passion filled eyes,
and an underlying kindness - big and overflowing with promise

reminding me of everything I told myself I didn’t need, that I could do without. One look from you destroyed it. The wall i’d been working on for so long. And worse, knowing I couldn’t have it. Not now. and never from you

hating you, loving you , thanking you.
**** you.
**** you.

damning you,
as I sit here, grinning stupidly at the sound of your voice. Desperately wanting to feel what has not been felt in so long...

lost you love,
fingers to weak,
and atrophied arms
couldn't hold
the completeness of you.

All my supposed strength
was a sham
wasn't enough
was nothing

and I'm sorry.

*but i won't give up looking for you. because I feel you in my bones, in my blood, in my soul. I will never stop looking for you.

fever builds
in the chilly silence
of loss

slow rising
of heat and anger
and hope

funny,
what sets it off...

a strangers sly grin
reminds me
I'M ALIVE

and all the space
in this bed
has not extinguished me
after all.

there is all this build-up
for those who struggle with the dark
demons that nag at your soul

often the wave
of depression peaks and crashes
uneventfully and unknown to the world

but sometimes
the soul is overwhelmed
and the dark we battle claims another life.

what does it mean
when the dreams you dream
years later, in waking find you?

in response it replied:

material things one weds
will need to be shed
for purpose and light to be true...

in anger I demanded
proof
of your existence

unable to comply

in anger
I sent you away
banished you from my head
i said
i hated you

but i lied
i lied
i lied
i lied

should you ever find this
if  you still hear me
if you  are real or imaginary

i'm sorry
sorry
sorry

*please forgive me