Theres close scattered all over the house and dishes mounted up in the sink and everything has been dark since we returned back home, it terrified me to see one of the strongest men i know, my father, cry. Ive never seen someone hurt so much, i had never seen him cry ever I'm my whole 16 years of life, and it wasn't much he cried for about 3 seconds about 2 times throughout the whole funeral, but the rest of the time when his eyes would not tear, i could see the immense pain in his eyes and it troubled me to see someone so strong and brave break down and hurt, it hurt me to see my father like that my dad has always been a hard person to talk to and an even harder person to relate to. I didn't know how to comfort him nor how to make things better. I haven't seen him since the day we got back we've returned to our usual routine of him going to work at the crack of dawn and returning about 10 and me going to school leaving no time for us to see each other let alone interact with each other.

Torn and unsure, should i follow my instincts blindly or think this throughly, should i keep to myself and stand alone, rely on only myself, or open up, what is right and wrong, should they even be distinguished? Or should life be simply that just life, pure life, just simply living without any expectations or categories? What is there to do? Keep to your self  and do nothing? Or to do everything.

Im a country away from everything and everyone, all my worries are far far away, i have no reason to be sad, but still i find myself here in an empty room crying at 11:36 P.M.

Confused on the perception of wrong and right or if the two should even be distinguished, I'm lost and indecisive on wether i should act based on instinct or thought, I'm uncertain of who i am and what i think, i am unsure of myself and my needs and wants.

everything starts to feel so unreal, I've lost track of who i am, I've lost control and the person i have become feels like a lie, positivity feels so far away, happiness feels so unattainable and i know I'm slowly leading myself to my own demise, I'm slowly dieing  inside and everything is just all depending on time, how long will it take until i crack?

I know you dont notice the way i admire you when you pass by, or when we talk and my eyes light up and my heart starts to beat faster, you are oblivious to what i feel for you, you have captured my attention like no one else ever before, but i know nothing will ever come of this, maybe its because were too different, or timing, or something much more complex that i cant seem to figure out.

Melachonic, yet joyful, and still no care in the world, i don't even know what struggle is, i still don't know what i want, its like a whirlpool of emotions, and i am so unsure of my self, blinded by something unknown to me. Blinded, stopped, and disabled.