powerless to my emotions.
paralyzed by my thoughts.

i want to taste laughter -
remember the ocean at night.
see the stars, smell the salt,
hear the joy echo in the air.
i want to feel alive again.

powerless and paralyzed.
ashamed for needing -
just a little too much.

a cataract of emotion overflowing.
there’s no end in sight.
no wet floor signs.
no life jackets.

i’ve always had a problem pouring too much.
spilling my guts on the floor,
making a mess of it all,
waiting to see how far i could possibly -
fall.

i don’t mean to
i didn’t mean to

my cup is empty and still it never ends.
the water on the floor is turning to ice.
it’s getting colder and colder -
i’m running further and further.

i don’t mean to
i didn’t mean to

i’ll keep trying to run.

-

deep breaths.
do it again.
keep breathing.
do it again.
keep trying.
do it again.  

-

i wake up in a sweat, but i am so cold
i check the clock, its only been an hour
i haven’t slept in such a long time

far, or near
i can always feel it

am i the moth
or am i the flame

-

i watched a man lie there
between the end of a fire
and the means to another
red. yellow. green.
strangers watching at the stoplight
it doesn't mean anything

motionless and turning blue
last breaths mean nothing -
when you're living on concrete
"look away, cross the street"
"eyes down, windows up"

cardboard signs
winter coats
shopping carts
broken totes

flashing lights
ticking clocks

i watched a man lie there
and i never got to see him get back up.

I wish i could explain myself
Fully explain myself...
Stop delivering pain to myself
Be deliberate, and save myself
Instead of filling out the page by myself
Speak in full sentence to you by myself
I'm tired of being lame by myself
Not interested in fame by myself
So the emotions on the page are for myself
I wish i could give them to you myself
Explain why i need all of you to myself
I sorta need saving from myself
And you know what else...
I'm getting used to it being me and myself.