Life
As it seems
Is composed of what we dream
There are good dreams
And bad dreams
Dreams we can't remember
And dreams we never want to forget
I had a dream once
That we had a white picket fence
And our two dogs lazily laid down in the yard
While our children sit under the shade of the tree
I don't dream anymore

I don't sing
Not even by myself I never sing
But on a car ride back home one night
You put on a song both you and I know
And I serenaded the car to the tune
It was off
But I did it anyway
It's funny
Metaphorical or something I never really paid much attention to the exact rules of how to express myself in school
I never sing
But the songs you put in my heart were like church choirs on high
Shouting to the heavens their joys and hopes
To someone who's not even listening
You did too
It was softly
But you sang none the less
For those few moments
On that car ride home
I never wanted that song to end
It's funny
Maybe allegorical who ******* knows
The rules of English don't apply when your name is in my mouth
I spent so much time wishing that the song wouldn't end that I missed part of the chorus
I spent so much time
Wanting time to stop
So I could be with you
Longer

The greatest pain one can know
isn’t external
nothing in this world can damage yourself
more than yourself

We so seldom think that we are our own worst enemy
when we systematically breakdown ourselves
thought by thought
breath by breath
stroke by stroke
the pain in your chest far outweighs the one on your skin
And this distraction is all you have left

These cuts are too deep for any cosmetic solution
the medicine of choice for the mind is at the bottom of a bottle
and the sling on the heart just doesn’t quite cut it anymore
there is no cure all for this pain
There is no grandiose way to tell others
That you don't want to live anymore
That you would rather die
Than to have to suffer
Your own existence
For even
Another
Second

A funny thing about life
You can't use hope and happiness in the same sentence
Contrary to popular belief
You can't be happy and have hope
If you have to hope that tomorrow will be better
You are not truly happy
The mask you wear above the layer of pain you feel is not who you are
You cannot be happy
And hope
That you can snap out of it for just long enough to stop etching lines of pain and guilt into your skin
You cannot be happy and hope that you actually decide you want to wake up and face the sunlight of the next day
To others you can be happy
They don't have to see the storms that rage above your throat and behind your eyes
They don't have to see how what once was a raging forest fire of emotions and joy and happiness and life is now but a single burnt out match not capable of generating enough heat to relight any proverbial kiln
Hope is a ***** word
It hides it's true intent behind a cloud of positivity
And hope is a word I no longer know the meaning of

Time doesn't exist
It's something we only perceive
And it does funny things when I'm around you
For the past few months time has been frozen
The hand of the clocks on your wall glued to one position
3:15
And when I leave your presence it sped up
To breakneck speed
to whenever I would see you next
But now
Now time has slowed to a crawl
The seconds feel like minutes and the minutes hours
And it would help if I didn't keep looking at it
And I know I shouldn't but I do
I count down the minutes like it's all I have left
And it is
Time is all I have left
The ticking sound of the of the clocks on my wall are all I have left
And all it does is serve as a reminder
that I'm not with you

I've never been a believer
In miracles
Spirits
Or God
But the miracle of you
Is more than enough
To turn any non believer
Into a born again Christian

I sat down at the end of my bed today
On my knees
It was such an unfamiliar feeling
But I did it anyways
My hands closed together tightly
I prayed
I don't know who I prayed to
And what I prayed about is irrelevant as well
But I never prayed to a God I didn't believe in
until I met you

I Stitch my lips shut to a conversation I can not start because all it will bring is pain
I want to reach for you but you pull away
I miss the sound of your heartbeat but neither you nor I will feel the weight of my head on your chest because you are too numb
To numb from the past to want to feel the present and too numb to even want to think of a future
All because of him
I want to speak to you
Tell you everything will be okay
Tell you that he was not worthy of your love
But my tongue holds in the silent rage of my thoughts