Drafted into reality
Slated for death
Destined to survive-
Conquer death
Left to face a new reality

After all those terrible memories of
Millions of droplets of dark. red spilled blood cells
Pouring out of my comrades bodies
Feeling the cold limp lifeless
Bodies of friends who used to be there
Before they were gone
Before they went
Six
    Feet
          Under

All those memories
From years of battle
Will haunt me forever
Always be giving me nightmares

Swore to myself I’d never
Revisit the Field of Haunted Dreams and
Lost Memories

I’ll make it to the memorial
Pay my respects
To all those comrades
Who gave up everything
To protect the freedoms
Of our country
All those dear friends who
Deserve to be here more than me

Years have gone by
Time has matured me
Finally made my way
To the memorial

Names of my friends
Flashed through my periphery
As I was scanning that black, granite stone
To see how to personally
Commemorate all the people
Who helped save me


Through the corner of my eye I saw
Written there
Right in front of me
On that black stone wall
Was Me

I had to look back
Make sure it was true
Seeing my name made me
Think about who I was then and
Who I turned out to be
Made me wonder
How things would have been different if
They had called someone else to duty
Instead of me

Would my life have been different
If I finished my education?
Got a real job?
Found a wife,
Made a family
All on my own terms?

Did war make me better or
Would I have been this great on my own?
I was ****** into battle
Forced to grow up
Experienced **** no man should ever have to see
I can’t stop wondering about how
Things could’ve, would’ve, or should’ve been

Will I spend the rest of my life
Asking myself the question of
What if?

Will I ever move on
From my past-
That day my life ended
When I was called to duty
During that draft
Thinking why me?
This shoulda been somebody else

Maybe this pain will never stop
A never-ending well of hurt
Consuming my everything
Pulling me towards darkness
Maybe things would be better
If you heard this cry for help and
Came to save me

Then again maybe
You aren’t what I need
I’m better off
Without you in my life

Maybe this pain was
All because of you
You were never worth my time
This was nothing to you
Too bad the
Joke's on you

Fractured for now
Wait a year or two
Someday I’ll be better
That change in me still won’t be
Good enough for any of you

I’ll be changed
I’ll be better
You can believe  
I’ll be a better person
From all the pain and suffering
I endured because all of you

Those dark shadows inside will
All be gone
Totally out of the picture
You won’t need to pick up the pieces
Or put the puzzle of me together
I’ll be stronger than you remember

Once I’m better
I’ll be over you
Everything you meant to me
All you meant to me will
Only be a memory of
The clingy child I used to be

Finally let go of you
I don’t need you anymore
After all it was all your fault
You were the one who walked away
You were the one that couldn’t commit

You snake
I really trusted you
Venomous lies
Dripped from your tongue
Burnt acid into my ears

You bit me once
Then I was hooked
In love with the
Idea  someone like you noticed me

Somehow I broke free
No longer bound by
Chains of your love
Realizing I always knew
You were never any good for me

Do you see that girl?
The one
Wearing those dark,
Depressing clothes?
With those sad, bloodshot, blue eyes
That always seem to be so far away?
Sitting all alone in the
Back corner of the classroom?
The one most of you people are
Afraid to go talk to?

Do you know her-
That nameless somebody?
Anything at all about
Who she is?
Pain she puts herself through
Almost every day?
Have you seen
Any of the scars she creates
All over her body
To forget the pain of her dark past?
Guess none of you cowards would know
You’re all too afraid too ask!

Do you know where she comes from?
That she was bounced around houses
Never able to settle down
Never able to be part of a family
Do you even care;
Do you sit there
Laughing and smirking;
Just ignoring her?
Well she’s still there!

You should know
That girl is sitting there
Planning her escape from her
Painful, lonely, friendless life;
No one ever took the time
To try to know her

Funny how you had the time to talk about her
No one could ever talk to her

All she wants is for
Someone to show her they care
Someone to tell her
It wouldn’t be okay
If she disappeared

You should be ashamed of yourselves
Someone could’ve helped her
Made the effort to notice her
Showed her that
In time things will get better

One day she’s going to be gone
The rest of you will be left to wonder
What would’ve happened if
One of you treated her better
Instead of ignoring her
You’ll all be left to wonder:
What’s it going to be like
When it’s one of us
Who decides they want to disappear?

They lay there open on the table
Their sharp blades,
Taunting me-
Beckoning me to use them
I stare at them
Wanting to use them
Knowing if I do
It’ll be yet another regret
For someone else

I look away
Urge to use them is overwhelming
Looking at them reminds me of
All the memories
From a time not so long ago that
I was in such a dark place
No one could save me
Seeing them, even now
Reminds me of the other times
I used them
For the pleasure of feeling pain

Just their presence
Reminds of the past-
How right it felt
Pressing them down
Into my wrists
Just to watch the
Rush of blood
Seeping down my arms

I tell myself
Those days are over now
I swear I’ve changed
Even though
The scissors are still there
They mean the same thing
They aren’t who I am anymore,
Just a reminder that I’ve changed

Your life
Fits in a large box
Packed full of
Happy memories

When you left
My heart was shattered
Into millions of
Little pieces
The pain of losing you
Cuts into my heart
Deeper than a knife

Now that you’re gone
There is a hole
Bigger than that box
Left in my heart

When you were here
I couldn’t remember a
Time without you
Spencer you,
Were my whole life
Since the age of 3

We grew up together
You and me
You were my best friend
I treated you like a human
Told you everything
I’d even like to think
You understood me
In your puppy like ways
Sometimes I’d even believed
You even talked back to me


You really were the
Only one that ever
Really knew me


I’d like to believe
Nothing has changed
Up there in heaven
You’re still
Listening to every word I say
Looking down on me
Making sure I’m okay
Even in a space so far away
I can still feel how much you love me
You’re still the one who
Keeps my sanity in check

Spencer you are the best thing that’s
Ever happened to me
I love you
I always will
You’ve been such a
Big part of my life
There through my childhood

I’m trucking on without you
Here on this earth
Just remember:
I haven’t forgotten you yet

Don't you see the tears
Behind these sad brown eyes

Don't you hear the screams
Inside my head
Begging you to stay

I'm here don't you see
I'm not invisible
Just waiting   for you to find me

Don't you smell the fear
Emanating off of me
As you so easily choose
To  walk away

Do you know
all the pain inside
That not even
The blood coming from the
Blade is able to hide

I guess you don't care
Enough to stay
Maybe it's better
If you just walk away