Through wooded glen I walk
looking up at the rain entranced by it.
I'd drown myself in the beauty of it as it falls
if not for the role that death would play
The goosebump feel of its icy fingers gripping
me as it falls off of naked flesh.

Stepped gleefully across a stream
to peer into the crystal waters and watch swirls
of sunlight bounce off of the surface.
The fog rolled past  
tightened its already frigid hold on the earth below it.
I run my fingers through her soil  
caress her oceans, I am as much a part of her
as she is of me.

Ran into the wind feeling it hold me
and try to push me back, lapping all around
but hear not a sound.
She blew furiously through the wood
bending every bough, nearly snapping the saplings in two.
I feel it's warm and gentle embrace
as its fury is unleashed and it's power
is laid to bare on the intrepid soulls
she winds in and out of.

Watched as snow covered mountaintops
were engulfed by the oncoming storm clouds
that bring with them the life
giving rain I drown myself in.
Life renewed to be viewed
yet again by another eye who's wonder
it will capture who's imagination it will light.
Fuel for the fire that burns to create
to live and to enjoy
all that can be enjoyed.

I will move forward
I will move on, I will not be beat down
I will not be broken or bruised.
I will not stop, I will trudge on no matter what
lay ahead around the shadowed corner.
I will venture forth the world to gain,
nothing to slow me down.
I am not the victim nor will
I play the antagonist.
I am my own hero, I will save me from
myself and I will not play the protagonist.
I play only the part I wish never the part
Im given and only the part
I want to play at that time.

I am my own person and no one can or
will ever change the me I wnat to be for me.
I can take on the world or watch it all go by.
You see thats my choice
not yours to make for me,
for fear of the unknown or
for fear of what cant be seen.
I refuse to live in the fear that binds you because
I refuse to be bound by fear or controlled
by what consumes you, your hate your only friend.
I am not your enemy, I dont want to fight you
and would rather be left alone .
I am not here to take over
or to usurp your power of position
or your stature among warriors.
I am no threat to you but please
do not misunderstand me, I will not bow down.
I will not kiss your feet
I will not kneel at your the sound of your coming.
I will not throw myself at your feet
for you to gain power over me.
You control me no more than you control your goldfish,
Im not your slave not your servant.
I am my own man,
My own being, My own person,
I am not afraid of  you nor should you be afraid of me.
I will help you if I can
but expect nothing in return.
I help mearly for the enjoyment of helping.
I am who I am because of all of the singular events in my life
both as a child and as
I continue to age that have shaped me.
I am who I am because of the choices
Ive made that have put me where I am now.
Like me or Hate me I am Me.
I never asked you your opinion so
I will thank you to keep it to yourself.
I never gave you my opinion but
if youd like I can I can even promise you wont like it.
I never said I liked you
or wanted to be your pal
so get out of my face I beg of you.
I never said I hated you or that you where my enemy
so please if you like say hello
but I dont promise to say hello back.
I never said I wanted to make your company
but if you must know
my name is whoever I chose to be at that time.

No really I enjoy your company,
come on over any time just
dont expect me to be your best friend
or to be the most welcoming host.
I am who I am because I like me the way I am,
If you dont like me that way then
I dont need you as a friend.

Crashing before me, hysteria grows, gripping me tightly, deep in its throes.
Ripping and gnashing, its teeth shining white, killing my sanity, swift with one bight.
Splitting apart, my seams at each stitch, something misfired, must be a glitch.
Faster, still growing, this hysteria prides itself for knowing the  insanity it guides.

Was I told this to comfort, to quiet or placate or pacify me, was I told this to soften, to butter me up, or just shut me out?
Why do I feel like a cats toy, your amusement when boredom sets in?
Why did you say those things you said, those  things I have so long wanted to hear since discovering this new side of myself.
Since being able to show this side of myself. Since being able to be open and honest with myself. And isnt that what everyone tells everyone, whenever someone is dealing with what I am going through, what we are going through? Dont they always say "you have to be honest with yourself"?
Well this is me being honest with me. I aint tryin to hide how I feel inside, about what I read and this aint in my head, cause I saw what I saw in your eyes what was in your head when I read what you said. You said to me, my one and only you want me to be, my slave, your Master you want for me.
Why did you, would you, how could you say that if you didnt mean it?
Why did I, would I, how could I feel that if I didnt mean it?
Because felt it profound, the words all around, in my head the things that you said, that reaction to the  words that I read. It took my breath away, faint felt I, to be sure.
And now Im chewed up and spit out. I get to have a new reaction to what my eyes were given to glean. This aint putting my hysteria at bay, I feel this, this blur, a smudge of yesterday.

Sanity slipping quickly away, for fear of loosing, I can not stay.
Hear I have, things I never wanted to know.
Now Im thinking clear. I guess I should just go.
Didnt think it mattered, this hysteria scattered . I just wish I knew, How the **** do I feel according to you.
This is not normal, these hysterics I sheath, holding so tightly I can not breath.
Twisting and churning, deep down inside, nor running away from the feelings I hide.
I so enjoy being toyed with, its so fun for you. These things running around these things that I see.
I got everything told me completely twisted up, cause it didnt mean **** thing you silly pup.
I just let out the thing that I hid and wish I didnt feel what I did.
Now I guess Im supposed to pretend, I felt nothing from what was said in the end.

She calls everybody "love" so how is it special when She says it to me?
Ive never really noticed till now thats just her way I guess.

   Now Im torn again though not as bad as the first game of slight of heart!
Ive got to come to terms with the way I feel or let it drag me down this time for real.

   She captivates me completely and I seem not to hold her gaze and still I manage to torture myself into the dieing days.

  I beg her touch to free me from this My prison cell, Her face all that I see. I beg her touch to my heart relent to feel her skin again.

   She keeps me holding open the vail that hides away the things I like not to share. Share them all with her Ive done and Most Ive told no one else.

   I let myself float away so I can feel hows shes made me feel before and all I see Is her standing there looking up at me.

   She walk beside me hand in hand yet her hand is not the one I hold.
Attached it may be but its not givin freely, perhaps one day it will be so that I might be that close.

   Ill let myself out, I dont wish to overstay my welcome here so I will see myself to the door. Please dont, however, think of me as gone, Ill come back round from time to time just to see Whats new in town and see if and where you can be found...

And I sing the song carried on the breeze...before I fall to my knees and exclaim, that I dont feel the same, after the rain...it invigorates me to breath that air, to fill my lungs with the purity of the sea and the fury of the wind...

  And I Fall to my Knees and Cry Out, let my spirit sore across the plains so that I might see with eyes of eagles. Let my heart be filled to the capacity of over flowing, so that I might love like no other before me. Let my mind be filled with the knowledge of my generation and those before me, so that I might share it with the world, to learn a better understanding of that world.

  And I Stand arms Open Wide to receive the Love Ive felt all this time from every prayer that has come my way. I cast my eyes to the heavens and pray they not be burned out from the purity that it brings.
So let me share with you, this invigoration anew that you might feel inside of you, this something in me new.

  And I Feel on My Skin the Breeze blowing by and the life that it brings to the skin it stings. I feel the electricity flowing deep within me to be let out by her who can handle me, that fury deep inside from which I can not hide. So let me see in you, what change you bring to me, so together we share a love for all to see.

  And I Have found that strength abound to pick me up from ***** ground, brush me off and onward walk to mountain top, to mountain top. A giant among the people, surveying all before my feet with a fervor few can meat. I say to you from where I stand, the world is rather grand. So take your place among the thorns and fall in to the normalcy, as for me I will continue to find what make her unique among the roses.

She slipped away, right through my fingers
I watched her and was powerless to stop it.

  She poured through my hands as if water to the sands
I couldnt retrieve a single grain  from where she left her vibrant stain

   She was, or so I thought, a way out of this dismal place
Now here I sit longing to run my fingers lovingly down her face

   She sits there now, far away, across the room deepening my gloom
I reach for her from afar to feel her arms save me from terrible doom

   I watched her slip away and vainly wished her stay, in fact I even begged.
Nothing, not a grin or glance or stair or inclining of a care.

   I sit here more confused and feeling somewhat used, knowing that I cant have whats being sought by the bleeding ***** on the floor under the boards creaking and groaning. Its all I hear, the constant fear, that she will leave. My heart on sleeve is waring out its welcome kept so I dont pout.

   I watched her slip away, the sand simply moved to swiftly for me to keep pace. I could not see past the feeling in me to simply watch her walk away and always in my heart stay. So I reach for her hand In hopes that she will take my heart instead, but I must have hit my head, cause Im fuzzy inside but heavy and insecure.

   I want her for my own but her I can not have for her affections are not just to me but to another whom I see as a brother to the likes of me. Now I find myself in the same boat I was in as a knee high to a grasshopper, loosing what I want too a longer time from start and Im trying not to fall apart.

Aching neck and back, soothed.
Stiff sore muscles from the hike in and the previous nights vigor, relaxed.
Step in, sit down, lay back, breath out, breath in, feel the warmth seep in.
Soak it up let it devour you, let it consume you and take you away.

   Aching tired feet, soothed.
Stiff, sore muscles from the prior nights vigor gone but the memory stays.
Dip under feel that warmth envelope you, cocooned again, inwombed again.
Senses hightnd  keen to the shrill of a whippoorwill, the sulfur gallivanting before your nose.
A touch on your shoulder shimmies down your leg to your toes, breath in breath out there it goes.

   Crisp the evening air around you, a little angel hug, her arms of fog the gentlest of touch still, it too shimmers to your toes.
Bright the moonlight through the ever thickening clouds still enough too see the silhouettes of the faces looking round.
Tranquility abounds in glory all around, where everything goes both noticed and unnoticed, you heard the shrill of that whippoorwill yet its call did not intrude upon your state of zen.

   Breath in, hold          , breath out slowly, let it just seep out  now feel that, yes, clean, crisp, rejuvenating.
Listen to the trees hear the old man in the forest he speaks gently to you, listen close, for what he has to say is for you alone.
When you leave this place, and you will go, you will leave with a since of euphoria and wonderment but your not leaving now.

   Even the others voices cant intrude upon this moment, cant invade this serenity.
Let go of the things in your mind that have been plaguing you, turn them out and block them from reentering.
Breath, dont forget to breath so that your lungs can purge all that need not be taxing your breth.
Remove all that encumbers or hampers you, its not needed and optional here now just relax and enjoy all that there is.

   Let the fog envelope you, breath it too in, its silent vapor a most refreshing breath.
Watch as a little flame dances before you then disappears, dances and disappears again.
Now watch as the glow that flame created slowly dies before your eyes.
Breath in while the flame is bowed toward your feet, exhale as the flame dances around your eyes and blinds you from the shadows and silhouettes.

   Let free the sole to fly around you to see what cant be seen by the naked eye that is hindered by its captor.
Here in this serenity and tranquility you can sore where eagles were meant to fly.
Here you can let yourself go completely you can surrender to whatever side of you, you choose, be it animalistic or or sensual, or it be tamed and conquered.

   I choose as I sit here in these hot springs to feel the angel hugging fog envelope me and hold me till Im delirious from her touch. I choose to allow the warmest breeze blow over me and let my sole fly away with it. Through the mountains around the river bends and out to the world at my feet, my oyster presented to me in a dish most pleasing to this minds palette.

Hot springs across the valley from the backdrop of the emerald green forest wall.
  Fog rolled in thicker and thicker with every passing minute bringing with it a stillness and a calm.
  A sharp strong beam of light cracks the night and falls against the forest backdrop.
  Little more than a slit of light really, penetrating through the fog and carrying with images disturbing of creatures great and small
  Creatures that had long sharp teeth, creatures that had heavy huge paws and fast long legs.
  Funny creatures and sad creatures too went calmly and serenely  galumphing through.
  Shadows here and shadows there shadows on that emerald  green see of forest falling before my gazing eyes.
  Puppets dancing at every command as if they were controlled by the trees them selves.  
  We see em there standing waiting in the dark knowing around the next sliver of light another will be.
  Are we creating them the puppets or is the forest really in control, of dancing the puppets we see.
  Elephants and Turtles, Bears and Rabbits, Giraffes and Ducks, Tigers and Mice around the next sliver of light.
  Oh we watched and were amazed by the shadows dancing on the forest wall and playing in the fog this night,
  Shadows made to be filled we filled full of community and strength held by a few shadow puppets on the forest.
  Shadows dancing, shadows playing, shadows pouring onto the emerald forest floor.
  Shadows lost there way again did they fall out of favor again oh no the light burned out the shadows stopped the hot springs was quiet.
  Play with your shadows remember when you made the puppets, out there the puppets where may as well been me as a kid again.
  Next time I go into the forest Im bringing my dancing shoes and Im playing with the shadows again.

Been so ******* and frustrated lately,
that I think everybody ****** hate me.
Somebody say some **** dat shoulda never been said.
so I sit around and mope cause I took it the wrong way.

Its all ****** up, they all goin they own direction and im lost
so all i do is sit an scratch my head  an wonder whats the ******  cost.
I dont want to have to be the one to pay the price for him ****** up his life. So insteada goin toe to toe and throwin blow for blow, im gonna smoke anotha  bowl.
I didnt ask for the silence or the tears and I aint gonna try to wipe away his fears. I got enough of my own without addin more. I dont need all this stress and I feel funny in this dress. No, Im not really wearin a dress but I bet I gotta laugh like a Jedi. I played their little mind trick on myself and seems to be workin cause now Im on a role.

  So now I guess I gotta impress, aint that what you supposed to do when all the fingers are pointed at you, oh, no, wait thats the wrong word, ****, ****, ****, **** it you **** ****, brain work right, the right word is: interrogate. Nope **** it that aint the right word either, so what am I supposed to now, cause I done lost that ****** word somehow. I thought I was on a role mane **** now I need to hit the next train, take anotha good long **** from the **** mane. Maybe that **** im smokin will inspire me to one day be the kinda man I know I wanna be for my little girls sake. Yep, thats right, I said it, I got a little girl now. Never thought that would ever happen, but shes three now. And daddies only gonna be away for a minute cause I gotta get a better education for you baby, so I can give you a better life than I had,  and you dont ever have to think Im a looser Dad. I know baby its pretty bad when I gotta come all the way here to hear that I aint got everything the **** school need like the money the want outta me that I aint got cause I got no job, but I **** sho aint gonna sit around and sob. Ima go to college and make myself a career, so I can better rear or raise you **** I dont like that word either, rear, sounds like im talkin bout my ****, but I aint so dont go gettin all twisted, oops did I just say somethin derogatory there, well I guess not. **** now I gotta knot in my stomach cause all this ***** makin me sick.

  I caint keep up with all the **** goin on here mane cause its like cane slew able and Im un able to understand why I feel like Im bein pushed aside but I aint tryin to hide from no one cause I love all an I dont wanna see em hurt each other anymore. So I pick the pieces off the floor and I do my best to put em back together agin but then I sit an wonder why do I try I know they just gonna tell each other one thing and tell me a lie. Whats makin it worse, is this thing like a curse, that hangs on me heavy like water against the leavy. I done went and got myself stuck, in a major royal mind ****. You see that triangle over there, yep that me in the middle of it and it all just comes crashin down around me. Now I just want it all to stop pounding and for the voices in my head to go the **** to bed and let me sleep to cause the first thing Id do is. TELL EM HOW STUPID THIS **** IS, YOUR WRONG, GROW UP.

  But anyway I digress, or is it egress, **** it dont matter, I aint the Mad Hatter and I found the right word but Ima be a **** and let it go unheard till I see fit, Yeah a little taste of it, control, there you go, its right there in front of my face. Just as plain to see as My Space. Hes a bit of a control freak. Oops I forgot, Im not, I like to treat people, like I like them to treat me. See how that works, its a little thing called respect, you should learn it sometime. Hell aint they a song by that name I do believe Id have to leave the room now If I didnt tell you Aretha Franklin sang R.E.S.P.E.C.T. she know what it mean and you can learn it too I hope somehow. But anyway I gotta go now, and I guess Im finished with my rap now, so im out, gotta preform.

Sandman find me, are you looking?
Sandman look for me, are you finding?
Slumber ceases while delirium increases.
Setting in to take its hold, Sandman left me cold.

  Wheres the dream when night is come and Sandman has forgot.
Forgot to grant to me this slumber, where dreams come of you.
Your the reason that Im not sleeping, wheres my Sandman now?
Now for her your job complete, please Sandman, grant me sleep.

  Here sit I the time is nigh for Sandman to come again.
Again I say where has Sandman gone I need to dream.
Dream again of fairest face but Sandman took its place.
Place on me mine misery of slumber turning out my light.

  What now to do that sleep eludes even crafty me?
Drag Sandman from foot of bed and shoot him in the head.
Now hes gone, his spells been lifted, so now I fall to sleep.
Dozing of the slumber, the sleep for which I keep.

ah hear da dog a snorin and da heavy breathin a da wolf
ah feel da wind a blowin and da chill dats brought in with it
  ah see da tings dey creepin to da shadows where dey creach
ah hear da turtle skootin to da den for shelta from da storm
  ah feel a mighty shakin comin out chru da broken ground
ah see a terrible storm a brewin in da distance waitin out its time

  ah watch as tings dey change an no always for da best
ah see da way dey act when dey done know dey bein watched
  ah know da tings dey be doin now dey tink meh watchin
ah see dey know, dey change dey tings dey do
  ah feal da change she comin and comin for ya know dey change
ah can na keep a runnin away des tings ah went an run to far

  meh guess is da was da right ting ta do
meh goin no betray da love dey sho meh
  meh tinks ah done right by him ah wont betray
ah can feel dah silance an da tension in da air
  ah know da time she comin for meh but ah hope she no to soon
ah see whas goin on an fallin down around meh

  ah no goin to pretend no more, des tings bother meh so much
ah no goin to hold my tongue when ah've been offend'd
  ah no goin ta take tings da wrong way any more too much time be wasted
ah got ta find where ah can stole away from da waves of questions raised
  ah feel des tings but can na change dem no more than change shes wanted

  ah hear da dog a snorin gettin after chasen tails
ah hear da turtle skootin to da den for winter warmth
  ah know how what wrong ah've done has come back round
ah can see she been cryin she wares it on her sleeve
  ah can see u no more smilin tryin headed for da bed
ah know da whistle ah hear come runnin o da trouble, ah stay out

ah really hope mah words done fall on deff ears
ah really hope dey hit home and squash all mah fears
  ah really hope mah actions done land on blind eyes
ah really hope dey too hit home an silance all mah cries
  ah really hope mah love done fall on a broken hart
ah really hope it hits home and keaps meh from fallin apart
  ah really hope mah faith done find a fallin soul
ah really hope it his home and leads mah to dah final gole
  
  ah really hope ahm lisnin when dey speak ta meh
ah reall hope wah dey say gets through an saves meh
  ah really hope ahm ready when ahm called to prove
ah really hope dey prove ahm worthy of her too
  ah really hope ahm not da broken hart
ah really hope da pieces can na be taken back apart
  ah really hope ahm faithful when da sole come callin
ah really hope dat sole done do meh in to da dien

I keep sitting here waiting.
Im waiting for the little red lite .
Im waiting for the little red lite on my phone.
Im waiting for that little red lite to turn blue.
When It does Ill pick up my phone expecting.
Ill pick up my phone expecting a text.

I dont know what im expecting to read in this text I only know what I sent.
I said what I feel, I know that much for sure. Im curious?
Im curious where I stand?
Im curious where I stand ?
I sit here and wonder am i waiting for some kind of edification
Am I waiting to hear that I triumph over another
Am I waiting to hear that Im Loved more or something
Who In the Hell am I trying to kid here
Whos eyes am I trying to pull the wool over
Ive been kidding myself for far to long
It makes no difference if I am loved more or not
It doesnt change the way I feel one way or the other
Im curious where I stand so I can be honest with myself
I need to know the man I see in the mirror every morning is the man I want to see

Cant hold her
Cant touch her
Cant see her
But love conquers all
And I Love Her

  Cant have her
Cant feel her
Cant taste her
But love conquers all
And I Love Her

  Cant breath her
Cant live her
Cant smell her
But love conquers all
And I Love Her

  Cant show her the affection she wants, at least not here.
Cant whisper those sweat nothings into her ear, at least not here.
Cant tell her how I feel by word of mouth, at least not here.


  Oh how things would be different if she were my slave.
Her ***  cherry red from the cane cause I cant touch her. Her mouth gagged so I cant hear her. Tied around her waist shes bound, can not move but off of ground.

  Oh if she were my slave, bowed before me at my feet she'd kneel, keeps her on an even keel. Tied her ankles hand and feet for my pleasure she would meat. A cat of nine tails should do just fine, shell never forget that she was mine.

  Oh the punishment would be swift, she would know that Master was miffed. Kiss my boots, she doesn't deserve the reward, her cries for release strike the wrong cord.  Spank her more she's not getting it right, they'd hear her scream, long into the night.

  Alas I digress, my slave she is not, but that does not mean my heart she's not caught. Collard her I have yet to do, but she will ware mine before we are through. I loved her now, Ill love her till death, for she is the one who took my last breath.

  She will give freely to me, her body mind and sole to do with as I see.
Ill be her Master strong and firm, gentle and loving ill watch her squirm. She might not ware my collar around, but I know she will before I go in the ground.

  Cant hold her
Cant touch her
Cant see her


  Cant have her
Cant feel her
Cant taste her

  Cant breath her
Cant live her
Cant smell her

Though I am not her Master, she is torturing me while she can.
Though she is not my slave, I'm her one and only, I'm her man.
Though I am paralyzed to do nothing for now, this will all change I hope some how...

She is wonderful
I'd stare at her picture for hours
  Hell I'd even give her flowers.

  She is beautiful
I'd listen to her voice for days
  Hell I'd even give her praise.

  She is gorgeous
I'd look at her reflection for weeks
  Hell I'd even give her tweeks

  She could smell the flowers and know shes wonderful.
She could use the praise to feel better when shes beautiful
She could use the tweeks to feel shes gorgeous.

  I cant get enough of the softness of her voice.
Curious, does her skin feel the same as soft as I think her lips to be.
Im not that geek anymore. Im not the kid in the corner of the class.

  Speak softly to me oh lips of your, tell me what is now in store.
I dont believe I told her, that Im falling faster for her.
She has this way that makes me melt, every kiss and touch is felt.

I hate this,
this hate I feel.
Is it simply imagined or is it really real?
It didnt set out to be this way, this thing inside where I hold no say.
This cant be how I feel, so I know this isnt ******* real.

  It was fine till it got broken, now I cant fix this treasured token.
Doesnt matter what I do, and no this sadness is not from you.
It started before all of that, now the pain becomes a bat.
Crashing hard across my skull, all the feeling void and null.
Wake up screaming in the night, memories dreamed a dreadful fright.

  Thankfully a slight reprieve, nothing doing I didnt leave.
Now however here I am, someone I hope will give a ****.
Something inside I want pushed out, I hardly know who I scream about.
I cant undo what has been done, but **** you anyway oh the fun.

  I hate this,
this hate I feel.
Is it imagined or is it real.
I didnt put it there so I need to put it out
  I hate this,
this hate I feel. THIS ******* SUX,  IT CANT BE REAL!!!

the love i feel that bleeds away inside the dieing day
the pain i feel the same way it came leaves on me its darkened stain
little by little it eats at me until i go insane

  the fire that burns is going out for all thats torn about
put asunder this thing inside from which i want to hide
so real i feel the thing that burns the beauty in the rain

  the passion isnt gone its still lurking at my foot
i feel it too draped over me its blanket stitched of soot
the wait of it is crushing me this blanket set me free

  the past is real all to real all i see is it
before all this the pleasure there is all that i can bare
i miss it now the fires gone but to me it will burn back

  the love i feel is bleeding through its way to you
beating down your door to whisper in your ear all you want to hear
i wrap my arms around myself and the hug just does not fit
so around you now i throw my arms and look that was really it

  the love i feel is burning now brighter than it had
i found in me renewed i see the strength to feel her touch
to give it back in spades i will when left of this there isnt much
but now i see unless it be  that burning is of me...

i hate this it feels icky
i keep doing it to myself
my perception is off

  i go on total melt down
it seems even that does nothing
says its not intentional

  id rather be in the dark
if this is how it feels
it may not be but still

  im dysfunctional for sure
id stay pent up in the dark
it seems that way know its not

  i wish i could get away
its nice there with the mushrooms
its inescapable i guess

  in the blink of an eye gone
in the dark full of it all the time
i feel empathetic to them

  in a fraction of a second fly away
in the comfort of its serenity
in its embracing arms always there

  i feel alone again and I dont like it
i feel like im not wanted and its dragging me down
i know its not meant like that as i said my perception is off
i try to get through but havent found a way

  i want to be close when its being pulled away
i want to be close but there is nothing in front of me when i reach out
i want to walk beside not follow or lead ill even carry but no
i want to not feel this way so i can be the me i know me to be

  i must like being the lowly little thing
i keep taking everything wrong so i do it to myself
its the only conclusion i like the punishment
is that it thats what ive been clamoring on about how lonely i am and how i feel like a mushroom and that i dont like to be alone and that i keep yammering on about it all the time taking everything wrong again like i cant do anything right again its the same old song and story even when someone else is telling it right down to the brass tax of all the sordid details of it is what it is i guess it is this way that when its gone i want it to stay and when its here i dont ever want it to go away and i dont mean stay as in never come back more like never have left no i prefer rite even if its wrong i know ive done a lot of it as late im glad im not but then i have a watch so i shouldnt be but here i am once again running at the mouth of a river thats been opened up and gushing out is all of this this confusion and chaos that festers here inside this ear to hear with which i have done to keep myself from getting hurt but seems it not to work because i havent put it up didnt need too hide away from here id like to but it wouldnt prove my point that reading all of this garble might that i feel like the words here look all strung together no discernible point to stop on just a lot of tangled mess of nerves and frayed misfires and take a step back to see the fray that done i am i know i should have been done a long time ago i said i loved a girl and then i got hurt and we all know how the story goes to where i can write another one that makes since to me so i can understand the break thats needed from me to you id give my all and everything i do is for a reason too that might not be apparent now i will try again and maybe get it right in front of me where i can see and this wont be gone again the nerve to say whats on my mind my manners i do to say to you that this really hurts to know a break is needed from the what i didnt do what was done to you know i said im through but had to say again i dont know what to think but in the back of my mind i know i do it too so why cant i see past this thing that makes me feel like this so loved and cared for that she loves me as i love her and it really isnt me im just afraid im paranoid say whatever you like i know now that im taking it wrong twisting it past its means stretching it beyond its strength to withstand this thing called a rollercoaster ride of your life get in sit down hold on and scream at the top of you twisted little head for the door no more the reason to stay has overwhelmed me once again so here i am take it or leave it this is me alone in the im afraid of the dark outside the place i hide away from where i stay at home alone in a croud full of people i go to the church to see the steeple that comes to a point of wich i know none about this thing that makes me want to shout out loud above the clouds of crouds so i can see in front of me to understand the problem at hand the break she needed to take it away from here the pain you feel because of that shell get it back i know she will but still this is how i feel...

Im craving something and I know exactly what
Im craving her touch the feel of skin on skin.

Im craving the love we feel when our nerves are stretched out wire thin.

Im craving the heart I feel when she is herself and shes wanting it to be felt.

Im craving her breath in my ear when the only thing I want to do is fall into her and melt.

Im craving her whisper when I need to feel her gentlest nudge to set me back up right.

Im craving me to spoon with her when she just wants to lay in bed and wake at window cracking morning light.

Im craving us hand in hand walking on the beach, we find a spot somewhere private but exposed and make love in the misty evening breeze.

Im craving us as children running through fields and climbing mountain trees.

Im craving the closeness we share that was disrupted in a fury of words and recklessness.

Im craving her blue when she wants to be orange and her purple when she wants to be a yellowness.

Im craving her a compliment when she is the one who needs lifted cause she does not think shes perfect.

Im craving a walk in the rain hand in hand to sing and giggle and feel and just be the imperfectly perfect beings we are. Im craving something and I know exactly what I want...

I Want Her.

We're not meant to be alone
We're not meant to be ignored
We tend to feel rejected, when we are ignored
We tend to feel dejected, when we are alone

Id like to think that anyway but sometimes we find ourselves being ignored and alone.

Id like to think I was the first person in your life to hear happy news.
Like the way a walk in the woods made you feel.
Perhaps how cold your toes got because your shoes were to thin.

Id rather not feel blue because my heart is true to you and when you are away my heart with you will stay

Id like to know how you feel behind that wall of steel, that for what ever reason you wont let me through, to the heart of you

Id like to be so close to you that you never need or feel the want to be away from me.

Id like to think that I was the one you went to when your heart is broke and bleeding and the tears wont fall any more

Id hope to be the one you see when in the mirror you look and dont want to see you staring back

Id hope to be the reason that you never look in the mirror and dont want to see your reflection looking out

Id like to think that when you need to cry the shirt I am wearing is the shoulder your resting your head on

Id hope that my arms are the ones you need and want around you when you feel you want a hug

Id like to be the only one you turn to when your not having a good day and your world is closing in

We as are not meant to be alone and we are not meant to be ignored. I will never ignore her and she will not be alone unless she wants to.

It hurts to see, in front of me, a broken beauty bee to see.
Hear I do,  a tear or two, fall right through, the air to you.
Nothing done, I can not take, but heal the heart, I did not break.

Mend it slowly with gentle touch and gentle word.
Does not take, but what is want, gives back not but what is no.
Hearing only through the heard, seeing only, vision blurred.

Pleading out, attention needed. Coming through, broken bleaded.
Desperately, clawing, shaking. Holding to, what is breaking.
Panic now, tole is taking, setting in all this faking.

Realization of the fear.  All is not, end is near.
Groping wildly in the dark for a smolder or a spark.
Finding nothing but the coals, broken, bitter, all these wholes.

Pictures, pieces, fragmented life, senseless vision, blurry knife.
Edges faded, whole or part, from beginning to the start.
Turned and went, the other way, now forever, gone to stay.

Put together, take apart, all the pieces of the heart.
Whole again, to make of it. Every piece, broken, bent.
Rifled through, figured beat. Two hearts whole, both complete.

this ting  dat im feelin this hive in my mind
this singular consciousness of twisted thoughts
thoughts of what is wanted and of what can not be had

  strangely i hear a bird

this obsession of mine of these thoughts in my head
im still the odd one out a fifth wheel if you will
all of this incessant hurt inside of what i can not express

  strangely i feel a feather

why can i not see past this singularity this idea
this tangled tumultuous event in my mind a sty in my eye
i can not seem to pry it out this hive thought this

strangely i hear a chirp

all of this slow its making me mad and still it stays
this unrelenting thing that is selfish at me it plays
i want this maddening thing gone away far aways

strangely i feel a wing

yet this flies not away from me where I cant hear or feel or see this thing that drives at me and maddens to the sickening of me the passion the intensity of this thing I feel and see
this thing I want and can not have it slowly to will drive me mad this insatiable feeling to posses the passion it must hold because it makes me feel in me a thing ive never had for me and stirs me how it does how can i hold it back and still see whats right in front of me this thing I want but can not have these feelings that burn inside and wont fly away i must betray i do in word the thing that has a hold on this part of the one of i see...

What is this, this incessant need to help?
Why must I help everyone whos path I cross?
Be it emotional or physical, monetarily or otherwise.

I have to help but want none when I need it.
I can handle whatever baggage is placed upon my shoulders,
but I cannot seems to handle my own
and im being crushed under the wait.

What is this paradox that I'm in?
How do I stop this ride from spinning so fast?
Its making me sick but I dont want to get off.
How is it that I can handle everyones burdens?

I can help you, If you'll let me.
I'll carry that for you if youd like me too.
I'll walk that line if you need it.
I can be that person for you. I can whatever you need me to be
I can  handle it cause I have to, cause I want to, cause I need to.

I wish I knew why I dont want anyone to help me
I just know I feel free of the emotions that seem to plague others.
So I guess I need to feel them through everyone else.

Love, Joy, Pain, Hate. I feel these
Sadness, Misery, Suffering. I feel these
Kindness, Caring, Empathy. I feel these
Hope, Passion, Trust. I feel these

I feel emotion I am just not controlled by them,
I rule them not they rule me.
I can not not help someone but I dont want help when I need it.

Thanx for the crumbs they taste great, they are a little green though. **** it I don't want crumbs, I don't want a piece of the pie, I want the whole **** thing.

Thanx for the bone, I gnawed on it all day, though I it was a bit green too. I'm sick of the bones, and I don't want scraps from your self indulgent plate. I want the whole **** steak.

Thanx for wasting my time. It took a while to do but I got it done and it was good but you wasted it anyway. Now I think I will Just burn it. I'm sure you wont mind, it's of no consequence to you.

They don't understand, That was my foot in the door that just got slammed in my face. Oh sure you'll use it on a secondary nature, tertiary at best. No prominence there, I guess you don't think the for front is good enough for the sounds you'll be making. Mine sounds are wailings.

Thanx for investing in me only to pull your offer back then wag it under my nose like yer teasing a dog. Its nice to know you believe in what I do. Its okay though, really, I can handle.another scar. They just add character.

But hey you gotta go with what's gonna work best for Your bottom line to pad your pockets, ***** the little Guy, He don't need to catch a break even if he shows he can do it the hard way. It was only my foot in the door but its okay, you didn't break it when you slammed the door shut on my face.

Thanx for your crumbs and bones. They taste great.

yesterday i wandered away from myself
i found myself looking back at what i thought was me
but the someone looking through the mirror didnt see

the someone not seen didnt know i was looking and felt left out
the left-out one looked around and seen all that had been looked in on and stepped out of the mirror to go back from then on

then on went the symphony of the seeing and the seen all that is there to be seen is there right in front of what i thought was me
on with all the looking and seeing back at me

yesterday i wandered away from me to see the other mees that visit every once in a while and i find i like all the mees i see even if they cant see me

i broke the me seeing mirror i was getting bored with it i started to see the me that i didnt want to see the twisted feeble dying old me
that scares me the feebleness the frailty of it all

i put the pieces of my me seeing mirror in a dresser drawer
so i could put them back together again when i am that feeble old me so that hopefully ill see the me i want to see again.

i know that me is still there and that me sees me now looking at it wondering the same thing as i is that the me i used to see when i saw the feeble me old dying me that me scares me.

so the me i see broke the me seeing mirror cause he was scared of me...