You have no idea, do you? You don't realize that every time you tell me you love me is another dig into my own grave. And every time I remember that you don't is another pinprick that never heals. I've got scars on my back from the last time you kissed me and there are bruises on my arm from when you last looked me in the eye. I miss you so much that I feel like every thought of you constricts my chest and makes it hard to breathe. All I ever wanted was to have your hand in mind and feel like for once I'd never have to be so alone every time I walk past another tree.

I remember the last time you made me smile. You were lying on my lap the day before you had to fly off and you were listening to me talk about the other people I had known from my journey then to now. I was playing with your hair and I remember thinking that there was nowhere else I'd rather be and no one else I'd rather be with.  I remember thinking that maybe I could finally set my roots and follow one path to one place, but you took that away from me.

In the same day, you put a stake through my heart when you disappeared and said nothing, no call, no whisper about leaving so I started walking back home but waited at the end of the road for an hour to see if you would follow. You didn't. Love didn't.

I was already in love with you then. And it hurt to realize you didn't really care all that much to make sure I got home safe.

We ended things. Or at least I did. You argued that even if you were in the middle of a vast ocean and I was on the mainland, our love could've traveled distances and I reminded you that there was no love here and that you were the one who told me without saying a word that you held no love for me but expected me to love you in places beyond our reaches of the galaxy.

But my hands could only stretch so far, and my heart could only take so much before the pain of being with you and without you all at once began to dance on my skin like folk songs around a bonfire.

I know my heart and I know that it believes in the worlds away and it holds so strongly it can hardly take the pain but keeps pumping anyway. But for once, the blood pumping in my veins understand that it's alright. It's alright to let go of love and it's alright to let go of you. My eyes understand it's okay to weep and that my lungs breathe better without tears choking it.

My hands will shake and be taken over by tremors but they'll know that you were never love and love would never again be you.

Dear Prince Charming;
          Today is the first time I've heard of you!
          I'm so excited for the day you'll find me
          Then we'll live happy-tedly ever after!

Dear Prince Charming;
          Today is my nine-eth birthday
          I hope I get you next year!
          Then I'll have someone real to play with

Dear Prince Charming;
          Today is a scary day
          Daddy isn't smiling at Mommy
          You have to promise
          to always smile at me okay?

Dear Prince Charming;
          Today it's been 4 years since I first heard of you
          Mom and Dad aren't speaking anymore
          I need a friend

Dear Prince Charming;
          Today Dad left the house
          I can hear Mom crying in her room
          Don't ever leave me okay?

Dear Prince Charming;
          Today I found out that my friends hate me
          You won't hate me right?
          They said I'm fat and an orphan

Dear Prince Charming;
          Today the kids at school tripped me
          I suppose accidents happen
          When will you be here?

Dear Prince Charming;
          Today I wore a long sleeved shirt to school
          No, don't worry, it isn't cold here
          The kids at school hate me

Dear Prince Charming;
          Today is my 16th birthday
          Will you be here soon?
          I think I need a friend

Dear Prince Charming;
          Today Mom and Dad are finalizing their divorce
          You won't give up on me,
          Will you?

Dear Prince Charming;
          Today I'm staying with Dad
          He has a special friend over
          Don't forget to come find me

Dear Prince Charming;
          Today I've been told that you won't find me
          That's not true right?
          It's very lonely

Dear Prince Charming;
          Today I slept through school
          I just couldn't find a reason to get up
          Reach here soon

Dear Prince Charming;
          Today is already tomorrow because it's midnight
          If you're close by please let me know
          I need you

Dear Prince Charming;
          Today I know you're not real
          But I wish you were
          Who else would love me in this cruel world?

Dear Prince Charming;
          It's 2am and everything is looking darker than before
          I can't stop crying
          Please be real

Dear Prince Charming;
          I don't know who you are
          I don't know if you exist
          But I love you

Dear Prince Charming;
          I couldn't wait for you anymore
          So I hooked up with the guy next door
          I don't like him

Dear Prince Charming;
          I'm still wearing long sleeved shirts
          The mirrors are broken
          I need you

Dear Prince Charming;
          Today is my 18th birthday
          I'm sorry
          You need to find a new princess to love

Euphemisms are a wonderful thing
you can't deny the joy
such pretty lies bring

"Can I just let go?"
Is me saying
I'd very much like to die

But to you
it may mean
I need to cry

I hate myself
every little thing
the voice in my head
often reminds me
I should be dead

I hate myself
every tiny detail
my body my face
everything I wish
I could easily replace

I hate myself
every thing I do
I talk too much
and think too much
and wish I could find you

I hate myself
every thought I think
I imagine images
of a happy version
of you and me

I hate myself
every word I say
The words that pour out
the way they are phrased
the words I shouldn't have said

I hate myself
every little thing
I wish someone cared
I wish someone could see
this invisible me

I hate myself
every small wish
I wish to die
I wish to sink
but I never do
bc I'm scared to go through

I hate myself
for being so weak
for not being able to fix
the broken thing that is me

She was the Invisible Girl
Unseen by the world
and no matter what she did
no one ever noticed

She was the Invisible Girl
Unnoticed by those she loved
and despite what she's achieved
they never see her breathe

She was the Invisible Girl
Insignificant to her brothers and sisters
overlooked by her parents
she didn't have anywhere to turn

She was the Invisible Girl
I say was because
she's no longer invisible

You know what they say,
"You only hear her screams
Once she's dead."

They say a picture is worth a thousand words and I'm looking to make murals in your likeness
Something that would reflect how truly beautiful your soul is to me

Maybe a watercolour based painting or would pastel-coloured chalk do?

Should I focus on the brightest hues and play down darker tones?
                                                          ­           But your darker side is the part of you I love most.

Let's play with the lighting;
                                               shadows and rays make one more aware

I'd love to create a backdrop, possibly a place you feel most vulnerable and bared
                             The limitless possibilities, the mediums and the inspiration you bring me

Perhaps barring your soul is a tad too blasé?
               Let's dig deeper and find something more suitable for your mural

                                                          ­                                                                 ­        How about an impression?
                                                     ­                                                                 ­                     How I feel about you?

Oh my, that is personal...
                                                     ­   yet entirely too brilliant to ignore!

I could just go on and make a mural that much clearly expresses how I feel about you
The way you talk, the way you walk;

                                                          ­      That particular smile and glint in your eyes
                                                            ­              when something intrigues you
                                                             ­                 and you're up to no good.


Ah, the marvelous mystery I have yet to uncover that is you!
                                                            ­         But the fun is no doubt in trying to capture your essence

Ah, here I go prattling on and on about mysteries and emotions,
I'll get to work and I'll set up my drafts and display them to you...
                                                          ­                The Mural will be breathtaking.

but of course, not as fascinating as you.

Take the stake and break my skin, guaranteed your hands will get covered in sin
For God's sake we're in this lake of blood but we aren't getting any younger,
look at how childish we've been

Twisted games and wandering ghouls, how quick we are to sell our souls
Lost and searching, grieving and wailing
The Great Perhaps may be our downfall

But may the scars litter the places you've touched
We're older, none the wiser and still we do not amount to much
Steal and cheat, we break our vows

To make something of what we had when we left town
Mystical dreams and whimsical fancies, we let ourselves rot to the tales
A dance with Death and burnt flesh, we sacrifice only to burn in hell.

Able minded fables with opposable thumbs, writing how we wanted things to be
On the picket fence like it's a clock, it's become my job to leave the decision to you

But I'm  done following footsteps that have become too big for my soul
Let me slip back into my cocoon until I remember, again, how it feels to fly on my own

A multitude of voices trying to influence my choices
Making notes of what they deem to be right and wrong
And by Royal Decree, they deem themselves as the most supreme
To have sights on only one road and forgetting of the others that are at their disposal

And my mind takes it in like a dry sponge over water
Overloading, always screaming
And it drives me into myself again, just further
Learning to let go of the only thing keeping a firm hold of reality to finally being free

Crack open the crevices of my chest
And let my soul be freed of the binding hands
Holding it back from what it seeks
A never-ending spiral of vertigo

Sometimes I wish I was better at goodbyes. Maybe instead of saying, "See you tomorrow." I could've said, "See you as the seconds become too much of a forever for me to understand time."
Maybe if I was better at goodbyes, I wouldn't have to be so shocked to see you walk pace after pace to put distance in between my body and my heart.
Maybe if I was better at goodbyes, I wouldn't be filling up pages with hope and a loose grip trying to keep you in a place you don't want to be.
Maybe the entire matter of saying goodbye wouldn't be an issue if I followed every hello with a, "May you live long and well without me."
I've been wandering the unlit streets for so long that when a light begins to shine in the eternal night, I latch on to it like a leech latches on to scarlet filled bodies until I've burned out the light.
And I'm so terribly sorry for all the woes I've added to yours and I am forever in your debt; a debt I cannot repay with words or a life.
I'm sorry for the way my shadow casts out your light and the way my hands hold on for longer than you want them to but I've been alone for a long time and I overcompensate my loneliness with what you don't wish to give.
I live my life trying to repay my debts but I am neither oath bound nor promised to you. Nonetheless every drop of life I can give, I will give.
Every ounce of pain I can take, I will take.
And I will not love; for love is a luxury meant to those who deserve it and I don't.
The only goodbye I can muster is the whispers in the wind of the way I could've loved you and every wave of grief the ocean sends as an apology to the shore for leaving so abruptly.
A goodbye was expected and a goodbye will be given
A goodbye you will have to accept and a goodbye I have no choice but to give
For the leaves have long weathered its branches and a parasite is only living through the things it kills and I have killed.
I have killed my strength
I have killed my belief
I have killed my happiness
I have killed you
My limbs are not strong and my arms cannot hold you
My eyes are brimming with pain and I cannot translate unheard promises to you
My ears are covered and I cannot hear your pleas
All I know is the pain of goodbyes and it is all I can ever be
Maybe if I were better at letting myself fall into fierce torrents of water
Maybe if I were better at being a friend, a sister, a student, a daughter, a follower
Maybe if I deserved a sense of happiness and love
Maybe
Maybe then I could be saved
But I am not
And I'm afraid its too late to be saved

I haven't been able to sleep without crying and reaching for you in my bed. I haven't been able to stop thinking about all the small moments you gave me and I haven't been able to go an hour without wishing you could be there with me. I haven't been able to not miss your voice and the way you make me laugh. I haven't been able to look at things and think about anything other than how you're connected to it somehow.

And I feel like I should apologize for having these feeling for you. Like I should apologize for wishing you had held me for a little longer and that when you hugged me for the first time it felt like the last time. I feel like I should apologize for unconsciously thinking of living the rest of my life with you and for crying when I realize it's just another dream when I wake up. I feel like I should apologize for not being able to tell you that I think I love you.

So I've been staying up and replaying every second of the last time we met. I've been staying up and remembering that if you wanted to love me, you would have by now. I've been staying up and recalling every touch, every word and every smile. I've been staying up and hoping that when I fall asleep I'll feel you again only to wake up disappointed that you're never really there. I've been staying up and trying to forget that I want to live the rest of my life by your side. I've been staying up and regretting every word I never said and the kiss I never gave.

It seems like all I can ever do is wish for things to be different and it seems like all I can think about is how much being around you feels like coming home. It seems like looking at you is the only thing I want to do in my life. It seems like you'll never look at me the way I want you to and it seems like I have no other choice but to say goodbye to you. It seems like goodbye is the only thing that's left for me to do.

I can't see you and not wish things were different. I can't talk to you and not think about how much I want to tell you to love me. I can't be around you and not yearn to have your arms around me. I can't walk with you and not reach out for your hand when our fingers brush. I can't love you and not cry myself to sleep knowing that I can never have you. And I can't wait for you and not be tempted to force an ultimatum on you.

So I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave and I'm not going to come back. I'm going to leave and I'm not going to come back until I'm sure I've moved on from you. I'm going to leave and I'm going to be happy for you. I'm going to leave and I'm going to be happy for you as long as you're happy. I'm going to leave and I'm going to come back. I'm going to leave and I'm going to come back and I won't love you anymore.

the train tracks are empty. I don't know how often one comes. I'd like to say that I've been holding myself together with twine and bits of soil and concrete. I'm barefoot and I've found an array of glass bottles littered over the edges of the track.
All I need is a little warmth which is odd considering it's in the middle of summer and the scorching rays are burning my skin. Everything else seems illegible compared to your eyes and nothing looks real anymore.
I want you to know that when a train comes barreling through these tracks, I will face it with as much faith as I can bear.
I once promised you that I would try and I am trying but I can't cough out the words lodged in my throat because, I think, I've kept them there for too long now. I did promise you that I would try but does it really matter all that much now?
I can hear the train coming - this looks like a nice spot to settle.
I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to do this on my own. I'm sorry that I'm not strong enough to look past the lost tenderness that used to grace your eyes.
It's ridiculous really, because I haven't met you yet and there's still an ache in my chestfrom when you left.
I don't know how to do this without you. I don't know how to use the memories of your lack of existence to help myself move from this spot.
I can see the lights approaching.
Please understand. Please understand that I had to do this. Please understand that I had to do this for the sake of my sanity and I can't imagine moving away from these train tracks just to wake up tomorrow to remember that I do not know what it feels like to have loved and be loved by the ghost of you.
Please, I beg of you, forgive me for my past transgressions and forgive me for not being able to quell the pain of never knowing you.
I can hear it now. I can hear the pistons and the rumble of the tracks.
I'll take my leave.
And maybe, if I'm lucky, you'll never realize I was here in the first place.

I could try every possible way to justify my sadness to you.
But it still wouldn't make sense because the only way anyone who doesn't already feel this way can see it is, as
              attention-seeking.

No combination of 26 letters is gonna be able to encompass it.
And I could tell you how I'm feeling

but sad is really mild.

You have no idea  how it feels to simply be walking home then suddenly start hating yourself and knowing that
                         this is it
                                        this is how it is
                                                                    and nothing
                                                                                              is gonna change that.

You won't be able to comprehend how much misdirected hate there is everywhere when in actuality it's an individual causing it.
And I know you believe that I'm driving myself into this state because you believe I feel unloved or unappreciated... but it runs so much deeper. So so much deeper.

It's like...
                not feeling safe and comfortable within yourself
                It's like...
                                looking out of a tiny hole in a box because you're not like the other kids
                                You see things differently but you try.
                                                                                   You try to fit in.
                                                                                   You try to smile
                                                                                                               and be happy
                                                                                                                                       and laugh
                                                           and find joy in the littlest things.

        And yet, it isn't real.
                                                           It's all forced because you have to try, to feel that way.

                                        For most people it comes naturally.

Trying to explain to you why I feel the way I feel, could end up to be a string of gibberish lined up to sound nice but
                             at the end of the day it's really simple:
                                                                                                                       I hate myself

                                    I know I shouldn't and I know
                                    I'm not a killer or a ****** or a
                                    thief... but I hate myself.


                                                                                                      And that is it.

Like the stars up in the velvet sky
Like the moon shining before the sun sets for the night
Always wishing always searching
For a glimpse of peace

Like the lighted dots on a board
Like the spotlight in the dark
Always wanting always working
For a chance at recognition

Like the yellow five-pointed shape
Like that sideways smile
Always dreaming always hoping
For you to pay attention once in awhile

Like the number 5 after 9
Like the grin on her face
Always looking always trying
For you not to look at her like she was a disappointment

Like the stars in the velvet sky
Like the moon that lights up the night
Always crying always praying
For her life to end

Every night
Every night she cries
Going unnoticed, an invisible child
lackluster love
ribbons and scars

Things are different and sometimes I wish I remained in the shelter labelled as The Indifferent where soap bubbles were as indestructible as bulletproof glass.
But you have a way of making me roll down my windows long enough to pass me nibblets of living and I wish you never reached your hand in to touch mine.
Safe houses aren't constructed to keep people out but deadbolts are in place to keep me in. I'd never advocate a limb to give me comfort;
your legs aren't strong enough to walk in this shambled home and your arms will burn before they can reach me.
I'm in the middle of flames that do not burn as strong as your eyes and I may not be a locksmith but I could very well create a lock that will keep you out.
I have a lead heart that's as fragile as the granite that define your sketches so don't you try to ring that doorbell because it won't open.
I find comfort in loneliness and solace in pain but you'll never change my mind about spring and how blooming flowers always close up from the world.
Morning Glory eyes that open with light and shut in darkness, you haven't been touched by the poison so let's keep you alive for as long as you are meant to live.
There's a difference between pessimism and realizing that the moon is as good as it gets so while you are safe, I will be as safe as dry wood in a bonfire.
I realize that pain is subjective and that iron walls are as needed as titanium souls but it doesn't stop me from being as frivolous as a dandelion.
Don't look at me like I hold treasures because I'm just a body of ashes and tears that is as significant to the eco system as a star that has burned out eons ago.
Remove me from your thoughts and eradicate every memory that acts as a landslide once I'm gone.
Your soul shines brighter with each passing day that I cease to matter.
And of all the words I've every said or written
remember that the most important is the poem about goodbyes and endless apologies.

I love you,
please forget me
and don't forgive me.

Lengthy explanations
for simple altercations
Wordy answers
for the easiest classes

Yet none mean anything
None hold much meaning
Just memorisation
and categorisation

Life goes down the drain
as we watch the rain
Essays about love
fly away like doves

The best kinds of inspiration comes when I'm 8 again
and I've hidden myself beneath a table clutching my teddy bear at midnight while
the lightning and rain told stories about the wars and pain that they've seen.

I grew to be 13 and I'd often cry
wondering why Daddy never came to say goodnight to me.
My pillows stained from years of tears.

When I was 16 I cried because the boy I thought I loved
didn't want to speak to me anymore and I never knew why.
All I could remember was that he smelled nice
and holding his hand felt as natural as the evening breeze.

The years weren't kind
and less could be said for the people I've met.
Many things terrified me
but the lightning and rain had always been constant company
especially during the sleepless nights.

I'm a little bit older now,
A little more broken and a little more worn
My mind is in tatters and my feet are covered in mud
My hands shiver but not from cold
And sometimes they say my eyes are flat and dead

The best kinds of inspiration come from tears now;
Some self-caused, others... just others.
The best kinds of inspiration live six feet under;
unmoving yet living somehow
The best kinds of inspiration make no sense;
A jumbled mess of screams and whispers
The best kinds of inspiration are alive;
Moving about heartlessly, more often than not, ignoring beauty

My only inspiration is locked away somewhere...
I dare not even think it to be real anymore
My only inspiration is in the winds at the apex of the night
My only inspiration rains sunlight when chills come to bite
My only inspiration...
It lives.
Somehow, someway
It lives.

Hush baby,
Don't shed a tear,
never worry,
I'll always be here

Hush sweetie,
Don't you cry,
I'm right here,
Always nearby

Hush my darling,
Show me a smile,
the sweetest of dreams you will have
it'll all be worthwhile

Hush baby,
mommy is here
I'll be by your side
even if it's not near

Hush sweetheart,
I won't leave you alone
know that one day
you'll have your own throne

Hush love,
don't let your dreams go
for you never know
how they could grow

Hush my child,
go to sleep
dream sweet dreams
laugh, giggle, smile
happy you will be

I love you.

♡

You'd forget me even before I die
But that's okay
At least at my wake you won't cry
If you ever find out about it
That is

I'll be "That Girl I Once Knew" to you
And that's just fine
Though I wish I had the chance to call you mine
Before I died

You once mirrored my happiness
But that ended soon enough
It's alright that I'm dead
Life's been rough

I hope you live a long happy life
You deserve one
Don't ever think of me again
Not even just once

Your father told you that a boy of his stature will only see the way your eyes blink and not look at the galaxies within your irises.

Your mother has always said that your life has to be like the linens in the drawer; bought, used, washed, dried then used again.

Your Math teacher was adamant on equating your worth to a quadratic equation with only two variables; tears and blood.
But you told her that her equations were nothing compared to the way his hands held your face like you were as fragile as woven silk.

Your English teacher once recited a verse to you the way your high priest knelt by the flames but all you heard was a humdrum murmur.

But your art teacher... She could name every tone and shade yet she taught you to confine yourself to primary colours all through life.

Your best friend kept your feet on the ground while your worries flew over you but they couldn't understand the heaviness of that morose feeling in your chest.

Your lover stood by you until the only darkness he could see was his own and yours began to ebb away under the moonlight. He told you that being around you damaged his fragile frame of mind for he could no longer look you in the eye and tell you he loved the way yours were starting to sparkle.

And he was the last one.

He was the last bit of your heart rotting in the dusty corner of a forgotten picture frame in an abandoned hall of memories.
For when you looked at his picture one last time, you flung yourself into the air hoping the water would end things kinder than he.


The end.

Who am I?
Who am I to claim
that heartbreak is the worst pain?
Who am I to feel so broken
when someone else truly is broken?

Who am I to say
the hurt I feel is unbearable
when there are people
losing limbs around the world?

Who am I to feel so sad
when my life isn't as bad
as those you live
in overlooked poverty?

Who am I to say
that this pain in my heart
won't go away
while there are people without hearts?

Who am I to wish for death
when somewhere else
people cry for their loved ones
who have passed?

Who am I to believe
that there is no one worse
than I?

Who am I to say
that I am in fact depressed
when somewhere else
someone is in distress?

Who am I to love
when my love leads
To sadness and headaches
suffering heartaches

Who am I to be worth
the love you want to give?
I am no one significant
I am nothing compared to the world

Who am I to cry
when I have a family
when I have friends

Who am I to try
to **** my soul everyday
While someone breathes their's out
for the last time

I am no one.
I am nothing.
I should not be sad.
I should not be depressed.
I am overexaggerating.
That is why no one listens.
I am insignificant.
No one would want a girl
like me
I am a liar.
I am ( try to be )
happy
I am no one.
I am just a shadow.
My issues don't matter.
For I am just another
girl with a heavy heart
wanting a fresh start.

White veils
Flowing dresses
First loves
Sweet caresses

Lilting music
Lifting thoughts
When their eyes meet
everything else is lost

Scattered petals
Sparkling eyes
Secret smiles
Whispered lines

"To you I vow
to always love
to always stay

To you I vow
to never leave
there will never be
another for me

To you I vow
to give my whole heart

I've been dreaming a dream
every lonely night before this
To wake up every morning
to you smiling at me

And now that dream has come true
you give me more than everything
and everything is you

I love you"

Cheers for a birth
of an official love
a lifelong commitment
a world void of wishes

Everything she had ever dreamed
was already in this moment
The most perfect moment
Nothing could destroy it

Lovely thoughts
Monsters lost
You showed her a light
that now resides
in her dark brown eyes

Flower bouquets
Arrays of bridesmaids
Shining eyes
Real smiles

A wedding day

"Be the change you want to see in the world"
Unfortunately, the only change I can offer
is to stop existing

"You accept the love you think you deserve"
I don't think I deserve any love
not like I receive any anyway

"There's so much more to live for though"
So much more things I don't deserve to see
I'm sorry

But I'm done
This is enough for me

The mysteries of life were carved in every endearing kiss, every searing touch and every silent love that you will never have the chance to know.

And try as you may any possible solutions you can think of will fall into the crevices of the earth forever lost and once again, as are you.

All sorts of methods have been tried and tested except for those that force you to allow a more intimate exploration of yourself and others around you.

The questions in your mind would only be answered through a passionate exchange of first glances and a mediocre array of exchanged words.

Living is such a trivial thing when you lack the balance and stand on the edge of silly things while succumbing to the vertigo of all that is unknown.

And you toss and you turn in search for answers of questions even you do not know and you crave to sate the curiousity of your mind only to find yourself facing yet another obstacle.

Madness is not a sickness nor is it a state of mind; Madness is the way everything seems when you start to question the mysteries of life.