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"but you're so beautiful, darling!"

"I don't understand why you're so sad!"

"Whatever you have done
it can't be that bad!"

"Oh? You're back on meds?"
"You're happy now? I'm ever so glad!"

"But wait, what's that? A cut on your wrist?"
"Pull up your sleeves and show me your arm."
"We told you and told you"
"Don't ever self-harm."

"You see doctor, she's not very well.."
"We don't know what happened-"
"We can't always know, it's quite hard to tell!"

"We tried to help her, in the best way we could"

You don't try hard enough. Maybe you should.
red
the rivers flow with viscous blood
your anger stains the flood
you string your bow with sorrow
and release it with an arrow
your eyes are blinded by passion
of a regret with no reason
they are tinted glass prisms
drowning in delirium
you're losing all your bets
yet you can't ask why
because in a world of sunsets
its color douses the sky

- - -
Music I heard with you was more than music,
And bread I broke with you was more than bread;
Now that I am without you, all is desolate;
All that was once so beautiful is dead.

Your hands once touched this table and this silver,
And I have seen your fingers hold this glass.
These things do not remember you, beloved,--
And yet your touch upon them will not pass.

For it was in my heart you moved among them,
And blessed them with your hands and with your eyes;
And in my heart they will remember always,--
They knew you once, O beautiful and wise.
Have you ever Just
Sat and wondered about
Random things that
Runaroundinyourmindatthespeedoflight.

Barely understandable.
But somehow the clearest explanation.
Why things happen.
Why the world is the way it is
And why life is most important.

Why the "Powers That Be"
Seem to take over peoples lives and
Cloud them from reality.

Why people are consumed by lust
And constantly feed their desires.
Hungrily.

Why healing wounds itch and
Get scratched open again.
Bleeding invisibly.

Why government agencies lie to the people
And gets its citizens killed.
Leaving the rest ignorant and begging.


These things just, sometimes, happen.

And sometimes life's a *****.
My eyes weren't burned blind with hot oil
I am not a brainwashed cult member
I do not think ignorance is bliss
And I see lies and truth as night and day
Some people speak to me
Like I've never walked outside my door
As if the truth could **** me
"But I'll tell you anyway"
We've all heard that one before
I know what's happening
I know that I am not the only person you're seeing
I know that you're vicious in your animalistic ways
The animalism that society identifies as "manly"
I'm sure others have received the text
The phone call
The words that make us feel needed
The words that make me feel like I am doing something I want to do
Even if I don't
I know that you're not perfect
I know that your mind is obsessive
And compulsive
And meticulous like neat stacks of paper
Or freshly cut grass
I still don't know how you value me
As a person
As an object
As a heart
As a brain
It could be any of the listed above
And even though you're not the perfect gentleman
I understand that people aren't perfect
I'm not blind to your mistakes
No one is covering my ears
Or hindering my senses
The truth is right in front of me
You are the truth
People look at me
As if I am an orphaned child
A recent widow
Still in denial because of the trauma
That life has presented to us
I know that you can be horrible
Cruel and abusive
At the same time
I know you can make me feel like the only person who has ever rested in your arms
And even if I'm not the only one
I know I'm not the only one
I accept it
Because your presence makes me feel better about myself
Your face motivates me to do well in all I do
Your body encourages me to run for miles and do hundreds of lunges
Maybe I'm using you just as much as you may be using me
We're messed up and mortified and scarred
"You can do better" they say
"You deserve someone who will treat you like a princess because you're intellectual and pretty"
What if I don't want that
What if all I want is to complacently stay
In a place that I don't necessarily belong
But it feels right
So I do
And that's why they think I'm blind
Senseless
 Aug 2013 derelictmemory
Sara
it is dark and I am alone
no one can hear me
see me
this room used to be full
of light
of people
of energy
but then the shadows crept in
through the seams of reality
the guests departed
the lights dim
and I am wrapped in darkness
no one can hear me scream
cry, hurt
rage
no one can find me
I'm suffocating in this darkness
crowded by thoughts
but completely alone
If you didn't know my story,but saw me in a book,
You'd read my name and wonder,then take a second look.
A shadow of my former beauty,I've been ruined by many years,
The things that have happened to me always bring on many tears.
I do not hide my sadness,for it is fresh and always there,
As I wait here so very lonely in my sunless Atlantic lair.
My poor,proud body is rotting away,there is nothing I can do,
Except hope maybe one day,equality will be given me too.
I recall a sadness filled day within my lonely dark,
When a plastic cup came floating down,and on my tomb left a mark.
That was one of many times I would give up and cry,
For human cruelness hurt me so,I got this rather than 'good-bye'.
I do not hardly recognize myself anymore,I say it not to be vain,
I say it with truth and exactness,to my heart welled up with pain.
Some people truly love me,for them I'm truly greatful,
Others regard me as a rusty ship with eyes that bespeak hateful.
I cannot help what happened to me,they just don't understand,
I once had a heart adventurous that would lead a career grand.
My hopeful life was ended in the year of 1912,
And my dreams,visions and pride-filled youth to the bottom delved.
I was told that youth and beauty would get me far in life,
And with these assets I proudly boasted,I knew nonesuch called 'strife'.
Throughout the tumble and crash of waves rode my lean body's length,
I reveled many times over in my satisfying,thrilling strength!
****
On the evening tide of the 14th,I saw the iceberg  true,
A handsome,glittering,ethreal prince,what was a lonely girl to do?
I rushed as fast as could be allowed to greet this glacier born one,
Eager to introduce myself and rid forlornness akin to a ton.
But when I came up closer,my heart he did stab,
With that glittering,icy spellbinding look,'twas my start of being sad.
He tore into my body,bringing unsurmountable pain,
What was the purpose of such cruelty,what could he possibly gain?
And on the night my life ended,I travelled my beloved sea no longer,
Death so young,in such a way,could life be any wronger?
I hoped so much I would not perish in a life that did just start,
Yet hopes were banished by the truths of a rapidly weakening heart.
I tried to wait as long as I could to save my passengers dear,
But the ending for so many of us was soon becoming near.
I didn't want to say farewell to the things I did love so,
And yet time was running short,and I wanted them to know:

Olympic,my lovely sister,I hope your life is a promise true,
Of many voyeurs across oceans wide,a charmer you are too.
Treasure the sun's bounty that warms the evening's chill,
And know throughout your entire life,my love is with you still.
Enjoy the satisfaction of your beauty and strength even when in dock you sit,
For a day may come anytime,and a single moment end it.
Show the Captain you are bold-bold,lovely and free,
But do not toss caution in the spray thrown off the sea.
I trust you not to be lonely in travels near and far,
For my ghost is always with you,just look up at a star.
When days come to you and a disconsolate thought you may think,
Remember the unconditioning love of a sister who'd "Never Sink".
Remember my love at morning,remember it at night,
Remember it these coming days I will no longer be in your sight.
I love you,Fair Olympic,in wordless,heartfelt ways,
Your memory I shall treasure in my saddened,sunless days.

I rest on a sandy sea bottom,amongst accoutrements of life,
From an unforgettable day when I learned the meaning of strife.
The earth has covered the stab the iceberg in my side did maim,
But despite that all,the hurt in my heart did stain.
I relive in over and over,wishing it were just a dream,
Yet awaken to the truths to know,my broken funnels have no more steam.
The way I landed in this grave,I look like I shall sail ahead,
But,that is all a fantasy,my once-strong body is dead.
It will not go anywhere,today or ever again,
I am helpless to the trash that falls upon me from heartless men.
The ship that sail above me hold people bright and gay,
Who do not know the sorrows that were on a 15th of April day.
They sail on to their destination,thinking nothing of me,
Who haunts the very waves they ride on my beloved Atlantic sea.
They dream of their days ahead,cheerful and free of plight,
Disregarding any notion of a nightmarish Hadean night.
They dance,they revel and throw trash over the side,
Where it floats down eventually onto the Ocean's Queen who has died.
They do not know of an iceberg with a sinister,laughing gaze,
And who pleasured in so knowing he ended my happy days.
They do not know of terror,of the ocean flooding ones' heart,
They do not know suffering for a ship breaking apart.
They do not know the agony of bading goodbye,
To the sunshine and a beloved sister who would never,ever lie.
They stand aboard a breezy bow,above the white waves foam,
Knowing soon,within a few days,they will be going home.
They seem to forget I belonged somewhere once too,
My home wasn't supposed to be an ocean floor,far from the sky's blue.
They do not know I've loved,they do not know I've cared,
They do not know the pain in my heart,that in scrapping,my sister wasn't spared.
They are the people who have this phrase float off their lips:
"Olympic and Titanic ,they are little more than ships!"
You humans claim you hold a bond to those you love so dear,
How different is it for me,I ask,with my sister built so near?
There is so much out there for those to remember me,
But my poor,sweet sister is forgotten,plunged into ocean history.
When you recall me,try to think of her too,
Bring her alive within your heart,I leave it up to you.
Years have passed,times have changed,though down here it's the same,
I am still the great Titanic,though my bow no longer says my name.
Some people who have discovered me have been respecting and kind,
I shall never give up my secrets,but their visits I don't mind.
Then,there are others,who ravage me to know,
They steal my finery,what is rightly mine;how can they hurt me so?
Although I do not mind some visits,I am now accustomed to the dark,
For the lights they shine upon me are so horribly bold and stark.
I am now part of this sea for one-hundred and one years strong,
All stemming from an April night when the most horrible went wrong.
The rust that drapes off me,some people say are like tears,
And,partially they are,my dearest friend,of the sorrows of many years.
The ocean floor is somber,the ocean floor is cold,
All the more unpleasant for a girl who's growing old.
My song it is of truth,to show that life is not a game,
But,treasure it every minute you can,all the very same.
It may be pleasant,it may be sorrow,
But,hold close the day you live in,think not heavily of a 'morrow.
I thought I'd have a tomorrow too,as I sit here in my grave,
I had a tomorrow,yes indeed,but not in a life-filled way.
I rest under these bitter waves,a melancholy heart is mine,
A shadow of my former beauty,a ghost of the White Star Line.
In the Aprils of today,on the dancing surf above,
My soul rises up to haunt the sea I love.
My soul is not marred by tears,fright and rust,
Whole and in perfection,before my death it's just.
At the latitude and longitude of that long ago day,
I have stopped many a vessel,so,remember me that may.
The scrapping of my sister,the sinking of me,
Life ended none too kind for both Queens of the Sea.
Remember us,gay vacationers,as you gaze up at a cloud,
For Titanic and Olympic,death 'twas not proud.....

I rest under these bitter waves,
A melancholy heart is mine,
We are remnants of our former beauty,
We are the ghosts of the
WHITE STAR LINE...
This poem is dedicated to my beloved Royal Mail Steamship 'Titanic',and her more forgotten,yet beautiful sister,Olympic. Never shall the sea be host to two finer ocean liners.
let me remind you of how i was alone
lonely but yet i had been doing fine
before you sauntered into my life
and asked me for my name

i told myself i wouldn't fall for you
that i wouldn't fall for your smirk
that i wouldn't fall for your pride

i told myself i wouldn't fall for you
that i wouldn't fall for your conceit
that i wouldn't fall for the way you took everything for granted

i told myself no way
i told myself to stay away
and as time passed i realized
perhaps you weren't as horrible as i thought you were
i thought you were maybe even fine

still i told myself i wouldn't fall for you
that i wouldn't fall for your smile
that i wouldn't fall for your laugh

i told myself i wouldn't fall for you
that i wouldn't fall for the way you flicked my tears away
that i wouldn't fall for the way you tossed pebbles at my window

but i'd started being more unsure
i wasn't sure if i was right about you in fact
i thought that i was definitely wrong
so i started to fall

i started to fall for you
i fell for the trademark smirk you liked to give me
i fell for the way you are so confident about everything

i started to fall for you
i fell for the way you whispered nonsense in my ear
i fell for the way you held my hand as if you'd never let go

i started to fall for you
i fell for the way you had to have coffee in the mornings
i fell for the way you gave unexpected hugs

i completely fell for you
i fell for the way you pressed me to you as i cried
i fell for the way you ruffled my hair and flicked my forehead

but then as before time flickered by
you started to smile less or, at least not at me
you started to turn away when i waved
and i felt more alone than i had ever felt even before i met you

still i stayed in love with you
i stayed in love with your haunting lies
i stayed in love with your empty promises

but i knew that it was going to end
i knew that it wouldn't be long now
so i kept the curtains open waiting for your pebbles
i waited for the clattering of gravel on glass that never happened again

i remember the day you held my hand
your fingers felt cold and your arms were shaking
i felt as though i would crumble but i had to keep us both standing
your eyes lifted up to meet mine but i had looked away

your smile was wavering and your voice too soft
you ran your fingers down my arms and i pushed them away
i knew you had decided i wasn't the one and my heart was breaking
but i'm not about to beg because i thought i was too strong for that

i was naive
i was closing up on the world and everything else
i was closing up on myself
and i was closing up on you

your lips formed the words "i'm sorry" but i don't think i heard
you tried to hug me better but i stepped away
i suppose i was a total wreck but i was so afraid
i was afraid of how much i'd come to rely on you
i was afraid because i could no longer stand the loneliness from before

so i told myself i would get over you
that i would get over the way you dragged my name on your tongue
that i would get over the way you made me tea every day

i told myself i would get over you
that i would get over the rapidly draining fullness in my chest
that i would get over every thought of happy ever afters

so i turned around and took your hand (i think i even shook it)
i tried my best to smile but you probably didn't believe it was sincere
i thanked you
for every flower you ever put in my hair
for every tear you ever brushed away
for every kiss you ever gave me
for every time you tried so hard to make me feel not alone
for every comforting word you ever whispered to me
for every pebble you ever tossed at my window

i thanked you for giving me the best time of my life
i told you that i understand how all good things come to an end
i hoped so desperately that you wouldn't see through me
we both had tears in our eyes when we stepped towards the door and
as i returned you your sweater and closed the door

i knew, just as you knew, that we'll never see each other again

- - -
this boy
his eyes were the kind of gold
you'd find in a treasure chest
on one of your adventures.
his words were like the interstate
and his heart was bigger than
most boys'.
                                       and this boy,
                                       his favorite color
                                       in the spring time
                                       was green,
                                       because of the way his girl's
                                       eyes matched the blooming leaves
                                       this girl kissed like a hurricane
                                       and walked like lightning
                                       marking her path with her smile.
                                       soon she found another boy,
                                       this one more musically inclinded
                                       than he.
his favorite color in
the fall was brown
because of the way
a different girl's laugh
reminded him of trees.
strong and beautiful.
now this girl talked liked a whistle
and her presence was like a train.
he told her he loved her,
and she said she loved him too.
three days later,
she was telling another boy,
stronger than he,
those same four words.
                                       in the winter,
                                       his favorite color was white
                                       because of the way
                                       a girl's skin gleamed
                                       like the moon.
                                       he adored her from afar
                                       so as not to get hurt
                                       she saw him and left
                                       him a note:
                                                           ­  do you think i'm lovely?
                                       and he thought it odd,
                                       because how could she not
                                       see she was lovelier than the snow
                                       upon the roof tops.
                                       he ran to her
                                       and there she was,
                                       lips pressed against another
                                       boys, one much more
                                       handsome than he.
so thats why in summer,
his favorite color was red,
because that's the color
that was spiraling down
the drain in the shower
when he finally collapsed

                                                                ­                                 {l.m.h.}
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