did you mean it?
when you said you loved me.
I thought you did.
but why you leave me like you did?
the second things got tough.
did you mean it?
when you said you thought we'd be together forever.
because I thought you did.
but you gave me up in a snap.
did you mean it?
when you told me I was beautiful.
then why'd you never show me off.
did you mean it?
when you told me you wanted to go slow.
then why'd you use me like I was just some girl the second I wasn't in my right mind.

you didn't love me.
then why'd you say it?

like you meant it.

Mood swings.
Constantly.
Isolation.
Irrational decisions daily.
Random tears streaming down my pale face.
Speaking few words.
You ask why I am the way I am.
I am my mental illness.
It locked me in a box.
Threw away the key.
Gave me a gift.
It was a blade of course.
I used it to escape the pain.
I hid those wounds as best I could.
long sleeves on daily.
A mask to cover the whole mess.
"I'm fine."

your touch against my skin, those late nights sneaking out.
oh how I miss you.
your breath against my body.
your hands rubbing against my thighs. oh how you tease me.
oh how I miss you.
those soft lips against mine.
then you whispered into my ear how you loved me.
oh how you broke my heart.
oh how I did it all to feed on your hunger.
those late nights together oh how I miss those.
but you broke me.
you used me.
did you mean those words "I love you"
or was I just another girl because you weren't another guy to me.
you were my drug and I overdosed on you.
oh how I miss you.

What is love?
Is it the disproval you get from your loved ones?
Is it the soul crushing feeling when you can no longer see him?
Maybe its the feeling of the skin tearing blade you rub against your arm.
Or no, maybe its the tears and yelling you scream when your own mother doesn't understand your reasons for the actions you've made. just for love.

What is love? Love is the reason for heart throbbing, depression, scars, judgement, suicide. love is the reason for the emptiness in my heart that will never be filled again.

you define me by my past.
tell me that's all I am.
define me by who I'm not and don't want to be.
point out all my flaws instead of tell me how much you love me.
tell me I have mental issues.
are the reason for the blade slicing through my thin wrists.
the reason I don't see a future.
the reason I've lost everyone I cared about.
you ruined me.
you were suppose to be the one person who would always love me but that was just a lie covered in a thick layer of more lies.
you are my mom.