Well, it’s thanks to my friend, Neillie, that I'm standing here today;
He captured me down at his shop as I reached out to pay.
He said, “I have a job for you, and you've twelve weeks to prepare.”
I thought, my God - he wants his toenails clipped or help to dye his hair...

Now, a toast that's for the ladies; Lord, wherever will I start?
He said, “That's nothing rude and nothing crude, something from the heart.”
So, I scratched my head and searched my soul; I was’nae getting far.
It seems that Neillie's harsh restrictions took out half my repertoire.

Anyway - oh the Bard, he loved the ladies, and oh how they loved him back;
Seems a poem's all it took those days to get them in the sack.
No wonder he liked writing of the love that hid within,
Which explains his suave and healthy look, and how he kept so trim.

If only it were like that now; I’d write for all I'm worth,
Grabbing every chance I could each day to nail another verse.
And my wife, she would be pleased for me at all my new attention,
And I'd be thin from running scared from too much pain to mention.

Now, once my business took me roaming to each corner of Great Britain,
So, I catalogued the ladies; just the ones that I was smitten.
Well, Welsh girls they took hours to please, and the Irish take some beating,
And the English girls are very, very nice if your ears can take their bleating.
Ah, but Scottish girls are best by far; as steady as a rock,
But, if by chance your eye should stray, you'll wake withoot your ****.

So I married one, with no regrets; best move that I've made yet,
And I love her dear, with all my heart, in a life with no regret.
For like the Bard, I settled down when love could get no hotter,
But compared to him and his wondrous works, sure I'm just a ditty jotter.

Oh Sweet Ladies, you are dear to us - where would we be without you?
In wrinkled clothes and motley beards in a house of straw and cow poo.
Without you we would just exist - watching football in a bar;
Just sitting, drinking, laughing, eating, drinking…..and sleeping in the car.

Dear, Sweet Ladies, we don’t kid ourselves; we know you have us beat,
Hence why we hold the doors for you, and chairs each time you seat.
We love to do the chivalrous stuff - it makes us look the strongest,
You see, we have to make the most of things - you live the fecking longest.

Well, at last it’s time for me to stop - and give you chance to mingle,
And I'll make peace with my dear wife, before I'm Facebook status: single.
Now, gentlemen, I ask you all - please charge and raise your glasses,
And join me in a bumper toast: “To the beauty of the Lassies.”

Lord, don't let me die on the toilet,
I would much rather die on a bus.

As the thought of me sat with my pants down,
drives me mad just to think of the fuss.

But the thought of me off while I'm sleeping,
seems a much more acceptable plan.

Though I'll have to start wearing pajamas
and be a much more presentable man.
Amen

Now my cousin had a baby, about a year ago or so.
And we saw him first on Facebook, far before they let us know.
Such a handsome little chappy; yet another lost relation,
But we went down south to visit, as we forced an invitation.

“Oh, isn't he lovely” they said as they peeked,
“Isn't he gorgeous - all round and red-cheeked.”
They looked and they smiled, “What a well-filled-out child.”
Some laughed and some roared and some shrieked.

There sat the baby like a pink piggy jelly.
There, but for eyes, sat a big pleated belly.
His arms and his legs must go two-hundred pound,
And that’s only part of the huge flabby mound.

“Oh, we can't stop him eating,” said his mother, Irene.
“And just quelling the flow makes us feel rather mean.
We know that he's growing; it can't be denied,
And he's partial to dog food, so they're fed outside.

Well, thanks for his present; he was ever so pleased.
And the girl down at Mothercare (first name Louise),
She’s like one of the family; she's really first-class
At exchanging us things that will cover his ****.”

I clutch the happy memories of times we had together,
And they will go on haunting me forever and forever.
All the things we did and said I’ll spend my life reliving;
Just searching for my one mistake that made your love stop giving.

Was it that I tried too hard to get inside your knickers.
Or was it that rude joke I told when we went to the Vicar’s.
Or was it just that football meant that Saturdays were out,
Or because I kissed your sister and your Dad gave me a clout.

But now we both must go our ways and find a love that’s true;
Though I’ll never love another girl the way I once loved you.

Well, I'm sure that I'm not on my own, as I sit down to type,
For here I am, awake once more, in the middle of the night.
Seems once my brain has had some sleep, it aches to be on duty,
Though I'd much prefer to take it back; my dream was getting fruity.
It knows exactly what to do, and wakes me up for mercy
By running worries through my head each morning at 6.30.
I've tried to solve them and return, but seldom have I done it;
My subconscious just controls the show as my independent pundit.

Have you ever stopped to wonder how your brain works on its own?
How it's up and at it all the time; there's always someone home.
And when your body's fast asleep from hours of being used,
Your brain checks out its ‘video store’ to keep itself amused.
For while you've got on with your day; done all the things you must,
Your dream crew’s written all new scripts and starred them all with us!
Seems that all your friends and family and people from your past,
Have all got lines and walk-on parts as members of the cast.

So the next time that you start to nod and thoughts become all whirly,
It's because your brain's previewed your dreams and wants to turn in early.
And when the show has run its course and you have won the day,
Before you can recall your bow it’s all been packed away.
Seems another dream has done its job and entertained the brain,
Which means it’s time to wake you up to live your life again.
And rather than a stomach-ache you're given mental torture,
Until you are forced to type a poem on the iPad your wife bought ya.

From the first time that I heard her name,
My life's been different, not the same.
Just like the sequence when we met,
That special time, I won't forget.

Just how she came into my life,
And me with children and a wife.
I never thought my world could change,
So much to sort and re- arrange.

But, seems that love will find a way,
Although its search gave cause to stray.
My first love wasn't meant to be,
As she thought in time, that she'd love me.

How soon that time can pass you by,
Especially when you’ve lived a lie.
Look deeply in your heart of hearts,
For truth and love and chance fresh starts.

And if your marriage takes a turn,
you’ll know to mend - or let it burn.
You’re changing lives to fill the dearth,
It rests with you to see the worth.

It can be done we're living proof,
To change your lives and change your roof.
It's hard at first, I can't deny,
As all must know the reasons why.

Though life is short and one time round,
So find your love, if it's not found.
It's far the best for all concerned,
As love is free and never earned.