They say you must try
and never give up.
What they don't say is:
it's not that easy.
They let you on your own
to figure out that
trying is just as hard as
being a quarterback;
making the best dessert;
or even standing up and speaking.
I must put effort
and work
and responsibility
and dedication
into trying.
I do not think
I have the strength for that.

Life is full of beautiful things;
wonderous things.
Swimming at the beach;
Bonfires;
Sleepovers;
Dying your hair;
Going to college;
Growing old with the one you love;
Big cities;
New people;
Playing in the snow;
Picking fresh fruit;
Not knowing where you are driving to;
Decorating your room;
First loves;
New songs;
Laying in the grass;
Camping;
Starring at the stars;
Meeting celebrities;
New friends;
Visiting old friends;
Butterflies in your stomach;
Painting your toenails;
Feeding animals at the zoo;
Owning your own pet;
Traveling;
Buying new shoes;
Taking a hike;
Getting out of town;
New experiences;
Adventures;
Living.

I'm not sure if I
Want to get better
Just yet.
I am happy,
But I miss the sad passion
I used to have every day.
I miss the drowning in my lungs.
I miss the tunnel
I could never escape.
I miss the monsters and demons
That would swim in my mind at night.
But I do not miss
The old me.

Depression
Is like a swimming pool.
You dip your toe in
To get a feel.
You place your
Foot on the first step,
Ankles deep.
Your hand clutches the railing,
Preparing for the worst.
You descend to the
Second step,
Knees deep.
You breathe in
A long breath.
You climb to the
Third step,
Waist deep.
You're in too far.
You can't get out now.
You lay your arms in front of you,
Ready to dive right in.

Please.
For I beg of you
To not leave me alone.
Do not leave me alone
With my thoughts.
They are too
Powerful.
Overwhelming.
If you leave,
They will take over.
They will devour me.
Take me in,
Claim my mind as their own,
And destory me.

I think he is it.
He is the one.
The one I have been waiting endless night for.
I talk to him,
But he doesn't know it's me.
His charm,
Personality,
Sweetness,
Humor,
I want it all.
And I want to be his all.

I have come
To convince myself
That storms
Are actually my mind.
The tears I have held in
Come pouring out.
The screams I have held in
Come roaring out.
The strikes I have held in
Come flashing out.
My mind is spinning.
Storms are only
A figment of my imagination.
For they are my mind.

What if I want to stay this way?
What if I want to be sad?
What if I don't want to be happy?
What if I want scars?
What if I want more cuts?
What if I want to run away?
What if I want to fail?
What if I want to die?
What if I slit my wrists again?
What if the bathroom floor is covered in blood?
What if I use that old belt?
What if I want to go to the hospital?
What if I don't want this life anymore?
What if I don't want help?
What if I want to stay this way?

Their hair blowing in the wind.
Their arms dancing to the melodies.
Their feet planted to the ground.
Their friends visiting and talking gossip.
Their senses going blank and unreadable.
Their thoughts carrying the heaviest loads.
Their legs wanting to run, skip.
Their hands breaking, twisting, crunching.
Their scars bringing surprise to others.
Their wounds being left in darkness.
Their hope fading, yet calling out.
Their existance being forgotten, left alone.
Their hearts cannot take the stabs.

I realize I am a tree.

"Think about something else."
"Just don't do it."
"Get your mind off of it."
That's what they say, right?
It's not that easy.
Once you're triggered,
You are triggered.
Listen,
It's calling your name.
Just one.
Doesn't even have to be big.
Relief washes over you,
As the river of red
Pools at the bottom of your arm.
Your feelings are pushed out.
You feel on a high.
"Just one more,"
You say.
One turns into ten.
And ten turns into a hundred.
And a hundred turns into
a cold,
lifeless body.

I feel
Like I am drowning,
But the ladder is right there.

I feel
Like I am in a box,
But with a door open.

I feel
Like I am falling,
But with a parachute strapped to me.

I feel
Like I am alone,
But in a crowded room.

I feel
Like I am drifting off,
But someone's hand is right there.

I feel
Like I am dead,
But with the heart monitor still going up and down.

We would be laying on a big bed.
We could be watching a movie or laying silently. And we would be cuddling close to one another.
Your skin would be warm and smooth pressed against my cheek.
And a fluffy blanket would be draped over us.
Kisses and shiny glances would be shared.
We would talk about the lost memories and the new ones to come.
The sun would fall asleep as the moon awakes.
Your arm would be keeping me close.
The light and sound would drown out and all you would be able to sense is the love itself.
And we would fall into a slumber as the fairytales come to life in our naive minds.