Life by numbers,
One for blue… Two for red
Thoughtlessness for its sake
Sympathy but no sign of empathy

Bleakness looking out of intelligent eyes.
Waste of a body,
Waste of skin,
Waste.

Carelessness in your heart,
Makes sadness abound.
A tear in the corner of the unsmiling eye,
That tear’s for me.

Uninspired, even, flat, numb.
Thoughts jumbled, word-hole silent.
Pressure building up behind my eyes,
Screaming only makes me hoarse.
One-word answers to important questions,
Frustration on my wife’s face.
How much can she take?
How much more have I got in me?
How much more can I take?
Will she give up on me, on us?
Will she caress me for the thousandth time?
Tell me it will be alright?
Will she take them and leave me to wallow?
Stay and help or put the boot in?
Leave me nothing but my frightened mind.
Or stay and love me, just love me.
This fragile shell I occupy won’t last much longer.
It’s worn out in thought and deed.
Even I don’t see the value.
I push her away again,
Just hoping she pushes back.

I must get up and take my pills
But I have to dress and go downstairs.
This is a bed day. A head day.

I must get up and eat something
But I haven’t the strength today
I haven’t the will today.

My get up and go got off at the last stop.
I didn’t let it go,
Wasn’t my choice.

This thing’s in control of my every fibre
Head pounding, stomach on fire
But I’m healthy in body not in mind.
A simple decision is taking an hour

This pain in my head,
Keeping me indoors instead.
Invading my dreams,
Brain bursting at the seams.

Focus on one thing,
No, not that sting.
Now I feel I could sing,
Look at my wedding ring.

So lucky to have found a wife,
Amazing she chose to stay in my life.
All the cross-words and strife,
That time I picked up the knife…

Wish I’d stayed in bed
Wish I’d no sore head.
Think I’ll have tea,
Will she make it for me?

I can’t decide today
Do I ask her to stay?
Make them all go away,
This pain is here to stay.

After we talked, she walked.
I stood in silence until my pulse slowed.
I breathed again, could see again.
I made her do it, I wanted out.
Picking up the pieces is easier,
If you don’t get broken in the first place.

Light breaks through the dim day,
Raindrops sound like piano on the skylight window, today.
Lifting me, allowing possibility,
Suffering isn’t all there is. Today.

Piano yesterday was smashing, grinding,
Overbearing, oppressive & weighty.
It was a dry day within and without,
No rain to blame for the blackness.

Storm clouds gather and disperse only in my knowledge,
They’re unseen by many, understood by few,
Almost like a reminder that I’m not free.
Yesterday’s clouds were for me alone.

But today is a good day,
Weather without is bad but more bearable within.
This will pass, it has to.
Enlightenment is not only for the devout.
;

All I know, unknown
All I learned, unlearned
All I believed in, doubted

Fairness is just an empty word
Karma is just a notion
Consequences are relative

Life is life
Make of it or don’t.
Lay your own path

Just don’t ask the poets
They know as much
The Mystery is the reward

There’s an ugly little pinch at the back of my ear,
What did I say exactly, she’s gone for good, I fear.
After the *****, the stagger, the cab,
I found myself on the couch, adding up the tab.

Flashbacks with nightmares of nasty words,
How could I say that to her! I’m no expert with girls.
The beer and the spirits owe me no favours
And when all’s said, they’re all the same flavour.

The flavour is bitterness, regret and despair,
Fuel for the morning after and pulling out hair,
Out of one’s own head for being so thoughtless
Am I pushing myself to a life that’s loveless?

So I’ll say “Never again” and push for the weekend.
But throughout the week, my resolve becomes weakened.
Until Thursday, I’ll give in and go for “a couple”.
Sick of pints by Friday, I’ll go on the doubles.

So again comes Sunday, she’s still with me.
Her pillow is wet and smudged, my throat is dry.
I can’t lose the memory of that pathetic cry.
I did it again, I let the drink win.

But it’s Sunday so I’ll say “Never Again”