The day is fading once again, the forest stands in silhouette
And I upon my balcony with Bergerac, and cigarette
Survey the Moon that rises to illuminate, with harsh regret
My lost and lonesome memories of then and her, the sad
Annette
She called to me in velvet night, across the brawny moor
I found the moment contrary, resisting not her soft allure
I walked in nightmares sad lament, my heart decreed herein de-jure
I ascend the last few steps and stop.. and softly knock upon the door

I stood but for a moment there, the opening ajar
I sensed soft music on the breeze, originating from afar
Looking up I saw my tears reflected in the evening star
I stepped inside, a haunting scent adrift upon the evening air
I listened as the music played inside my mind, a soft octet
Silently the windows sang, with ornate glass in raised rosette  
What happened next my heart denies, although has not forgotten yet
There beheld my eyes the hollow face of her.. the sad Annette

She sat there lost in solitude emotion thus demure
Her sedentary countenance at once was sullen, quite obscure
Attire of one whom long ago had donned her lost haute-couture
Though words cannot describe my feelings, as I sat...
and gazed at her
She looked my way but for a moment, she had sensed my hidden pain
Effaced a tear she’d wished unnoticed, smiled at me and then
She said “I love you”, closed her eyes and spoke these words again
It seemed as if she’d thrown my naked soul…
out in the rain

No other words were spoken as I turned, to take my leave
Annette had given me another reason, so to grieve
To see with crystal clarity, the failures I’ve achieved
To make my heart another lonely wretched refugee
To sit at days demise again with wine, and cigarette
Attempting to relieve my mind of her, although I haven’t yet
I live within the tortured realm of memories I can’t forget
Of years ago and three small words,
offered by the sad Annette.

Dean Evans
4-5-15

I find myself the poor and hapless victim, of your love
My heart now beats alone, to my dismay
But hearts will soon sucumb, to the things they’re victim of
And mine is fast approaching, an anguished judgement day
Within my mind I view my life in broad, and bold tableau
A panoramic tapestry, of guilt
Condemned to live at least for now, within the status quo
Behind these solid prison walls, I find my heart has built

Desire and I have fought at length, and come to no decision
No answers to the questions we engage
In fact at times I hear my heart in silent, cruel derision
That memories of you, have no hope.. to soon assuage
Relieve the endless, sleepless nights.. alone has come to be
Without you here, to ease my troubled mind
The tears that fall in pairs, drop two by two.. relentlessly
Eyes hold no remorse, for those already shed, I find

And so tonight I’ll lie beside my fire yet once again
While you and your devices plot intrigue
My hopes have drifted with the smoke, to dissipate disdain
It’s will to fight against the wind, left perfectly fatigued
Perhaps one day I’ll witness restless memories depart
I’ll know the reasons why love sought retreat
But for now, remain the hopeless victim of your heart
Alone in purdah, Six, one, forty five..
on 2nd street...
“Please pick up the phone..
Hello?..hello”..
(click)

Dean Evans
2-02-15

I hear that plaintiff sound again, in far off... haunting celebration
The passing train and people bound together, unknown destination
And I, beside my fire become a mental traveler, in meditation
I almost feel the rhythm of the rails...
in quiet contemplation
I close my eyes and quickly ride the stream...
upon reflective wend
My thoughts extend out endlessly, the flames and I...
somehow transcend
Reality now lies exempt, to witness restless dreams ascend
Aboard this translunary journey, rendezvous...
the Eastern wind

Looking up, imagination dances in the cloudless skies
The stars there offer bright solution, introspection?...
improvised
Then silently, a memory reveals itself to my surprise
A glimpse of you, where just a trace of sorrow…
sadly stains your eyes
Again I hear the whistle blow, and like a thousand times before
It seems to summon loneliness, with emptiness to underscore
That there are things I placed upon your heart,
that I must answer for
I suddenly awake alone, the darkness there...
and nothing more

I rise to stoke the coals and so revive again...
the warming flame
And find I must submit, to thus reside in sorrows cruel domain
The clouds are dropping down, to so release the storm on me ...
again
But as I drift to sleep, the dreams persist...
and only these remain
To hear that lonesome zephyr weep again, it’s
mournful revelation
Within the rain that falls upon my heart, resides my desperation
Can heartaches headstone lie among the ruins,
at the final station?
I listen to the dear departed sounds of love…
in revocation.

Dean Evans
1-17-15

ok sry slight re-write

Imagine, if you can… another time, a different place
Liberate your thoughts, allow them freedom...
into outer space
Worlds will quickly fall away, as will our dreams…
though we give chase
I say your name out loud, once again conjecture…
just in case
And hope, we really did exist... if only circumstance
Brought together cosmically, although all quite by accident
Nothing in the distance but the galaxies…
just happenstance
To glow for but a moment there,
within their silent... fleeting chance

No conceiver there, to create the Universe...divine
Just pressure, mass and energy... to inaugurate the dawn of time
Epochs come and go unnoticed, absent...
any Grand design
Though I can still recall a moment, I was yours...
and you were mine

We’d scan those clear Kentucky skies, beneath the bright,
but endless void
i must admit that there, with you…
my youthful heart was overjoyed
And we’d lie among the ruins of the laughter, we had so enjoyed
Time stretched far ahead of us, the illusion now...
sadly destroyed
So if we find one day, there is no God…
no grace we can foresee
No Heaven waiting there for us, no souls unite…
we cease to be
I’ll go to what awaits us all, it lies there silent…
patiently
But I can still recall those nights, they linger deep...
in memory
So if we just exist within a realm... of someone else's mind
They thought of us, and gave us all the happiness...
we came to find
With dreams of you and I, to gently comfort...
and remind
If only just that moment, when I was yours…
and you were mine

It was a
Time of Light..

Dean Evans
1-13-15

Alone again in darkness, though her memory shines on me
Everything is black beyond the light, too dim to see
So all there is to do is think, and so I do, regress
Into a place I've lost, or I haven't found, I guess...
Night time lets the lonesome man, into his lonesome ways
I write these words to no one, to attempt to sooth my days
The time is slow in passing, but the coffee sees to that
Black just as this room, that surrounds me at my back...

The nights all run together, and so the counting goes
How many nights my mind has wandered to her, I don't know
Anticipating answers to the questions I have asked
But the morning comes to quickly, the dreams are gone too fast
The feelings stay the same for me and will be, never broken
I pay my toll to loneliness, with sadness' heavy token
Through turnstiles into nothingness, I pass beyond the gate
It seems the train to hope has left me here, I'm much too late

And far into the distance, I can hear sweet voices call
No direction, sad reflection, darkness covers all
Not can I, be hopeful to recall what's fled my mind
What chance did I ever have?.., slim or none I find
The artificial light that illuminates this page
Eventually will burn itself out, fading with the age
And I myself may pass before the light no longer shines
Sitting in this chair with pen and paper, I'll recline

Though I assume the day will come for all of us, you know
When darkness overwhelms the life, the love you try to show
Being all alone is not the worst place I have found
By myself, into my thoughts and listening for the sound
The sound of silent memories, that come to visit here
The thought of this just leaves her voice.. ringing in my ears
The silence much too loud for me to notice sound, and thus
The darkness once again too bright, my eyes cannot adjust

Adjust to this, my fate to sit and wait here through the night
Wondering of pain and pleasure, I don't know which feels right
The feelings run together, though no telling them apart
I wonder when this night will end, or how it got it's start
My pen, it travels on it's own along these lines it seems
As though I'm writing all my thoughts inside of all my dreams
Too many to remember, but too few to help me out
Out of places filled with hopelessness, and doubt

But I suppose the ink will run, and smear across the pages
Consuming all that I have felt, so lost within the ages
And so I too, shall be lost, my memory gone to you
But what's a man like me, expect these things to do
They'll come to nights of all alone, and she will say to me
"You've lost the things you thought you had, so let your love go free"...
It never really lived for you, inside this darkened room
Where morning came too quickly,
and the light left her too soon...

Dean Evans
10-02-08

Someday, when I'm older I may have a thought of you
A smile upon my face, within the memory that I view
Remembering the ways of youth, and knowing youth is through
To replace my smile with simple tears, for all the things we knew
My lamp may light the room, and the things I come to find
Though darkness overwhelms me, and deep reaches of my mind
Imagining that long ago, and lost forgotten time
When you had said you loved me, in words so soft and kind

Sometimes in the early dawn, the sun will shine on me
And take me to a place, that had belonged to us, you see
A place where we had held onto our love, then set it free
I wonder, ponder all these things, but pray them not to be...
I pray the years to come, will not inflict my heart such pain
And hope my dreams of you, will not leave my nights insane
But weary as I am, I must sleep, and that is when
The thoughts come round, I hear the sound, of heartache once again

Someday when you're older you may think of me as well
Maybe in some story, to your children, that you'll tell
A memory that you will keep inside, within yourself
The tears, lost on pages in the books upon your shelf...
To lie there undisturbed, though visited at times
Each stain , another piece of you and I, dropped from your eyes
Belonging to your heart, each teardrop held there tells you why
The smiles were lost, and what the cost, of long ago goodbye...

Age, however may not play with us, It’s cruel game
Time may pass, and all for us continue, stay the same
But if somehow I should forget, some things will still remain
The way you whispered how that you had loved me, and your name...
I've written thousands, such as these, words of you to hold...
A way to keep the killing, chilling winds of of age, and old
Out of my broken heart for you, this... to myself I've told
I use it as a way to lock outside alone, and cold...

The cold of being lost in time, the chill of no one there
And so I've tried, but know that I must keep the memories where
Time nor circumstance will find my mind so doctrinaire
And few are found the answers to my heartaches questionnaire
I write down broken memories, for I know about these things
The day we said our vows, and exchanged our golden rings
To me it comes as music, and the song my angel sings
That someday when I'm older... into my mind it brings,

A thought of you........

Dean Evans
1-06-09

I believe some things are meant to leave you far behind
Lost in lonely regions, deep within your mind
What becomes of you or me is found within the storm
Questions with no answer, that have now become the norm

Depression rips and tears at you, to leave a troubled heart
At times you sit and wonder, how did nothing get it’s start
People seem as strangers though you see them everyday
Time has seen that happiness, or dream of it decay

At times you smile, but deep inside the smile is just a mask
A way to keep the peering eyes that follow, off their task
To live in isolation, surrounded by the crowd
Thoughts that fill your mind, very few you say out loud

Night time races in again, to leave you to yourself
The drugs are taken as prescribed, most times with little help
You leave the fires burning, seek comfort from the light
The silence sings too loudly, with darkness much too bright

But morning brings the bitter rain of tears and lost regret
Time shall heal all wounds they say, I haven’t got there yet
So until then I suppose I’ll do what I can do
The years ahead seem close at hand, but that is nothing new

Time is closing in on me, I’ve known it for some time
The future watches, waiting for the day set forth as mine
And when the day arrives for me, I’ll see the wasted years
Remembering the days of pain,
within the time of tears...

Dean Evans
3-10-14

At times it seems to hard to go on living
Peace, and ease of thought have not yet found me
Sorrow pours, and the skies are unforgiving
Life rains, until I think that it might drown me

I've searched and searched for answers, but there are none
So where am I to turn for what I seek
The promise, and the hope I had, are long gone
What's left inside this shell of me is weak

I don't know how much longer faith can hold me
To arise and greet each day, and try again
Afraid that all this pain that tries so boldly
Will throw my naked soul out in the rain

No shelter from these random thoughts of leaving
That things would work out better, with me gone
But my old friend Guilt, keeps me believing
My death would only leave behind more harm

So I must travel on inside this nightmare
A terror worse because I'm not asleep
This mirror shows me nothing but a blank stare
I've found I've lost the will, to even weep

But crying hasn't solved these problems yet
It only leave the heart that cries, the sad one
It takes my thoughts but won't let me forget
I've tried to live a life, but I don't have one

And knowing the tormented mind won't rest
That empty thoughts and pain, still rule the day
The night allows no sleep, and seems to test
Is there Heaven?, is there God?
from hell I pray.

Dean Evans
4-24-2004

Old friends are gone and others leaving
I stay... attempt to comfort grieving
And think of times we laughed in jest
It seems I block out all the rest
The days spent, lost those joyous rare
And if I try to dream them there
It doesn't bring me heartless pain
That sudden consciousness again

Lucky to have known at all
Our seasons spent into the fall
The promise winter makes to me
Cold winds remind of "used to be"
The summer days we played our games
But now I go and read the names
Of friends who hold me in their dash
Dust to dust... Ash to ash...

For I must be upon this earth
To find those things, for what it's worth
I know there is a plan.. to be
That God has kept concealed from me
It's written on the wind, they say
Can I endure another day ?
The loneliness of days released
For friends, and friendship do not cease

I stand as windows sentry now
For someone stopping by, but how
I guess I'll have to go to them
The years shall pass.. I question when
When will God decide to take me
Not to leave me.. not forsake me..
In sorrow's cruel unhappiness
For all those lost, and it's loneliness

I'll ponder as the ages pass
Plant new flowers in the grass
And though I'll shed a million tears
I'll sit and wait throughout the years
I feel that I will be the last
Believing... dreaming of the past
But gifted, if I am... or cursed
I fear the years to come the worst

I've realized , I'll still be here
Hope lost in those final years
After all have gone to be
With Heaven that is kept...
from me
I may have only lost my way
Perhaps I've missed my fateful day
If death has called, I wasn't near
Now I stand throughout the years

But I am sure someday day , I'll go
Like all loved ones, and friends I know
He makes me wait and there is time
What's gone in me is lost,
in mind...
Immortal?.. no...I'll live my life
But see my children... friends,
my wife...
All leave this earth, before I do
That is my curse.. the loss,
of you..

But I must do, what I must do
Be there...
I'll catch up to you.........

Dean Evans
2-24-07
(REvised 8-29-14)

I’ve sat and thought about the things in life, that I’ve done wrong
The tears I've placed there in your eyes, the dreams that now are gone
I still recall the changing light, promises...
in the dawn
Now the years have passed us by, at times cruel sine qua non
Please do not believe that I’ve forgotten what was said
Those dreams we wished for in our youth, still trapped inside my head
Felicity, please understand, is in the lives that we have led
But I still hear the echoes of those lost and broken dreams, instead

Remembering that sunset, and those wispy angel clouds
The only sound the wind... and our hearts, away from city crowds
We knew back then the love we had, would never let us down
But the cool green leaves of Summer, have now sadly turned to brown
Those nights with you were then, and are the best times I have known
I live within those memories, for the winds of age have blown
I reap the painful harvest of the sorrow that I’ve grown
Can I repair your heart?, that remains in the unknown

Please do not misunderstand, I’ve loved you all this time
It’s just that I have thoughts that come to cloud my troubled mind
I’ve left too many words unsaid,
too many tears behind
And now the past is slowly creeping up on me, I find
To leave me here to live with all the pain I’ve put you through
As you must so endure, the self-reproach I’ve given you
I ask only forgiveness, I know the asking's overdue
My life is what it is,
but it’s nothing without you…

Dean Evans
12-12-14
For C.

It seems I’ve used up all my words... these so called tools of mine
To allow you exploration deep inside my heart,
within my mind
These pages lie in solitude, in darkened boxes...
left behind
Possibly to be discovered, senescent....
and there unsigned
Someday perhaps, some years from now my words are found... austere
Their meanings undefined, and so sadly...
feelings disappear
Can words on paper hold, what even now seems clouded...
so unclear?
The thoughts of one as me, who only sought...
to leave some comfort here

These pages now have seen another dark December…
come and gone
And so another year has passed, to leave my words...
therein withdrawn
Condemned to sad obscurity, endless evening...
endless dawn
To lie there unobserved, another tired...
ragged vagabond

They fill these dusty passe drawers,
my pages disregarded...lost
All of what I’ve written, so much time and effort...
God the cost
The nights spent lost in cold regret, for the frozen lines...
that I have crossed
I watch as now, upon my heart there lies a cutting...
bitter frost
The emptiness of thoughts unread, to fade...
throughout the ages
Ravaged by the hands of time, yellowed...
torn and tattered edges
Please believe me when I say, It’s cost me sorrows
cruel wages
These unseen words of mine, that lie dead and silent on…
The Pages.

Dean Evans
1-08-15

The old man told his story, lost within his troubled youth
His words quite labored, heavy... his raspy voice by now uncouth
At times mixing the conversation with gin and ice, and sweet vermouth
His eyes were clear however, and I saw therein...
a quiet truth
He talked of her at length, his thoughts concise,
composed... serene
At times he’d pause, efface another silent tear he’d wished unseen
His dreams would countermand the years... love and youth,
would reconvene
She’s waiting there for him you see… The girl with eyes,
of Paris green

Some had said her ways unsound, disposition... introject
He said she knew the rumors, and she thought them all quite innocent
He told of how she’d laughed at them… of narrow minds,
and intellect
He found in her the love he’d sought, although his hope remained suspect
He looked into her eyes, and saw the faintest touch of sorrow there
Shining through the gentle mist, and the eglantine within her hair
He felt somehow her pain, although she’d kept it obscure...
nom de guerre
And so his own mistakes were viewed, in Paris green...
and sad despair

Their time together thus unfurled within this anguished declamation
Of years now spent in solitude, with lost and lonesome lamentation
For one whose essence still bestows upon his dreams, in meditation
Aspirations there arise, to leave his heart in desperation
His thoughts remained unchanged, unbroken...
memories demure
He stood to mix another drink, then paused...perhaps his mind unsure
Gathering his memories, so past and present touch... concur
And then continued once again, his sad and doleful dream of her

I listened there, throughout the night... I lie in sedentary pose
Then as I fall asleep I see the here and now,
and then... transpose
I see myself in dreams with her, but why? my heart has not disclosed
I'm lost within some late, late hour envisage... or so I suppose
I then awake alone, to find my thoughts of her and then, no clearer
The snow outside my window cannot bring her memory nearer
Though I can dream of Paris green, and all those places, so familiar
Tonight I'll listen once again, and tell my story..
to the mirror

Dean Evans
1-06-15

Desolate is the heart, which is forced to cry alone
Determined is the heart that yearns for love
Fractured is the heart, that is left upon it’s own
All of these, the heart is victim of
Homeless is the heart that must beat, for lasting peace
Jingoist, the heart that covets war
Abashed the heart, that remembers not, life’s fragile ease
All of this the heart endures, and more

Callous is the heart, that has known the pain of loss
Wretched is the heart, that’s given in
Wayward is the heart, that knows not, the fight for cause
All of these the heart is, now and then
Defenseless is the heart that beats for one, and always will
Blinded is the heart that looks away
Fortuitous the heart, that will love your heart until
The Sun is gone, and light has lost the day

Gone astray, the heart that has lost God’s soothing grace
Freed, the heart that calls on Him, divine
Consumed, the heart within, that has longed to see your face
Ravished is the heart, that calls you mine
I think you’ve realized it is my heart, I speak of
Nurturing the heart, that dries my tears
Enduring is the heart, that beats for just your love
Eternally the heart,
eternal years.

Dean Evans
10-05-13

Sometimes in the early morning, rising from my bed
I hear a distant, silent sound, a voice inside my head
But wake to empty rooms again, and loneliness instead
I know the echoes in my mind, are things that you have said...
I have a sense of years ago, but know those years are gone
Remembering the things we shared, and all the things we’ve done
The dreams begin at night, but in the morning I’m alone
Another piece within sorrow’s collection, that I own...

And though I seek relief from this, to ease the mental strain
Each morning finds me waiting here, a prisoner to the pain
So on I travel through my days, till evening comes again
No one sees the tears I shed, released within the rain...
Now and then I wake to unheard voices in my head
Lying in the changing light uneasy in my bed
It feels like rain again, although the sky is blue instead
The memories that come back to me,
Are things that you have said  

Dean Evans...
11-13-13

Why did you arrive with love, just when I needed you
Fractured are the reasons, and I know not what to do
Far from having peace of mind, confusion's breaking through
I've crawled on hands and knees, down betrayals avenue

Why did I find you now, it's all still so unclear
My life has been a heartless path, a tortured trail of tears
But now that you are close to me, what dream has brought you here
To make me fall in love again, and stop the lonely years

Do I deserve the happiness I know your heart can bring
Perhaps your love brings resolution, solves my everything
Or will you turn away from me, and cause my heart to swing
Back into hopeless, sleepless nights no love, no anything

What did you require, when you said that me you loved me
You know it's hard to take that soft embrace, to set me free
To allow my heart to beat again, my eyes to finally see
Those things my mind cannot believe, can actually be

It's happened more than I can stand, to love and then be lost
Inside a dark and painful world, emotions torn and tossed
A sea of tears that follows me, the heartache that it's cost
Time will heal the wounds they say,
a line I haven't crossed

So don't distress about my hesitation, to be loved
It feels that you've been Heaven sent to me, from high above
Mind and heart can't take the things, they've been a victim of
My love has flown away as does the wild morning dove

I'll give our love a chance to grow, to flourish, and to thrive
I'll try to put away this pain endured by me, but I've
Been brokenhearted and I hope as long as I'm alive
That you won't be just one more thing,
that I'm forced to survive

I don't think I'm up to it...

Dean Evans
10-01-06

Who will offer strength, when my existence leaves me stunned, 
and weak
I hope my mind astute enough, to realize the truth I seek
God gave me the blessing of this life and many, far beyond
I sent out a silent prayer, I prayed that God would so respond 
You see... I’ve just lost track of time, and all the years have now unfurled
I find myself ambiguous, confined within this troubled world
I conveyed that mental prayer, and asked “Oh Lord what shall I do?”
God extended tenderness, and so His grace led me…
to you

And thus gave me the answer, the one I’d sought... and for so long
That there is so much right in life, when crying eyes saw only wrong
A life now filled... unbridled hope, and God’s love tends to this
Eternity just lying there, where God and I can coexist 
Relinquishing my spirit, soul… and all conceived, all that I am
To find the thoughts believed unreal, survive inside this heart of man
But I am forced to supplication... and as such I
watch, and wait
For eventide's sweet gentle motion of sleep’s dark, 
and silent gate…

For you see,
I sent out a silent prayer...

Dean Evans
12-21-13
(revised and re-named 
12-18-14)

Once you said forever did exist within our hearts
The promises of then, not true today
So that now, we’ve lost the loving feelings... torn apart
To leave our wasted love so once regarded, cast away
So many years ago we thought that love would see us through
But youth and reckless hearts, betrayed our trust
We stand upon the edge of loneliness, bidding love adieu
With things our hearts refuse now to discuss

Yesterday I saw the world as shining fresh, and free
Though day has now so sadly, turned to dusk
Now the scent upon the wind, is sorrows potpourri
Golden memories, slowly were exchanged for faded rust
Once you said that you and I were surely meant to be
Now you have forgotten things you said
Years have not been kind to love, at least for you and me
And emptiness arrived, now in residence instead

Perhaps the things you said were right, although our time was flawed
Emotions, lost devotion caused our crash
Years were spent behind our paradisaic facade
Until forever stood alone, abash
Though I do not regret the things we promised in our youth
Dreams just lost their strength along the way
Now my dreams are mixed, along with ***** and vermouth
My dreams are much too small, to my dismay

Though I recall the things you said, now far beyond my reach
Perhaps I still can find them in the night
Love, somehow became another sad figure of speech
What it has become absorbs me, quite
Once you said forever did exist, within our hearts
Though there were things your heart could not condone
The past comes back to haunt me now, since love has come apart
But I can still recall,
when forever stood alone.

Dean Evans
5-12-14

December, and I feel the Winters breath on me tonight
Blue skies and warmer weather overdue
I wonder, is it hope that has left me here outright
And this glass of wine, that takes the place of you
I drink, and in my mind I am taken back to when
We watched the Autumn leaves, beside the fire
Intoxication takes from me, much more than I take in
And leaves me here alone, with my desire

But as I pour another glass of sorrow in my heart
Another bottle crashes to the floor
I walk upon these shattered rhymes, the ones I've torn apart
So many things my heart must answer for
I shut myself inside again, to keep the cold at bay
Unlock the loss with bottles, that I drink
To think that if I open them, the pain may go away
But it just pours back out of me, in ink

Pictures, that were taken then, show me a different man
The images, just moments trapped in time
I close my eyes to hide from them, but I don't think I can
Forget the memories, trapped in my mind
It leads me nowhere fast, though I travel on and on
To places I have been, with you in dreams
The memories return to me, another bottle gone
Still trying to relive, relieve, unwind.

But tension holds me here alone, caught in the cruel grip of
The reasons that I drink to ease my thought
Holds me to a picture of a girl, a life, a love
And all the loneliness, that this has brought
Allowing visitation, with these nights of what once was
Believing drink, may bring you back to me
Trying to correct mistakes I've made, but just because
I cannot hope to do so with Chablis

I cannot view things clearly through this glass held in my hand
Or see through clouded thought, when I am finished
I pull another cork, and like so many grains of sand
My power to discern these things, diminished
To see the eyes I once had known, that looked right into me
Transparent as I am, and was before
My love I never tried to hide, and hoped that you would see
But hope is lost, it's closed and locked the door

Locked me far away from all I had, or ever knew
Then closed me in to what I know today
Falling Autumn leaves, that remind me still of you
Though love now seems a tired old cliche
To destroy all I am, or all I once had hoped to be
to leave me with the tears dropped from my eyes
My glass is full again, though now it seems of me
We’ve said all of the sad and cruel goodbyes

Goodbye is not the end of love, but the beginning of alone
"I love you" not the start of love, as well
But I’m still thinking, wandering, back to what is gone
It breaks my spirit, that much I can tell
I've told my story many times, to this old photograph
I've tried just to explain, though no one hears
Each bottle that I open, and the others seem to laugh
At drinks I mix, with sorrow and my tears

I suppose that it's my mind, just playing tricks you see
Springtime’s shining leaves now turned to brown
Outside my window, Decembers darkness screams to me
Another reason just to think, and drown
Drown myself in pity, and another shaking glass
Held within this shaking heart of mine
The broken heart of such a man, that's fading, fading fast
Dissolving in another glass of wine

Shrinking with each bottle that lies cluttered on my floor
Dying, as the embers of my fire
Gone is yet another day, but I know there are more
Before the death of me, and my desire
Desire that does not resist the clock, or years of time
Doesn't die with drink that I consume
Hasn't gone away in any broken, dismal rhyme
Or a glass of wine,
that takes the place of you

Dean Evans
11-07-08

Take my hand my love, don't let go and hold it tight
Let me lead you back where we belong
Hold me like you used to do, make love to me tonight
We'll listen to that old James Taylor song
The one that always made me think of you, to ease my mind
There on the radio, when first we kissed
You looked so deep into my eyes, I though I may go blind
As we stood there in the early morning mist

We walked along that forest trail, and stopped to see the falls
I told you that I loved you, and you cried.
Within that moment, then and there, I felt we had it all
The sunset lingered there, the moon denied...
But as the darkness drifted in, our fire broke the chill
We lie within the ruins of our laughter
And then the moon, she sang to us, I can hear it still
It seemed if nothing came before, or after

I slept with you under the stars, and there in space... they danced
In harmony and rhythm with our love
The morning gave to us the sweet aroma of romance
Beneath the clear blue sky, we found above
Love was in the fog below, Spring flowers on the ground
The forest floor was ours, and ours alone
Often, I still dream of this, but daylight comes around
I wake to find the sun... the dream is gone

Though always in my memory, those days of years ago
They clear my heart and bring me thoughts of youth
Like that old James Taylor song... and the love I hope I show
There was always something in the way you moved
You looked my way, or called my name, left this troubled world behind...
So take my hand love, never set it free
I'll remind you of the time we captured love in heart, and mind
And listened to that song, from ol' J.T....

Dean Evans
5-20-2010

I have no desire to be viewed as you see me
I have my own idea of beauty, you may disagree
However, small opinions enter not inside my mind
My thoughts are far above you, and those so unrefined
I have no true intention to explain myself to you
As well no inclination, please, do not misconstrue
You cannot comprehend the way of life for one as I
The ordinary, pertaining to myself does not apply

I live within the world of what you may call unique
Though I cannot be bothered with your immature critique
My time is much too valuable to be given free of charge
I find your kind unworthy, and useless by and large
I know I am superior I ask not, to reason why
The mirror shows me confidence, pleasing to the eye
My eyes will tell me secrets, no others eyes can know
The image seems to capture me in broad and bold tableau

I watch the ordinary live out ordinary lives
With only average children and mediocre wives
It seems to me however that there is perhaps contentment
With solitary knowledge of another's strong commitment
I do not make promises to others for my love
Most who may desire my heart, are undeserving of
Perhaps one day I will at last be trapped in loves embrace
And so I close my feelings to emotion, just in case

One who I may love would have to be unique as well
Incomparable as I, to leave no chance for sad farewell
Although I have my doubts that I may find one such as this
It saddens me to some extent, perhaps my thoughts amiss
I only wish to find someone deserving of affection
That sees me as I am, without the slightest imperfection
One who can appreciate my well rehearsed mystique
So they may know the heart they hold is,
utterly Unique...

Dean Evans
5-06-14

It seems I am restricted, in sedentary pose
Unable to incite physiques agreement to disclose
My physical impairment has done little to my mind
But lost to me is the memory of how and why I find.
My heart still beats, and I can feel it pounding in my chest
The only movement left to me, the remainder is oppressed
It seems that I am locked away, somewhere in my mind
Although the world is passing by, I abide confined

My vision now is crystal clear and I can see it all
But somehow recollection of what happened not recalled
Some sort of accident perhaps, has left me thus afflicted
My intellect undamaged, though my body torn and twisted
There are those who look at me, and I see that they’re unsure
Though I attempt communication, my eyes remain demure
I wonder if they wonder, is my mind yet undiminished
No thought I have can contact them, they leave when they are finished

Nighttime is the worst for me, when evening takes the day
Dreams are chosen well each night from horrors dossier
I scream my thoughts although in silence, no one there to hear
It leaves my heart the only sound, although my mind austere
If only one of those who pass me by without a glance
Could see I’m sound inside my mind, It may give me a chance
To again communicate with those who are unfrozen
And learn the reasons for my sudden physical implosion

I hold no memory of the past, my future now uncertain
Recovery unknown to me, the present undetermined
I only wish to see the sun, and know the world exists
The window sits behind me, so thoughts of death persist
But I am not the kind that will give in to circumstance
I still recall a girl, with faded memories of romance
Was she once my only love to know my true devotion
Is she one that passes by?...it seems a pleasing notion

To think that there may be someone who loves me as I am
Who sees the light that's left in me, to know that I’m a man
And not to leave here alone, in silence and heartbroken
Who knows I feel love that for her however, never spoken
At times I sense her love for me, however tears are rare
I dream I stand and walk to her, and she is waiting there
To realize I am intact, though physically afflicted
Who knows I love inside my mind,
so tragically restricted...

I just want someone to know
I am here....

Dean Evans
5-09-14

In the winter of my mind  
The leafless branches of my existence
Bend to the cold wind of self, and you are there
To be the fresh gentle snow
That falls upon my every thought
To cover the cold and dark ground of my life
With a soft white blanket of contentment,
Blocking out the harsh and killing winds of thought,
That keep me frozen here...
Without you.

In spring, you are the sunshine
To let my mind be warm, and the beauty of your scent
And the flowers that your heart creates
Allow me to grow in ways not thought of
But so clear
As clear as the deep blue of your eyes
And the clear spring sky
That follows me.

Into the summer of dreams, and rain
Where you protect me from the heat of anger
The rain of tears
The thunder of a life in turmoil
Instead , you give to me endless days of summer breezes
And soft sunsets  
To shining stars and nights with you
And the sky is full
I fall to sleep peacefully.

Autumn of the mind is filled with color
The color of your eyes, of your hair, and your smile
I see in you the beauty of living
Not the coming of a cold winter of being alone
I find you are the pale blue light of a full moon
You stop the promise of darkness
And fill the days with the light of your love
Of your brightness
And of spirit.

The seasons of my life are filled with you
And allow my mind to look through the sadness
Away from the pain
And give to me a quiet knowledge
That you are near me
And take from my heart, the thought of  
The seasons of loneliness
Should you be gone.

Dean Evans
9-27-07

Do I look unwell?, I am although mostly in my mind
The years have passed too quickly, and love has been unkind
Clouded are my memories, some faded with the time
Places and some faces, are forgotten now I find

Gone are those who knew me in my youth, the days gone by
It saddens me to think about the love I knew as mine
Sweet she was to me, and so I drank it in like wine
Though torn apart, my broken heart, it leaves me cold and I

I see the frost that forms upon my feelings now and then
And wonder if my old and weathered soul will ever win
Or lose the strength to carry on, because of what has been
I've spent the years, in pain and tears, not to be loved again

And so it goes for such a man, I am the one who cries
Darkness overwhelms me in the midst of sunny skies
Left to wonder how this all can be, to reason why
Shattered, torn and tattered, after all the cruel goodbyes

The tears I cry continue, to the loneliness that started
When alone I visit solemn site, the loved and dear departed
Memories that come to me so closely held, and guarded
That now I stand so forlorn and,
in black and brokenhearted.

Dean Evans
8-21-10

Sometimes when I'm all alone, and thoughts come racing in
Those that find me here without you, take me back to when
I see you smiling back at me, from somewhere deep within
The day is gone, another night accepts these tears again

No one in the daylight now, can know what I've been through
I keep my feelings hidden while the sky is shining blue
But then I close the doors and pull the shades, what can I do?
When evening comes to call on me, my memories call to you

I recall the times when we would laugh the night away
I didn't have to mask my feelings far into the day
But now I wait for darkness, and it's there I long to stay
To see your face from windows edge, in stars that dance
and play...

I have no way of knowing when the light will shine on me
And give to me the happiness that love can bring, you see
For now I know that only in my dreams, can I be free
And so each evening sunset takes me where I need to be...

So that I may see your heart, there in the darkened sky
Be comforted by faded black, remember you and I
To whisper to the moon, so She and I can softly cry
Where no one sees these silent tears
descending from my eyes...

Dean Evans.
9-23-13

The days pass by before me now, but all are dark and cold
I find my eyes cannot see through these tears
I reach into an envelope, again just to unfold
A letter written long ago in years
I was just a young man, and she was just a girl
Our time together lasted , but a while
Though time is just a man made thing, to help the years unfurl
It doesn't dim the memory of her smile
Those days so long ago, seem so fresh still in my mind
But every now and then I need to know
The words placed there on paper, that were written of the kind
That give me what her heart, cannot now bestow
In days of summer warmth, and nights of cool pale moon
The letter brings these things all back to me
The years of happiness, that ended far too soon
These crying eyes can read, what used to be
I unfold the old and yellowed paper, gently in my hand
To just remember eyes that used to shine
Dreams revisit those nights, and I still sometimes can
Recall a long ago, and softer time
But time can dull the senses, alone can steal the days
To cut and tear my memories in two
So every now and then, I again must read these words
The three small words she left me, " I love you".....

Dean Evans
7- 11 -08

The days ahead can hold no hope, to ease my troubled mind
The kind of sad insanity that I have come to find
I suppose it's only one man's thoughts, these treat me so unkind
And evening only adds to this, no peace, I can't unwind
The nights only are worse for me, as the thoughts come racing in
Sleeplessness, my enemy, companion... my friend..
Just to close my eyes is all I seek, but only then
The nightmares come to haunt me, and to break my heart again.

No one comes to rescue me, or to tell me all is fine
I drown myself each day and night, with another glass of wine
Each bottle that falls empty to my floor rings, like a chime
To usher in another day of bitter, hopeless time.
Dear God, what a shape I'm in!, I shout, but no one hears
Alone I lie in heartache, and another pool of tears
No saving of this mind of mine, to quiet nagging fears
I tell you this my friends, for I have wasted, ...
wasted years.

Although I have no feeling but a cruel and crushing pain
That holds me in, but holds me out to everything I gain
I only wish for one warm falling, rushing summer rain
Though only in this room tears fall, and no one sees the stain.
The stain that causes me to feel my life is not worth this
I watch the world pass by outside I reach, again I miss
Miss the calming happiness that's found, with gentle kiss
I am void in this existence, but my soul does not resist.

Does not resist the loneliness, and the agony of day
I feel as I do not exist, though I find no other way
Death would be a welcome guest, it may be sad to say
But just the thought of praying causes prayers to slip away.
I know that this sounds strange to you, and strange to me as well
Like waves upon a restless sea, my emotions rise and swell
In my mind I think of Heaven, but then I then fall back into hell
How long must I endure this fate?, I have no way to tell.

I throw another piece of my desire against the wall
I've seen too much, and so as such, I watch the pieces fall
Another shattered dream is gone, my dreams are much too small
To escape reality, and the truth, and that is all...
Depression rips and tears at me, to leave a battered soul...
The man that I once used to be, has fallen in this hole
Heart cut with a razors edge, too sharp to feel it go
Gone with no remorse for me, to where I wouldn't know.

So listen to my story friends and hear my dreadful plight
I've lost all that I thought was mine, no will left me to fight
With days now that are tortured, along with horrors night
No power to discern in what is wrong, or what is right.
I rise to sad uncertainty, and spend my days alone
In the shadow of another sunset, and what sunsets have shown
The leaves have fallen, trees are bare, and the wind...
it hasn't blown..
I live within the long and insane,
Years of my Unknown...

Dean Evans
4-16-08

I’ve overstayed my welcome, I must apologize to you
I’m sure that you have more important, pressing things to do
I thank you though for listening, until my story through
I know that it sounds strange, but these things I say are true
I know that I have placed a certain pain upon your heart
My thoughts of love and loss, I've try to keep the two apart
Perhaps it wasn’t meant to be, but I knew that from the start
My galleries of sorrow are such lovely, painful art

I have no explanation why the love I knew is gone
I cannot understand within my mind, the deeds now done
That causes darkness to consume me far into the dawn
Mistakes were made, but I only wish to see the shining sun
I have no hope that what is lost may wander back, you see
To ease this cruel impassioned heart, and finally set me free
I wonder sometimes if these things will ever come to me
To stop the tears, the wasted years, that now have come to be

Don’t let you heart be troubled, for things I now bestow
My thoughts of adoration, my emotions have me feeling low
What I could’ve said or done to save it, I don’t know
Heart cut with a razors edge, too sharp to feel it go
To leave me here inside myself, love gone, once so sublime
I’m left with only memories, and these are quite unkind
Memories lost now... deep within the shallow pond of time
The distance seems far greater, in the deep ocean of my mind

The years that I have spent alone have left me rather weak
But that’s what sorrow does I guess, with heartache at it’s peak
These words that I now say to you, please offer your critique
About the things I don’t want you to know, I will not speak
I appreciate the way that you have been here for me now
Although I understand that I have saddened you somehow
It was not my intention, for my heart to thus endow
Your kindness to be victim of what hearts most disavow

I see your face is wet my friend, I didn’t realize
Perhaps these things I’ve said to you, perhaps it was unwise
To leave this sadness in your heart, rain pouring from the skies
To mix with solemn tears that I have placed there, in your eyes
I’ve overstayed my welcome, and I’m sorry just for this
Though we have things in common, with the love there, that was missed
I hope someday our hearts can heal, to sit and reminisce
About those things once held so dear,
with love and gentle kiss.

Dean Evans
4-25-2014

The summer sun sinks quietly, but evening takes the day
I sit alone and think of things you’ve said,
And then your voice comes silently, and I can hear the way
So gently you had spoken, from the poems you had read.
I would build a fire for us, and you looked long for books,
In your hand, a well chilled glass of wine.
You’d turn your head and give to me some sweet, and loving look,
Just your presence stopped for me, the dreadful hands of time.

I still recall as we sat down, beside the fire’s bright,
In the light our eyes met once, and then...
Glistening as you turned the page, ah, soft enchanting night
You read aloud, I fell to dreams again
Listening, I sat transfixed, to the words that you had chosen
You peered above the page, and gave a wink
A mental traveler I became, and all my thoughts were frozen
Your casual style gave this to me, I think.

Slowly, time would pass for us, I’d stoke the fire and then
You’d have our glasses filled, and waiting there
Another page turned in your book, a poem to begin
The glow within the hearth, shone as gold upon your hair.
I kissed you once, and you had said, “It’s you, I know I love”
Before you read the next one on your list
I’d relax and sip my wine, the willing victim of
Your charming ways, and all the nights you made me feel like this

Those years are gone, though in my mind, I think it yesterday
Youth has left my heart, the one forsaken
But time is such a cruel thing, and has it’s heartless way
At times I find those memories, although they have been taken.
Taken from my here and now, but still so fresh in thought
I think about that smile once, and again
I’ll build my fire, remembering the books that you had brought
And the times you sat just waiting,
A poem to begin..

Dean Evans
8-3-11

I saw her on my way somewhere, I don't remember now
And passed her by beneath the pouring skies
Then as the rain stopped, all I did was think of her, and how
She stared at me with sad unblinking eyes
All that I remember now, was she sat there all alone
And I, within my haste, gave half a glance
I turned he next wet corner, and my thoughts of her were gone
But soon returned in dreams, of sweet romance

Her eyes had looked right into me, and saw my broken heart
I don't know how, but I felt she saw my pain
She somehow sensed inside, my loneliness was part
Of love that I had lost, or failed to gain
And so I walked that street again, looking for the girl
That sat there in the tears that I had cried
But she was gone, day after day, oh, what a cruel world
I wished that I had stopped, that I had tried

Tried to know what she had seen, as I passed quickly by
There in her face, I saw my own mistakes
The girl with the unblinking eyes, not knowing how to cry
I think of her, and if her poor heart breaks
I wonder if in her, there are thoughts of me at times
Remembering, we met each other's pain
Knowing that I wasn't hers, she surely wasn't mine
I hurried past, and walked on through the rain

I studied every face I saw, to find that look once more
But nowhere did that feeling reach my view
Had I imagined her that day, my heart is not so sure
My mind perhaps plays tricks on me, untrue
But I hope she was really there, to let me see somehow
That all I ever needed was her smile
To wake me from these nightmares, and the dreams that I have now
And thoughts I have of her, now all the while

Perhaps someday I'll see her sitting, waiting there for me
She'll be there in that same familiar place
And all the wasted years that I have I've known, will cease to be
Then she and I, will know love's warm embrace
But for now I'll go on searching, searching for those eyes
And I hope I'll find her once again
The girl I saw so long ago, beneath the pouring skies
So I won't be just standing in the rain

Dean Evans
3-09-09

It seems that now, I've wandered far away from what I was
Far beyond what I believed was true
I hesitate to look behind me, just because
It only brings my sorrow into view
The minutes pass like hours, and the days go on for years
My troubled heart left not in soft repose
Time has helped me not at all, subsiding dreadful fears
To leave my thoughts confused now, I suppose

Lost within my nights are the things I once desired
Like footsteps in the sand, left far behind
I keep my tears hidden away, my eyes weary, and tired
Too many fallen now, it hurts my mind
I strain to see the friends I've known, but fail to see their faces
Time and circumstance, a distant star
Again to visit all of them, in old familiar places
Watch the sunset, play that old guitar

April sang so sweet to them, and I would play for her
All those old familiar lost love songs
The days, that now are nightmares of all the things we were
Too late to place mistakes where they belong
And wrong as wrong can be I was, to think that things would last
The sun above, the wind blowing her hair
I travel back but lose my way, to find my missing past
When all our love and all our friends were there

It is a time remembered, though I try hard to forget
Not wishing to relive heartbreak again
No one is left to ease my pain, I hold on to regret
That drives me close to thoughts of nights insane
For I am all that's left of those few who knew those days
All are gone but me, I sit alone
I sometimes still can hear her voice, but seldom do I play
Those were better days, the best I've known

Days and nights upon the beach, with firelight and song
Those songs still sing within my mind at times
The sun would shine, and laughter filled those summer days so long
That I cannot describe here, in these rhymes
And so I wander, far away from what I used to be...
Far beyond what I believed was true...
But I think back now and then, to what I knew as me
And lift my glass to friends, and then,
and you...

DEAN EVANS
2-12-09

Once upon my long ago, youth was wild and free
The mirror saw a life that stretched ahead
But now, reflection shows the life I’ve left in back of me
The memories are still fresh, inside my head.
The past love and the happiness, of days and years I've spent
Are there with all I've done, and what I've lost
I've paid for all time I've lived, and the mirror takes the rent
And weary eyes see all of what it's cost...

Reflection of a man who is still the man I was
Though time has changed the image that I see
Time will take its toll on youth, I know this all because
This mirror has shown all of this to me
Looking at myself I see not what others see
Everyone who's known me all this time
I notice all the changes, that have slowly come to me
Though can't be seen inside this lonely rhyme

Like seasons change from spring into summer, on to fall
The mirror shows the change in me as well
Standing silent, shining silver glass reveals it all
Some of these are things that I won’t tell
But I must give myself, to what time will bring me now
And thus, brings to all of us you'll find
The mirror opens up to us and changes us somehow
But I still feel the same inside my mind

If I could take time back, make it different, how could I
Change this life I've lived without you there
I don't know the answer, but the mirror asks me why
Reflection shows me just a cold, blank stare
Seeing things remembered, memories from years ago
The thoughts fill up my mind, but leave me here
Being and not being, is what the mirror shows
The image that I see leaves me in fear

I find that I'm two men now, one that looks and one looks back
The glare which blinds, so I turn from the light
And as I do the room will quickly fade to black
But one man stands there waiting, through the night
And in the morning I can see, I'm different overall
It happens with each morning I awake
No words are spoken, spirit broken, days and years will fall
I weep for all the things the mirror takes

Takes from me my youth and my ability to cope
With what I’ve lost or things I’ve failed to gain
I peer inside the glass, and gone are dreams and hope
And all that’s left within, are my remains
Am I the man outside the glass, or one who's locked inside
Old age has not left questions any clearer
I’ve learned over the years, it’s where loneliness resides
My youth is lost inside this dreadful mirror....

Dean Evans
3-27-08

The ink inside this pen can hold so many words, it's strange
I can describe so many things, or can sadly rearrange
With love or tears of sorrow, which will leave this paper stained
But in the end if no one reads, is love what I have gained?

For all I have inside my mind, flows out of me in ink
All the things I've wished for you and I, or what I think
Happiness or lonesome skies, ecstasy or pain
Lies within the winter snow I write, or summer rain

They say that if a tree falls, and no one's there to hear
Does it really make a sound, this thought fills me with fear
For if so true, then words that come from me, with pen in hand
Will disappear to be unseen, like castles in the sand

I've written many thousands, my words I set free here
I've emptied many pens to love's sweet feelings, and to fear
But my real fear is that my words, maybe just will lie
Until the pages filled with hope to you, will someday die

Words that come from deep inside, in hope of reaching you
But if my thoughts are never read, they're meaning gone but true
So why do I keep these poems coming from my mind?
Because if I should stop, the words would all be lost in time

Time that would see my words just lie upon these pages
No one here to see, or read them, fading with the ages
Someday gone with wind and rain the edges torn and tattered
Like autumn leaves, time will find the thoughts broken and scattered

But write I will, and for no reason but to help myself
Even if the words not read, grow dusty on my shelf
Someday perhaps, someone will browse far, in years to be
The old and yellowed papers, long ago written by me

To wonder maybe who had thoughts of love and loss combined
Who the old and weathered books came from, and from what mind
Some hopeless, helpless lost old soul, A woman or a man?
That sat for days and months on end, paper pen in hand

So now here lies another unread piece of my existence
Something compels me to write, I offer no resistance
I suppose it comforts me in ways, just to see these words
Perhaps just as the sun and sky,
comforts the singing birds

Dean Evans
9-24-07

Recently late at night, I find it hard to sleep
Awake inside my mind, there are memories I keep
I hear the distant sounds of all of those who cry, who weep
And those who have no one to call their own
It's caused me to reflect upon this life that I now lead
To close the weathered covers of the books I used to read
I've realized that I am not the only one in need
Although I travel through this world alone...

I peer out of my window, and I wonder what is right
The stars that shine above me, offer not their soothing bright
I see only the cold of space, I hear them in the night
How has this existence come to be?...
Hours pass that seem to me as years upon the wind
No morning light to ease my soul, see sorrow at it’s end
To bask in dawn's warm sunshine, and open eyes again
And bring the life I've dreamed of, back to me...

But nowhere do I feel within my mind, that it will come
I only long for peace of heart, though I have hope of none
The cries of all the lost I hear, I pray their crying done
This sound, it drives me close to nights insane...
Have I already fallen to my last, and worst mistake?
Failing to believe it all, and all that is at stake
I hold my aching head, to quiet sound the lost ones make
What of me I wonder, when it's over, will remain?...

At times I close the window, and I try to hide from this
And grasping for the ring of life, I reach again, I miss
Silence, Ah! sweet silence, my one and only wish
But on and on, the nightmare haunts me now...
Where has love been buried It's silent headstone lie?
Why has sorrow's cruel insistence, been given to I
How can I accept this loss, and listen as they cry
I have to find a way to peace somehow...

If tomorrow just would show her face, I may survive intact
Destroy this endless yearning, how would my heart react?
But tomorrow never comes for me, and chained here by this fact
I only want to throw it all away...
And dash myself from windows edge, to fall upon the stones
The waves to crash up over me, and wash away my bones
Would anyone thus hear my cries, for years, as I have done?
For I can't bear to listen to them say...

That life has not been worth it, this heartless loss of love
Can I refuse to stand here, to be made the victim of
No hope of early morning dawn, just storm clouds from above
Why have I, been chosen as the one?...
To suffer through the endless night, no peace inside my head
And hear the dreadful silence, of the crying of the dead
I fear my written words of prayer to God, have gone unread
And so, I stand at windows edge, alone...

To over and again, be the only one who hears
I've given in to hopelessness, I've lost my fight with fear
Afraid though as I am, they are closer, coming near
The sound is louder than it was before...
Silent sounds inside my mind, I am the Chosen one
The Guardian of Tears, who hears the heartbroken, alone
I cannot see them, but I've realized where they have gone
They beg to me, and claw upon my door...

But if I open up the door, and let them come inside
Insanity may come to me, and here it would reside
And every tear that's fallen will be mine, no where to hide
And all this cruel world's sorrow, I will own...
And so I stand against them, I steel myself from hate
Even through the years now passed, perhaps it is my fate
I've tried to close my eyes, though I know it's much too late
As the Guardian Of tears,
I'm on my own...

Dean Evans
7-7-2010

Yesterday I saw the sun, though night has seen it fade
This morning brought dark clouds, and heavy rain
Yesterday I knew your love, but you’ve taken it away
To leave me here with nothing, but my pain

What has caused this lost and dreadful breaking of my heart
I need an explanation, can’t you see?
Someone please, just tell me why my world was torn apart
The answers I can’t buy, and they’re not free

Yesterday was sweet and kind, I felt that this would last
Today, sorrow has shown to me it’s face
Happiness seems long ago, far deep into my past
And heartache has arrived, to take her place

The moments pass like days for me, and days drag on for years
I’m blind to what the future has in store
All I see before my eyes, are my descending tears
They crash and break, as glass upon my floor

These empty arms still hold the thought of soft, and sweet caress
Though I awake from nightmares, still alone
At times I drift back into dreams, I hear you answer yes
But morning tells me no, and you’re still gone

I know this sounds insane to some, and me?... I just can’t tell
I’ve lost direction, gone reason and rhyme
I know that in this prison of my mind, that I’m unwell
The clock has stopped for me, I’m lost in time

I listen to old music, though it helps me, not at all
This pounding in my head leads me astray
And like that sad old Beatles song, I’m feeling just like Paul
I sit alone and long, for Yesterday.

DEAN EVANS
7-23-11

Angels wings come fly this soul
to better places far from cold
and warm my poor impassioned heart
That grief has caused to fall apart
and ended with the loss of love, sublime
I pray Thee Lord deliver me
before cruel time has swallowed me
falling into sad disgrace
the longing, once to see her face
but ended with the wasted , wasted time
Gather round this tortured being
open eyes to clear, through seeing
what mistakes were placed upon
the Lovely lonely, only one
that was my love, though now is lost to me
To show forgiveness, so that I
may know the reasons, disclose why
these walls that close upon me now
may open heart, and sky somehow
I know no truth, the willingness, to be
Stop the broken heart now bleeding
ease the pain, harsh pain of needing
what now lost through greed, and lust
forever gone, sweet seed of trust
and left alone here, fighting all these tears
Hope not placed back into hands,
all washed out with the tide, and sands
that soothes reality's embrace
reality now shows its face
to one who's blinded by the glare of years
The saddest sight of never seeing
thoughts of being, without being
within the loss of dreams, or dreaming
visions gleam, and nightmares streaming
all throughout the purple faded night
Leads me to the sacred mountain
climbing from the golden fountain,
though the thirst as yet un-quenched
and love and heart has been so wrenched
weary mind too weak to stand and fight

To meet my fate, that lies ahead
for one who's tattered soul lies dead
upon the rocks now fallen to
to Her, to she the calling's to
from I, the lost and dying, sees the One
The one who brought all things to be
now death can only bring to me
relief of all I've known as true
the truth of being one, not two
frightful, dreadful now is all existence
But exist as now I am
no love, but loneliness of man
to rise and fall, each step I take
reveals each new and cruel mistake
accept I must, I offer no resistance
Though to resist, may live again
to feel a heartbeat once, and then
find myself again downhearted
dearly loved, and dear departed
Impossible to live in agony
Pain born deep in dark regret
Far too long to now forget
Phrases said in love, and kind
sentiment now left behind
left behind what once I knew as me
Where does despairs headstone lie
I know not me, I am not I
without the Lovely only one
that sees me now, the lonely one
time and circumstance will turn, and bend
So that now, once closely guarded
love has died, love I had started
thinking that forever found me
now the never flashes 'round me
and as such, it leaves these rhymes to send
For the Lovely only one
I, the lost and lonely one
Now my days, days almost done
Leaving me to run
run to my end....

Dean Evans
9-29-09

Awakened in the early morning,
Lightnings flash, and thunder's warning
Watched did I the dreadful storming
Right outside my window frame
All the night the raging howling wind
There at my doorstep growling
Ghastly, and unearthly scowling
Right outside my window frame

And the wind cried out her name...

Now my mind in torment grieving
Leaves my senses unbelieving
To the vision that lies seething
Shone upon my window frame
For the one who would not love me
She, who thought herself above me
And now the one who cries, she loves me
Just outside my window frame
I leap awake , and cry her name...

This dream I dream most sure will leave me
No longer in the night to grieve me
Like a burglar to thieve me
So that heartache will remain
Surely mornings light awaits me
Dawn will break the night, and save me
She could surely not so, hate me
And inflict such heartless pain

Now she screams again she loves me
Dawns warm light no where above me
Only heartaches tight grip of me
Keeps me gazing through the pane
If I'd awake I'd soon forget her
Not to love her not to let her
Fill my nights with cold regret for
One who's love I can't retain

But each night the dreams continue
Always playing the same venue
Right outside my bedroom window
Will it ever slow the rain?
And if I , condemned to live it
Does thus evening rise to give it
Reason to return , revisit
Horror to my window frame?

Someone help me with this seeming
Endless dream that I am dreaming
Stop the nightly visions streaming
All across my window frame
Make my mind wake up, forget
Free my soul of harsh regret
And let not nightmares thus upset
This placid little window frame

And remember not, her name....

Let the mornings dawn shine bright
And swallow visions of the night
Let day bring me back to me, my sight
To see the truth that lights the frame
That demons of the night can't stay there
That my sorrow doesn't play there
Waiting for the night to say where
Horror can invade, and gain

Morning wakes me up to see
With daylights cruel reality
That hits with such finality
Lighting up the window frame
That things are worse than nightmare scenes
And visions in the window seem
To bring me things the day can't bring
With thunders roar, and lightnings reign

I need to see her standing there
Her shining eyes, her flowing hair
Things that nightmares have to share
With me, outside my window frame
And so, I long for night to blind me
Relaxation to unwind me
Into sleep , that soon will find me
Calling out my lost loves name

Hoping that her face appears there
Ocean eyes, drown all my fears there
Causing me to stop, and peer there
Deep into the window pane
Morning holds no choice for me
Night is all I seek to see
I pray to horror , "Comfort me"
Let daylight not invade my pain

Let the peace of nightmares streaming
Images of heartache screaming
Give to me, the endless seeming
Hope of days remit, from pain
And let the daylight not torment me
Let my dreaming circumvent the
Torture, of the kind that sent me
Into nights of thoughts insane

Let me sink into my vision
Filled with certain indecision
And my world as seen from prison
Play outside my window frame
So that I , will not awaken
To a love so lost, forsaken
And to find my nightmare's taken
By the brightly lighted frame

Patiently, I wait the evening
Eagerly I crave the grieving
Heartache, in itself relieving
Do you say that I'm insane?...

And the wind cried out her name.......

Dean Evans
12-05-04

Darkest of the dark alone, out on this forest floor
I won’t be home for supper late next evening,  that's for sure
The darkest shadows hide me, like my daddy said they could
And the Moon will then confide in me…
shine red, the arrowwood
"Far an' away" he told me then, now I’ve been gone so long
“You must avenge you're sister, this job is yours my only son, ”
I went right through the garden, with the last cold dreadful package
No one saw me leave, I hope there’s no blood on the cabbage…

Deep inside this endless night I travel in his stead
These hills and hollows cold and damp, I find no place
to lie my head
Into unbroken forest, too far gone and past my dread unknowns
To places no one’s ever been, I dissipate their sinful bones
It’s come to me, to be the one to file back the wasted years
My daddy much too sick to finish drying all my Mothers tears
I don’t know if I took their souls, or the other way around
But I left them there, out far somewhere below that dark
and ****** ground

I don’t remember even now, how long ago it started
I dwell inside these nightmares, the daylight disregarded
But I can still recall my baby sister, Bernadine
But not too much before those boys came and took her,
sight unseen
It was Nathan Sills my daddy said, but he also knew the cousins
The Gentry boys were there that night, I’ve heard it said in sad discussions
They drug her through the garden in the rain, so told the adage
Her dolly Maggie on the ground, her blood was on the cabbage

Thunder echoes through the mist, I think back once again
That night, the weather heard the cries of leafless branches...winter wren
So wet and cold... poor little thing, she had to be so scared
The rain, it holds no solace for a heart now broken...
so impaired
I have to sleep, so far I’ve gone...the fog impedes direction
Insanity imposed my mind, to give these demons cruel reflection
Think now, what would daddy say…It’s blood for blood,
and goods...
“So leave those boys scattered to the dark Kentucky woods”

Each one was carefully proposed and daddy told me how
Those men had lied to everyone, the truth was left quite disavowed
So he and I devised the plan, revenge, to leave them in those hills
The Gentry boys and they're older cousin, William Nathan Sills
To try and right the wrong inflicted, and ease my Mother’s pain
From the night when Bernadine was gone...
within the midnight rain
So lost and long ago in years my troubled heart finds no solution
I feel I must defend her soul, and so then meet my own conclusion

I've come to realize that it is I, who now has so been ******
But I followed daddy's orders, I killed them and I understand
These things come back to haunt me in my waking hours, to why
Those boys had begged so hard to live, all knowing they would surely die
My mind has wandered, I look up and see the cabin there
My Mother’s grief seen through the window, gray has stained her hair
I turn toward the door then stop, and step back silently
The dogs of hell expect me now, I suppose they wait ...
impatiently

And so I'll sneak away again, my parents old, and left alone
I leave them to their grieving, and so I leave my only home
To fade into concealing night, I invisible, unseen
Perhaps one day I'll meet again, my baby sister Bernadine
I now exist in isolate, apart from all those worldly things
It's time for me to find out what eternity can finally bring
But I'll be there from time to time, my essence will remain intact
To guard against the spirits that may come within the darkest black

The shadows come to hide me now, just like my daddy said
Though now the Moon refuses to reflect the arrowwood in red
I can hear the crying of my Mother, drifting through the oaks
Mother being Christian she don’t hold with the sin of killin’ folks
So how could I have gone inside?...these things
I’ve done, immoral
While Nathan and those Gentry boys lie dead and cold…
in mountain laurel
So now I’ll slip back through the garden, unobserved in passage
And as I go I’ll look again...no blood there...
on the cabbage…

Mother wouldn't want that…

Dean Evans
9-21-14

Those things I bid for in my youth, have faded in the mist
Of clouded thought and cursed desire, where dreams cannot exist
Desolated time, sorrow speaks to me, concise
My heart shows no remorse for me, and has offered no advice
Depressed though as I am, I must greet another day
The wind was seen to blow the fragile Autumn leaves away
I watch each one descend, only to mix with the debris
Of memories, and what was lost, no dreams are left...
for me

Nothing there within my heart to soften nights insane
To so relieve my helpless mind and quell these thoughts, mundane
But once the endless night begins, it’s then that I forego
And sink into this hopeless view, the lowest of the low
I awake to yet another clear and blue, but darkened dawn
Unable to recall those things my dreams relied upon
Afraid to close my eyes and see the darkness that awaits
My dreams were much too small you see,
arriving much too late

I’ve gotten fairly good, at somehow getting through the days
No aspiration there beheld, to change things anyway
Another night envelopes me, and so as such I lie
An emptiness beside me, no more dreams of you and I
It came as no surprise I guess, this lack of emulation
Too long alone... but I suppose if dreams were my salvation
I’d find a way to thus allow these things into my mind
Perhaps, and give myself a dream... to gently there unwind

I think that now I’ve seen the things, that loneliness provides
It’s shown to me there... in my heart, my imperfection lies
And with heartless execution throws my soul out, to the cold
Now hopeless has it’s way.. with all that hope had once controlled
The daily tears will once again continue, with the night
Although I’ve lost the reasons for them, sad but this is right
Another sunset rises, to enforce it’s sad decree
No stars again...nothing within…
No dreams are left for me.

Dean Evans
11-18-14

When I sleep I dream of you
And when the dawn hides dreams from view
I sit and wonder, ponder what is right...
Are you but visions brought to me
Do lies invade these dreams I see
Could you be only thoughts that haunt my night

If that holds true then I, insane
To dream these dreams of you again
Then wake to one more lonely bright blue sky
Now, all I wish is soft repose
The moment close, though I suppose
My fate was lost in long ago and why

Why, and how is love a dream
My thought so clear, or so it seems
But sunshine steals from me love’s warm embrace
I long for evening to unwind me
So my dreams again may find me
Locked within your arms and saving grace

I’ll look for you tonight my love
And be the willing victim of
A love I lost so many years ago
But I’ll come by, to visit you
The sunshine fresh, the day anew
Then leave my tears and flowers, when I go

To travel through my lonesome days
That cause these tears to stain my face
And choose my flowers carefully each time
Then back into my bed, I'm home
Your memory there, I’m not alone
We’ll sleep together,
adrift.. in heart and mind

Dean Evans
4-13-11

Time has slipped away, perhaps passing me in sleep
Torn pictures, faded memories and this mirror makes me weep
I gaze into my eyes, and all the years stare back unkind
The smiles have turned to hardened cries, that linger in my mind
Times lost far in memory now, no thinking them to dreams
The days run into one somehow, my time too short it seems
The happiness remembered, has now sadness in it's wake
As children we pretended, as adults it's all too late

Everything is... "used to be"... all is would've been
Nightmares come in view for me, to show what could have been
But time is such a fluid thing that pours like summer rain
It's memories, at times still sing their songs of love...
and pain
But don't think I regret my time, for that will not be true
It's only that it hurts my mind, the times not spent with you
I have no answers, no way back, to change sorrows decree
The knowledge I suppose I lack, lies waiting there for me

Time has slipped away you see, though there are hopes I keep
That you are well and think of me, that I am in your sleep
The years that you had been my love, still smiling back at me
From just that one old photograph, and remembrance of " we"...
See, you and I once were, and always will be in my dreams,
But time demands its cruel wage, emotion trapped there...
in between
I've known or thought I'd known for years, what fortune was to come
The winds of change have blown you see,
the crying has been done

Yes, time will slip away again, but I've no need to weep
The mirror shows me weary eyes, so I must try to sleep
And moments slip away... no matter now, the time is gone
This life I've lived too long I guess, too long the setting sun
But worry not for me my child, I've loved you all the while
Your ways were always calm and mild, your brightness was your smile
But looking in this frame the image chases me, so why
Does life play out it's ugly game,
as time has passed me by

Dean Evans
a long time a go in a galaxy far far away

April was a lovely girl, her warmth was in her eyes
And she and I would walk within the bright of Autumn skies
Too short our time together and what time consisted of
I knew her well, the shadows fell
You see, April was my love...

A young man then, and I knew all those things a young man knows
But somehow lost it all with age, I guess that's how it goes
But April understood and with time revealed to me
Reflection... my direction
And what April was to be...

She became to me.. the way to love's soothing caress
The answers to my questions, life and love were met with yes
All that April showed to me my heart still now believes
Now in her place, this empty space
April love, my heart still grieves...

Our time together had the look, of forever on it's face
The hands of time stood still for us, in arm, and sweet embrace
But it was not to be for us, nor I to hear the sound
But she was singing, bells were ringing
As she felt the darkened ground...

Too soon my April left me to some higher plane I'm sure
To wait for me to come someday, and reminisce with her
To tell me why each tear was lost, each April that I cried,
Love turned to loss, beside the cross
When my April died...

Winter's breath blows hard upon her memory now
But I remember April, springtime love and lifetime vow
Sometimes I can feel her touch, and feel the gentle breeze
The days and nights, the wrongs the rights
There are many thoughts of these...

Many years ago now, April's love had held my heart
Too many days, and nights spent now without, but not apart
And I would trade my today's, for yesterday to be
With April once again, just now and then
April was my love, you see?.......

Dean Evans
2-14-14

I can't seem to sleep these days
Relaxation gone
Stripped of all I've known
Wasted years, no reason for heartless scenes they've shown...

I can't think how, or why
Youth was lost in time
Lost in heart and mind
Such precision indecision, confusion kills you from behind...

I won't be the one who stops
Wishing you were near
To dry your last sad tear
Bring happiness back into your life, and leave behind the fear...

I cannot forget your pain
Your life turned to the street
To take from me the sweet
And loving words I used to hear that now are quiet....
Incomplete...

I won't be the one who goes
Leaving you alone
That ringing of the phone
Cries out to me in tearful pleas, to help the wounded home...

And cries for help I know
Wont give us back the peace
We've lost life's fragile ease
But the life you dreamed of long ago is still within your reach...

We have to go through this
What life has brought to us
Strength you'll see will rush
Across our lives and make the time apart flash by, and thus...

Relieve our tortured minds
Give back to us what's real
To us, God will reveal
The things about our lives we had forgotten how to FEEL...

You must try, stay strong
And weakness I can't show
I'm weak, but you don't know
I've heard my steps, lost in the night, I hope it doesn't show...

You will be alright in time
Desperation goes
Life's blood will always flow
Between my heart and yours to reach down deep into your soul...

This nightmare will be gone
The time will pass you'll see
And days to come will be
The best days of your life ahead will finally set you free...

I'll be waiting silently
Stand in morning air
Notice I am standing where
I stood when we had said goodbye, in the sadness that we shared...

So think of me, my love
On an old and dusty street
Words of love we can't repeat
That still I hear, now far along the path to,
Incomplete.

Dean Evans
12-20-07

I've searched inside this rhyme of mine
And thought about the time, and kind
Of questions I would ask you, if I could
Researched my reflection there
Alone with just my mirror here
Directions that I’ve gone, or feel I should
No way that I can decide how
To hold you, keep you near me now,
And let you hear what I need you to hear
Though nothing comes into my thought
This poem, nothing to you brought
I see the empty, lost and lonesome years
But a poet must release the pain
As clouds relinquish summer rain
And so I sit here drowning in the storm
To tell you don't leave me alone
I know you won't pick up the phone
To offer shelter in, and keep me warm
To save my cold, and naked heart
And have it beat, to make it start
To live again, which only you can do
I die a little more each day,
It breaks my brittle soul away
That falls in pieces, to the floor for you
These lines of love, too late I write
My eyes too weary from the sight
Of empty pages, filled with empty word
I've dropped my pen, turned out the lamp
I've stopped, but when will dark and damp
Consume me, and the things my mind has heard
No use, I now have self been told
The fuse now lit, the match I hold
And time for me, is burning to my end
To burn this pain inside my head,
And yearn for rain, the storm now dead
My rhyme you see, I now can’t even send
Afraid my word, unread will stay
And go unseen, eyes look away
Crumpled, thrown out, tossed with all the rest
Dismembered by receiving hand
Remembered, but as grains of sand
Too small to place the pieces back to one
I know it's all been said before
It lies in bits upon my floor
And swept out with the dust, that was our love
I'll go, not call, not write and again
If only all was right, ah.. then
I’d see the love we once held high above
Held above the now that is
The love now gone, and how I miss
The way we used to be, but now is lost
Still these things trapped in my mind
Reveal those things that bring this rhyme
Reveals my broken heart, and what it's cost
I know my last verse penned to you
Won't show the sorrow coming through
This poem that I write, won't reach you now
The lines are lost, pen gone to me
Love lies dead in the debris
I know I must survive the pain...but how
And all it is, is how I feel
So small is this, to what is real
It keeps me here, to what I know is gone
Gone for you and I, as well
No word will do but I can't tell
I realize I tend to ramble on
Parted now, once intertwined
Insanity, within my mind
Alone within my shattered nightmare dreams
Too swiftly passed to comprehend
Unredeemed to my sad end
This poets words are tattered now, it seems
Incapable, to even stop
My grieving pen that now I drop
To bleed the ink as blood, upon my floor
As broken heart now bleeds for you
And taking all I need, or do
To crush me, rush me, I can take no more
No more the dark and endless night
Where happiness is locked down tight
My eyes reflecting backward just to see
Lonesome, lost inside my page
My final rest I'll know with age
And the sad goodbyes, a poet left to me

Dean Evans
7-18-08

I awoke to find myself alone, no words of sad farewell
The window offered nothing but the dawn
The sun had risen barren of the future, to foretell
To leave my heart exclusively withdrawn
Although I can recall when adoration was declared
When you and I had known loves sweet reply
But now, it seems the feelings have been suddenly impaired
As we have been deserted, Heart and I

I rise to the uncertainty, of what life has related
The antithesis of what I’d hoped would be
The echo of your memories continue, unabated
Within their solitary repartee
I seem to be a man who has lost the understanding
Of how and why love sadly went astray
Perhaps it just became for you, that love was too demanding
With what diminished years were to portray

Years that once unfurled for us in youth, and warm embrace
Times that now have left us far behind
I try hard to remember the sweet smile upon your face
So far my tattered memory has declined
I don’t know what we could’ve done, to rescue loves elation
I can’t recall things said, or left unsaid
And nightly dreams of you cannot offer me salvation
They only overwhelm me in my bed

I question whether things I said gave rise to your departure
I’ve searched my mind to what I may have done
Tough I have thus allowed my heart to be sadly, the martyr
In this viscous game that now has seen you gone
I wonder, what will now become of loves kind resolution
Could I, can I know the reasons why
That sorrow now has come to me, with savage execution
To leave us here alone,
My Heart and I...

Dean Evans
5-26-14

It’s four a.m. and once again I find I cannot sleep
Peace of mind eludes me as I chase
I cannot comprehend the many reasons that I weep
And in my mind the thoughts of love and life have been erased
The endless night where I reside, holds no remorse for me
No compunction for the one confined
While I languish for the dawn, I am found the absentee
And to the dark and empty insane thought, I am assigned

It seems I am the Watchman, forgotten, lost to light
Incubus, subsisting in confusion
Uncultivated hope, to antagonize delight
Bewilderment in sorrow, and confounded in seclusion
Imprisoned to a life unknown, existence far surreal
I find no hope, no promise of the dawn
I wonder, could the morning sunlight emanate, reveal
Solution for my restless soul, in clouds of pink chiffon

If only for a moment, there within the morning sun
I may see her face, and love again
I would feel that I have hope of heartbreak seen undone
To live in joy, unrestrained by sorrow’s cruel campaign
For once life stretched out far ahead, I was free to love a girl
Though time has seen her slip away from me
And now I watch the night alone, colorless, the world
The darkness overwhelms the radiance, that used to be

And though my restless spirit finds me not in soft repose
I stand as sentinel, imagine what may come
Though through the misty memories my heart does not disclose
The reasons love was forced, and thus compelled now, to succumb
And so I must endure the black of night, uninterrupted
I yearn only for dawns warm light above
Although I fear there is no hope for love, sadly corrupted
The lost and lonely years that I became the victim of

Its four a.m. and once again...
I cannot sleep.

Dean Evans
5-27/28-14

In dreams I think about this life, and my place upon this Earth
The most part being heart and mind, and soul for what it’s worth
The cosmos stretches far above, although my eyes can see
These thoughts that haunt my mind at times extend out…
endlessly.

Mentation turns to destiny to what the future holds
And back again to legacy, and the gifts I feel I must bestow
Upon those left behind me, to instill within their minds
When finally the Universe and I are gently intertwined

To think that I may one day see my spirit thus transversed
Against the awesome paradise where God and I, softly converse
To witness what this life has shown, that now is torn apart
Beguile anguished felicity, and so appease my tattered heart.

Although my hope remains suspect, that somehow hopeless dies
Far too many questions, too few answers to where comfort lies
Though I suppose simplicity awaits the ones who grieve
Patiently anticipating those who seek to so believe.

It seems I have no hope of prolonged years in soft repose
My eyes must blink you see... but I have seen, and I suppose
That time is just a cruel mirage shimmering, as light
Then pulls away and so reveals the truth of things, there…
In the night.

But still I dream about this life, and what awaits us all
When time and understanding finds us lost, what will we recall?
About these moments spent together, so informally
Listen… to the sound,
and the Whispers of Eternity.

Dean Evans
6-28-14

It's pouring rain, and I can see the darkened clouds accrue
Each drop that falls upon my window seems to come right through
And so my eyes accede the skies, each tear a piece of you
They lie upon my floor in shallow pools, and sorrows hue
It's cold outside and windy so I stay in from the rains
But cannot take my eyes away from what I hope remains
Of love that died, as dark clouds came and left the sky so stained
Upon my whole existence, leaving nothing...
but the pain

The soaking weather seems to somehow keep me locked inside
But also locked inside my thoughts, where memories reside
I guess my mind and heart are now along, just for the ride
I dream about the days before the sky and I...
had cried
My window holds these drops of rain, hopeless to see through
Or is it just my eyes that cannot see, grieving for you
The storm has taken everything, the love that we once knew
And now the rain reminds me, I am here...
but not with you

Skies outside are cloudy, my mind clouded as well
No clearing of the sky, or inside this raining hell
I try to tell myself that it's alright, but I can't tell
The void I stand in leaves my heart a hollow,
weakened shell
And I have no delusions that my eyes will see the storm
Ever stop outside or in myself to calm, and warm
They say this is exception but for me, it is the norm
The rain, it holds no solace for the one who's suffered harm

It only seems to pour that much harder into me
And also pours back out of me, and on this page, you see
I'm sorry to put burdens on your mind, that you don't need
But words are all I have, to show you how that it can be
Like someone to confide in, a shelter from the cold
The wind, it blows my thoughts away, emotions growing old
Too long have I, fought the fight too hard the rain, too bold
With not a loving hand or heart that I can have, and hold

I guess I've said too much to you I'm sorry if I'm down
But minds that rain inside, they have a tendency to drown
Drown themselves in sorrow and regret, for what they've found
I sit and watch the rain in silence...
wind the only sound
Except the beating of my heart, with loneliness set free
And there... outside the window rains the bitterness I see
The one that's left behind is the one that cries, and seems to be
That rain is falling from the inside out,
coming from me

Dean Evans
8-26-14

Sitting here I thought I saw you walk into the room
I don’t think I looked up however, reclining in the gloom
I thought I heard the sound of voices, memories exhume
Lost within some late, late hour envisage I assume
I waited for the morning’s dawn, though it did not arrive
It seemed the sun had lost to darkness, how could this derive?...
I realize my thoughts may be untrue, but know that I’ve
Been searching for an answer, or a way just to survive

Survive the anguished thoughts that... had we spoken once again
And gave ourselves that chance to softly talk, perhaps explain
To possibly relieve or somehow stop the crushing pain
If only I could talk with you and reminisce, of then
Your voice is there within my mind, but silent is the sound
I take the car, and listen as I slowly drive around
Then think I hear your laughter as I pass old stomping grounds
The noise then fades into the night,
as the sun it has gone down

Your essence lingers in those places, that you always knew
I feel your presence here... within these thoughts that I now view
Eyes closed to the pool of tears, I have shed here two by two
And so I sit alone and try to dream of talks with you
It troubles me to think of things I may have left unsaid
I need the chance to tell you, all these things inside my head
I’ve written many words that lie in pieces, left unread
Swept out with my hopes, another sleepless night ahead

To sit here in the hopeless hours, and curse the endless night
But dread the dawn that never comes, it’s threat of blinding light
I close myself to all that may remind me, what is bright
It haunts and wounds my time, with no way to make things right
And so I linger in the realm of dreams, it’s nothing new
Attempting to escape the glare of truth, in shining blue
The sky holds no remorse for me, or what I may pursue
Like thoughts of conversation, one more chance to talk…
with you.

Dean Evans
10-21-14

Come dark of night, let not my eyes embrace the morning sun
To ease this pain of soul and heart, the crying has been done
Refuse my mind contentment, end my sorrow with this gun
These bullets all are friends of mine, but all I need is one
Midnight strike!... Release from me this tattered, torrid scene
With sound that no one hears, I fear the silence can't stay clean
Tears shall not impede the lead that passes in between
Take away this pain I feel, take all that I have seen

Life it seems has played it's cruel and vicious game with me
I, the loser, though I find my freedom isn't free
The wind of discontent has blown, I sail a restless sea
No calm that stops this storm of thought, that rages within me
No parting of the hopeless, dreadful, dark and swirling cloud
Deliver me!... Unshackle me!, I cry this phrase out loud
Don't let the morning find my life in loss of hope, and proud
My finger on death's trigger, squeeze it once and I am out

Out of time and far beyond, is where I travel to
All because this rage of mind, these lies becoming true
Open up the chamber, the end of me is passing through
Allow my bleeding, broken heart,to lie here torn in two
Don't ask me now, I have no answer why love went astray
I cannot comprehend within my mind, these things I say
Perhaps in future years to come you all will feel this way
To rock you right down to the ground, you'll know my thoughts that day

I'll leave this note here on my bed, not sent to anyone
Believing that this final night will not return to dawn
I hold the answer in my shaking hand, I hold my own
Gone the anguish, free of crying...Torment when I'm done...
Don't let your mind be troubled because of what I do
I think I even want to feel it, sad, but this is true
What is it now inside my mind this love of steel, and blue
I write my last three words to Her in blood
Signed....
I love you.

Dean Evans
4-21-2010

It seems my heart has crumbled, perhaps dissolving from within
I don’t know where I’m going, where I am, or where I’ve been
I think that life has passed me by, but only now and then
I grasp the needle, push, and I inject the void again
It seems that love has left me here, inside this cruel illusion
No word from you, no reason why, just adds to my confusion
I dream at night, and sometimes you are there in my delusion
I pray my heart to beat again, so far it is refusing

Its saddens me to think that it was I who caused your fall
The drugs take hold, my soul lets go, and I can see it all
Somewhere far into the distance, I can hear you call
Upright I sit, and toss my last desire against the wall
No one knows, and no one cares, as I sit here alone
Lost within my wasted years, and those that carry on
Trapped inside this nothingness, the life I knew is gone
The only hope I have, is not to view another dawn

The emptiness of what I am has shown me what is true
Inside my mind are nightmares, each night they come on cue
Names are upside down upon my wall, I don’t know who
As I pretend to live, I die, though I remember you
But night drags on and on, I drift in and out of sleep
I see your face and hear your voice, few memories I keep
No where do I find however, the quiet peace I seek
I close my eyes and once again, silently I weep.

Dean Evans
8-01-11