At times it seems to hard to go on living
Peace, and ease of thought have not yet found me
Sorrow pours, and the skies are unforgiving
Life rains, until I think that it might drown me

I've searched and searched for answers, but there are none
So where am I to turn for what I seek
The promise, and the hope I had, are long gone
What's left inside this shell of me is weak

I don't know how much longer faith can hold me
To arise and greet each day, and try again
Afraid that all this pain that tries so boldly
Will throw my naked soul out in the rain

No shelter from these random thoughts of leaving
That things would work out better, with me gone
But my old friend Guilt, keeps me believing
My death would only leave behind more harm

So I must travel on inside this nightmare
A terror worse because I'm not asleep
This mirror shows me nothing but a blank stare
I've found I've lost the will, to even weep

But crying hasn't solved these problems yet
It only leave the heart that cries, the sad one
It takes my thoughts but won't let me forget
I've tried to live a life, but I don't have one

And knowing the tormented mind won't rest
That empty thoughts and pain, still rule the day
The night allows no sleep, and seems to test
Is there Heaven?, is there God?
from hell I pray.

Dean Evans
4-24-2004

Old friends are gone and others leaving
I stay... attempt to comfort grieving
And think of times we laughed in jest
It seems I block out all the rest
The days spent, lost those joyous rare
And if I try to dream them there
It doesn't bring me heartless pain
That sudden consciousness again

Lucky to have known at all
Our seasons spent into the fall
The promise winter makes to me
Cold winds remind of "used to be"
The summer days we played our games
But now I go and read the names
Of friends who hold me in their dash
Dust to dust... Ash to ash...

For I must be upon this earth
To find those things, for what it's worth
I know there is a plan.. to be
That God has kept concealed from me
It's written on the wind, they say
Can I endure another day ?
The loneliness of days released
For friends, and friendship do not cease

I stand as windows sentry now
For someone stopping by, but how
I guess I'll have to go to them
The years shall pass.. I question when
When will God decide to take me
Not to leave me.. not forsake me..
In sorrow's cruel unhappiness
For all those lost, and it's loneliness

I'll ponder as the ages pass
Plant new flowers in the grass
And though I'll shed a million tears
I'll sit and wait throughout the years
I feel that I will be the last
Believing... dreaming of the past
But gifted, if I am... or cursed
I fear the years to come the worst

I've realized , I'll still be here
Hope lost in those final years
After all have gone to be
With Heaven that is kept...
from me
I may have only lost my way
Perhaps I've missed my fateful day
If death has called, I wasn't near
Now I stand throughout the years

But I am sure someday day , I'll go
Like all loved ones, and friends I know
He makes me wait and there is time
What's gone in me is lost,
in mind...
Immortal?.. no...I'll live my life
But see my children... friends,
my wife...
All leave this earth, before I do
That is my curse.. the loss,
of you..

But I must do, what I must do
Be there...
I'll catch up to you.........

Dean Evans
2-24-07
(REvised 8-29-14)

I’ve sat and thought about the things in life, that I’ve done wrong
The tears I've placed there in your eyes, the dreams that now are gone
I still recall the changing light, promises...
in the dawn
Now the years have passed us by, at times cruel sine qua non
Please do not believe that I’ve forgotten what was said
Those dreams we wished for in our youth, still trapped inside my head
Felicity, please understand, is in the lives that we have led
But I still hear the echoes of those lost and broken dreams, instead

Remembering that sunset, and those wispy angel clouds
The only sound the wind... and our hearts, away from city crowds
We knew back then the love we had, would never let us down
But the cool green leaves of Summer, have now sadly turned to brown
Those nights with you were then, and are the best times I have known
I live within those memories, for the winds of age have blown
I reap the painful harvest of the sorrow that I’ve grown
Can I repair your heart?, that remains in the unknown

Please do not misunderstand, I’ve loved you all this time
It’s just that I have thoughts that come to cloud my troubled mind
I’ve left too many words unsaid,
too many tears behind
And now the past is slowly creeping up on me, I find
To leave me here to live with all the pain I’ve put you through
As you must so endure, the self-reproach I’ve given you
I ask only forgiveness, I know the asking's overdue
My life is what it is,
but it’s nothing without you…

Dean Evans
12-12-14
For C.

It seems I’ve used up all my words... these so called tools of mine
To allow you exploration deep inside my heart,
within my mind
These pages lie in solitude, in darkened boxes...
left behind
Possibly to be discovered, senescent....
and there unsigned
Someday perhaps, some years from now my words are found... austere
Their meanings undefined, and so sadly...
feelings disappear
Can words on paper hold, what even now seems clouded...
so unclear?
The thoughts of one as me, who only sought...
to leave some comfort here

These pages now have seen another dark December…
come and gone
And so another year has passed, to leave my words...
therein withdrawn
Condemned to sad obscurity, endless evening...
endless dawn
To lie there unobserved, another tired...
ragged vagabond

They fill these dusty passe drawers,
my pages disregarded...lost
All of what I’ve written, so much time and effort...
God the cost
The nights spent lost in cold regret, for the frozen lines...
that I have crossed
I watch as now, upon my heart there lies a cutting...
bitter frost
The emptiness of thoughts unread, to fade...
throughout the ages
Ravaged by the hands of time, yellowed...
torn and tattered edges
Please believe me when I say, It’s cost me sorrows
cruel wages
These unseen words of mine, that lie dead and silent on…
The Pages.

Dean Evans
1-08-15

The old man told his story, lost within his troubled youth
His words quite labored, heavy... his raspy voice by now uncouth
At times mixing the conversation with gin and ice, and sweet vermouth
His eyes were clear however, and I saw therein...
a quiet truth
He talked of her at length, his thoughts concise,
composed... serene
At times he’d pause, efface another silent tear he’d wished unseen
His dreams would countermand the years... love and youth,
would reconvene
She’s waiting there for him you see… The girl with eyes,
of Paris green

Some had said her ways unsound, disposition... introject
He said she knew the rumors, and she thought them all quite innocent
He told of how she’d laughed at them… of narrow minds,
and intellect
He found in her the love he’d sought, although his hope remained suspect
He looked into her eyes, and saw the faintest touch of sorrow there
Shining through the gentle mist, and the eglantine within her hair
He felt somehow her pain, although she’d kept it obscure...
nom de guerre
And so his own mistakes were viewed, in Paris green...
and sad despair

Their time together thus unfurled within this anguished declamation
Of years now spent in solitude, with lost and lonesome lamentation
For one whose essence still bestows upon his dreams, in meditation
Aspirations there arise, to leave his heart in desperation
His thoughts remained unchanged, unbroken...
memories demure
He stood to mix another drink, then paused...perhaps his mind unsure
Gathering his memories, so past and present touch... concur
And then continued once again, his sad and doleful dream of her

I listened there, throughout the night... I lie in sedentary pose
Then as I fall asleep I see the here and now,
and then... transpose
I see myself in dreams with her, but why? my heart has not disclosed
I'm lost within some late, late hour envisage... or so I suppose
I then awake alone, to find my thoughts of her and then, no clearer
The snow outside my window cannot bring her memory nearer
Though I can dream of Paris green, and all those places, so familiar
Tonight I'll listen once again, and tell my story..
to the mirror

Dean Evans
1-06-15

Desolate is the heart, which is forced to cry alone
Determined is the heart that yearns for love
Fractured is the heart, that is left upon it’s own
All of these, the heart is victim of
Homeless is the heart that must beat, for lasting peace
Jingoist, the heart that covets war
Abashed the heart, that remembers not, life’s fragile ease
All of this the heart endures, and more

Callous is the heart, that has known the pain of loss
Wretched is the heart, that’s given in
Wayward is the heart, that knows not, the fight for cause
All of these the heart is, now and then
Defenseless is the heart that beats for one, and always will
Blinded is the heart that looks away
Fortuitous the heart, that will love your heart until
The Sun is gone, and light has lost the day

Gone astray, the heart that has lost God’s soothing grace
Freed, the heart that calls on Him, divine
Consumed, the heart within, that has longed to see your face
Ravished is the heart, that calls you mine
I think you’ve realized it is my heart, I speak of
Nurturing the heart, that dries my tears
Enduring is the heart, that beats for just your love
Eternally the heart,
eternal years.

Dean Evans
10-05-13

Sometimes in the early morning, rising from my bed
I hear a distant, silent sound, a voice inside my head
But wake to empty rooms again, and loneliness instead
I know the echoes in my mind, are things that you have said...
I have a sense of years ago, but know those years are gone
Remembering the things we shared, and all the things we’ve done
The dreams begin at night, but in the morning I’m alone
Another piece within sorrow’s collection, that I own...

And though I seek relief from this, to ease the mental strain
Each morning finds me waiting here, a prisoner to the pain
So on I travel through my days, till evening comes again
No one sees the tears I shed, released within the rain...
Now and then I wake to unheard voices in my head
Lying in the changing light uneasy in my bed
It feels like rain again, although the sky is blue instead
The memories that come back to me,
Are things that you have said  

Dean Evans...
11-13-13