It seems my heart has crumbled, perhaps dissolving from within
I don’t know where I’m going, where I am, or where I’ve been
I think that life has passed me by, but only now and then
I grasp the needle, push, and I inject the void again
It seems that love has left me here, inside this cruel illusion
No word from you, no reason why, just adds to my confusion
I dream at night, and sometimes you are there in my delusion
I pray my heart to beat again, so far it is refusing

Its saddens me to think that it was I who caused your fall
The drugs take hold, my soul lets go, and I can see it all
Somewhere far into the distance, I can hear you call
Upright I sit, and toss my last desire against the wall
No one knows, and no one cares, as I sit here alone
Lost within my wasted years, and those that carry on
Trapped inside this nothingness, the life I knew is gone
The only hope I have, is not to view another dawn

The emptiness of what I am has shown me what is true
Inside my mind are nightmares, each night they come on cue
Names are upside down upon my wall, I don’t know who
As I pretend to live, I die, though I remember you
But night drags on and on, I drift in and out of sleep
I see your face and hear your voice, few memories I keep
No where do I find however, the quiet peace I seek
I close my eyes and once again, silently I weep.

Dean Evans
8-01-11

It’s difficult to understand these feelings that I get
Things I said or left unsaid lie undisturbed, in cold regret
To leave me here, and from all sides my raddled soul is now beset
I pray my heart to beat again, my heart has not responded yet
It seems somewhere along the way, that life has lost it’s fragile ease
Though I have not lost hope of love, do not misunderstand me please
Dreams of realization come at times and I have thoughts of these
To wonder if I’m standing, then I look to find I’m on my knees

I pray the stars to have no hope of everlasting light
And sorrow fail to shine on me, there in the ivory blackened night
And so I close my eyes to all those things reminding me of bright
The Autumn leaves have blown away, The world is left in black and white
I grieve for all the dear departed, and the days we knew so well
Their lives erstwhile so close to mine, that time has sadly now dispelled
Perhaps one day these memories I view shall come to thus foretell
That we shall meet again and know, there is no bittersweet farewell

The years unfurl beneath my feet, the Earth revolves again
Each star that passes overhead pursues joyous legerdemain
Could some portion of my happiness, when all is said and done remain?
I awake beside my fire to the silent sounds, and speak your name
Dreams however cannot hide the truth of things that we have missed
The colors of my youth have faded, and as such they can’t exist
Within the torn and tortured realm that reality insists
Until the time when you and I, and God can softly reminisce

Dean Evans
9-12-15
2014

I spent today in tears and anguish, grieving for the night
Crying for the dreams that I have left there in my flight
Running from those thoughts that I have witnessed, second sight
I cannot now escape, although I try with all my might
I know that with the sun, that I must bid my dreams adieu
Now unrecalled in memory, this translunary view
To leave therein dementia.. felicity askew
I wonder, could my incubus derive from thoughts of you

The morning finds me quite disturbed, normality withdrawn
Each evening sees me back again the dreams go on.. and on
Unable to however, see enigma denouement
These cherubs in the darkness, come as demons with the dawn
It leaves me to myself, and to my tears when I’m awake
Could it be that only in the night, my hope opaque?
If so then I must question, if I sleep what is at stake
I cannot comprehend uncounted reasons.. that I shake

My children come inside to smiles and laughter on their day
Then back outside beneath the blue umbrella sky, to play
Their innocence, once again will serve to so allay
These bitter tears unnoticed, as I wipe each one away
Photographs stare back at me, to further my confusion
At times they seem to speak to me, an optical illusion
But, if I should remove them, could it cause sorrows preclusion?
And so prevent these dreams, and offer love some restitution

And so repay a debt or two incurred there in the night
Relieving some small portion of the pain I here, recite
Reveal to me within my dreams, that shining silver light
Then and only then perhaps, my love and I..
shall reunite
But til then I guess I am a victim, set upon
By what my mind has shown me, and by what will carry on
And hope my dreams release me in the morning, to be gone
For angels in the dead of night are demons..
with the dawn.

Dean Evans
9-30-14

Sitting here, surrounded by these pictures on a wall
The images, just moments trapped in time
The faces seem to speak to me, and I can hear them all
Perhaps it’s just a dream, though they linger in my mind.
The doors are closed, I stay apart, the shades are pulled down low
I listen to them call from deep inside
The frozen half smiles worry me, but nowhere do I go
So here above my lamp, with my desire, I reside.

Somewhere deep within my lost, and lonely memories
Faded black and white my world became
I, am locked inside with these companions that I see
Each kept behind a shining silver frame.
Protected from the ravages of age, they seem to hide
But I, have not the hope of prolonged years
Seasons wax and wain, although I cannot peer outside
Hearing voices no one else but I, am there to hear.

At times, I long to drift to sleep, stay lost within my dreams
Awake, I find the faces watching me
I’ve tried to run, although I have no place to run it seems
The voices call to distant places, I can’t be.
For years these things have been, and will be part of my existence
I pray someday the lamp will lose it’s light
For now I must endure my fate, at times unfelt insistence
I long for only sunset, and the dark, embracing night.

Within this empty room, it seems I’m lost among the crowd
Just another face, that prays for peace
The lamp too dim but far too bright, the silence much too loud
They look into my soul, I’m strangely ill at ease.
How long will these eyes remain there, never blinking?
How many years have I been here, and how
When will loss of light and time, relieve this dreadful thinking
That I do not participate, within the here and now.

I feel that time has ceased for me, that I do not exist
I see they’re eyes, though can’t recall the names
When will all my fears subside, to take me from all this
And if they do, what part of me if any, will remain?
My story is a tale of woe, a clouded, desperate vision
The fear of never being real, at all
I’m trapped within my silver frame, with certain indecision
For you see my friends, I too, am but a picture on the wall.

Dean Evans
5-25-14

On a bitter cold but clear, and dark December night
I rose my eyes into the stars, they offered soothing light
Not even was I hopeful, to witness mornings bright
But I saw you in the clouds of dawn, and it took away my sight
What was there, was it just a dream across my mind
Was I in a twi-light sleep, within the realm of time
Perhaps some sort of vision sent from God, with grace divine
Though none of these describe your face there, witnessed, so sublime

I sat transfixed, and watched you, as you slowly smiled at me
I felt that you could feel the pain, alone has come to be
Without you here I find my essence changed to some degree
The love within your eyes is something I did not foresee
Within the early morning mist, I dreamed that you were there
No others eyes could look through me, no other could compare
Then as the changing clouds appeared I saw us standing where,
In gentle warm embrace I ran my fingers through your hair

You must please understand that I have not the hope of years
Required to repair my heart, to dry a million tears
But here within the clouds of dawn, my sadness disappears
As you and I stand heart to heart, and nothing interferes
Except perhaps the rising sun that brightens sky, and day
Or winds of sorrow that may blow the morning fog away
Not to see the clouds again, and witness their display
To leave me here alone once more, much to my dismay

And live within the bitter cold of lost, and past regret
Just another Winter night of wine, and cigarette
Nothing in the starlight, save the haunting silhouette
Of one who’s love is lost to me, though I cannot forget
To dream of you once and again, in skies of pink chiffon
The only thing I wish these weary eyes to look upon
If only lonesome heart agrees to patiently hold on
I’ll see you smile at me again,
within the clouds of dawn...

Dean Evans
4-26-14

Time cannot be understood in human terms you see
The Universe explains itself, though not to you and me
Far out in the starlight lies an answer to it all
What have I done, where would I run, and hope to feel this small
For time does not consist of moments, seconds, days and years
You’ll find out in the distance, that your sorrow disappears
For we are made of starlight anyway, the story goes
Does time even exist at all?... The Heavens wont disclose

Look into the night, and you begin to travel back
Far into the past, deep in the skies of ivory black
Can you hear the ancient echoes ringing in your ears
You travel now in spacetime, collecting souvenirs
What if all things happen in a instant?...future, past...
Your then is now, but now is then your shadow now uncast
What would be your thoughts on Heaven , hell and earth as well
What would be inside my heart if true?... I just can’t tell

Everything you’ve ever known is waiting for you there
Though few you’ll find the answers to the Cosmos’ questionnaire
Ancient echoes lead you now to worlds lost long ago
Yours as well is gone lost far behind you, apropos...
Time is but a man made thing, a measure of duration
It’s concept loses meaning with the awesome presentation
The Universe may keeps it’s secrets, lost to you and I
But I can hear the ancient echoes,
in ivory blackened sky...

Dean Evans
5-2-14

My love, I take pen in hand with no hope of reaching you, no hope of hearing a return word or knowing what fate may have befallen you. It is only my belief that you are somewhere thinking of me that keeps me from the brink of the dreadful abyss that I now find myself staring into. I pray that you are well, although it has been so long since last you have written, I spend my nights wondering, have you forgotten me, or has someone else taken my memory from your heart.

A thousand terrible miles I have traveled in one place, waiting since the day you left, my vow unbroken, my love for you greater than when I last kissed your lips, my heart still beating for your safe return. My existence here has been one of desperation, desperate that your last words to me remain true, and that tomorrow you will return to me, to fill this emptiness that lies beside me each night. Deep within every cloud that passes overhead, I see your face, The music of your voice in every breeze that wanders through another season, without you.

I fear that God is becoming weary of my prayers for your return, and that someday soon, I will be alone with my desire. I am unable to come to terms with the fact that I may never again hold you in my arms, kiss your lips, or feel your love for me, and so I cling to this, as I cling to our last night together, and the words that still echo in the starlight, so far above me,
as you are so far away.
I reach for tomorrow, but am chained to the past, although I can see nothing in either direction, except your memory.

I leave this letter, once again your devoted, but with the fear that it is written as a message in a bottle,to float upon the ocean of loneliness that drowns my hope a little more each day that you are gone.

Return to me my love, if these words, I am fortunate enough to have delivered to you
Remember me, if I am worthy of your memory, and know that I am here as I said I would be, always, lost without you, and forever in dreams of you.

With all my love and all my heart I send this to you in the hope that it will find you well,
F.

Dean Evans
(sometime in the early 2000's)