don't ask me how i am i don't like that ******* question
you wouldn't know what to answer, you'll think its an aggression
i know its easier to just say fine, i never learn my lesson
if i could skip out on all the small talk, that would be a ******* blessing

seventeen to eighteen weeks, i slip again into depression
stupid hard to even talk about, too hard to even mention
watch me sleep for thirty weeks, in an attempt to kick the tension
once again all in my head, a maze made of perception

staring into the ******* mirror, and i don't see my own reflection
these fractals all over my face, span out into sucession
if we go back to two years ago, would you call that a regression?
he asked for *** then ghosted, i lost all of my affection

was that last line a confession? i was supposed to keep discretion
what with him having a girl for three years at the time of the "exception"
phoning me after months of silence to set up a ******* session
maniac depressed and taking pills, does that worsen the transgression

did you know i wouldn't refuse and in fact wouldn't even question?
well they seem  pretty happy now, they can have my ******* blessing
ask for *** then ghost me, after twelve years of ******* friendship
everything is dancing and i dip my ******* pen tip

i don't have much of an incentive, to be ******* inauthentic
mostly i'm just trynna cope, so i segment it and dissect it
to trace over the wound, twelve years of something friendship
all things must end and die, i don't presume to prevent it

existence goes from point a to point be,
point a is a darkness, and vast like the sea,
we manifest in the darkness, a frantic plea,
the moment i died i was glad to be me
     surrender last breath, no resistance, no pause
happy to go because i was happy i was
whatever i was, collapses, four walls
i howl in the dark it tears from my jaw
    
     collapse on the ground from euphoria, pain
gawk from outside of myself, dissect my own brain
what does this body, this vessel contain
drift aimless in absurdity, i die death by rain
     this water wont let me breathe, breath is inane
faces with the eyes rolled back, their laughter insane
i'll tell you what the joke is now, gather myself up and explain
108 billion *******, we all live and die the same

      and i get too anxious at night, i feel the blood neck in my veins
feeling like a ******* ball of meat, an animal again
i'm an animal again, frantic, erratic inhumane
if i let the fear go to my belly, it will give me a migraine
      in the empty room, i let go, all emotion is mundane
just chemicals in my brain, just compounds all in vain
if an answer could be found, inward bound and arcane
no trite ****, acknowledge all and every is profane
    
       comfort is a falsehood, a funny jest to entertain
existence is disquieting, a real ***** to explain
language is a funny string, language is a cage
language is my favorite toy, keeps my lil brain engaged
       i like to move furniture around, i like to rearrange
stare back into the mirror, watch my skin drip, i have aged
it frightened me so much i learned to laugh right to my face
i order my books by color, i make myself laugh on a page
    
     the only thing that matters as i dream away the days
the blunt force of my human will,the impulse to create
     it fills me with an unknown light, it filters all my rage
organize and reassemble, acceptance, no afraid
am i letting all control go is this ***** breaking the chain
least until i wake again, step outside another cave

tonight's the night, i learn to fly
     in dreamful sleep, awake - alive
   with purpose set, in my mind's eye
      in little death, i taste the sky

              pictures float, they hurry by
            to barely grasp, a whisper sighs
           my breath is mine, but "what" am "i"?
                      the universe, it dreamed up sight

         tonight: tonight, again i die
       the smaller death, seems death is shy
            i breathe in deep, resistance dry
            i hurry then, to taste the sky