i slip away from you
therefore i think i must be made of water
it is common for the dying man to turn to god
it happens often

lungs inside jars fill up with water
i am forced to breathe -     inexblicably!
i take a breath i am forced to open my eyes
a cardboard box, a matress with no stains on it
blue plastic, the edge of something sharp in the
corner of a room, i had forgotten
teeth marks on wood, i touch the ceiling
mold grows on the window pane; a threat
dust comes in through the screen door in
a living room sheathed in carpet

in the pool i breathed in too heavy the back of my
mouth stings and tastes so heavy of chloride
    i take a ride in a car, his car, your car, some car
somewhere i cannot remember
            i am
         so forgetful
             i am
        so good at remembering and you would think i
memorized everything, knees on padded benches
smell of incense i beg god not to tear you from
my arms i beg god i beg god yes he listened
i let go on my own and then i stopped praying

the dying man thinks of water,
it happens often
it is common for the drowning man to think of God

        and i  have seen him beg he begs he begs so hard
he shakes on the ground his organs on the outside
of his body, he wears a mask to work, to school
to church,  a mask with small holes for the eyes
he whistles "whoooooooo" who? Who? WHO?
he gets no answer from the mirror so then he turns
to ask god and god grabs his big book and
lets it fall on his head and he says now can
you hear me? the man nods, he feels pain
yes daddy, i see, i see it so clear now
papa, he cries, his head all ******
god is satisfied he says yes my child
the clouds soak up his blood like big cotton *****

         he takes off the mask he whistles
who? Who? WHO?
            he gets an answer

i slip away from you
therefore i think i must be made of water
it is common for the dying man to turn to God
it happens often

don't ask me how i am i don't like that ******* question
you wouldn't know what to answer, you'll think its an aggression
i know its easier to just say fine, i never learn my lesson
if i could skip out on all the small talk, that would be a ******* blessing

seventeen to eighteen weeks, i slip again into depression
stupid hard to even talk about, too hard to even mention
watch me sleep for thirty weeks, in an attempt to kick the tension
once again all in my head, a maze made of perception

staring into the ******* mirror, and i don't see my own reflection
these fractals all over my face, span out into sucession
if we go back to two years ago, would you call that a regression?
he asked for *** then ghosted, i lost all of my affection

was that last line a confession? i was supposed to keep discretion
what with him having a girl for three years at the time of the "exception"
phoning me after months of silence to set up a ******* session
maniac depressed and taking pills, does that worsen the transgression

did you know i wouldn't refuse and in fact wouldn't even question?
well they seem  pretty happy now, they can have my ******* blessing
ask for *** then ghost me, after twelve years of ******* friendship
everything is dancing and i dip my ******* pen tip

i don't have much of an incentive, to be ******* inauthentic
mostly i'm just trynna cope, so i segment it and dissect it
to trace over the wound, twelve years of something friendship
all things must end and die, i don't presume to prevent it

i take drugs i don't understand
i smoke cigarettes, a bottle in hand
i say i need another and still i have the nerve
to say i have command, to say i am alert
statesmen , officeholders, yell to run and vote
what the **** does that word mean, and what the **** is a choice?
      the pocket screen is screaming, this one i chose to hold
a square box in my little hands, might as well call it rope
let me tie it around my neck, let me pour in all my hopes
onto the little screen, ego machine, sweet stasis as i choke
      
         inercia grips inside of me, we left the trees so long ago
now i get up every morning, to make richer all the rich folk
am i crying or am i laughing and i don't get this ******* joke
why are so little of us bothered, why does no one else revolt
we float on like dead ******* fish, taking junk taking a smoke
why do we take for granted, this incoherent hoax?
brown red black men scratch into the ground, a white man sells us Coke
everywhere a boot to lick, a fist to kiss and to uphold
       authority needs me blind and dumb, obedient cattle is controlled
i don't know no ******* answers, i don't know no ******* code
something punched me in a ******* dream, i saw his face as i awoke,
and i screamed as i awoke, and i gasped as i awoke-

       my ******* dripped and i was old, it was a glory to behold
worms eating my fleshy face i say goodbye as i unfold,
felt my bones so real inside myself, i began to decompose
and all my ugly was exposed, but it wasnt ugly anymore,
and nothing mattered anymore, i phone my mom her voice is gold,
      i saw her face it was my own, and i felt joy in my little bones
now my death has been postponed, a thousand times, but it will come
( my mind will then explode, all my memories implode)
all life is just a moan on an incoherent road,
that leads no where i suppose, but i still composed this ode
i'm pretty good or so im told, i believe that, i am sold

         me, a bag of organs in a mould, a body i dont even own
information crams my throat, into my body to my bones
i take drugs i dont ******* understand, i swallow tv screens on command
i take money in my hand i feign control, i misunderstand

existence goes from point a to point be,
point a is a darkness, and vast like the sea,
we manifest in the darkness, a frantic plea,
the moment i died i was glad to be me
     surrender last breath, no resistance, no pause
happy to go because i was happy i was
whatever i was, collapses, four walls
i howl in the dark it tears from my jaw
    
     collapse on the ground from euphoria, pain
gawk from outside of myself, dissect my own brain
what does this body, this vessel contain
drift aimless in absurdity, i die death by rain
     this water wont let me breathe, breath is inane
faces with the eyes rolled back, their laughter insane
i'll tell you what the joke is now, gather myself up and explain
108 billion *******, we all live and die the same

      and i get too anxious at night, i feel the blood neck in my veins
feeling like a ******* ball of meat, an animal again
i'm an animal again, frantic, erratic inhumane
if i let the fear go to my belly, it will give me a migraine
      in the empty room, i let go, all emotion is mundane
just chemicals in my brain, just compounds all in vain
if an answer could be found, inward bound and arcane
no trite ****, acknowledge all and every is profane
    
       comfort is a falsehood, a funny jest to entertain
existence is disquieting, a real ***** to explain
language is a funny string, language is a cage
language is my favorite toy, keeps my lil brain engaged
       i like to move furniture around, i like to rearrange
stare back into the mirror, watch my skin drip, i have aged
it frightened me so much i learned to laugh right to my face
i order my books by color, i make myself laugh on a page
    
     the only thing that matters as i dream away the days
the blunt force of my human will,the impulse to create
     it fills me with an unknown light, it filters all my rage
organize and reassemble, acceptance, no afraid
am i letting all control go is this ***** breaking the chain
least until i wake again, step outside another cave

tonight's the night, i learn to fly
     in dreamful sleep, awake - alive
   with purpose set, in my mind's eye
      in little death, i taste the sky

              pictures float, they hurry by
            to barely grasp, a whisper sighs
           my breath is mine, but "what" am "i"?
                      the universe, it dreamed up sight

         tonight: tonight, again i die
       the smaller death, seems death is shy
            i breathe in deep, resistance dry
            i hurry then, to taste the sky